Abstract Love

by Samantha Christy

  I see that the kids are still busy with Jace so I decide to tell Gracy how we met and why Jace brought me here. She is, of course, crying as she holds my hands while I tell the story. She hugs me and says, “Then you are a gift from God as well. I think you will accomplish great things in your life Keri, and your parents would be so proud. Now let me go fix a snack for the kids while you get to know everyone.”

  There isn’t even a question of who I’m going to talk to first. I walk over to the little girl and say, “You know, lilies are my favorite flower in the whole world.”

  She smiles brightly up at me and asks me if I want to see her room. Some of the other kids tag along and show me their shared rooms as well. As I look at the barren walls and outdated décor, I smile at what is to come. I instantly form a bond with Lilly. The other kids have gone downstairs for a snack, but Lilly is showing me how to make a bracelet on her Rainbow Loom.

  “Lilly, did anyone ever tell you about rainbows?” I spend the next ten minutes telling her my story and by the time I finish, she is sitting on my lap and we both have tear-streaked faces.

  She raises her head up to look at me and says, “I love you, Keri.”

  My heart bursts with warmth and tenderness as it forges an attachment to this child that I doubt will ever be broken. “I love you, too, Lilly.” I rub the side of her head that still boasts long, brown ringlets of hair.

  I hear a soft knock on the door frame and turn to see Jace standing frozen in the doorway, watching us with tears welling up in his eyes and I wonder how long he’s been there. As I hug the little girl, he looks into my eyes and I see so much emotion, so much compassion, so much love. I know he loves these kids. I can see it so clearly. He truly is sent from heaven.

  Hours later, after we’ve spent time with each child, helping them pick out new things for their room and setting up all of the electronics from the deliveries, Jace and I get ready to leave. I pull Lilly aside and quickly teach her how to call me on one of the new iPads or laptops using Skype. “Will you come visit us again?” she asks, hope gleaming in her gorgeous blue eyes.

  “A hurricane couldn’t keep me away,” I say, giving her one last hug as we prepare to leave. I glance over my shoulder and take a peek at the painting in the living room on our way out. Then I look down at the rubber-band bracelet that adorns my wrist, courtesy of Lilly and her Rainbow Loom. She made it with all of the colors of the rainbow. She said it’s to remember my daddy.

  On our way down the sidewalk to the car, I ask Jace, “Do you ever sell your paintings?”

  Jace: No. I only donate them. Can we sit for a minute before we leave?

  He points to the bench along the sidewalk in front of the house. “Of course,” I say. I can see his mind is spinning and he has something he wants to tell me. He almost looks nervous, so I start talking to ease his tension. “Thank you for today. I can’t imagine a day that has ever meant more to me. You do incredible things with your foundation. I’m in awe of you, you know.”

  I look over at him as he texts me. He has a smile on his face that produces that adorable dimple in his left cheek.

  Jace: In awe of me? You have no idea Keri.

  He shakes his head as he continues to text.

  Jace: It was you. You made today possible. This was all because of your donation, Keri.

  I look up from my phone in utter disbelief. “What? How?”

  Jace: I run the foundation, Keri. I have a hand in everything. I see the checks that come in, even the ones that are marked for anonymous donation. You are a phenomenal woman. Most people who suddenly come into ten thousand dollars would blow it on frivolous things, maybe take a nice vacation. But you, who clearly could use the money, you donate it. You continually amaze me.

  I can feel the blush sweep across my face. “It was the least I could do after your generous donation to Freeway.” I raise my eyes at him. “What, do you think I didn’t figure that out as well?”

  He laughs at me.

  Jace: You were astounding with the kids. I watched you all afternoon. They are drawn to you. You treat them like you would any other kid. You see them as perfect children despite their scars. And they pick up on that. You also have a knack for understanding what they want and need because you have the rare insight from being in a home yourself. I want to offer you a job, Keri. At the foundation.

