Abstract Love

by Samantha Christy

  Then it dawns on me. This strong, gorgeous, millionaire is just like the kids at Freeway. He is just like me and every other person who has ever had some kind of existential struggle. And suddenly our worlds inch a little closer.

  “I won’t ask you to keep this a secret since I didn’t, Keri. Do whatever you want with this information and I’ll deal with the backlash. Heck, maybe you will be the one that can help him when nobody else could. Don’t shut him out because he made a mistake and didn’t tell you about Morgan. He loves you. I know he does. Please, just hang in there.”

  I give her a hug when we leave, grateful that she broke his confidence to tell me these things. I can hardly wait until I get back home to text him. I think about it the whole drive home. What will I say? What can I possibly say to excuse my behavior? I really can’t come up with anything except the flat-out truth.

  Me: I was drunk.

  Jace: I know.

  Me: I’m so sorry.

  Jace: I know.

  Me: Can you ever forgive me?

  Jace: If you meet me for breakfast tomorrow, the answer is yes.

  I smile as my entire body relaxes for the first time in a week.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  I have decided not to let on that I know about his voice issues. It is something he needs to work out for himself. I can be supportive as his friend, but nobody can be pushed to do anything they aren’t ready for. As soon as Jace sees me at the restaurant, he pulls me into a hug. A hug that has meaning. A hug that says I’m sorry and I forgive you, all without words. A hug that has my insides melting and my blood pumping.

  We get a table and place our order. I tell him that I have to be done by ten because Chaz has asked me to help him at Freeway today even though I’m not on the schedule. Jace gives me a dimpled smile like he has a secret. Then he turns all serious and texts me.

  Jace: I know I owe you an explanation. Morgan calls me occasionally, but she doesn’t leave messages. I think she just calls to listen to my voicemail greeting. I was getting sick of seeing her number displayed so I texted her and asked her to stop it. She texted me back and we just started talking. We are not back together and there hasn’t been any talk of it either. We simply text as friends, nothing more. Keri, you should know that it wasn’t a lie. When you asked me at The Angel House if I talk with her, I didn’t lie to you. I hadn’t yet texted her to stop calling and we weren’t yet communicating. Then afterwards, I guess I just didn’t know how to tell you that we were talking. I knew it might cause some hurt feelings.

  “But you stopped touching me. After Angel House, you didn’t even hug me or take my hand. It all seemed to make sense, that you wanted her back.”

  He looks at me a minute while he gathers his thoughts. Then he starts and stops texting several times. I’m starting to get worried about what he is trying to tell me.

  Jace: When we were at The Angel House, I realized how wonderful a person you are. I mean, I knew you were incredible before that, but seeing you with those kids. It touched my heart. You touched my heart. And after hearing you sing on the way home—all I can say is it was a very powerful day for me and I was finding it extremely hard to be around you and still respect your wish to just be friends.

  I touched his heart? I think back to that day and remember him standing in the doorway while I comforted Lilly. The way he was looking at us, I thought it was about the kids, about Lilly. Could it have been about me? He wants us to be more than friends? But what about Morgan?

  “What about Morgan? Do you still love her? Do you . . . want her?” I ask shyly. I hold my breath for the entire time he types out his reply. I hold it right through the waitress bringing us our breakfast; right through his contemplative thought process. I think I might pass out if he doesn’t send it soon.

  Jace: I’m not exactly sure how to answer that right now. Do I still love her? I’ve loved her for a long time, since we were kids, so yes, I guess I do. Do I still want her? That is another thing entirely. She left me. Even though I have tried to understand her reasons why, she left me when I needed someone the most. I’m not sure that she deserves a chance even if I wanted to give it to her. And I’m not saying that I do, but I am saying that it may take time for me to readjust my thinking about her, to live my life without her so deeply ingrained in it.

  I appreciate his honesty. But I’m not sure he answered the question. He loves her but he doesn’t want her? Or he doesn’t want to want her? He must sense my frustration over his text.

  Jace: Keri, all I can say is that after that day at The Angel House, I was in need of a side effect. I don’t think I had ever needed one more.

  His revelation softens me a little and I hesitantly ask him, “And now, do you still need one now?”

  Jace: No. I don’t, Keri. I don’t want to push away my feelings any more.

  I’m stunned speechless and rendered incapable of words.

  Jace: Can I ask you a question?

  “Of course,” I reply, recovering my power of speech.

  Jace: Why don’t you ever call me? I mean, I know you did the one time that I missed chemo. But, I’ve never seen your number on my phone after that unless you are texting me. I’m pretty sure I know how you feel about me, Keri, so why don’t you want to hear my voice like Morgan does?

  I look at him guiltily. “I’m not going to lie and tell you that I haven’t thought about it. I’ve even picked up the phone to do that very thing. But then I think about how selfish that makes me. I mean, what if I had lost my breasts and all my boyfriend wanted to do was stare at old pictures of them?” I realize what I said and heat rises up my face. “I mean, not that you’re my boyfriend. Well, um . . . you know what I meant. Ugh.”

  He laughs silently and then looks directly into my eyes as he types his next text.

