Whatever Comes First

by M. K. Lee

  "Sarah—"

  "We agreed this wouldn't be complicated. No pressure or anything. Not that we'd fuck around," Joel's cold retort sounds so unlike him, at least so very different from what Matthew's got used to hearing that it worries him. "Unless that's something you wanted," Joel adds, and this time it's lower, closer to him like it's private, and so very full of doubt Matthew's got a good mind to kiss it out of him right there in the bar. But the oddness of the signals Joel's giving off tell him not to, alarm bells ringing and warning him to hold back.

  "Yeah, that's what we agreed," Matthew replies, careful and quiet. "Me and Sarah... we don't... we don't do that anymore. And it was... it was just a few times—"

  "How many's a few?" Joel bites back with, looking shocked at his own outburst and pulling back further still, shaking his head to show he both does and doesn't want to know the answer to that. Sarah shuffles her chair pointedly back from Matthew so there's a friendly gap between them and peers around his side.

  "Not many," she leans in to tell him, looking at Joel with sincerity and wincing. Matthew recognises that look as the one she gives when she's unintentionally done something hurtful and is feeling guilty about it. "Not many at all, and... and we already agreed it'd never happen again. It's not even like we'd want it to, anyway."

  Matthew feels so odd sat between the two of them, a silent staring match that he is party to but not a part of. Especially when Joel turns to him stiffly with a guarded expression and quietly tells him, "I... I wouldn't stop you if you wanted to."

  "Stop me what?"

  "Sleeping with someone else. I—it'd be pretty selfish of me to tell you I didn't want to get serious with you but that you're not allowed to look at anyone else," the shrug Joel gives is nonchalant, easy, as though this doesn't matter. But Matthew feels his gut drop at the very thought of it.

  "I don't—I don't want that," he tells Joel as he gives his head a rapid shake. "I don't... we're... this is good as it is. I don't—I don't want anything more than that, not with... not yet. We're... we're good. We're good as we are. Aren't we?"

  Joel continues watching him for another few seconds but to Matthew it feels like an age. Then he's nodding, his expression shifts to something similar to his normal one though tinged with caution. And then Joel's leaning in and kissing him, just a quick dry thing, but taking an edge off the nervousness fluttering in Matthew's chest. "I'll get some more drinks in," Joel parts with a second later, draining his glass as he stands and heading over to the bar without another word.

  As one, Sarah and Matthew turn to watch him. "He's... I think maybe you've found yourself something a little more than a fuck buddy," Sarah nudges him with a smile obvious in her voice. Matthew can hear it but he's not yet able to snatch his eyes away from watching Joel. Sarah gives a nudge against his arm, less intimate, more respectful than it usually is, as though she's pulling back and showing Joel she's not any kind of threat—even when his back is turned.

  "Not like that, Sarah," Matthew tells her with a touch of warning in his reply, though his stomach is still churning with anxiousness that he doesn't really have a name for. "We're not like that. We're just... we're just having fun."

  "Uh huh," Sarah says, archly. "You don't fool me. Think I don't recognise when you're falling for someone after all this time?"

  "I'm not—"

  "And think I can't tell he's falling for you too?" She continues with, grinning. "All I ask is that you invite me to the wedding. Maybe thank me in your speeches for you two getting together in the first place."

  "Sarah—"

  "Hey," and Sarah stops him with a grip around his upper arm in a gesture that's clear to anyone who happens to look over is nothing but platonic. "Look. You feel whatever you feel, okay? Nothing wrong with that. And... and if you're not ready to admit it to me—or yourself—then that's fine too. But... but I'm here to listen. Whenever you need it. Whenever you want to. Okay?"

  Matthew's entire body slumps in relief that he didn't know he was holding out for. He tells himself he won't acknowledge anything, not yet, feeling it far too soon. But he smiles back at her warmly, and that seems enough to tell her thank you. Sarah grins and snatches up her glass, peering at him over the top of it.

