by Kimi Flores
My embarrassment slowly gave way to fury. “Well, aren’t you fucking Prince Charming, the golden boy who has all the answers and knows what I need. Clearly you have no clue what I want.”
He sat up with a tortured look in his eyes. “Dani, I’m so sorry.” There’s that fucking apology again.
“No, I get it, Zachary. Don’t think you’re the first man to feel regret when the sun comes up in the morning. Just stop with the damn apologies, you’re making it worse.” I knew I was being harsh and this wasn’t like me, but I couldn’t believe I had fallen for this shit again.
My emotions were all over the place, humiliation still lingering in the background as tears filled my eyes and I let it sink in. I’d been screwed over by so many guys with buyer’s remorse, once they slept off their alcohol-induced lack of judgement. Never in a million years would I have fathomed Zachary doing the same fucking thing. I’d fooled myself into believing we had something. But, with my history, I should’ve known better.
I was broken. Nobody wanted me.
There was a sharpness in my chest and my stomach tightened, making me feel nauseous.
“Please don’t cry,” he begged. “I never wanted to make you cry. You’re not understanding. I’m disappointed in me, not you, Dani.” The worry lines that had disappeared as he slept were now back. The blankets slid down his stomach and landed in his lap as he reached for me.
My eyes naturally followed, and I hated myself for it. Scanning up until I was looking at his handsome face once again, I realized that my earlier conclusion about being worthy of him was wrong. He was far too good-looking for me.
When his fingertips grazed my arm, I jerked away. “Don’t you dare touch me.” Desperate, I searched the floor for my discarded clothes. I had to get away from this nightmare.
As I picked up my dress and threw it over my head, I began to get angry again. “How could you do this?” I slipped my panties on under the dress. “I never thought you’d give me the time of day. Then you gave me hope and ripped it away just as fast.”
“Dani, please.” He pleaded with his eyes, getting out of bed and pulling on a pair of boxers. “Don’t drive while you’re this upset. You shouldn’t be alone right now. Let me get dressed and we can go talk about this.”
Once again, he was deciding what I needed. I didn’t even try to hide the bitterness in my tone. “Alone? Like you are? Why are you always alone anyway, huh? Do you treat all of your one-night stands like this or is this all tangled up with feelings for the ex-wife you don’t talk about? Did she do such a number on you that relationships are out of the question?”
He gave me a sharp look. “We’re not going to talk about her.”
With my hands on my waist, I leaned forward needing to make sure he heard every word. “So you can decide that this was a mistake and I don’t even get to know why? Well, don’t worry. I don't want another night, hour, or minute with you.”
“Dani, I need you to calm down so we can talk.” He held his hands in front of his body, no doubt patronizing me. “I’ll try to explain everything, but you really have to understand I’m doing this for you.”
The old, it’s for your best interest line? Haven’t heard that one in a while.
If he thought we were going to sit down over a cup of coffee and chat about this, he was more insane than I imagined.
I could feel the muscles in my shoulder blades knot into tight balls as my nails dug into my palms. “So she broke your heart, what, a life time ago? Big fucking deal. Do you know how many times I’ve been hurt? Plenty, but this is by far the worst of all.” I was so pissed that my tears and quivering bottom lip wouldn’t stop. “Move on with your life, just like I’m gonna have to, or you’re going to end up as a lonely old man with nobody to blame but yourself.” Resentful and mortified, I was spitting fire by that time and wanted him to feel the same anguish that was burning in my chest.
“You don’t know anything about it. She didn’t break my heart!” he shouted over me, then solemnly whispered, “I never even loved her.”
“You’re right.” My shoulders deflated a little. “I don’t know because you won’t tell me. If she didn’t break your heart, then what is it? Are you even capable of loving a woman, Zachary?” I wiped the tears away from my eyes and decided to appeal to him one last time. “We obviously have feelings for each other. Why can’t I know the reason we can’t be together?”
He dropped his head and shoulders. “You and I want different things, that’s all. My life revolves around this vineyard and taking care of my father. I won’t take my eyes off the responsibilities I already have, ever again. For anyone. I’m a shit boyfriend and an even worse husband.”
Pointing at him, I hissed, “That’s a cop out and you know it, but if that’s all you have to say then don’t worry, I’m gone.”
“No, please listen. I need you, Dani,” he pleaded.
I threw my arms up in frustration. “Do you even hear yourself? I need you, but I don’t want you. Don’t leave, but you can’t stay with me. You aren’t making any sense.” I held onto the sides of my head, then it hit me. He needed me to help take care of his father. I was the only person Joel would accept any medical attention from.
Gritting my teeth, I glared at him as I bent down and picked up my shoes and bra. “You think I’m going to abandon your father? If that’s what you think of me, then you’re right. This was a mistake.”
He stood close by, his hands on his hips and his head tilted down as I stared in the dresser mirror, combing my hair with my fingers and wiping the smudged eye make-up from under my eyes. I should’ve left by now, but I imagined I’d run into people I knew on my way out and didn’t want to look like the latest whore to leave Zachary’s house.
