The Witchlord and the Weaponmaster

by Hugh Cook

  "What about the ring?" said the Witchlord.

  "The ring?" said Guest. "Oh, the ring!"

  The ring of ever-ice which Guest had taken from the Mutilator was still on his finger. But the knife -

  There was no sign of the Mutilator's knife. After thinking about it, Witchlord and Weaponmaster realized that Guest must have lost it in the inner courtyard of the Temple of Blood when grappling with the saliva-spitting cornucopia. Guest counted this a sore loss. Still, better to lose such a knife than suffer the loss of the entire world to a great Flood of his father's digesting spittle.Guest said exactly that to Plandruk Qinplaqus when that wizard put in his appearance, and suggested that the cornucopia might make a potent weapon.

  "For," said Guest, "were we to threaten to digest the whole world with spittle, or, better still, with hot acids taken direct from the stomach itself, might we not compel the whole world to obedience to our power?"

  "One suspects," said Plandruk Qinplaqus, "that the world is larger than has been computed by your mathematics. One would take longer than a lifetime to flood the world, even with such a thing as a cornucopia. Besides, there may be a limit to its production.

  And, further, just as there exists something which can produce, so too may there be something which can swallow."

  As the wizard was thus denting Guest's pretensions to Power, Thayer Levant arrived, expecting to be overwhelmed by the Weaponmaster's gratitude. For, in obedience to his master, Levant had ventured all the way from Untunchilamon to Dalar ken Halvar - in the face of hardship, danger and difficulty - and had brought both the wishstone and the mazadath safely to the palace of Na Sashimoko.

  "Now that we are all here," said Plandruk Qinplaqus, who took more cognisance of Levant's arrival than did Witchlord and Weaponmaster, "let us turn to the problem which confronts us."

  "Yes," said Guest, "Penelope."

  "Penelope?" said his father.

  "My wife!" said Guest. "She's missing!"

  "Your wife?" said his father.

  "Yes, wife, wife," said Guest. "We were married, in love, we were - "

  "In love?" said Lord Onosh. "I think it lust."

  But the Witchlord was wrong. Guest Gulkan's concern for

  Penelope's whereabouts was no mere matter of lust. After the rigors of his journeys, his imprisonments, his battles and his knife-edge struggles, the young Weaponmaster was not feeling particularly lustful. Rather, he was feeling lonely, isolated, and nostalgic for the past.

  Penelope was very much a part of the Weaponmaster's past, for she had comforted him over four long years of convalescence. She had been his woman when he had been scarcely a man, having no arms and no legs. He had plans for her, plans which involved a proper life - family, home, security, stability, and an end to this mad and maddening wandering.

  Hence Guest was very much concerned to find out where

  Penelope was, and what had happened to her. But Plandruk Qinplaqus was entirely unmoved by Guest's concerns.

  "Penelope is of no account," said Qinplaqus. "We have greater matters to worry about."

  "Yes!" said Guest, with a flash of animation. "The business of the Banks! Now that we have the x-x-zix - "

  "We're not yet ready to take on the Banks," said Qinplaqus.

  "But," protested Guest, "you said, you promised - "

  "Guest," said his father, trying to shut him up.

  "No," said Qinplaqus. "Our young friend is right to press his case. The Banks have sorely offended him, just as they have offended me."Guest was momentarily hard put to think what offence the Banks might have given Qinplaqus. Then he recalled that Banker Sod had imprisoned Qinplaqus in a time pod on Alozay, meantime fomenting revolution in Dalar ken Halvar in the hope of adding that city to his own possessions. But - what was a trifling matter of imprisonment compared to the far greater damage which Guest had suffered?

  "You acknowledge my rights," said Guest, "but I'm not sure that you acknowledge my impatience."

  "In this case," said Qinplaqus, "remedy may not lie in my province, even if acknowledgement does."

  "What are you riddling about?" said Guest.

  "Have you heard," said Qinplaqus, "of an entity known as Shabble?"

  "Shabble?" said Guest. "Why, yes, I have heard of, uh,

  Shabble. But - here? Is Shabble here, here in - in - "

  In his stumble-tongued confusion, Guest found he had temporarily mislaid the very name of the city in which he was presently stationed. An unlikely mishap, one might think! But when one travels the Doors of a Circle, one can skip continents in an instant, and it sometimes happens that the mind is left behind in one city while the body is in another.

