Whatever Comes First

by M. K. Lee

  "Yeah, she's got some training. But—"

  "Tell me what happened," Joel prompts gently, arms around Matthew's waist and ducking to eye level until Matthew's sighing again then tipping his head in the direction of the sofa, collapsing there beside him.

  "The abridged version: my brother Mark—engineer extraordinaire and all-round good guy—just proposed to his girlfriend, and she accepted. My—our parents have realised, finally, that Mark's not coming home. He lives in Berlin, Margot's from Berlin, why would he want to leave there, you know?"

  "Berlin is beautiful," Joel agrees with an easy smile, threading his fingers through Matthew's and waiting patiently for him to continue.

  "It is," Matthew agrees, some favourite memories coming back to him of his time there, "I did a year out after my Bachelors. I spent the last two months of it in Germany with Mark. Berlin's got to be my favourite city there."

  "I went for Oktoberfest a few years ago with a couple of friends; we made a week of it. Really good place," Joel smiles, leaning in and kissing him, leaving Matthew helpless but to grin back. "Sorry. Carry on."

  "It's fine. Anyway," Matthew says, leaning in and kissing Joel himself, "I told my parents I was... I was bisexual last year, and when I told them they didn't say much of anything. Like... they didn't make a fuss, or ask questions, or anything. So I thought they were fine with it."

  "Uh oh," Joel winces as though he knows what's coming.

  "And then Dad started calling me out of the blue and asking me a ton of questions. Dropping heavy hints about single girls back home that I knew. Started referring to my situation as a phase, about... about how they haven't told their friends about me being like that—because he can't bring himself to even say the word bisexual out loud—in case I change my mind. Like he's doing me a favour, when it's more like he's embarrassed, doesn't want anyone to know." Matthew tries to keep his tone light and jokey but something must be in it because Joel pulls him in to a hug and sighs into his neck.

  "That's the worst. I'm... I'm sorry, Matthew."

  "It's okay," Matthew sighs when he pulls back, when it really isn't—but what can he do about it? He plays with Joel's fingers down in his lap for a few seconds, not sure what to say next. Joel clears his throat making Matthew look up to see an uncertain look on his face.

  "I've been... I've been so lucky with my own family I sometimes... it's easy to forget other people's parents aren't so understanding," he says, lifting his arm to wrap it around Matthew's shoulders and encouraging him to lean against him.

  "When did you tell them? That you were gay?" Matthew asks. He and Joel talk about so many things when they're together but for some reason this is the first time he's even thought to ask the question.

  "When I was seventeen. I'd just started college and they'd taken me out for dinner for my birthday—September twenty-eighth in case you're interested," Joel adds, kissing it into the top of his head and squeezing around his arm. "And I just... we were in the middle of this Indian restaurant with so much food my stomach hurts just remembering it. My sister asked me if I thought the waitress was pretty and I said, sure, but the waiter guy's even prettier."

  Matthew turns a little to take in the smile on Joel's face as he speaks and bursts out laughing. "Seriously? Just like that?"

  "Yeah," Joel agrees, wincing slightly but then shrugging his free shoulder. "My mum turned around, looked the poor guy up and down and announced out loud that he was far too old for me—he was probably around twenty-three—and said what about that nice boy who works part-time down at the leisure centre?"

  "She didn't?" Matthew groans in sympathy, though still laughing.

  "I promise you, she did. Dad just sat there for a second then rolled his eyes and offered me a poppadom. Told me not to fret about Mum trying to set me up with the first boy she likes the look of and to knuckle down and study first. And try the mango chutney, Joel, it's better than that stuff your mum buys. Dad's a complete foodie," Joel adds as an aside as though it's an important point.

  Matthew is so entertained by Joel's story that he forgets momentarily why he was so miserable in the first place. They spend a few minutes discussing how their siblings were both equally accepting of them, and how Joel's sister Donna got herself banned from a local bakery for starting an argument with a customer about their homophobic language.

  "She's only tiny but apparently she had this old battleaxe—her words, not mine—pinned up against the cream cake counter," Joel adds, grinning to himself and shaking his head, and Matthew's helpless with laughter all over again.