  "Besides," she tells him then, her voice teasing and lilting and so very pleased, "not like he doesn't feel something back for you already. Aside from obvious lust that is. Not like this is a one-sided thing." Matthew immediately denies it with a firm shake of his head and a gulp of the dregs of his own drink to prevent any words from spilling out of him.

  "He wants you," she concludes a second later, all but beaming. Matthew rolls his eyes in denial yet again but chooses not to comment, instead turning his gaze back to watch Joel returning and give him what he hopes is an easy wink. Matthew leans in and kisses him when Joel sits back down beside him, uncaring of the consequences or the audience. And when Sarah tactfully excuses herself for the bathroom he slips his hands up the seam of Joel's jeans to squeeze around him in promise for later.

  At closing time they walk Sarah home then take a circular route that will drop Joel off on the way back to Matthew's. The second they're alone a wall of tension feels like it's wedged itself between them. Steeling himself Matthew takes a breath for bravery and reaches out, slipping his fingers in between Joel's and feeling them jolt with surprise. Matthew turns his head, sees Joel's eyes fall to their joint hands to consider them for a moment, then feels him squeeze back, before looking up at him with a cautious smile.

  By the time they get to Joel's the tension has mostly lifted. Matthew crowds him back against the wall and thrusts his tongue into his mouth with a relieved groan. Joel's hands wrap around to pull him closer then slide down to grip around his ass so he can grind up against him. A wolf whistle comes from someone passing and a burst of laughter has them pulling back a touch, but they're still leaning into one another and staring. Matthew leans in for another kiss, a gentle one this time, his heart giving a thud at the relieved way Joel's eyes fluttered closed.

  "Sarah's just... Sarah," he tells Joel, bending to mouth at his ear and along his neck before a quick claim of his mouth again. "She's just... she's only joking. We... when I realised I was... when I admitted I was bisexual we had this long talk about it. Turned out she'd suspected as much for years. And we've... we've never really been attracted to each other, you know?"

  "If that's true, how come you slept together?" Joel asks him, his voice small and his eyes busy concentrating on his own fingers gripped around the edges of Matthew's jacket.

  "Comfort?" Matthew suggests with a shrug, "Familiarity? It was literally five... six times. Both when we were single, feeling incredibly lonely. Always drunk too. I don't know, I guess I lucked out with—we lucked out with it never being weird between us. Sarah's always been... from the moment we met she's been the best friend I could ever have asked for."

  Matthew's aware he's monologuing, and he knows he's got some reassuring to do here. The last thing he wants is to offend Joel in any way when what they're doing together has been so overwhelmingly good so far that he still wakes up every morning amazed at his luck. But Sarah, he thinks to himself, she's also important, possibly more important than anyone else in his life. She's been there for him when no one else has, been his confidant and ally and friend for so long now it's impossible to imagine life without her.

  Joel gives a series of slow nods at his words, appearing to think them over. "I wondered if... I mean I was close enough to Sarah in school and college, but when I moved away for university we lost touch. And she's great. I know that, really I do. I just... the way you... I—"

  "Because we've slept together it got weird for you tonight when she was, uh... teasing?" Matthew says, trying to help him find his words. Joel sighs hard but nods, letting his head fall against his shoulder and mumbling in there.

  "You just said," Joel's mumbled, still not able to look at him, "that it's happened—it only ever happens when you're drunk. If—"

&
nbsp; "It did," Matthew tells him, squeezing his arms, "doesn't mean it's gonna happen every time we get drunk together now. It's... it's something from our past. We just... we don't do that anymore."

  Joel nods against him and sighs. "I thought maybe she'd invite herself along to... you know. What we do," Matthew snorts but wraps his arms tighter and presses a kiss to the side of the head.

  "You mean like a threesome? Or just watching? I mean she'd probably get a kick out of watching. She's a complete voyeur when she gets the chance."

  Joel stills at Matthew's words and raises his head slow. "I'd... I don't want either if I'm honest," and this time Matthew's really laughing, dropping his hands from Joel's sides to raise them up and cup his face and pulling him in for a reassuring kiss.

