Fearing Regret

by Barbara Speak

"I'm not sure if it's today, or the first day you walked into mine."

  "Damn woman, why do you always come up with the better line."

  "Because, I'm the best there is."

  "Yes, you are."

  Five hours later all of the girls were in my parent’s room getting ready. All of the men had tuxedos, thanks to the brothers knowing Tony's size. We found Kara the perfect dress in a neighbor resort's boutique. My mother had a gorgeous mother of the bride gown. Ironically, it was the one I had chosen for her to wear for Sadie and Asher's wedding. Janet had a beautiful gown as well. Sadie and Heather are always on the mark for fashion, so of course they brought theirs and looked stunning. But mine, my gown was as breathtaking as a gown could be. I wasn't sure which one they had been talking about this morning, but when my mother unzipped the garment bag, I almost burst into tears. It was so simple and elegant. It didn't have stones or sequence or even pearls. It was layer upon layer of satin fabric and I couldn't wait to try it on.

  "How did you know what size to get?"

  "I'm your mother Katherine. I know."

  I doubted her for a second, until I stepped into the gown and it was pulled up from the floor to my chest. I slipped off my bra, as my mom buttoned up the back.

  "How did you get this awful tan?"

  I busted out laughing. I had forgotten all about it.

  "Is it that bad?"

  "As long as your facing one way or the other. Any side view and you will look ridiculous."

  "Point taken."

  I turned once she was done, faced the mirror and gasped. My swollen breasts filled out the top perfectly, without spilling over and looking tacky. It was strapless but was covered in lace. The empire cut of the skirt hit right above the baby bump, disguising it. Pick-ups were placed randomly in the fabric as it fell to touch the floor.

  "It's perfect. Sadie, we did our job well."

  I looked at them both and said, "This means the world to me."

  Sadie turned to me and said, "You mean the world to us so we're even."

  Sadie curled my hair but left it down. When Kara found a yellow tropical hibiscus and brought it into the room, I fell in love with it, changing the style completely. We decided to pull the sides to the back and have the flower in the center. Sadie played around with some more of my hair, making it look like a vine for the flower to grow off of. It was incredible.

  Heather worked on my makeup and by the time she was done, I was the prettiest form of myself. Each of us helped the other, making sure everyone looked beautiful.

  "Is everyone decent?"

  My dad's voice was heard and I knew what that meant. The time had come.

  "Yes Michael, come in."

  I turned from the mirror to face him, as he entered the room.

  "My little girl is getting married. You make the most stunning bride ever, Katie Cat."

  "Thank you, Dad."

  "There is a very eager man ready to claim his bride out there and I'm not sure I can hold him off that much longer. Are you ready to do this?"

  "I've never been more ready for anything in my life."

  Everyone left the room, leaving me and my father. I picked up the bouquet of exotic flowers Tony had delivered to me and then linked my arm in his.

  We went from hall to hall until it broke free into the open, where the gazebo was visual from where we stood. Tony and I chose it specifically because of the long wooden walkway over the water until you reached it. The gazebo floor was made of glass ironically, making it perfect. We loved it at first site.

  I looked from person to person and could make out everyone but Tony, he seemed to be set back out of view.

  "You picked the perfect spot. The sun is getting ready to set."

  "We hoped for this. Dad, I've never been so happy."

  "I know honey, I've never been so happy for you."

  As we walked closer, I could hear John Legend singing “All of Me” through the speakers. I never thought about music, but of course Tony did and I couldn't have picked a better song for this moment.

  Once we were walking down the path over the water, Tony stepped forward and I caught my breath. He was everything I ever dreamed of and never thought I would find. His face mirrored mine, wearing a smile from ear to ear. He was dressed solidly in white while all of the others wore black. His eyes were what drew me in though. They sparkled from the reflection of the sun off of the water and I could see they were filling with the same thing that had just started falling from mine.

  When we reached the gazebo he mouthed the words, “Beautiful” as my father gave me away and I came to stand opposite of my soon to be husband.

  While the minister spoke of the traditions of Mexico and what marriage stood for, I focused on nothing but Tony. We hadn't had the time to think of vows and decided it would be easier to just go with what they had planned in the ceremony.