  "No," said Qinplaqus. "Shabble is not here in Dalar ken Halvar. Shabble is on Alozay."

  And Guest almost fell from his chair with the shock of sheer surprise.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Name: Shabble.

  Place of Manufacture: Nadokov (a city on the planet Sendak

  IV, a part of the Musorian Empire).

  Occupation: High Priest of the Cult of Cockroach.

  Status: messiah.

  Description: a full-sized sun contained in its own miniature cosmos, and linked to the worlds of human action by means of a transponder the size of a fist.

  Hobbies: ventriloquism; the making of music.

  Quote: "Loneliness, loneliness, that's the worst thing. Be kind to the cockroach and you'll never be lonely, that's as firm as a promise."

  Of Shabble's genesis and of Shabble's true nature no certain account can be given. But one thing is sure. This free-floating globular pyrotechnist was intrinsically more irresponsible than a sea dragon - which is saying something! - and was potentially far more dangerous.

  Therefore, on hearing that Shabble was on Alozay - Alozay, of all places! - Guest Gulkan was much disturbed.

  "Alozay!" said Guest.

  The Witchlord Onosh then demanded to know who Shabble was - and what might this personage be doing on Alozay.

  Then Guest explained that Shabble was a playful ball he had met on Untunchilamon, a ball which could shine at will with a brightness fit to rival that of the sun itself, and which could fly. Lord Onosh, who was inclined to doubt the truthfulness of this intelligence, then demanded to know the full story of Guest's travels on Untunchilamon, of which he had heard but the barest fragments since his liberation from a time pod in Obooloo's Temple of Blood.

  "Well," said Guest, "it's, it's a long story."

  "Then suppose you hurry up and start it," said his father,

  "because the day's getting shorter by the moment."

  But Guest was reluctant to begin, for he had no idea how he could possibly go about telling the full story of his exploits on Untunchilamon. For so many things had happened on that distant tropical island, and to explicate those happenings would require the telling of a tale so tangled that Guest could not so much as sort it out in his own head.

  In truth, the Weaponmaster felt like someone who has been embroiled in a riot, and is put to the difficulty of reconstructing its events in the cold light of day for the satisfaction of a court of law. When one is placed in such a situation, it is very difficult to imagine that one ran around without any trousers, assisted in the skinning of a tax collector then proceeded to the local temple to have intimate connections with its vestal virgins.

  Just as a person put in such a predicament is hard put to know where to begin their explanations, so too was Guest beset with perplexion when his father challenged him to outline that part of his history. Indeed, the Weaponmaster's hesitation was so great that Plandruk Qinplaqus was moved to violate the norms of civilized behavior by using his powers as a wizard of Ebber to look inside Guest's mind.

  The Weaponmaster did not notice this wizardly intrusion into the intimacies of his psyche, hence did not resist it; but, despite the lack of resistance, Qinplaqus got no profit from his adventure. For Guest's mind was a moiling confusion in which images of Penelope's nakedness were entangle
d with sharks, dungeons, coral reefs, fireflies, mosquitoes, monkeys, coconuts, the claws of a crab and the shadow of a bablobrokmadorni stick, the leering teeth of Bao Gahai and (sheer randomness, this) a memory of a long-ago day on the island of Spradley Rock, which had been converted to one gigantic scrub-bath by the invasion of a horde of Yarglat barbarians.

  Only Guest himself could possibly be the equal of sorting out such a mess, so, Power having failed, Qinplaqus resorted to interrogation.

  "The salient points," said Qinplaqus "Uh, myself and the wizards," said Guest, "we ventured to Untunchilamon."

  This brief preamble served to offend Thayer Levant, who considered that he had been an equal partner in that venture, and was aggrieved at being overlooked. Of course, Levant was being unrealistic, for a man does not say "I and my servant went venturing" any more than he says "I and my walking stick went venturing" - but his hurt was genuine, even if it was totally unreasonable.

  "So," said Qinplaqus, "what did you find on Untunchilamon?"

  "A therapist," said Guest. "A therapist, a dorgi, a Crab, a conjurer, a large number of bad-tempered sorcerers, the analytical engine, a madhouse, a slaughterhouse, a dosshouse ... that's about it. Oh, and Shabble."