Mortified, I pointed my finger at him again when he came after me. “Stop. Do not follow me, Zachary. I’m going to be humiliated enough running into your dad downstairs. Don't make this any worse for me.”
He closed his eyes, exhaled, and nodded.
I zipped down the stairs as quickly as my bare feet would take me, looking around the living room for Stella. Thankfully, Joel’s bedroom door was still closed when I finally found her. She was staring at the front door like she was ready to get the hell out of there as well.
Scooping her into my arms, I snagged my purse and keys from the side table. Just a few more steps and I’d be free to break down. It was difficult to see through my tears, but I managed to get my door open and put Stella down.
I knew I shouldn’t have done it, but I turned to look at the balcony that led to Zachary’s bedroom. His fingers gripped the railing as he stood there, in nothing but his boxers. He appeared to be just as devastated as I felt, but I had no sympathy for him. This was his bed. He could lie in his own shit now.
Furious, I jumped in my truck, fired it up, then sped off. The floodgates opened up as my loud sobs broke free. Once I was about a mile down the road, I realized it wasn’t safe for me to drive, so I pulled over to the side of the street and allowed every emotion out. Each tear or hiccupped sob represented a range of emotions, from broken trust to anger, and finally shame.
I started to calm down a bit when Stella found her way onto my lap. “Oh, baby girl. Mama’s okay. Just really sad.” I pulled her tiny body close to my chest as the tears continued to fall. Her long pink tongue licked every inch of my face, finally drawing a tight, dejected smile to my lips.
“You’ll love me no matter what, won't you, little girl?”
She stared at me with wide, bulging eyes as her tongue darted in and out of her mouth. I kissed her head before securing her in the passenger seat. Patting her, I tried to assure both of us, “Okay, girlfriend. Let’s go home and pretend like none of this ever happened.”
I sniffled then gasped as my hand swung to my mouth. It had just dawned on me that I’d left a certain, very embarrassing item of clothing under Zachary’s bed.
Freaking great.
Chapter One
Eight months lat
er…
Dani
I checked myself out in the bathroom mirror as I ran my hands down the front of my black, knee-length, ruched dress. Sucking my stomach in, I turned to the side, then around, and looked over my shoulder to make sure the gathered material didn’t make my ass look any larger than it already was.
It didn’t matter what the scale had said this morning, I knew I’d lost a few inches. These last few months, I’d been working my ass off to become healthier. I’d completely changed my diet and started a regular exercise routine. The scale hadn’t moved much, but I refused to believe the changes weren’t showing some sort of result.
I reminded myself for the millionth time that I wasn’t going to be a slave to the number on the scale. The goal was to become healthy, not unrealistically strive for a thin body shape that wasn't naturally mine. It was time to reach my goals, to fulfill the promises I’d made to myself.
Puffing out a breath, I faced the mirror once more to recheck the shimmery shadow and mascara I’d applied to my almond-shaped brown eyes. Since I’d always been complimented on the exotic look of my eyes, dark hair and naturally tan skin that my Hispanic heritage had blessed me with, I tried to highlight those features. After smoothing down a few rogue strands of hair, I tossed my work scrubs in my bag, then picked it up as well as my purse, and left the lace up heels clicked on the tile floor as I made my way toward the living room.
Sitting up on her couch, Bri stared at me and blinked a few times. “You’re going to wear that to Zachary’s?” She swiped her long, dark hair to the side and over her shoulder; something she did a lot when she was anxious.
Unsure, I looked down at my outfit once again. “Yeah. Why, does it make me look fat?”
There went those damn insecurities again. Why did I let them creep up when I knew better?
She shook her head as she scooted closer to the edge of the cushion. “No, it makes you look hot as hell and like you’re looking to get lucky tonight.”
I rolled my eyes. “I am going on a date, so yeah, I probably will get lucky later.”
Her hazel eyes scrutinized me disapprovingly. “That’s messed up, you know.”
I’d told her months ago what had happened between Zachary and me, and she was under some strange impression that we would figure out a way to work things out. Until recently, he and I hardly ever saw each other. He buried himself in his work, and I only went to the vineyard when his father, Joel, needed me. Which seemed to be often lately.
I wished she’d get over the thought of him and me together. I know I had.
At least, that's what I kept telling myself.
My eyebrows creased together as I leaned on one leg and crossed my arms. “Why is that messed up? He asked me to go check on his dad, and I can’t help it if I already had plans.”
I heard the bitchy tone in my voice, but I was irritated. There was no doubt that she was just looking for everyone’s best interest, but it felt like she was unintentionally judging my choices.
Since my date and all of my patients had been in Santa Ynez today, I’d asked her if I could get ready at her house, before I’d gotten the text from Zachary.
She stood up and placed her hand on my shoulder. “I just don't want to see anyone get hurt. Ever since my wedding, it's been difficult standing on the sidelines, watching the two of you.” The sincerity in her eyes tugged on my heart and made me question my real motive for going to his house all dressed up. But there was no way I was going to change back into my scrubs now. I was going to be a little late as it was.
I sighed. “I know things have been uncomfortable, but I’m starting to spend a little more time with Joel, so I’ll figure out a way to smooth things.”