  His eyes never left mine as we told each other how we would love, honor and respect one another. The obey part caused a laugh to come from everyone. They knew us too well.

  I never remembered weddings taking this long. The minister seemed to drag it out just to torture me. Tony stared down into my eyes the entire time, never seeming to even blink. I knew we were exactly where we should be and I was so happy that he never gave up on asking me. When it finally came time to pronounce us man and wife, I was hopping up and down on my toes, waiting for permission to kiss my HUSBAND.

  "You may now kiss your bride."

  Tony grabbed both sides of my face and slowly brought his lips to mine. We both parted our lips at the same time, making it a soft, sensual, romantic, first kiss. Well, first for being married.

  Everyone screamed and cheered as we turned to face them all, hand in hand. Looking at our united family and knowing we were able to share our moment with them was amazing. We had finally done it. So many thoughts were going through my mind as I took in their smiling faces. All of a sudden, Tony raised our joined hands in the air and screamed, "SHE FINALLY SAID YES!"

  EPILOGUE

  Several Months Later

  The ground crunched under our feet as we made our way through the confusion. We had gotten specific instructions as to where it would be, but with so many to choose from, it was easier said than done.

  Finally we came upon the correct one. The breath I had been holding was let out in an almost wail, as I fell to the ground before it. Tony held the baby as I cried for the loss of my best friend.

  Ryan Thomas Eaton

  1981 - 2013

  Beloved son of William and Laura Eaton

  May the angels that took you from us hold you tightly in their grasp for eternity

  "I'm sorry you had to go and I'm sorry I let you down. Had I just listened to you that day, things could have worked out so differently. I know you're looking down on me right now, disappointed that I'm still holding on to all of this, but losing you crushed me. I lost the person who always put me back together. How was I supposed to do that for the first time on my own, under the circomestances that took you from me? I didn't do it well, Ryan. In fact I was pretty shitty at it.

  You were right about Tony, you were right about me. You knew it all along. I just refused to give in. Learning how to heal from your loss taught me how to forgive. Thank God for that or I might have continued to push away the one thing I need most in this world. I wish so many things could be changed but I have to focus on what to be grateful for. Guess what? Chad and Kara had a baby! A little boy and they named him Alexander Thomas. Chris is doing great, he and Reed are over, but it looks like he’s possibly going to start working with an MMA fighter. Everyone is doing really good.

  I’m so happy I got to see you again after all that time, even if it was cut short. You were always the best friend a person could ask for. I’m glad you had the chance to feel what it’s like to be loved the way you always deserved. I’m grateful I got to see you so happy. Speaking of love, I got married! Tony can you come over here?"

  I wiped the falling tea
rs and turned to find him standing a safe distance away. When our eyes connected I smiled, letting him know I was okay. He made each step cautiously, until he came to sit next to me. I unbuckled the seat and took the baby in my arms.

  "Ryan, I would like you to meet Brooklyn Ryan Harrison, Tony’s and my daughter. Tony was the one that chose to use your name for her. In fact, he wanted it to be her first name but I fought him on that one."

  "I tried, dude. She's not lying. She wouldn't give in at all."

  "Regardless of how the order went, we wanted her to carry a piece of you with her, always."

  I looked over at Tony and then down at Brook, feeling a sense of peace wash over me. I needed to do this and I felt so much better now that I had.

  "Ryan, I promise, I will never forget you, I will always miss you and know that you will be loved by me forever.”

  I wiped the tears from my cheeks and then looked at Tony and said,

  “Are you ready to get out of here, she's going to need a bottle soon."

  "Yeah sure, but can I please have a second alone. There are some things I need to say."

  I grabbed the car seat and moved it over by a tree, giving Tony some space. As I was buckling her in, I heard him sniffle more than once. The only time I have heard my husband cry was the day we delivered our daughter. I wanted to respect his privacy but I needed to know what had him so upset, so I listened.