  I snap my head up to look at him after reading his text. “What? Are you insane? I could never work for a foundation. I have no training, no experience. I haven’t even graduated yet. I’m a bartender for heaven’s sake.”

  Jace: You have the best kind of experience, Keri. Life experience. I could really use someone like you to make sure the charities the foundation supports are getting run properly. That they are properly staffed, are meeting the kids’ needs both physically and emotionally, and that they have all of the material things that kids need for a normal upbringing. The Angel House is just one of many such places that the foundation supports. You could still work with the kids, whenever you wanted to make site visits. And we can train you on foundation business.

  I try to absorb what he is saying. It does sound like my dream job. But I haven’t even been a paid counselor for Freeway yet. I really am grossly underqualified. Is he doing this out of pity? I can’t possibly accept a job that he is creating just for me. I’m not going to be one of his foundation charity cases. “Jace, I can’t. I mean, I appreciate the offer, but I really need to work full-time at Freeway before I could even consider something like that. I need to build up my confidence. I need to learn the ins and outs of a children’s home before I can possibly tell others how to run one. Thank you for even believing I could do it.”

  He simply nods at me.

  Jace: Okay, but the offer stands. Whenever you are ready for it, Keri. Now, let’s head back.

  He pulls his car keys out of his pocket and tosses them to me. I catch them with a huge smile on my face, one that mirrors his own, and I find I have to keep my hand from reaching out to touch that dimple on his cheek. The cheek with the still-darkening stubble that continues to grow, just like the new hair on his head.

  He can’t talk, of course, on the hour-long drive back home so we take turns picking music to listen to. We like the same music and when I absentmindedly sing along to a favorite song he reaches over to give my hand a squeeze. As the miles pass, I find myself deliberately singing more and more, just to feel the heat of his fingers when they reach to grab mine.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  The past few weeks have been spent getting my life back to normal. I’m back on full-time rotation at the bar. Chaz finally agreed to give me a few volunteer day shifts at Freeway and I’ve been finishing up my last few classes in school. He has also put in a request to hire me full-time once my graduation is official.

  Jace went with me to The Freeway Station to meet all of the kids. He was great with them, just as he was at The Angel House. He and Chaz seemed to get along very well, even going off to talk in Chaz’s office. I wonder if Jace was going to make another donation.

  There had been a few new intakes recently at Freeway so I spent some time getting to know Kelsey and Curtis and said goodbye to Anthony who went home to his parents. Kimberly is doing well and has been patient with her new friend, Adam. Tyler has been in much better spirits lately. His mom is divorcing and has pressed charges against his stepfather, but these things take time as the court system is backlogged. Tyler will be staying for another month while he and his mother re-build their relationship.

  Today was a special day for me as I took the last of my exams. I am officially done with college. It feels incredible. Tanner and I are on our way to Scrabble Night and my skin tingles knowing that I will see Jace shortly. Jace and I have seen each other a few times a week, and of course he has been joining us every Monday night. He has really fit in with the gang from the bar. Even after they found out who he really is, they didn’t treat him any differently which I imagine is refreshing for Jace.

 
; We open the door to Austin’s apartment and are greeted with, “Congratulations!” I look around to see Jace along with the other familiar faces all smiling and clapping for me. Someone had even hung a banner on the wall.

  I hug each of them in turn and when I get to Jace, he pulls me into a guarded hug and whispers, “I’m proud of you.” Then as we break away, he plants a kiss on the top of my head. Much like a kiss you would give to a child and disappointment courses through my veins. It’s not lost on me that this was the first time he’s touched me since our drive back from The Angel House weeks ago. Even when he came to Freeway or the time we went to lunch last week. Even the past few Scrabble Nights. No touching. And my body misses it. My body craves it. I try to shake it off with the help of a few shots that everyone is shoving at me as they toast my graduation.

