Breaking Everly

by Jessop, K. L

  That saddens me. This was always his favourite place. He first brought me here when we were kids. I had been in my yellow summers dress and he in his red shorts and black vest top. It had been our place—our secret hide out.

  As I lay back in the long grass and look up through the trees, sunlight beams down between the bright green leaves and the birds sing from way up high. It’s so peaceful down here. Closing my eyes, I think back to what Mum said before I left and try and think of a way in which I can change things.

  How can I stop him from taking what I want when he’s already taken everything?

  No amount of medication or counselling sessions have made it right. No number of tears shed have given me my life back. What other options do I have? This is who I am now. This is what I’ve become, and even if there is another way to change my life and get it back, I don’t know if I have any strength left. It’s pathetic. I know I’m pathetic, but what’s the point in trying when I’m tired of fighting a war that can never be won.

  I jump at the sound of barking and sit up. A large golden-coloured dog is running down between the grass with his tongue hanging out of his mouth and very much charging in my direction. I’m up on my feet as I hear a guy shout after the dog but before I have a chance to escape, Adam comes into view, and I am being licked to death by a golden retriever and trying hard not to fall over with his excitement.

  “Hello there. What’s your name? You’re beautiful.” I stroke him down as I greet him. He’s up on his hind legs and I take a step back. “Oh wow, you want big cuddles, hey?”

  “Bailey, get down.” Adam’s stern voice becomes louder the closer he gets and when the dog does as he’s told, Adam stops in his tracks.

  “Everly?”

  I stand up straight as if I’m in class and the teacher has just walked into the room. Chills cascading down my spine at the way his eyes glance down my body. It has my heart racing—racing because I want to run and escape this reaction he is having over me and racing because I’m wanting it more.

  “Hey.”

  “I see you’ve met Bailey.”

  “Is he yours?”

  “Yeah. I’ve had him a few years.” Bailey once again wants to play and jumps up at me, almost towering over me. I laugh and scrunch my face up as he licks my neck.

  “Bailey, stop!” Adam orders, but I can sense the amusement behind his voice. “Sorry, he’s not normally one to jump up.”

  “He’s gorgeous.”

  “He’s crazy.”

  Bailey sniffs around the ground and nuzzles his nose into the grass. Finding a stick, he picks it up and comes back to me. “Oh, you want to play?”

  “Throw it into the lake if you want, he loves to swim in there.”

  With as big a throw as I can muster, the stick flies through the air and Bailey charges down the bank and leaps into the water.

  His spirited self has me laughing. “Is he always that playful?”

  “Yeah, we come down here most days so he can let off some steam.”

  So, he does come to this part of the lake, he just doesn’t go to the cabin?

  “It’s nice to get away from it all. Have some space from everyone.”

  Is that my cue to go? Am I intruding?

  Unsure of what to think, I go with my gut. “I was just, um…” I point at nothing. “I’ll leave you to it.”

  “Don’t.” His hand clasps my wrist as I go to walk past, the delicacy of his touch makes my skin heat. When our eyes lock, the plea in his signifies everything he’s yet to say. “I don’t want you to go.”

  The weight of his murmur has the butterflies taking flight and I nod in response because he’s robbed every ounce of control I had with his spellbinding stare and his intoxicating touch. I can’t draw my eyes away. His brown hues are the home I once knew, the ones that always made me feel safe. His curved jaw is covered in light scruff and his skin is tanned from the summer sun. I’ve seen it all before, but right now, it’s as though I’m seeing him for the first time, and as his eyes search my features, I can sense that he’s feeling this too.

  Something is changing between us, and I fear it shouldn’t be happening.

  I dislike yet relish the warmth of his touch that radiates through me—the one that always made me breathless. When his eyes fall to my lips, it’s only for a moment but in that moment, I want them on mine. The feelings he’s generating have my body waking in places that have been closed off for years: want and need have been forbidden; desire has been something I couldn’t even empower and even if I’d wanted anything like that, it would have felt like a betrayal on the man I left behind. Now, here, having him this close to me is causing an influx of sensations I can’t even comprehend, reminding me that even after all these years he still owns me, even when I can now never be his.

