Whatever Comes First

by M. K. Lee

  "Here's what we're gonna do," Joel says, and it's surprising how quickly his voice has morphed from wicked to gentle and reassuring, soft kisses all over Matthew's face in an attempt to help him calm. "Tonight, I'm gonna open you up a little more. We're gonna get that dildo into you and stretch you all the way in, make you nice and loose. And tomorrow when I fuck you it'll be that little bit easier. It's still going to feel amazing, I'll make sure of that. But Matt—I'm not... I promise not to hurt you. I'll never do that. Okay?"

  And now Matthew's really trembling, surprised at himself, surprised at his reaction, surprised he's actually this nervous about this. For all they've been doing together over this past couple of months, for all he wants to feel Joel filling him up, he is nervous. He wonders why he's never allowed himself to acknowledge the thought before, to sound it out with him.

  "Hey," Joel says, cupping his hand around Matthew's jaw and kissing him sweetly. "It's... it's your first time doing this. It's okay to be overthinking it, to... to wonder what it's going to be like. First time I let a guy fuck me, I was a wreck. Got myself so drunk leading up to it I'm surprised I wasn't sick."

  "What was it like?" Matthew says, his voice quiet and small. Joel nods, kissing him again.

  "It feels good," Joel answers with a sharp nod, "it feels really good. But that doesn't mean until you get used to it it's not going to maybe hurt a little," Matthew nods himself, curling up into him a little tighter.

  "Is... is it like it feels with... with fingers? Or a dildo? Or even a vibrator?" He asks, knowing how uncertain he sounds.

  "How does that feel?" Joel whispers to him, leaning in for another soft kiss.

  "Good," Matthew laughs, starting to relax "so good. But it's like... it's a stretch. And that stretch it's like... that hurts... it aches. But that kind of ache that feels good, and it just... if you give it a minute or two it's not pain at all, and just feels... so... so good..."

  "Then yes," Joel tells him with a smile, wriggling against him, "it feels like that, but like, wider. Deeper. Stretched open, sometimes so full like you might split. And it's that same feeling, that stretched hot kind of ache that the first time you feel it you want to pull away from and curl up in a ball because of it, but if you wait it out it just kind of melts you inside."

  Matthew nods repeatedly, more to himself than to Joel. "I want you to fuck me, Joel. I do: I've—I've been thinking about it so, so much."

  "Believe me," Joel says, grinning at him, "I really, really, really can't wait to fuck you. I'm kind of... I'm kind of honoured that you'd even let me really, with this being the first time you've had anyone do that to you. It's... it's kind of a big deal."

  Matthew raises his hands to cup Joel's face, kissing him softly. "I wouldn't want to be doing this with anyone else," he tells him, honest and sincere, not able to hold back from the truth of it and barely stopping himself from saying things that might sound more affectionate and needy than he's allowing himself to admit he's feeling. Joel closes his eyes, pulls him in tighter, kisses him with a soft moan that floods warmth through him.

  "This is the point where I'm supposed to tell you I'll make it good for you, right?" Joel tells him in a teasing tone that leaves Matthew grinning.

  Matthew grins, blurting out, "you always make it good for me," and his eyes flare wide at the words, holding his breath. Joel smiles, pleased, leaning in to kiss him again as he slides a hand from Matthew's knee, along his thigh, cradling it around his hip.

  "You always feel good to me," Joel whispers to him, nuzzling against his cheek and then wrapping his arms fully around him, sighing out with contentment into their hug that shifts to mouthing over necks and more kisses. It's so strange, Matthew thinks, how quickly and easily they go back and forth between the filthiest of things they do with each other and then things like this.

  A little later and Joel's squeezing him tighter, mouthing up his neck and then snorting a peal of laughter into his ear before kissing there in a sort of apology. "You are so easy to rile up," he says, humming almost to himself as he keeps mouthing along Matthew's neck and down his shoulder. "So easy. I only have to tell you what I'm thinking about doing to you and you're hard." Matthew can't deny that, not that he'd want to, and not with the way his cock's already jolting between their chests in renewed interest.