  As the night rolls on, Jace and I fall into our familiar pattern of flirty banter, probably fueled by alcohol on my part. He is the OSP tonight, due to our pitiful performance last week. I think he prefers to remain sober anyway and I have been most grateful that we haven’t had a repeat performance of his drunken slip-of-the-tongue. As usual, our words become funnier and sexier, and Jace and I crack each other up when we make words on our tile holder that only we can see. Words such as LUST, YEARN and ACHE. I perk up when he starts to kick my foot again, the way he did that first night. My blood pumps fast through my body when our fingers touch as we reach for the same tile. I know it’s probably the alcohol, but when Jace gets up to hit the bathroom, all I can do is sit here and think of some excuse I could have for getting him to take me to his loft tonight. I’m ready to give in to these feelings if he will have me. I’m ready to have him remove the cobwebs from my much-neglected girl parts.

  No! I admonish myself. I can’t do that. It will ruin everything. I pick up my phone and text Tanner.

  Me: Tan, do NOT let me leave with Jace tonight. No matter what!

  I hear Jace’s phone vibrate on the table next to me. Oh, crap. I must have accidentally texted him instead of Tanner. I quickly pick up his phone to delete the text before he returns to the table. My heart falls into the pit of my stomach when I see that no, I did not accidentally text him. Can I blame it on my inebriated state if I open this text? I know it is so wrong. I’m crossing the boundaries of our friendship if I do it. But as my finger draws closer to the screen, I have no willpower to keep it from tapping open the text.

  Morgan: I just wanted to tell you that I ran into Chris and he told me to say hello to you. Hope you are having fun at your game night.

  His game night? He’s been talking with her? But when I asked him, he said he hadn’t heard from her. And he told her about Scrabble Night? I’ve already gone too far so I scroll down and read the thread.

  Morgan: I had lunch with your parents yesterday. It was so nice to see them again. I’ve really missed them.

  Jace: I’m glad you went, you know they love you.

  Morgan: I miss you, too, Jace.

  Jace: You, too, Morgan. I have to get going. I have a game night to get to.

  Morgan: Oh, right. Scrabble was it? Well, have fun and tell Keri I said hello.

  She saw his parents. She misses him. He misses her. He told her about me and Scrabble Night. My mind flashes back to when I found out he had told her about spilling the latte on me. He shared everything with her then. Oh, God, are they back together? My heart breaks. I hear Jace coming back down the hall from the bathroom and I stand up and hold his phone out for him to see and spit out, “Your girlfriend texted you.”

  His face pales and he walks toward me, holding out his hand for the phone. He doesn’t look pissed that I violated his privacy, he looks frantic. I know he can’t defend himself without the phone so I hold it captive while I continue to speak. “Don’t bother texting me with more lies. You are a liar, Jace. I know you lied about talking to her. Are you going to lie and tell me you’re not screwing her, too?”

  His eyes go wide and he shakes his head. I know I sound like a jealous girlfriend. I know the alcohol is fueling my inappropriate behavior. I can’t believe what I’m doing, what I’m saying, but it’s done, it’s out there now. I can’t take it back. He’s never seen this side of me. I’ve never seen this side of me. I see his face turn to anger. He grabs his phone away and types on it.

  Jace: What the hell would it matter if I was?

  I read his text and my blood boils. I have no right to be angry. I have no claim on him. He has never given me any reason to think that he wants me and only me. But that doesn’t keep me from yelling, “Get the hell out of here! Leave!”

  He winces at my harsh words.

  Jace: But I’m the OSP.

  “No, Jace, you’re the asshole. Now just leave. We’ll be fine without you. I’ll be fine without you.” He looks at me like I’ve punched him in the gut.

  The others have all seen my inglorious display of emotion and Austin cuts in and says, “It’s okay, Jace, I’ve got this. Keri can sleep here and I’ll make sure the others get home safely.”