  "What about a Cockroach?" said Qinplaqus.

  "A cockroach?" said Guest in puzzlement, wondering if the Silver Emperor was at last lapsing into outright senility.

  "Yes, yes, a Cockroach!" said Qinplaqus. "A Cockroach which commanded the worship of men, yes, and women too, and dogs cats and monkeys for all I know!"

  "Oh," said Guest, belatedly remembering. "Yes, there was a Cockroach. It was a god, at least that's what Shabble said, and there were tax advantages - but that was long ago, and in a different country, and the insect must be dead by now."

  "It is not dead," said Qinplaqus. "It is an immortal god which successively reincarnates itself in a series of cockroach bodies."

  "Are you - are you then a worshipper?" said Guest, wondering if he had mortally offended the Ashdan's piety.

  "No!" said Qinplaqus, hammering his pelican-headed walking stick against the floor. "I have no time for this trifling nonsense! But the problem with nonsense is that it becomes serious when enough people believe in it. Shabble and Shabble's god have installed themselves on Alozay. And this - "

  "A god!" said Lord Onosh, interrupting with intemperate force. "Since when is a cockroach a god?"

  "Oh, many things can be gods," said Qinplaqus. "Why, this walking stick of mine was once a god in its own right, though it is a god no longer. So. As I was saying, the world's worst nonsense must be taken seriously if enough people believe in it.

  Shabble has set up a god upon Alozay, and we have no choice but to treat with this problem in a serious manner."

  Lord Onosh shook his head. He was still having trouble adjusting to the news. His home island - invaded by a cockroach!

  The Witchlord Onosh had often feared that the Safrak Islands might be invaded by the Red Emperor, the fearsome Khmar, whose horsemen currently dominated the Collosnon Empire. He had feared, too, that he might be betrayed by the treachery of the Partnership Banks, or face an intemperate challenge from his son Guest. But never in his wildest dreams had he thought himself likely to suffer invasion from a talking ball and an immortal cockroach.

  "You say that Shabble is installed upon Alozay," said Guest.

  "Do you mean that this Shabble-thing is there as a conqueror?"

  "Not yet, not yet," said Qinplaqus. "At the moment, Shabble is but an uninvited guest. But I fear that it will be but a matter of time before Shabble declares itself the lord of Alozay, and the lord too of all the Doors of the Circle."

  The Plandruk Qinplaqus called for tea, for coffee, for wine, for chocolate, for sweetmeats, for roast polyps and boiled water, to afford them a break in which they could chew over their difficulties as they chewed over their food. Guest chewed with some anger.

  The Weaponmaster had thought of Untunchilamon as a mere waystation in his life; and, though he had sojourned there for some considerable time, and though a great many things had there happened to him, he had never expected any of the strangers encountered on Untunchilamon to intrude into his future. Least of all on Alozay! After all, there was an entire ocean between Untunchilamon and Alozay.

  While chewing, Guest suffered the most horrendous sense of overwhelming difficulties. As a hero whose multiple heroics had no precedent in myth, legend or affidavit, the Weaponmaster had dared unimaginable dangers (including the temptations of therapists and a great Flood of his father's saliva), and had succeeded where many had failed. In the face of all the odds, he had won the wishstone from Untunchilamon and had got it as far as Dalar ken Halvar - but now the wishstone didn't work, or not yet at any rate, and his return home was problematical.

  During his earlier sojourn in Dalar ken Halvar, when he had spent four years convalescing from injuries, Guest had learnt something of the rise of the religion of Nu-chala-nuth, which was now the dominant faith in Parengarenga. If Shabble was intent on seizing the Circle of the Doors of the Partnership Banks and converting the world to the doctrines of the Holy Cockroach, then there was surely the potential for a horrific holy war when the adherents of the Cockroach clashed with the Nu-chala-nuth.

  So, with a potential religious war added to his own problems, Guest felt positively depressed. And things were all the worse because he was facing his current difficulties without the help of his wizards.

  So where exactly were those dignitaries?

  When Guest had escaped from Untunchilamon by ship, he had left behind the wizards Pelagius Zozimus and Hostaja Sken-Pitilkin. At the time, Sken-Pitilkin had been trying to build another of his flying machines.