  "Well. I can't say Mark's ever done anything quite, uh, quite so dramatic," Matthew tells him, squeezing his hand, "but when I told him—Skyped from my old bedroom in my parent's house whilst they sat downstairs acting as though they didn't care either way—or perhaps refusing to believe it—he just shrugged, said he'd heard there was a great gay scene in Berlin and when I next came to visit he'd find out more about it so we could go together and check it out."

  "Mark sounds like a decent guy," Joel smiles, nudging a little closer to Matthew.

  "He is," Matthew agrees, easy because it's true, "I mean he did send my next birthday present in a box full of penis-shaped rainbow glitter, because he's an asshole. But yeah, he's a good guy."

  "And he's getting married," Joel adds, smiling warmly at him as he brings the conversation back to the beginning. Matthew sighs, drops his head down on Joel's shoulder again and closes his eyes, indulging in being in Joel's warmth without overthinking it for once.

  "He is. He's already asked me to be best man."

  "Aww, that's great," Joel is enthusiastic in his response and snuggles in a little closer to him.

  "It is. It really is. It's just, my parents seem... Mark getting engaged seems to have set off some kind of Grandparental biological clock. They've... they've realised Mark's not coming back here and if there's any future grandkids, well. They'll have to go to Germany to see them. So Dad rang today and all but ordered me to do my duty and stop fooling around."

  "Oh, Matt."

  "And Mum won't talk about it with me directly, but I could hear her wittering in the background passing comments throughout the whole conversation."

  "That's... that's pretty awful," Joel says, quiet and understanding.

  "Yeah," Matthew echoes and closes his eyes, leaning in to Joel a little more. "I mean I don't know how much I'm projecting here or just... filling in the blanks because I'm upset by it all but, it sounded a lot like he—they were saying I wouldn't really be welcome back home if I didn't change my ways."

  Joel's reaction is instant. He turns fully into Matthew and all but gathers him up in his lap, mumbling reassurances into his neck as Matthew sags into him. They remain curled around each other for another couple of hours talking, comparing their travel experiences and debating if their brother and sister would get along if they ever met, and what Sarah's reaction might be to Matthew's parents. Throughout it all there is constant contact and frequent kisses, and by the time Joel finally leaves Matthew feels both better and worse. Better about the behaviour of his parents but worse about just how hard it's getting to hide these deepening feelings he has for Joel.

  Chapter Seven

  Joel arrives at Matthew's apartment early one mid-week evening looking forlorn and bedraggled, which Matthew does his best not to find endearing and drags him in, grimacing at the wetness of his sleeve. "It's still raining," Joel mumbles in pure dejection. Matthew makes a clucking sound of sympathy and helps him wrangle himself out of his soaked jacket.

  "Entrance to the uni's one big puddle," Matthew agrees as he grabs Joel's hand and pulls on it. "I'm glad I was only there a couple of hours this afternoon: the lecture hall's got a leak, there's buckets down half the corridors. Remind me why my Masters is costing so much again? Like... where's the money for it going?"

  "Cosy offices for the lecturers? Biscuits?" Joel suggests, squeezing his fingers back when they're halfway down the hall. "Uh... what are you doin
g?"

  "You're freezing," Matthew explains as he nudges him into the bathroom and disappears for a second, coming back with a couple of towels. "You're also drenched through. What did you do, move your lab outdoors today or what?" Then he's unbuttoning Joel's shirt and helping him fight his way out of that as well, nodding at him to continue as he turns away from him to start up the shower.

  "Get in. Are these things machine washable? I've got a got a couple of things to wash and since these are all dark they can go in with mine if you want?" Matthew's already balled up the soaked clothes in his hands and nods again towards the shower when Joel doesn't move. "What are you waiting for?" he asks when Joel looks back at him dumbfounded.

  "Nothing," Joel stutters out a moment later, looking between the clothes and Matthew's face before turning and climbing over the bath and under the spray, letting out an appreciative oh the second the warm water hits his skin. "And yeah—they are machine washable—you sure you don't mind?"