  I don’t want to go either, but every time I see him my heart crushes that little bit more and it’s that I’m running from.

  As if he senses the tension needs breaking, Bailey suddenly decides to leap from the lake and shake his thick, wet coat, covering us in a shower of water, leaving me squealing as I curl my body into Adam for protection.

  “Oh my God!”

  “Bailey!” Adam laughs. “Atta boy.”

  “Thanks for that, Bailey.” He barks at me and dances around in circles. I move away from Adam and sit back down in my spot on the grass.

  “Told you he was crazy.” Adam sits down beside me, now throwing a ball out for Bailey. “Although he can be an excellent hunter and trainer photographer dog.”

  My eyes widen, intrigued and wanting to know more. “Photographer dog? Like sits and poses for you?”

  “Oh no, he comes out with me to the wood and does stakeouts and everything. Just lays down low and waits for me to finish.”

  “Wow. That’s impressive.”

  “I know, the boy’s got talent.”

  Bailey comes back with his red ball in his mouth and mud now covering his nose. Once Adam throws the ball back out, he turns to me. “I’ve not made contact since the other day because I thought you might have needed some time. How have you been?”

  I appreciate that he hadn’t pushed me further to tell him my demons the other day, but I also know I’m walking on thin ice, and when it cracks, those demons will have no way of hiding, no matter how hard I try to withhold them. “I’m getting there. Adjusting to life without Dad isn't easy, but I've had time to realise he's at peace now. It's like I couldn’t register that before, you know?”

  “I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. I guess it's only going to take time.”

  “I wanted to thank you for the other day. It meant a lot.”

  He smiles softly. “So why are you hiding away down here on your own?”

  I’m missing Anita already and want to talk to her about these new feelings that have inflicted upon me. “Anita left this morning. She had to go back home as she’s bogged down with work.”

  “Sorry to hear that. But I guess it will be nice to have that mother / daughter time with your mum.”

  “We already have. I’ve been helping her bake for some church thing,” I wave my hand in expression.

  “Don’t tell me, she made those delicious Victoria sponges.”

  I chuckle, knowing how much he used to love them when she made them. “She made two.”

  “Lord, you’re killing me. I can remember eating one of those in one sitting.”

  I laugh. “And you had to lay down for the rest of the afternoon because you felt sick.”

  Getting hot from the sun beating down between the trees, I take off my thin cotton jumper that’s over my t-shirt and place it beside me. “I’ll have to get her to make you one. That also reminds me, just to give you the heads up, she needs to ask you something about a dishwasher.” I find his eyes locked on my neck and heat rises up my body, not because he’s looking at me but because of what he’s looking at. The star necklace he gave me. It’s the one thing I’ve made sure to keep safe ever since the day I receive
d it, and it’s the only thing I’ve not been able to let go of.

  “You're wearing the necklace,” his voice is gravelly with emotion and guilt lines my veins.

  My fingers dust over the silver chain as I admit through a whisper. “I’ve never taken it off.” He doesn’t say anything; he doesn’t even look at me as his jaw muscles move as if he’s fighting with words he’s trying to hold back. Removing his gaze from me, he throws Bailey’s ball back out who is now waiting patiently. The silence that is now between us makes me feel cold and I’m in two minds whether to leave when my mum’s words come back in my mind once again. I don’t want the past to ruin any sort of progress I’m making with Adam. Too much time has been lost, so I sit beside him and let the tension between us slowly fade as we watch Bailey in the lake having the time of his life.

  “Remember coming down here in the summer?” I ask, hoping he’ll answer.

  “Of course, I can. We spent every weekend here, even in the winter.”

  “Can you remember that time I raced you down the pier to see who could get into the water the fastest?”

  “Yes.” He’s fighting back a grin but it soon spreads across his lips. “I left home that day thinking it would be a great day, then ended it in hospital because I broke my ankle.”

  “You didn’t even make it into the water.” I chuckle lightly.

  “Because someone failed to remove the banana skin they left that morning.”

  “Not guilty.”

  “You very much were. You proved it with the way you nursed me for weeks.”

  “I just felt sorry for you.” I smile, silence falling between us once more, only this time I’m thankful that it’s one of peace as I think back to the good times we shared when nothing was burnt or tarnished.