  Assuming that he had succeeded ....

  "Is Sken-Pitilkin on Alozay?" said Guest, with a note of intense suspicion in his voice.

  "Why, yes," said Qinplaqus. "I forgot to mention that. Sken-Pitilkin arrived with Shabble."

  "I knew it!" said Guest, speaking like a man who has just discovered a scorpion beneath his pillow. "Only Sken-Pitilkin could have tempted that bubble to Alozay. Shabble could never have got there by accident, not ever! What would Shabble know of Alozay, Safrak, demons, Doors? It's Sken-Pitilkin, he's the one!"

  "Yes," said Lord Onosh, relieved to find they had an obvious target to blame for the mess they were in. "I blame it all on Sken-Pitilkin. Him and his flying machines!"

  "Yes," said Guest, "if he hadn't got into this business of flying, we'd never have been in this mess. I knew right from the start that those stickbirds of his was bad news. Why, back at Locontareth he wanted to build one especially to drop bombs."

  "Bombs?" said Lord Onosh.

  "Those rock-things which fly from volcanoes," said Guest. "He wanted to build a stickbird to drop bombs. Drop them on peoples' heads."

  "No, no," said his father. "It was nothing to do with volcanoes. It was donkeys! He was going to load them up then - then drop them on people. He almost killed me with one of his infernal experiments. He dropped a donkey from a roof."

  "It might be," said Plandruk Qinplaqus, "that the donkey was a beast of burden which he intended to transport by air, and that its fall was an accident."

  "Nonsense!" said Lord Onosh. "For we were preparing for war.

  And - and there was an armchair on the donkey! One does not go to war with an armchair, not even if one is a sotted old wizard like that worthless Sken-Pitilkin."

  Then Guest remembered Sken-Pitilkin talking with the demon Icaria Scaria Iva-Italis about flight. Sken-Pitilkin's intensity had helped convince Guest that the demon was truly a creature of Power. Consequently, Guest was more than half-inclined to blame Sken-Pitilkin for all their subsequent disasters.

  And had it not been Sken-Pitilkin who had been truly enthusiastic about questing to Untunchilamon for the x-x-zix? Of course it had been! And why? Perhaps - this was Guest's dire thought - perhaps Sken-Pitilkin had not been intent on winning the wishstone. Perhaps Sken-Pitilkin had bethou
ght himself of the Shabble which lived on Untunchilamon.

  So ....

  If Sken-Pitilkin had seen Iva-Italis on Alozay, and if Sken-Pitilkin had then gone to Untunchilamon, then might it not be that the wizard's true intent had ever been to introduce Shabble to the demon Italis?Guest could not help but think that, while a Shabble in isolation was not necessarily particularly dangerous, a Shabble in combination with a demon - or in combination with all the demons of the Circle of the Partnership Banks - might prove an alliance capable of dominating the world.

  "We will not be contending with Shabble," said Guest grimly.

  "Rather, we will be contending with Sken-Pitilkin, for I fear him in conspiracy against us."

  "How so?" said Qinplaqus.

  "I fear that Sken-Pitilkin may have deliberately sought out Shabble on Untunchilamon with the sole purpose of introducing that delinquent to the demon on Alozay," said Guest. "I fear that Shabble and the demon may now league with Sken-Pitilkin, matching their powers with his powers of flight, and producing a world- dominating combination."

  "Then," said Lord Onosh, with the ferocity which befits a Yarglat warlord, "we must hurry to Alozay and cut off Sken-Pitilkin's head!"

  But it was not till three days had passed that they were conveyed at last to the Bralsh in covered palankeens.

  By this time, Yubi Das Finger had obtained clearance from all the Banks through which Witchlord and Weaponmaster would travel on their way home. They were free to travel.

  Plandruk Qinplaqus then assigned Thayer Levant to Guest Gulkan's service, partly so Levant could later bring Qinplaqus an independent account of the activities of Witchlord and Weaponmaster, and partly because Qinplaqus thought that Levant might be of use to those Yarglat barbarians.

  After all, had it not been for Levant's audacity and endurance, the x-x-zix would never have reached Dalar ken Halvar and the mazadath would not have been saved for Guest Gulkan.

  Instead, both those treasures would have fallen to the Mutilator of Yestron.