  Jace: Yes, Keri. I know what you mean. I know how exactly how it feels to crave something I can’t have. Are you ever going to agree to go out with me?

  I read his text and then stare at him. He craves me. Just like I crave him. He wants to go out with me. He doesn’t need any more side effects. He’s not sure he wants Morgan, but he loves her. I want so desperately to yell, ‘Yes, yes!’ but I don’t. Instead I say, “Jace, I just need more time. I need to know that you won’t go back to Morgan and right now I’m not sure that you wouldn’t. I don’t even think that you are sure that you wouldn’t. Can we just be friends for now?”

  He closes his eyes briefly while nodding his head.

  Jace: Of course we can, and I hope we always will be, no matter what. But I can’t promise that I won’t keep trying to wear you down.

  I laugh at his last comment as I hear a man’s voice behind me. “Hello, son.” I turn around and Jace’s dad says, “Keri, nice to see you again.”

  “Hi, Mr. Jarrett, Mrs. Jarrett.”

  “You don’t mind if we join you, do you?” his mother asks, eyeing me with condescension. I sneak a peek at my watch and I’m relieved that we have to leave in just a few minutes.

  The hostess quickly sets two more place settings at our table and his mom and dad settle in. Jace and his dad have a texting conversation that I’m not privy to while Jace’s mother makes small talk with me. I don’t know how to relate to these people so I quietly eat the remains of my breakfast and hope this will be over quickly.

  When Jace finishes his meal, he excuses himself to use the bathroom. Then Jace’s dad gets a phone call and leaves the table. I’m left sitting next to his mother, at a complete and utter loss for what to talk about. But it seems I don’t need to pick a topic of conversation as she already had one prepared. “So, Keri Brookstone.” She spears me with her eyes. “I knew I had heard that name somewhere so I did some checking around. And low and behold, you are the same Keri Brookstone from that fire all those years ago. The same girl that Jace convinced us to donate a sizable sum of money into a survivor’s fund for. And the same girl that used said money to pay off a drug debt for her drug-dealing boyfriend.”

  My
mouth falls open. I’m stunned into silence for the second time this morning. They donated the money? She knows about me? My hands start shaking and I try to find something to say, but how can I reply to her when everything she’s just said is one-hundred-percent true?

  “What . . . did you think we wouldn’t do a background check on someone who our son is spending time with? In the future, you would be wise not to write checks to known drug dealers, Keri. There is always a paper trail. I would like you to tell me exactly what your intentions are with my son. Do you or any of your shoplifting friends have another debt to pay?”

  Tears well up behind my eyes and before I can answer her, before I can defend myself, Jace comes back to the table, clearly sensing something is wrong based on what I can only imagine is my face that is devoid of color. He looks at me with great concern and pulls out his phone, but I quickly say to him, “Jace, can you please tell your dad I wasn’t feeling well, I think I’m going to head out. Nice to see you Mrs. Jarrett.” I almost topple over my chair in my hasty exit.

  I hear his mother mumble something to him and then I hear footsteps follow me out to the parking lot. Tears are now streaming down my face as he catches up to me and puts a gentle hand on my shoulder. When I turn around and he sees how wrecked I am, he pulls me into a hug and lets me cry against him. He whispers, “Shh, shh, shh,” in my ear. Then he walks me over to a bench along the sidewalk.

  Jace: What did she say to you?

  I look up at him and he nods at me like he knows that his mom just chewed me up, spit me out and ground me into the pavement with her shoe. “She knows everything about me, Jace. My name seemed familiar to her when she ran into me when I was having lunch with Jules, so she ran a background check on me. She knows about my record, she even knows what I did with the money. The money that your family donated. Oh God, Jace, that’s just one more thing that your family’s money has done for me. I’ll never be able to repay you.”

  Jace catches another tear before it falls from my cheek. Then he rubs my back soothingly.

  “But that’s not the worst of it. You don’t even know the worst of it. The money . . . the money I gave to Tanner was to pay off a drug dealer.” I lower my head in shame. “Tanner had gotten into trouble before we met, he did drugs and ran up a large debt, and to pay it off he started dealing himself. One thing led to another and he just dug himself in deeper. He got clean, but he still owed a lot of money to someone who started coming after him. They couldn’t touch him when he was at Freeway, but when he got out, the threats started again and he feared for his life. He feared for my life since we were so close. So as soon as I got the money, I paid off his debt.”

  Jace stops rubbing my back. I’m afraid to even look at him. I can’t imagine what he must think of me now, knowing that I was involved in such criminal activity. I keep my eyes closed tightly when I say, “The thing is, everything she said about me is true. Every word. There was nothing I could say to defend myself.” My phone vibrates in my hand and I realize he had stopped rubbing my back so that he could text me.

  Jace: You have to ignore her, Keri. I don’t care what you and Tanner did when you were seventeen. You are different people now. I’m sorry she made you feel like that money came with strings attached, that you had to use it a certain way to be righteous in her eyes. But know that I never have expectations on how donations are used. In my opinion, it did go to a good cause because it got Tanner cleaned up and out of trouble. And because of that, he was able to return the favor and help you through some very tough times in your life. It was money well spent if you ask me. Please don’t let her get to you. I don’t share her beliefs, not one little bit of them. I told you . . . I think I’m adopted ;-)

  The little winky face in his text makes me smile. “I thought you would hate me. I thought you would hate both Tanner and me when you found out.”

