Breaking Everly

by Jessop, K. L

  “It's been so hard. When he was first diagnosed, I felt numb. It was like I’d been placed in this bubble and I was waiting for someone to pop it so I could breathe, but as time went on, it just got worse and each day that passed and each time they found something else wrong with him, another layer of the bubble pasted over the others. I've tried so hard to be strong for him, and I have been as best I can, but I don't think he realised how much it killed me.” Her voice cracks. “Does that make me a bad person?”

  “Of course not.”

  “I'm not strong anymore,” she whispers.

  “And it’s okay that you’re not. No one says you have to be.”

  “I keep thinking about all the things I wanted to tell him but didn't get chance to.” She looks at me, fresh tears falling hard as her lip quivers. “What if I didn’t tell him enough, Adam?”

  “Tell him what?”

  “How much I loved him?”

  “Everly…” I tuck her hair behind her ear. “He knew, sweetheart. He knew.”

  She presses her hand to her chest, as if to try and ease the unbearable ache, and cries out words that rip my heart in two, causing my own tears to fall. “But he's gone, Adam. My daddy has gone, and he’s never coming back.”

  I don’t think twice, pulling her onto my lap to straddle me as I hold onto her with everything I have while her body convulses against me. I don’t care where we are, and I don’t care if I’ve stepped out of line regarding her personal space. She needs this. We both do. And as she buries her head in my neck and my hand grips the back of her hair, we both let out years’ worth of solitude and heartache as we hold each other like it’s the last time we’ll ever hold each other again.

  * * *

  “Here. Drink this,” I say to Everly, handing her a cool bottle of water before sitting down beside her. After staying at the cemetery and just holding each other, I decided to take her away from everything and bring her down to the lake, not our place, just a little further over from Mac’s café. It’s quiet and enclosed with trees and it gives us a chance to talk some more and Everly a chance to relax. I could have taken her back to the social hall, but the selfish part inside of me wanted to keep her with me a little longer.

  “Thank you.”

  “I text your mum when I was getting these off Mac. I let her know you were ok.”

  She sighs, combing her fingers through the bottom of her hair. “I feel so guilty for not being with her. I feel like I’ve hardly seen her since I came back; I’ve just passed her onto Anita.”

  “She’ll understand.”

  “We even got cross with each other this morning.”

  “Wanna talk about it?”

  She shakes her head and opens her bottle of water for a drink. I watch her, trying to work out what is going on in that head of hers and wondering how I can make it right as she looks out over the lake. But I don’t want to push her.

  “Do you know how long you’re planning on staying?”

  “I’ve not really thought about it. I want to spend some time with Mum and make sure she is okay before I think of anything else. Work goes wherever I am, so I don’t have to worry about that.”

  “Well if you need someone to hang out with, I’m never too far.”

  She looks at me. “Aren’t you busy with work?”

  “Summer holidays so no teaching and I pick my times when out with my camera.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  She turns back to look over the water again, and my eyes remain on her, unable to look away. Even with all the crying she has done, she’s just as beautiful: the way her long lashes protect those big chestnut eyes, the way her pink lips look just as soft as I remember, making me want to feel them on mine, the way the curve of her neck is asking to be kissed as I smell her hair; the way the top of her dress stops just at her collarbone, hiding her body from me and covering the links of a necklace I can see she’s wearing. It's wrong of me to be thinking this way; it's wrong of me to be wanting this, but having held her and feeling her under my touch and on my fingertips, I want her more than anything. It’s a good feeling, but it’s also like a whole in the heart because I know what I want will never be.

  “How's your mum?” she says, breaking me from my turmoil. “I saw you with her today.”

  “She's good. We're good.”

  “Things better between you now?”

  “Now that she's no longer with Sam. They got divorced a few years back and our relationship is now like it always used to be.”

  “I didn't know that.” She seems genuinely surprised and it makes me question whether her parents stopped talking about me to her just like they stopped talking to me about Everly. Did they close us off to each other or did Everly make that decision for us both when she left Keswick?

  “Yeah, it got pretty rocky come the end. Things with Jamie just got out of hand and she couldn’t take anymore.”

  “Dad mentioned he was no longer around.”

  I don’t wish to talk about him because he has no part in this conversation after everything he did to our family and to Mum, but she’s talking and wanting to know what life has been like, so I continue the conversation. “No, he's in prison. Got sent down a few years back and I haven’t spoken to him since. I don’t want to talk to him.”

  “Why is he in there?”

  “Everything you can imagine. But one of the reasons is because of me.”

  She looks at me and I continue.

  “I was drunk one night, and we argued. It turned nasty very quickly and he left me in a blood bath right before he stole a car. So, I pressed charges.” I sigh out a heavy breath, feeling emotionally beaten with everything that’s happened today and what it’s led to. “It’s just me and Mum now. Everyone else either left or got carted off in handcuffs.”

  We’re back to the silence as she focuses on her hands that are now in her lap. It’s not at all awkward like it was the other day, but as I notice her brow pull together, I can sense something is playing on her mind.