  "Tell me something you want me to do to you," Joel mumbles into his ear, grinning and pulling back enough to wrap his hand around Matthew's cock and to give it an idle tug. Matthew jolts hard, feeling the way his shaft bumps against Joel's palm as he does. He looks up to see Joel grinning and can't do anything but answer it.

  "I... I like everything you do to me," Matthew tells him with a shrug. "Besides... aren't you the one planning on fucking me senseless in the morning?"

  Joel laughs, rich and warm, continuing that gentle stroke of him. "Oh, I see. You've decided it's going to be the morning when I fuck you, huh? Can't wait any longer than when we've cracked our eyes open first thing?"

  "No," Matthew tells him, honest and simple, giving his hips the tiniest of rolls to fuck up into Joel's waiting fist. "No, I can't."

  "Well, considering you're letting me fuck you," Joel says in that reasonable tone of his that predictably has Matthew's cock jolting all over again, "I think it's kind of my duty to do something to you tonight that you really want doing. Though if you want to suck on my cock for a bit first I'm more than up for that. See?"

  Matthew looks down at Joel's cock, the head glistening with a leak of precum, and he does indeed see how hard he is. With a rapid press of his chest firmly against Joel's, Matthew is pulling back from him, sliding to his knees between Joel's legs and pushing on his thighs until they part. He wraps his hands around Joel's waist and pulls until he's slipping down the sofa and opening himself a little wider. Matthew bends and mouths over him from base to tip, then ducks a little further still, and takes each of his balls into his mouth in turn, humming around them and digging his fingers into Joel's thighs as he jolts and gasps.

  "I want you to do this to me after," he says to Joel and a second later quickly pulls apart his cheeks and licks a swipe over his hole. Joel's almost up off the cushions with the whine and shudder that follows. Matthew hums to himself, uses his thumbs to pull against his hole a little more and presses the tip of his tongue in, holding still, letting Joel writhe against it. "I really, really, really liked that," he tells him then, smiling up at him.

  "I know," Joel chokes out as Matthew presses his tongue hard against his rim once more then slides his hands up his thighs and leans, swallowing him down. Matthew gives a stretched smile around his shaft and hums, smiling harder at the groan Joel gives, then raises to lap his tongue over his head before sliding down again in one long mouthful.

  Matthew drags his lips along the length of Joel, loving the way it stretches his mouth wide, loving even more the way it makes Joel whimper and gasp. He feels so good, having this very real expression of just how much Joel's enjoying what he's doing to him. A swirl of his tongue, a hard jolting suck, and Joel's oh echoes out into the room.

  Joel's hand cups the back of Matthew's head for a minute and guides the speed. Then he's tapping Matthew's hand on his thigh and telling him to stop: Joel keeps his other hand cradling his head but doesn't move it. Matthew rewards him with another hard suck then shifts to brace his hands flat against the cushions and shift so that Joel can rock his hips and fuck up into his mouth.

  The noises Joel makes with that first thrust have Matthew leaking. He closes his eyes, concentrates on the warm length passing through his lips and sliding over his tongue. Joel's whimpering and letting out a string of ohs. Matthew can feel the tension in his thighs from where Joel's forcing himself not to go too hard.

  Another thrust and Matthew's stopping him with a grip of his hands around Joel's thighs. And then he's humming, bobbing up and down and licking and sucking in all the ways he knows Joel likes, firmer and faster and noisier, until Joel's incoherent and twitching beneath him. One more hum and Jo
el's coming. Matthew presses hard against his thighs to stop him from arching or trying to pull out of his mouth. A second later and Joel curls in on himself with a groan, his fingers stroking gratefully over and over the back of Matthew's head, breathing out wrecked.

  Still taking his time, Matthew presses his lips hard around Joel's base, dragging his way off of him. Then he's pressing against Joel's thighs to help himself up, bending for a kiss that involves shoving his tongue in Joel's mouth so he can taste himself there then sitting down beside him and passing their glasses of wine for them to finish off with a smug side look at Joel that earns him a half-assed shove to his arm.