Leaning against the wall, mirroring my stance, she crossed her arms and looked at me as if she was about to interrogate me. “He told Josh he’s been trying to talk to you, but you keep blowing him off.”
My jaw clenched. It didn’t surprise me that Zachary had confided in her husband. Not only were they cousins, they’d also grown up together and were as close as brothers.
I gave an affirming nod. “He’s right, he has tried. It hurt too much before. I think I’m finally in a better place. Now that I’ve taken my future in my own hands.”
“Does he know about your baby plans?” she whispered, looking up toward the second floor where Josh and their newborn daughter, Ella, were taking a late nap.
I frowned. “No, why would I tell him? It’s none of his business. He already made it clear that he doesn’t want me, and I’m not going to sit around waiting for anyone else. I don’t need a man to have a child.”
When I’d entered UC Davis fourteen-years ago, I’d had a plan—graduate with my master’s in nursing, start my career, get married, then have kids. College had been long over, I was at a great point in my career, and it was time for me to move to the next step.
During my hospital internship, I’d found my niche working with geriatric patients. Before Bri and Josh had gotten together, she and I had moved to Santa Barbara to be closer to our families. It had been the perfect opportunity to leave my job at the hospital and open my own at-home nursing business. Now I had several nurses and caregivers on staff, as well as an answering and bookkeeping service.
Since my business was thriving, I had the luxury of working exclusively with only a handful of patients. The timing couldn’t be more perfect for me to start my family. The problem was, I was already pushing thirty-something, and there was no man on the horizon waiting to swoop me up and ride off into the sunset.
Being alone left me feeling hollow and depressed. So as much as it sucked, I had to accept the fact that I needed a new plan. There was still time for me to have a few kids, but that window was slowly closing.
The thought had crossed my mind to adopt, but I really wanted to experience pregnancy first. I figured I could still adopt in a few years when I wouldn’t be able to have more myself.
I was just a few months away from going in to be artificially inseminated and nothing was going to change my mind. I wasn’t taking any hormone shots since the doctor hadn’t found any fertility issues. If I didn’t get pregnant the first couple of times, I would reevaluate the shots.
Bri sat back down, tucking her feet under her behind. “You guys were so close. I just think it’s sad how one night changed your relationship so drastically that you haven’t even told him, as a friend.”
It was a low blow, but I had to remind her about one of her first run-ins with her now husband. “Bri, I love you like a sister, but you of all people know how one night can change a person and a relationship. Even if we start talking again, I don’t want him to know yet, so please don’t say anything to Josh.”
The delicate features on her beautiful face softened. “I won’t. It’s not my secret to share.”
“Thank you.” I relaxed my stance and stepped closer to the door.
She sat back, silent and thoughtful for a moment. “There’s something I don’t understand. If this is your new plan, why’re you still dating? What if you get pregnant and find your future husband right afterward?”
I shook my head. “Not gonna happen. I gave up looking for a man who wanted to settle down eight months ago. The guys I date now are looking for a good time, just like me. Until I actually go into the doctor's office, I have no intention of sitting at home on a Friday night all by myself.”
I could tell by the expression on her face that she was still concerned. She’d given me that same look when we were roommates and I’d brought a guy home with me. “Fine. I won’t pester you anymore.” She huffed while picking at a string on her skirt. “So who’s the guy you’re going out with tonight, anyway?”
“Someone I met a few weeks ago. His brother owns that new coffee shop, Cafe Cubano down on Mission Drive.”
“Mmmm—coffee.” Bri’s face lit up at the mention of her guilty pleasure.
I chuckled. She’d stopped drinking coffee when she got pregnant and still hadn’t indulged s
ince she was breastfeeding. I knew she couldn’t wait to get back to her caffeine addiction.
Unsure, I contemplated how much more I should share with her. Eric was at least five years younger than me and besides his good looks, he didn’t have much going for him. From what I could tell, the guy had no ambition, definitely wasn’t the sharpest tool and it seemed like the only reason he even had a job was because his brother had taken pity on him.
Unlike other guys I’d gone out with, Eric hadn’t once mentioned my weight. I wasn’t going to lie, hanging out with him had given me a bit of an ego boost. Plus, it wasn’t as though he hadn’t gotten anything in return since I’d paid for everything the handful of times we’d gone out. I had no plans of sharing that little tid-bit with Bri, though.
This thing with him would fizzle out in no time. And by then, I’d be ready to take on my new role as a mommy.
“Eric and I’ve gone out for drinks a few times. He’s fun, but definitely not husband or father material, so no need to worry.”
Nodding sleepily, she let her head rest on the arm of the couch and stared off into space.
I smiled fondly at her, knowing she was sacrificing precious nap time by sitting down here talking to me.
Steps away from the door, I turned to say goodbye when she picked up her head. “One more thing. I talked to the real estate agent about selling the condo, but I told her I didn’t want to put it on the market until you found another place. No rush, just wanted to let you know.”
“Okay, sounds good. I haven’t found a house yet, but I’ll let you know when I do.” I made a mental note of one more thing I needed to do before I went in and got myself knocked up.
“You better. I want to go see it with you.” She smiled weakly before placing her head on the arm once again.