  Reaching out, I brush the hair away from her face. “What’s wrong?”

  “I'm sorry I've put you in this position, Adam. It can't be easy for you with me being back here, especially with my outburst today.”

  It’s been a lot harder than I thought it would be and has raked up a lot of things I’ve tried so hard to forget. “It’s not been easy, but it helped that I knew you were coming back.”

  She frowns. “You knew?”

  “Your dad asked to see me when he came home from the hospital. He told me then.”

  Her surprise is genuine, and I hide my smile in knowing Mr Braithwaite hadn’t spoken of our conversation to his daughter. “I didn't know that.”

  “I'm glad I got the chance to see him. We had a good chat.”

  “In other words, he prepared you for my arrival.”

  “A little. He told me to go easy on you,” I admit. “But I guess I've not kept that promise, have I?”

  She shrugs. “It's understandable. You're here now so that's something.”

  I don’t want to push her for anything she doesn’t want to talk about, right now. I know the angst goes a lot deeper than everything that has happened with her dad, yet I can’t help the words that slip from my mouth. “Your dad also told me that you're hurting. And I get the feeling it's more than just from his illness. I can see it in your eyes. Am I wrong?”

  I don't let on about the conversation with Anita. That pretty much gave me more detail following from what her dad had spoken of, but by the way she is looking at me, with fresh tears in her eyes, it tells me it's true. She shakes her head, confirming my question, and I'm thankful that she’s slowly starting to let the walls down, even though it kills me knowing she's been struggling with more than just her dad's cancer. I shift position and turn so my body is facing her, needing to be close, letting her know that I’m here. “How long have you been hurting, Everly?”

  When she looks back down at her shaky hands, I'm convinced I've
lost her as the seconds tick by but then she whispers. “Too long.”

  The sadness behind her words generates the burn I’ve been feeling in my chest to awaken and my stomach to tighten.

  Finally, she looks up at me. “There's just this darkness in my life that I can't escape from, Adam. It's suffocating.”

  Reaching out, I tuck her hair behind her ear. Her eyes never leave mine.

  “You know, no matter what's happened between us, or how much you’re hurting, you can always talk to me.”

  “I know I can.” Her lip quivers and tears fall as she shakes her head. “But I can't tell you this.”

  “Everly…” I wipe her tears away with my thumb and cup her cheek.

  “I can’t, Adam. I just can’t.”

  My throat is beginning to hurt from the thick lump that's holding back my emotions from erupting. I swallow it down, not wanting to show her how much it hurts that she can no longer talk and trust me as she's already going through enough. What happened to us that was so bad that she no longer feels she can talk to me? Needing her closer and wanting to comfort her, I rest my forehead to hers, feeling her breath beat against my skin as my heart battles its own war. “Will you ever tell me?”

  “I don't know,” she whispers as her fist grips the neck of my shirt and her tiny frame begins to encounter another round of heavy tears. “I'm so sorry.”

  “Shh, its ok.” I kiss her forehead and once again pull her into my lap, needing to hold her. Only this time, I'm not doing it to comfort her, I’m doing it because of the need to console myself.

  18

  Everly

  “I’m so sorry it has to be now,” Anita says, squeezing me tight once she puts her last case in the car. She’s heading back to Milford Haven as work is getting too much for her to continue it here.

  “You need more space to work, I get it. I always said we had a small house.”

  “Everly,” my mum replies.

  Anita chuckles and squeezes me tighter not wanting to let go. The four weeks that she has been here have gone so fast, and we’ve not done as much as I’d wanted to do with her, but at the same time, I’ve not felt like doing much either.

  “I’m going to miss you so much,” she whispers, and I can hear the sadness in her voice.

  “Are you crying?”

  “Nope. Just something in my eye.”

  “Liar.” I smile, moving out of her hold and looking at her with a smile. “Thank you for being amazing, as always. I couldn’t have got through these past few weeks without you.”

  “You’ve got this, Ev. You’re braver than you believe. Call me when ever you want.”

  She turns to my mum who is now trying to hide the fact that she’s upset. “Helen, you are wonderful. Thank you for putting up with me.”

  “Nonsense. I could say the same to you.” They hug it out before Anita turns back to me and the reality of knowing I won’t have her here strikes the anxiety inside.

  “I can do this, can’t I?”

  She takes hold of my hands and looks at me with purpose. “Everly, you can do anything. Take as long as you need here but most importantly, just be yourself.” She is referring to when I see Adam. After he walked me home the day of Dad’s funeral and I saw Mum, I cried on her shoulder with a thousand apologies for leaving her at a time she needed me the most. But no matter how hard I tried to stay at the reception after, it was just too much. The hollowness I felt inside was unbearable and the more people that tried to comfort me or give me their condolences the more I couldn’t breathe. Thankfully, Mum understood my reasons for leaving and told me that I shouldn’t feel guilty, apologising for making me wear something she knew I wasn’t comfortable in.

  In a way I’m glad she did make me, though. Anita is always telling me that it’s good to step out the comfort zone and I’m proud that I did that day.