  "How about," Joel says, and already Matthew's cock is straining in anticipation. Joel looks down at it and laughs, leaning in to kiss him. "How about we go to bed. I get my tongue in you, then my fingers, get you nice and wide. And then I'm gonna slide that dildo in and pump it till you're whimpering like you normally do. And then, while your ass is still full of it, I'm gonna suck you off. How's that sound?"

  A choked gasp punches out of Matthew. Joel looks down at his cock again and grins, bending to lick over his head. "Let's get you to bed," he says, standing and holding out his hand to pull Matthew up. And a lot, lot later, when Matthew is breathless and sated and unable to say anything that's beyond single syllables, Joel nudges and rolls him until he's comfortable, spoons up behind him, and holds Matthew until he falls asleep in his arms.

  Chapter Nine

  When Matthew wakes, it's to the feeling of being held, Joel's breath tickling his hair and his hand splayed wide over his stomach. Matthew allows himself to appreciate the moment and notes the solidness of Joel's body against him, the ease with which they've fallen asleep together like that, and how comfortable he is. He thinks back on all of the turmoil that was yesterday and closes his eyes to it, knows he couldn't be cold and indifferent about Joel and make this thing between them just about sex even if he tried now.

  Sex though, he thinks, shifting a fraction and feeling a hardness pressing into him, is very much on the table. And definitely something that he's wanting despite his brief freak out last night. Matthew stirs again and feels his own cock already a little swollen. He can't resist sliding his hand down to give himself a quick stroke over.

  "Starting without me?" Joel mumbles into his hair, his voice scratchy and rough with sleep. Matthew smiles at the kiss he feels pressed to the back of his head and goes to remove his fingers. Joel shakes his head against him, rolls his hips a touch, and begins open mouth kisses over his neck. "Don't stop."

  Encouraged, Matthew makes his grip a little firmer. He takes a long slide up and twists a little on his head before sliding back down. Joel pulls the duvet back and raises himself up so he can lean his chin over Matthew's shoulder and watch. Matthew continues stroking himself harder, letting sleepy moans fall from his lips. Those moans get louder at the feel of Joel reaching to part his cheeks and slide his cock between them. A firm nudge against his hole leaves them both groaning and Joel quickly reaching around to stop Matthew stroking, pressing a kiss against his shoulder as he sits himself upright.

  "Let's go shower," Joel says, nudging against his hip as he stands up. Matthew's immediately wondering how much of it is a ploy to get him soaped up and slippery, and how much is intended to help him relax, but either way Joel's hands and mouth all over him under the spray of the shower are nothing but worshipful. Matthew has little space to think, and when he does he's struck by this kind of attention from Joel being the very reason he's having trouble separating sex from things he's come to associate with an ideal relationship. Not that he's convinced he's ever had one of those to make a fair comparison with, he thinks then, and wipes the thought from his mind, instead concentrating on the feel of Joel's mouth hot against his skin.

  "Can I take you back to bed?" Joel whispers anxiously into his ear once they've dried each other off and brushed their teeth. Matthew swallows, thick and uncomfortable, but nods anyway. Joel slots their hands together and gives him a smile, leading him out.

  The kiss they share next to the bed is full of anticipation. They're pressed flush against one another with their arms wrapped tightly around each other's backs. When Joel pulls back from him and grips lightly around his hips, his gaze is loaded. "I want you, so much," he tells Matthew, quiet and trembling, closing his eyes when Matthew leans in to kiss him. Matthew's heart is pounding and his throat clicks when he swallows but he nods his head, leaves himself pliant in Joel's arms as he spins him around and guides him on to the bed.

  Matthew's on his back, and Joel's hands are everywhere, exploring every inch of him and following trailing fingers with kisses until Matthew's convinced his skin is humming. Joel crawls between his legs and lines their cocks up together, giving languid rolls of his hips that punch moans out of the both of them. "You're going to let me fuck you," he blasts out without warning, his voice full of such want, such disbelief that it's almost comical to hear. The urge to laugh leaves Matthew altogether as Joel begins kissing down his neck and then replaces lips with teeth that nip and nibble leaving what he's convinced is the occasional bruise.