  "Believe me. I don't want that either. Either one of those things. And besides," he adds, kissing Joel a little more insistently, "I don't... I don't feel anything for Sarah, not like that. Or for any woman, really, not anymore. I don't look, you know? I mean I can figure out when someone's attractive, but…" and then he's shrugging, "I guess I'm not really interested in women right now. I... honestly I don't think I have been for a long time. Not since I admitted the way I am."

  Matthew fights against misinterpreting the look of relief on Joel's face, choosing instead to believe it's only because he's pleased their experiment isn't about to be interrupted. But Joel chooses then to kiss him hard and dirty and with a grind against him that's pure sinful, and pretty much all thoughts are pushed from Matthew's mind altogether.

  "Come over tomorrow," Joel murmurs into his ear before mouthing at his earlobe and kissing his way down Matthew's neck. "I've... I need to go out in the morning so, I'll message you when I'm back. Probably early afternoon." Matthew nods, angles his head for another kiss and fights against the urge to ask him what he's doing.

  Another quick kiss and Matthew pulls back from him, gives a nod of agreement and a hint of a smile. Joel pushes back from the wall he's been pressed up against all this time and gives a long look of intent up and down Matthew before offering up a wink and mumbling a quiet goodnight. Matthew watches as he lets himself into his apartment building, shoves his hands in his pockets and spins on the spot, heading for home. There's a strange feeling he's got no name for coursing through him, and when he gets himself to bed sleep doesn't come for hours.

  *~*~*

  Matthew's enveloped in a hug that's warm and welcoming when he arrives at Joel's the following afternoon. Joel mutters into his shoulder about a houseful of family and a full stomach leaving him sleepy before nuzzling against him and dropping a kiss on his cheek.

  "I'm sorry... I'm kind of not ready yet," Joel says, lacing their fingers together and tugging him into the kitchen. Matthew grins, leans back against the counter as Joel pours him a coffee and hums when Joel steps in for a brief kiss on the way to the fridge. "If you give me a little time—"

  "No hurry," Matthew tells him easily, grabbing for his hand again as he passes. Joel turns to him immediately, the milk carton abandoned to the counter as he crowds up against Matthew to nudge his top lip between Matthew's own and tilting it up, forcing his mouth open for him to slide his tongue into. For someone who's apparently full and sleepy, Joel doesn't appear to be holding back entirely. Matthew smiles into the kiss as Joel rolls his hips against him, gripping his fingers around his waist to keep him in place.

  They pull away from one another long enough for Joel to finish making their coffees then walk over and sink down on the sofa. Curled into each other they talk easily, interrupting their words with occasional kisses, and once the coffee's finished they tuck in a little closer until Matthew's half-straddling Joel's lap.

  "Not gonna go off me if I keep you waiting?" Joel asks with a wide press of his palms that he slides down both thighs. Matthew responds with a slide of a tongue and a firm thumb pressed against his length through his jeans, giving a slight shake of his head.

  "Lucky for you, I've got infinite patience. 'Specially when I know what's waiting for me," he adds with an intentionally longer press of his thumb that forces out an approving hum from Joel's lips. But all that happens for the next hour or so is that they doze lazily on the sofa in between soft kisses and talking. And when Joel finally announces he's feeling awake again he leads Matthew to his bedroom, undresses him with kisses for every revealed patch of skin, then presses him on to his back, languidly grinding between his legs until they both come.

  When Matthew gets back to his apartment not long before midnight he goes straight to bed. And when he thinks back on their lazy day spent on Joel's sofa and in his bed where they've done little but kiss and gently explore each other, he doesn't feel cheated out of anything, not one bit. Instead, if anything, he feels kind of cherished and warm, sort of centred. It's a good feeling to fall asleep to, he thinks, curling up beneath his duvet with a smile on his lips seconds before he drops off.

  *~*~*

  "So what are you planning on doing with your Masters when you've finished?" Joel asks Matthew whilst kissing his chest, fingertips pressed there to feel the thrumming of his heart beneath his skin.

  It's a rainy Sunday evening and they are curled up in Matthew's bed, sleepy from everything they've been doing with each other and shielded beneath the warmth of their duvet against the miserable weather outside.