  “I’ll text you every day.” I give her one last hug, feeling my throat thicken with the tears that are building. “Now get going, I don’t want to cry anymore.”

  “I love you both.” With that she gets in her car and drives off, honking the horn all the way down the road, leaving Mum and me laughing at her.

  I place my arms around Mum’s waist as we stare into the distance after Anita. “Just you and me now, Mum.”

  “Yes. But we will make the most of every second we have together.”

  “Sounds like you already have plans.”

  “Oh, I do. I need to make some cakes for the church tabletop sale on Sunday. Will you help me?” Her eyes are glistening with both bliss and sorrow and it has my own smile gracing my face because it’s the first time since I’ve come home that she looks happy and at peace.

  “I’d love that, Mum.” As we turn to go inside, I add, “Besides, I can’t wait to lick the bowl.”

  She chuckles. “Everly Rose, you are not a child.”

  “No, but that mixture you do is so good.”

  * * *

  “Well I don’t know about you, but I think we did good,” I say to Mum, flopping down in the chair after a morning of full-on baking. We’ve made two Victoria sponges, two dozen cupcakes, two banana breads and three batches of flapjacks. All the while, we talked about Dad and how we missed his OCD where he would clean up after us as we went along.

  “I think it’s safe to say that I need to buy a dishwasher,” she says, placing the tray of tea and biscuits down on the coffee table. “Where’s your father when you need him?”

  I smile. “Up in the clouds somewhere, cursing you for mentioning something that’s going to increase your electricity bill.”

  “I’ve wanted one for years, but he’d never let me get one.” She shakes her head as if she disagrees with him. “It will be so much of a help when I bake. I’m doing more for the church and the town now then I ever did before.”

  “So then get one. You won’t be doing wrong in getting one just because he said no before.”

  She thinks for a moment as she holds her china cup and saucer. “I’ll have to ask Adam if he knows of anyone. He’s good friends with that Mac who owns the café down by the lake. He may know of someone I can get one from rather than ordering.”

  I don’t answer because my mind is now filled with Adam after hearing his name. I’ve not seen or heard from him in three days, but as much as I’ve wanted to see him, I’m also grateful that I haven’t because my mind is in spirals. I can still feel his touch from when he held me, the thud of my racing heart due to his proximity, the smell of his clothes and the feel of his warm breath on my neck. The way he held me in his arms had felt foreign, yet he’d created a feeling so profound, it had made my breath catch with the intensity. The protection he’d given me in that moment had been something I’ve not had in years, and the way he had my body reacting to his touch had caused my tears to erupt harder because he reminded me how much I’ve truly missed him. I guess that saying, ‘You don’t know what you’ve lost until it’s gone,’ is true because Adam, and everything we shared in the past, all came hurtling back like a bolt of lightning and struck my heart the instant he placed his hand on my back.

  “You know, you still haven’t told me what happened the other day with you and Adam.” Mum’s voice is low, and I can feel her eyes on me. I pick at the fabric on my harem trousers, trying to work out myself what did actually happen between us. Had it just been a case of him being there because he knew I needed someone or was it because he’d wanted to be there? What happens when I see him again?

  “There’s nothing to tell other than he was there.”

  “Everly.” Her concerned response has me looking at her. “It’s okay if you felt something, darling. Adam was the love of your life.”

  He still is.

  I sigh. “I just don’t know how I should be feeling, and I don’t know if I want to even feel anything at all.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because it’s just a reminder of how much it still hurts.”

  “Oh, darling.” Her sympathetic voice rings in
my ears a little too loudly, not because her tone is raised but because I detest the same reaction I get from people when I tell them how I feel. It’s been the same over the years with both my parents, Anita and any medical profession or mental health nurse I’ve seen. They have that look in their eye and it sickens me, not because they show it, sometimes they don’t even realise they are doing it, but because Jamie’s made them react in that way. He’s the one that’s had me feeling this way. He’s the one that’s caused so much damage on my heart and to those I love. He’s the one that can walk around like nothing matters and nothing happened when I’m here still struggling after all this time to get a hold on my life that should never have been taken from me. He did this to me, and I can’t get out of this fucking darkness I’m constantly being congested with.

  “I need some air.” Leaving my seat, I go over to Mum and kiss her on the head, needing to escape. “I’m going for a walk.”

  “Everly?”

  I halt and turn to look at her.

  “If I’ve learned one thing over my time spent with your father it’s to live every moment. I fear you won’t let your heart do that.” Her eyes are no longer glazed with sympathy: they are full of strength. “Don’t let him stop you from wanting what your heart truly wants.”

  * * *

  I’m down at Derwentwater Lake, only this time, I haven’t gone to where I was with Adam the other day. I’ve come to our place. It’s further on from any form of communication with other people and along the lake where the wood properly starts. I wanted to come here knowing I would be alone so I could think. I wanted to come here and remember if everything would be like it used to be and feel like it used to feel and see if—for a moment—it would ease the ache in my chest. But as I get further down and I see that the cabin is now untouched and overgrown with foliage, that ache remains, so I can’t go any further.

  Adam doesn’t come here anymore.