  My smile falls quickly, and that knife is back, twisting in my stomach. “I was happy back then, Adam.” The words are out of my mouth before I realise, but I also add. “I miss feeling like that.”

  I can feel his eyes on me and I know he’s doing everything within his power not to react, yell at me, tell me it’s my own fault for leaving, ask me why I left to begin with... Instead, he says words that pull at my heart with the hope I’ve always longed for. “You can still have it, Everly. No one says you can’t get that girl back.”

  I shake my head and look at him, fighting the rawness I feel deep inside. “What if she’s gone forever?”

  Reaching out, he tucks my hair behind my ear and murmurs. “I don’t think she’s gone. I just don’t think she has found her way back yet.”

  “How do I get her back?”

  “We’ll find a way.” His eyes tell me he means what he says, and for the first time, I’m willing to try and find the girl that was once lost. Dad was right, I can’t let Jamie take any more of my life, but the idea of finding me again somewhat scares me because she’s been gone for so long. “Can we be friends again?”

  He smiles tenderly. “I think we already are.”

  19

  Adam

  “How're things with you and young Everly?” Mac shouts from across the grounds of his café garden, hobbling with his walking stick as he holds his cup in his other hand. I smile inwardly as I see the coffee slop over the top but know damn well he’ll tell me to sit the fuck back down if I should offer to help him. The very first time I did, I had a whack on the back of my hand with his stick as if I’d asked the most preposterous thing in the world.

  I think back to yesterday and what happened at the lake and how I’d spent the entire night trying to rationalise the way she is making me feel. Conflicted. Confused. Longing. Loneliness. You name it, Everly’s churning them all up inside of me and she has no fucking idea that she is.

  “Have you seen her recently?” He questions, now sitting himself down on the bench across from me.

  “Yeah,” I sigh, looking out over the lake and noticing the decline in water due to evaporation with the heat. We need a good spell of rain as these past few weeks have been either overcast or scorching hot. “I saw her yesterday down at the lake, not far from the cabin.”

  “Oh?” He sips his drink and looks at me, waiting for me to elaborate on the conversation. “And?”

  And it was the best fucking feeling in the world.

  I’d been surprised to see her there, but in that moment, everything had seemed to fall into place, like nothing mattered. So, I’d gone with what my gut was telling me. But then, when she had stood close to me, I’d once again been fighting my own wants and needs. I want her. I need her. But at the same time, I shouldn’t be letting my temptations get the better of me because I need to work out what the fuck is going on and get my head clear before I even begin to think about what happens next. But the more I try and push my desires aside, the more she pulls me back and I want her more than ever. And what confuses the shit out of me is that I could see in her eyes she wants it, too.

  “We had a moment.”

  Mac's eyes light up. “A moment, huh? What sort of moment?”

  “I don’t know. I asked her to stay and the next minute it was like we were in this unbreakable trance. Time stood still as if we were soul-searching, trying to read each other and work out what we are both feeling.”

  I’d wanted to kiss her.

  “And it was there, just like old times.”

  “What?”

  “The electricity. That connection we always had. I knew she felt it; I saw it in her eyes.”

  “So, what happened?”

  I shake my head with an amused grin. “Bailey jumped from the lake and shook water all over us.”

  Mac’s deep laugh rumbles between us and I can’t help but laugh with him. “Moment killed?”

  “Tell me about it. Seriously, that dog has been the biggest cock block a guy can have. Not one woman has been in my bed since I got him.”

  Bailey comes over to us as if he knows we are talking about him.

  “What is he saying about you, huh, boy?” Mac chuckles, while he ruffles Bailey’s fur.

  “The truth.” I can’t remember the last time I slept with a woman. The only time anyone has entered my bed has been purely for a release. Now, since the day Everly came back, my bed has never felt so cold and I’m longing to fill the empty space. I guess I’d got used to the void over the years, but once I’d seen her, the impact made me realise what I’ve lost so deeply and loved too strongly.

  “So, what are you going to do now?”