  He leans close and whispers to me, “Never.” Then he texts me.

  Jace: Come on, we’ve got someplace we need to be.

  “I can’t. I told you I promised to help Chaz with something for the day,” I say. Jace simply smiles at me again and types out a text. Then he then pulls my hand, dragging me towards his car.

  Jace: Yes, I know you did, and he sent me to make sure you get there. Come on, I’m driving.

  We drive through town, past the turn that would take us to The Freeway Station and I eye him and the smirk on his face suspiciously. As we pull up to the marina, I look over to the chemo clinic and wonder just who of our gang is left in there and how the rest are doing. I make a mental note to check up on them. Then excitement washes over me as I recall the first time Jace took me on his yacht. I turn to him and say, “I thought you only use it for foundation business.”

  Jace: Sometimes I like to mix business with pleasure.

  He comes around and opens my door for me and offers his hand to help me out of the car. As we walk towards the dock, I realize he’s not let go of my hand and my eyes close as I take in the warmth of his strong fingers around mine. When we get closer and closer to the end of the dock, I see that there are people gathered on his yacht. I realize who they are and look at Jace. He just squeezes my hands and shrugs his shoulders. I look at the faces of all the kids I know and love from Freeway. When we get close enough to climb aboard, they all yell, “Surprise!”

  Confused, I look at Jace and I walk over to a table adorned with party decorations and a cake. The writing on the cake says ‘Congratulations Keri.’ I turn around in surprise and see Chaz, Todd and Tanner coming from the galley with drinks and snacks. All the kids are in bathing suits that I recognize from the closet down in one of the cabins. I know what’s in store for today and I’m so happy these kids will get to experience it.

  Jace: We thought it fitting that you get to celebrate with the very people your degree will benefit on a daily basis. We are all so proud of you.

  “Welcome back, Keri,” the captain interrupts, when he comes to ask Jace if we’re ready to depart. He and Jace start a conversation so I head down to get changed, hoping the orange bikini is still here. I’d hate to waste another one. A few minutes later, I emerge donning that same bikini, and I go up on deck, feeling the motion of the boat as we head out.

  Kimberly’s eyes go wide when she sees me. “Oh, Keri, you look just like the girl in the painting.” I panic for a split second as I didn’t think anyone else could tell I was the subject of Jace’s work. However, when she finishes pulling me into the salon, I realize why she said it. There on the wall is a painting of me, in this same orange bikini, sitting on the edge of this very yacht. My eyes get teary when I realize that he has painted a rainbow in the background and that the lower part of the rainbow is wrapping around my body like a blanket. It’s beautiful. I’m touched at how he seems to remember every detail of every conversation that we have.

  “Do you like it?” he whispers in my ear, causing me to jump and sigh at the same time.

  “Oh, I love it! It’s wonderful. But then again, I love all your paintings.” I go over each of them in my mind. “Okay, except maybe the one with me grabbing my boobs,” I whisper so that Kimberly doesn’t overhear.

  When I turn around to look at him I have to keep my jaw firmly in place to keep the saliva from drooling out of my mouth. He is gorgeous. I belatedly notice that his hair has grown out some more. It’s all spiky and haphazard as I’ll bet it is almost an inch long. I would love to run my fingers through it. The last time I did, it was just a shadow of what exists now. But it’s the drool-worthy body that has me swooning. He is in those same board shorts again, sans top and I notice the tiny scar where the feeding tube used to be. I know I’m staring, but the man has obviously been working out and his abs are definitely worth staring at.

  He smirks at my more than apparent admiration of his impeccable body and I try to recover by quickly saying, “You got the feeding tube out, that is fantastic.”

  But he just shakes his head at me and laughs so I roll my eyes at him and walk away leaving
him and Kimberly alone in the salon. But before I’m entirely out of earshot I hear Kimberly’s innocent words. “Jace, you think Keri is pretty, don’t you? Do you think you will marry her?” And for the first time, I’m completely bummed that he doesn’t have a voice because I would give anything to know what he said to her.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  The past several weeks have been wonderfully busy. My full-time appointment was approved and I’ve officially become a Residential Support Counselor at Freeway. I work three ten-hour shifts plus one overnight. I’ve managed to keep my job at The Triple J despite the fact that the owners hate me—or at least the owner’s wife hates me. I imagine Jace had a hand in me keeping the job. I only work two shifts a week, but I really wanted to keep up with my friends and I genuinely do love bartending.

  Jace treated us to another day on the yacht with people from our chemo group. Dylan was delighted to get to ‘drive’ the yacht and the others were all just as floored as I was that Jace comes from such money.

  Tanner and I went to Jace’s loft a few times to play that Star Wars Xbox game he bought last month. Turns out, I’m pretty good at killing storm troopers. Jace even hosted Scrabble Night which gave everyone the opportunity to see what a regular guy he really is, living in a loft and not a mansion as I’m sure they had pictured.