  "Already doing washing," Matthew shrugs easily, "But you can take them home and iron them yourself. I can lend you something to go back in," he turns away again, hears the shower curtain closing behind him and nods to himself, hoping the heat of the water will help.

  "Thanks, Matt," he hears over the spray, and it's a sigh of relief, a shuffle into warmth he enjoyed himself earlier the moment he was through the door.

  "No problem. Dinner'll probably be ready by the time you're out. I'll leave you something to wear on the toilet seat, okay?" Ignoring just how domestic he's feeling, Matthew walks out of the bathroom to start a load of washing then comes back with something for Joel to wear, smiling to himself at his offbeat humming and eyeing his silhouette through the curtain with a dirtier grin.

  Warm hands wrap around his middle a while later as he's at the stove giving a final stir of the pan of sauce he's got cooking there. He turns and is presented with a kiss. He slides his hands over the back of the long-sleeved shirt he's lent Joel and straight down the back of the joggers, smiling as he kneads his ass.

  "Best thing about these things?" he mumbles into Joel's lips, hands skimming up and pinging a finger in the waistband before his hand's diving down the front. "Too big. Means I can get my hands on you even quicker, especially as I didn't think you'd be bothered about underwear while you're here," Joel's head drops to his shoulder with a soft huff as Matthew tugs along his swelling length a couple of times then tucks him back in, turning around again with a teasing wink and grabbing up the pan.

  "That... that sounds like you've got plans for me," Joel says a little later as though it's taken him a while for his brain to form the words. "Besides the feeding and looking after me, that is."

  Matthew winces at Joel's remark as he puts the pan down on the waiting mat on the table. It's only pasta, a really quick meal he thought would be good for them both after a horrible wet, grey kind of day, that wouldn't take much effort or time and would leave them undistracted. The shower and washing are also only little gestures. He doesn't want Joel to think he's coddling him or even trying to force an intimacy on this thing between them that's more along the spectrum to affection than it is to sex. Not if it's not what Joel wants, he tells himself, turning cautiously and wondering what reaction to expect from him.

  What he receives is a warm hug, a nose into his neck that feels like it's breathing him in, followed by lips that kiss their way up his neck to his mouth with a curve of a smile and a nuzzle against him. "Thank you," Joel whispers, his eyes warm and affectionate when he pulls back, and so very grateful Matthew's full of relief that he's not come across as being too much. "Thank you for taking care of me. This is... it's really—I appreciate it."

  Dinner is easy and Joel's gratefulness just continues, reaching across the table to grab Matthew's hand, or beneath it to squeeze his leg, the entire time smiling at him as he tells him how good the pasta tastes. Joel insists on doing the dishes, and since Matthew's had thoughts of getting his hands on Joel since he woke up this morning, he's unable to resist standing behind him. He puts his hands in the borrowed joggers and wraps them around Joel's cock before sneaking his hands up under his shirt over the expanse of his chest, pinching at his nipples.

  "Got me at a disadvantage like this," Joel tells him, sounding pleased about it as he pushes back against him. "Not got my hands free." Matthew takes that as an invitation and yanks down the joggers to mid-thigh, kneading at his ass appreciatively all over again. When he's had his fill of that he slides his hands around Joel's hips; one dips to cup his balls as the other tugs and pulls on his cock.

  Matthew's already hard at the thought of being able to touch Joel without him touching back. He stores that idea up for later along with what feels like a hundred other things he's got on his fantasy list for sharing with him and unbuttons and unzips himself, pulling his cock out and giving it a firm stroke while letting out a low hum.

  "What're you doing back there?" Joel says, his voice already lower with arousal. Matthew nudges his feet apart so he's stumbling forwards a little and pulls Joel's ass cheeks open, saying nothing. Matthew's humming the second his length is between Joel's cheeks, mouthing over his neck and giving short thrusts. Then he's angling Joel a little more and bluntly pressing his cock head against his hole, humming a little louder as he watches Joel writhe against it.

  Joel's hands grip hard around the edge of the sink and his head drops forward, letting out a needy moan with every little thrust Matthew's giving him. Matthew bends him a little more and tilts his face back to look, watching with arousal curling in his gut as he presses a little harder and the tip of his cock dips into him.