  Matthew hums, wrapping his arms around Joel's back and squeezing a little as he nods to himself, trying to come up with an answer that's not quite as vague as what he's really thinking. He decides he can't, squeezes a little tighter and raises himself up enough to kiss the top of Joel's head. "Honestly haven't thought about it in any kind of detail. I mean I could... in theory I could stay where I am. But I doubt they'll let me go full-time again—at least, they won't pay me a full-time salary even when I'll be overqualified for what I'm doing."

  Joel hums, pressing another kiss into Matthew's skin. "Thought about working for yourself?"

  "Maybe," Matthew shrugs, then stretches and ends up smiling to himself at his idle appreciation of the feeling of Joel's skin against his. "There's a few really good accountancy firms here that I'd be lucky to get into. One really good one I did some work experience with when I was still an undergrad. I don't know; maybe if I get a bit of experience with one of them then I can think about working for myself somewhere down the line." Joel smiles against Matthew again, hands slipping slow down his sides then pressing into the bed as he levers himself up, hovering over Matthew to lean in for a kiss.

  "All those sharp suits," Joel whispers against his lips, eyes glinting with intent as he stirs his hips over Matthew's. "Sharp, tailor-made suits fitting you everywhere." Joel lowers himself back down Matthew, nuzzling and nipping his way until he's resting his chin on his stomach and looking up at him with a wink.

  "You like the idea of me in a suit?" Matthew grins, running his hands over Joel's shoulders and parting his legs a little, heart thudding when Joel wriggles in the gap there and falls in between.

  "You're joking, right? Do you know how many times I've been tempted to find an excuse to be here in the morning so I can watch you getting ready for work?"

  Matthew's heart skips and his cock stirs, which Joel definitely must have felt judging from the way he looks down then smirks up at him wickedly. "No one's stopping you doing that, you know," he says, keeping it light and hoping Joel won't hear the want that underwrites his words. Because if Joel's there in the morning to watch him dress, that means they've spent the night together, sharing the same bed. And that's something that Matthew really, really wants to happen. Even if he's denying it to himself as often as he's imagining what it would be like.

  "Your boss might," Joel disagrees, oblivious, kissing his way back up Matthew's chest to kiss him on the mouth again, "because I think watching you get dressed in one of those suits of yours would just make me want to undress you all over again. You'd never get to leave this bed."

  "Why would I want to get out of bed if you're sharing it with me?" Matthew count
ers and it seems to be exactly the right thing to say. Joel laughs and bends to kiss him then drops his head down into the crook of Matthew's neck and sighs there. He tucks himself into Matthew's arms clearly content and arching when Matthew strokes his hands down his back.

  The rest of Sunday disappears beneath that duvet in a flurry of kisses and exploring lips and fingers, and when Joel goes home much, much later, Matthew can't help looking longingly at the empty side of his bed wishing he was still there.

  *~*~*

  "What happened?"

  Matthew opens his door and tries not to acknowledge just how relieved he feels to see Joel there on the other side. Joel steps in and kisses him without waiting for him to answer, one hand behind him briefly to close the door then wrapping it around Matthew's waist to join the other one already there.

  "What happened?" Joel repeats again as he lifts his hands back up to cup Matthew's face and leans back a little to look at him, his expression full of concern. Matthew sighs deep and drops his forehead against Joel's for a moment before letting it slide down to rest on Joel's shoulder.

  "Just a run-in with my dad. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have messaged—"

  "Hey," Joel interrupts with a kiss to the side of his head, wrapping his arms tight around him in reassurance. "it's no problem—"

  "I normally put Sarah through this when they get to me," Matthew mumbles into his shirt feeling so stupid, yet so comforted to know Joel has essentially dropped everything to come to him without any hesitation. He knows it's selfish but he really likes the thought that he would do that for him.

  "Honestly, I don't mind. She's working late, isn't she?" Joel asks, continuing to drop kisses to the side of Matthew's head until he's calmed enough to be able to look up at him with an embarrassed look on his face.