  Jace looks at Austin with daggers shooting from his eyes. Then he turns and looks at me with what I can only describe as a look of disgust. He is mad at me for reading his texts and calling him out. He is mad that I found out about his reconciliation with Morgan. I guess he’s also mad that he didn’t get a chance to get me into his bed before I figured it all out. Well, I’m not that stupid. He turns and walks out the door. I turn and take three shots of whiskey.

  ~ ~ ~

  When light blinds me and I get my bearings, I realize that I’m in my own bed, not in Austin’s apartment. I think back in horror over what I remember from last night. Did I really call him an asshole? As I re-live the entire embarrassing scene in my head, Tanner comes in and sits down on my bed and gives me a hug. I cry into his shoulder as I say, “He’s a liar and a cheat.” Tanner rubs my back. “Except that he’s not a cheat. He was never with me so how can I even say that? We were friends and he was probably just trying to protect my feelings. Tan, I’m such a bitch.”

  I spend the next week mourning the fact that Jace is not in my life. He hasn’t texted me. I haven’t texted him. I keep myself busy at work and volunteering. I wonder if he will have me fired now. I guess it doesn’t really matter since I will go full-time at Freeway soon. But I was hoping to keep a shift or two at The Triple J for extra money and to keep seeing all my friends.

  Jules calls me for coffee. I can only imagine what Jace has told her. We meet at Starbuck’s. I walk in with my tail between my legs as I tell her, “Jules, I ruined it. I said awful, hateful words to him. I had no right to say those things. He has every right to be with Morgan. I was a jealous bitch and I don’t think he will ever forgive me.”

  She simply laughs and shakes her head at me. “It’s nice to see that you are as miserable as my big brother. Listen, I’m not supposed to tell you that. He made me promise so I’m breaking the sibling code. He wanted you to stew on it, but I didn’t want you to go do something stupid. I think you did hurt him, Keri, but he wasn’t completely honest with you so maybe he deserved it.”

  “He’s miserable?” I’m not sure I really heard any words she said after that. “How can he be miserable about our fight if he’s back together with Morgan?”

  “He and Morgan are not back together. Yes, she contacted him and they have been texting, but you have to remember they have been friends forever and I’m not sure that will go away just because they aren’t together.”

  “But he said—”

  “I saw his texts. He was mad. You were mad. You both said stuff you didn’t mean. He’s still unsure of where his feelings stand, Keri, and you still need to give him time. But based on his behavior the past few days, well, let’s just say smashing a phone was kid stuff compared to it.”

  “I don’t understand why he is so unsure of himself. He seems like such a strong, confident guy. When he deals with the foundation, with the kids, he is this pillar of credence. He is the stability that others look to for guidance.
”

  “Oh, Keri, you have no idea.” She blows out a deep breath and has some kind of internal battle in her mind while sizing me up at the same time. “I’m being a shitty sister today, revealing all his secrets, but I hope you know I do it with the best intentions. I really do believe you two are meant for each other.” She takes a long drink of her coffee. “Oh, hell . . . here it goes. Jace is afraid to speak. Nobody but me knows this and he won’t talk to anyone else about it. And I only know it because I was with him at his pre-op appointment. The appointment where they told him not to speak for two or three weeks, but then after that, he could start to whisper and slowly build back up to talking normally. They told him there was a slight chance that he would lose the ability to speak altogether since his vocal cords were involved in the surgery. But more than likely the only negative outcome would be a more gravelly voice. But, Keri, he is terrified that he won’t be able to speak again. He would rather not speak at all than try to speak and fail. I made an appointment with his surgeon who told me that since he’s gone so long without talking, he will probably have to go to speech therapy if he ever wants to speak normally again.”

  I’m stunned. It’s been almost five months since his surgery. He hasn’t tried to speak for five months. I close my eyes and think of the young me, right after my parents died. Back when I was afraid to feel. I wouldn’t allow myself to feel any emotion, not happiness, not even grief. It was almost a year of a numb existence before I started shoplifting just to feel something, anything. And then Tanner came into my life and taught me how to heal.