  "I owe you so much more than a name. You saved my girls that day. Had you not jumped in front of her, I wouldn't have either of them. You protected my most precious possessions and I can't thank you enough. I’m sorry that I ever once felt you would hurt her. I know you would and did do everything you could to protect Kate. When it comes to loving and protecting these girls, there is no limit for me. They are my soul, my world, my everything. You were a hero that day and I will forever be grateful for your sacrifice. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart."

  Tony stood up, wiped his tears and walked over to where we were waiting for him.

  "Are you okay?"

  "I just needed to say a few things man to man, but I'm all good. Do you feel better now that we came?"

  "I needed this more than you could know. Not being able to say goodbye properly was awful. This way, I know he's in a much better place. It makes me feel better to think he's not gone forever, he just got there really early and is waiting on us to start the party."

  "He better be waiting a long ass time."

  "No kidding, we have more babies to make."

  "You want more already?"

  "I'm not getting any younger."

  His jaw dropped and I laughed all the way to the car.

  .On the flight home, both Brooklyn and Tony fell asleep, leaving me with time to reflect. As much as I wish Ryan were here to share in my joy, I have to agree with my husband. He will forever be my hero and a part of me hopes he is Brook's guardian angel as well.

  If you would have asked me back in the beginning, where I saw myself today I probably would have said that I was forever going to be the single girl, falling for all the wrong men. I know for sure I wouldn't have told you that I was going to find the one man who would accept me for all of my flaws and love me unconditionally. Life has a way of placing things in your path. You have a choice to embrace it, cherish it or discard it. What I found with Tony will be my forever and always. I don't want to take life for granted and say we will be able to spend our lives together until we are old and grey, I know too well that we don’t always get that lucky. But I do know how ever long I get to have him, no matter what the time frame may be, he will eternally be my only.

  Brooklyn has been an amazing gift ever since I found out she existed. It was almost as if God gave her to me at the same time he took Ryan. I know that isn’t the truth, but she definitely gave me something positive to move toward. Nothing can compare to the feeling I got when I held my little girl in my arms for the first time. All of my worries are for her now. Let's just hope Tony and I raise her to never make the same mistakes I did, and never settle for anything less than the man her father is.

  Sounds like an easy task right? I have all the doubt in the world, but here’s to hoping!

  Acknowledgements

  I wanted to make sure this time around that I thanked everyone who took time out of their lives to make this as amazing of a process as it has been for me.

  Dana Wilson- You were there, guiding me from the very first chapter of my first book. You have always been there when I need to bounce an idea off of you or to complain about something not working. Thank you so much

  Rachael Orman- Thank you for working so hard to get my name out there in the first place.

  Rebecca Duperron- Without you, I wouldn’t have the amazing art you create for my covers, or the ear I need when I’m on a rant, haha.

  Wendi Temporado- You were there to pick up the pieces that were never yours to have to fix. You have always bent over backwards to help me and I can’t thank you enough.

  To the blog- Just Another Girl and Her Books: You were my biggest fans from the very beginning! Thank you so much.

  To my beloved street team- Each and every one of you work so hard at helping me get my books out there for the world to enjoy. You truly do believe in me and that means everything. Without you I would be lost. Stacey Owens Jones, Courtney Richter, Jennifer Juers, Terri McKee Mock, Blythe Kuykendall, Ashley Talbott Ray, you guys are amazing.

  Kara Bailey- I don’t know where to start. You have been my girl. The one I can go to with anything and you are ready to help. You make this whole experience so much easier and better by having you in it.

  For all the bloggers who saw a name they didn’t recognize and yet still took a chance on me, Thank you so much! I now can call many of you friends and I find that a blessing in itself.

  To my amazing family and friends- Thank you not only for your support, but for some, the countless hours of hearing about nothing other than the current book I was on. You mean everything to me.

  To my mother- You are my very best friend. You have always been my rock, the person who will always give me the truth, even if it hurts. You molded me into the woman that I am and I will never be able to thank you enough.

  To my husband- You have always been my other half. I would never be able to any of this if I didn’t have you next to me. Thank you for loving me like you do.

  And finally, my fans:

  Without you I wouldn’t have anything to fuel my passion. You make all of the hard work worth it. Thank you so much for all of the Facebook posts and comments on Goodreads. You have no idea how much the smile I get from those means to me, keep them coming.

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