  Joel gets up on his knees and gives Matthew's cock a quick stroke over. He shifts to the side and grabs for the lube and a condom from the bedside drawer. He's kneeling tall, so Matthew reaches out to wrap his hand around his cock and stroke him which makes Joel stutter forward, his eyes close, and his mouth fall open. He gives one thrust then wraps his hand tight around Matthew's wrist and looks down at him with a rueful smile.

  "I'm having trouble not shooting my load at just the thought of being inside you," he says, laughter underwriting his words. So Matthew lets go, slides his hand down his thigh instead, and angles his face up to be kissed. Joel leans over him and kisses him sweetly, dropping their foreheads together for a second and then getting comfortable on his side.

  "You sure you're ready for this?" Joel asks, his lip caught hard between his teeth in clear anticipation of it being a no. But Matthew nods, sure and steady, splaying his legs open and dragging his feet until they're flat on the bed. He leans one leg against Joel to offer himself up. Joel glances down over his body, lingering longer over his hole, where Matthew's sure is clenching of its own accord with all that anticipation he feels, waiting for him.

  "Okay," Joel mutters, and Matthew knows it's to himself. Joel slicks up his fingers, and as Joel said he would be last night, Matthew's still a little loose because that first press of finger slides right into him with little resistance. Matthew hums, rocks his hips a fraction in a request for more. Two fingers and there's still a little of that burning stretch that turns and curls in him deliciously. He whimpers at the sensation of being scissored open as his rim is stretched and his inner walls pressed apart. Three fingers and he's back to that full body trembling. Joel insists on keeping that up for what feels like ages, until Matthew's incoherent, flinging his hips down, desperate to be filled.

  "On your stomach for me, honey," Joel says softly. Matthew grins at the pet name and earns himself an eye roll and a kiss to his shoulder as he turns over. "Alright, I'm gonna do this with you like this," he adds, hands running softly over Matthew's ass. "And then when I know you're doing okay I'm gonna get you up on your knees so you can move yourself. Okay?"

  "Okay," Matthew agrees, flexing himself against the bed for friction, but stills when Joel's warm palm presses on to his back.

  "Or, what might be better is if you fold your legs under you. Tuck them into your chest so I can get right behind you—and you won't... it straightens you up a little inside and the stretch of me going in won't be so, uh... it might not hurt so much."

  Matthew turns his face on the pillow and glances back at him. "That's what you did? The first time you did this?"

  "No," Joel shakes his head with a grimace, "he wasn't nearly that considerate. But you know. Live and learn. Last thing I want to do is hurt you. Maybe we can give that a try before you're up on your knees properly?"

  Matthew gives a quick n
od then shifts himself, rewarded with warm hands sliding down from his shoulders along his back, giving a quick grab of his ass before he feels Joel kneeling close behind him. The press of Joel's thighs against him has him quivering. Joel's hands are out and soothing, followed by a trail of kisses down the length of his spine.

  "Flare your hips out for me so I can see you," Joel tells him. Matthew repositions his knees a little further apart so he can arch his ass up and knows he's doing right when Joel grabs his ass again and lets out a desperate moan. "Just like that. You look.... fuck you look so good all opened up for me like this," he tells him, putting a quick dip of his finger inside him that Matthew pushes back against, then thumbs either side of his hole to pull them apart slightly.

  "Okay, gonna get ready," Joel announces, sounding like he's fighting to keep his voice steady. Matthew turns his forehead against the pillow and nods, fingers in tight curls against its edge. He listens to a condom foil being opened then hears the lube bottle click open and a soft moan as Joel slicks himself up. Matthew jolts and sucks in a breath at the suddenness of Joel draping himself over him and mouthing at his earlobe before he speaks.

  "We're doing this. Really slowly. You need me to stop, tell me. You change your mind, tell me. This is all up to you: you tell me to stop and I'll listen, okay? No matter what for. You need to be okay with this." Matthew listens to the quiet urgency in Joel's words, the way he's trying to reassure him, and can't help the warmth in his chest that isn't from his arousal. But instead he replies with a mumbled okay and shifts himself a touch more. Joel's hands are warm and steady on his hips for a moment and Matthew hears him breathing out hard, getting ready himself.