  I sigh, unsure about which way to play it. “I don’t know. Something is telling me to wait because she broke my heart once and could easily do it again. But then, on the other hand, I don’t think I can sit back and do nothing when she’s opened up the past and has all these feelings and desires raging through me all over again. I can’t breathe at times, Mac. I just don’t know what’s right anymore and another day brings another opportunity to ask her, but something stops me from doing so because I’m afraid it’s too soon. She’s still wearing the necklace I gave her the Christmas before she left. What the fuck is that all about?”

  It’s just a necklace—it shouldn’t mean a damn thing—but when I’d seen that it was still around her neck it was like the biggest kick to the fucking heart.

  It had meant something. Everything we ever gave each other had meant something. They weren’t just gifts for the sake of it, something we’d thought each other would appreciate. Each item we’d given had been thought through and from the heart—symbols of our commitment, proposals of our love. Why is she still wearing it?

  Silence falls between us and I know Mac is thinking of a response. That's the one thing I love about this old guy, he listens, takes in what you say and processes it before speaking. It's like he's wracking his brain to try and give back the best advice as possible.

  “Have you ever stopped to think that when she first left all that time ago, she didn't leave because she stopped loving you but because she had to?”

  “How'd you mean?”

  He shrugs. “Some people sometimes h
ave to leave for reasons we don't understand—reasons different to what we think. I'm not saying that's definitely what happened with Everly.” He leans forward, eyes holding mine. “But if she left because she didn't love you the same then that connection wouldn't be there now, would it? And you would have known from the moment you saw her whether it was or not.”

  “So, you’re saying that there’s still something?”

  “Only time will tell. But I saw the way she looked at you when she saw you down here that day, and I’ve been around long enough to know that those eyes of hers tell me that she didn't just go for the reasons you believe.”

  “And if you’re right. What do I do in the meantime? Nothing?”

  “You wait. Be patient and rebuild any trust that may have been lost between you. Just be there.”

  Which is what I’m trying to do, but I don’t think anyone knows how fucking hard it is. Meanwhile, I’m meant to just sit back and pretend I’m okay with the fact she left me. I've accepted the fact she can't tell me why she left. For now. But that doesn't mean I've forgotten. I just need to find a way of breaking down that wall she is hiding behind and get her to open up to me. Maybe Mac is right: maybe I need to gain her trust more. Or maybe I need to go back to the one place I know will hit her hard and hope that it’s the right thing to do in order for her to see how much she broke me.

  * * *

  I unlock the door and push on the old warped wood. The sound of the cracks and clunks indicate just how long it's been since I was last here. The musty smell of the unused area hits my senses and the sunrays stream through the two dirty windows, highlighting the thick layer of dust covering the furniture. Years of memories hit hard as I stand in the doorway of the cabin, trying to decide whether to enter and continue with my mission or to turn away and lock this place back up again like Everly’s return never happened.

  “Welcome to my old home, Bailey,” I say on a sigh, looking down at him as those big eyes of wonder stare back at me. The dust makes me cough as I strip the covers back that’ve protected the wooden table and chairs and Bailey sniffs around the floor like some detective. Taking a minute, I just stand and look around a little longer, mesmerised at how everything has been left untouched like it was only hours since we were last here: the makeshift bed in the corner that brought those nights of lovemaking and blissful conversations about where we wanted our dreams to go; the stove where she would make breakfast in just my shirt, showing her tanned legs and the hint of her lace knickers as her hair was pulled up into a messy top-not; the photos—now faded—pinned to the wood wall from all the memories we’d made along the way. Everywhere I turn, I see ghosted visions of us and the times we shared, causing that deep twist of painful force inside and making me swallow back the surge of emotion that’s suddenly hit. Needing the feeling inside of me to shift, I get started on cleaning the place up, thankful that I brought some tools with me as I notice things that need repairing. I start with prizing open the windows to get some air in before throwing out the old covers from the bed. Once I do that, I make a start in repairing the damaged floor where the wood is splintered and broken. I can see why the council are in talks about knocking this place down: it’s a shit hole. There’s damage to the outside where wood panels need replacing and the regrowth of the weeds and bushes are ridiculous in the surrounding grounds. I had Mac have a word with his friend that used to be on the council to tell him of my plans. I just hope I can accomplish them.