  "Fuck me," Matthew hears and his brain shorts out. It takes Joel rocking back against him for Matthew to be able to unscrew his eyes. "Fuck me. I want you to. I need it," Joel tells him, the urgency in his voice making Matthew's cock jerk.

  "Can I?" Matthew asks, breathless, suddenly so hard it feels wrong not to already be sliding into Joel where he's stood. "Is... is that okay?" his hands slip around Joel once more, one already giving a firm, gripped stroke of his cock and the other splayed wide over his stomach.

  "Yeah," Joel responds with, and it's barely a full word, just a breathy blast of air that seems so full of need that Matthew has to drop his forehead down on Joel's shoulder for a moment, just to pause for how much he wants him, and remind himself to take a breath. With difficulty Matthew pulls his hands away, sliding them instead up Joel's sides under his shirt, following that with kisses up the length of his exposed back. He gives a slight pull around his waist before stepping back, pulling up the joggers so Joel won't trip over them on the way to the bedroom then takes his hand, squeezes it tight, and pulls him along.

  Desperate to take Joel up on his suggestion, the second they're in the bedroom Matthew's pulling at his clothes and has him naked and standing before him in a matter of seconds. Joel swallows a little thickly as Matthew's eyes flit all over him, lingering over his erect cock and licking his lips.

  "I want all of you," Matthew breathes out, falling to his knees and taking Joel into his mouth. Joel's hands are shaking as he cups Matthew's face to hold it steady as he runs his fingers through the back of his hair with a choked plea for him to stand up.

  Joel has Matthew's t-shirt off immediately and his trembling fingers paw at his jeans until Matthew bats his hands away and strips himself. They climb on to the bed and reach for each other. There's a flurry of sliding tongues from gasping mouths, knees raised and parted to allow fingers better access. Side by side they grip each other's cocks, kissing when they're not moaning out encouragement, hips twitching to fuck into hands, chests bumping together and legs wrapped around waists, both so frantic it takes a good few minutes for them to calm enough to think rationally, to do what's necessary to move this along.

  "We... do we do this with condoms or without?" Matthew asks. The look on Joel's face is practically enough to make him come just for seeing the want written there. "I mean... we're... we're clean. Right? But—"
<
br />   "But maybe since we're... we should... we should," Joel says in a babble. "Just want you inside me. Fuck, I need you inside me," he pleads, leaning up to claim a kiss that's underwritten by a desperate whimper as he rolls over on to his back and pulls Matthew between his legs. "I don't... I can't... I can't wait. Please."

  With his heart hammering away hard in his chest Matthew kneels a little more comfortably and leans over him, reaching in the drawer beside the bed and pulling out the lube to drop it beside Joel's hip, then rips a condom off the strip and shoves the remaining ones back in. Joel pleads again and Matthew's helpless for hearing it. A shaky snatch up of the lube and he's pouring probably too much over his fingers in his haste.

  Joel watches and once Matthew's flexed his fingers a couple of times to warm the lube, Joel angles his legs wide then lifts them, grabbing himself behind his knees so he's even wider and fully exposed to him. Matthew lets out a whimper at the sight, bends to press a kiss to his cock, and balls, and hole. Joel jerks and lets out a desperate wail as he does that, rapidly shaking his head.

  "Please," he begs again, "If you do that I—please, Matt," Matthew drops his head to rest against Joel's leg with a groan but then straightens up with intent. Joel's already got himself stretched wide open so it's easy to press his fingertip into his hole and watch as it's swallowed up, keeping up the slide of it until it's right inside up to his knuckle. Joel shudders, flares his hips, asks for more, and Matthew watches the slide of his finger into him as he repeatedly pushes it in, dropping a kiss on Joel's inner thigh before he presses in a second.

  Joel lets out a whine, his hips jerking uncontrollably as he tries to chase the press of those fingers inside him. Matthew pumps them in and out harder with each thrust, giving the occasional scissor that has Joel whimpering, watching the way his hole stretches slick and red around his fingers as it opens up ready for him to slide into. The very thought has Matthew groaning. Joel encourages him on with obscene praise that goes straight to his cock.