Once a Lawman

by Lisa Childs

  “You’re right,” Chad admitted. “She is smart.” Since their night together, she hadn’t tried to contact him, either. She had obviously accepted what he still struggled to—that they had no future.

  “Well, she’s smart about most things,” Kevin allowed, “but she’s not very smart about her own life.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “She’s dated some losers, like Mom has,” Kevin said.

  “Guys that wouldn’t stick around, you know.” He leaned across the counter again. “Guys that were really only after one thing…”

  That was probably what she thought about him given the way he’d left. He cleared his throat of the regret choking him. “That’s too bad.”

  “Now she’s sick.” Kevin expelled a ragged breath of worry. “But she still won’t ease up. She’s till rushing around trying to do everything herself.”

  Chad’s heart slammed into his ribs, and his voice cracked as he urgently asked, “She’s sick?”

  The teenager nodded. “Yeah, must be the flu or something. You know Tess—she refuses to slow down even though she feels like crap. That’s why I gotta help her. No one else will.”

  Chad could—with Kevin’s driving. He wouldn’t let himself do anything more than that. Just his irrational fear over her having the flu proved to him that he couldn’t. He couldn’t risk going through the hell he’d already endured.

  A SOFT CLICK broke the silence in the dark meeting room each time the projector slipped from one slide to the next. Light flashed like the horrific images across the screen at the front of the room.

  Tessa’s stomach roiled at the quick snapshots of traffic accidents and suicides and murder scenes. The crime scene tech had warned them about how graphic the images were before he’d started his presentation. Amy had been smart enough to leave the room, but Tessa had thought she could handle it. She had never had a weak stomach…until she’d caught this stupid flu bug.

  Sweat beaded on her upper lip. She closed her eyes, but instead of blocking out the images, she saw them in her head. She could almost smell the blood, as if she were actually at the scene right now. Her chair struck the table behind hers as she vaulted out of her seat and ran from the room.

  Moments later, the white ceramic tile cold beneath her bare knees, she crouched in the bathroom. The stainless steel stall door bumped her shoulder as someone pushed it open. Then gentle hands lifted her hair.

  “You okay?” Brigitte asked, her usually husky voice soft with concern.

  “I’m okay,” Tessa assured her, now that she’d emptied her stomach. Again. “You don’t have to hold my hair.”

  “I work in a bar,” Brigitte reminded her. “I’m used to holding hair.”

  “Is she all right?” Bernie asked from outside the stall, where she paced like a mother hen with a sick chick.

  Willing away the queasiness, Tessa stood up—with Brigitte’s help. Her legs trembling slightly, she leaned against the cool metal of the stall. “I’m all right…as long as I don’t go back into that room.”

  “I’m not going back in that room,” Brigitte said as she shuddered.

  The outer door of the bathroom opened. “Is she okay?” Amy asked, her stomach obviously so weak that she couldn’t even come inside with someone getting sick.

  “I’m okay,” Tessa shouted, her voice getting sharp with impatience. “I wouldn’t have even been bothered by those pictures, but I’ve had some flu bug one of my younger brothers or sisters brought home.”

  Yet she doubted it was just the flu that had brought about the queasiness. The slide show had reminded her of Chad again, that this was his job, the kind of stuff he saw. Then he went home to an empty house—no one there for him to talk to about what he had seen. He had no one with whom to share his life.

  But that was his choice, and she wasn’t about to try to get him to change his mind. She had enough baggage of her own without picking up someone else’s.

  “Okay,” she said, summoning enough energy to walk to the sink and splash cold water on her face.

  Bernie, having wetted a paper towel herself, blotted Tessa’s forehead. “Oh, honey, you’re as white as these bathroom walls. How long have you been sick? Maybe you should get to a doctor.”

  Tessa shook her head. “No. You remember what it’s like with kids in school. They bring a germ home, then we keep passing it around.” Sometimes for weeks apparently, although everyone else had recovered far more quickly than she had.

  But then they were younger, and kids were more resilient than adults who didn’t get enough sleep because they’d had to move to the couch to avoid memories of what they’d done last in their bed—and with whom. Even after she’d changed her sheets, it was as if she could still smell him, still feel him, his arms wrapped tight around her…

  She, who prided her independence, hated the fact that she felt as though she needed him. Tessa Howard had never needed anyone before.

  “Everybody decent?” a male voice asked as the bathroom door opened again.

  “Lieutenant O’Donnell in the ladies’ room?” Bernie shook her head. “I guess I’m not the only one who likes a thrill.”

  His sherry-colored eyes sparkled as he grinned. “I’m just checking on Ms. Howard.”

  “I appreciate all the concern, but I’m fine,” Tessa assured everyone.

  “Herman Schuster, the crime scene tech, gets a little too into his job,” he said with a grimace.

  “He’s a ghoul,” Bernie said.

  O’Donnell shrugged. “Some people actually like his slide show.”

  “Then they’re ghouls, too,” Bernie said with a sniff of disgust.

  “It wouldn’t have bothered me,” Tessa assured him, “if not for this flu bug I’ve had. As a matter of fact, I really don’t think I can do the ride-along.”

  “That’s a couple of days away,” O’Donnell said, “I’m sure you’ll feel better by Friday.”

  “You’d think, but I’ve been sick for weeks.” More sick than she could ever remember being. Maybe that was due more to her emotional than her physical state.

  “You should get to the doctor,” Bernie repeated with motherly concern.

  “I was feeling better,” she said, “until the slide show.”

  “So I’m sure you’ll be completely better by Friday,” O’Donnell said, with little sympathy, as if he suspected she was only looking for an excuse.

  He wasn’t wrong. “But if I don’t…”

  Bernie shook her head. “You can’t want out of the ride-along, Tessa. It was so much fun.”

  Bernie had enjoyed riding through back alleys and breaking up fights in biker bar parking lots, but Tessa had no desire to see any more of Chad’s job—or Chad. Fortunately, her ride-along was one of the last scheduled.

  “It was fun for you,” Tessa reminded her friend. “It won’t be fun for me.”

  “You need to give it a chance,” Bernie urged. “You talk her into it, Lieutenant,” she said as she and Brigitte left Tessa alone in the restroom with the watch commander.

  “It’s not just the ride-along you need to give a chance,” O’Donnell said as soon as the other women left.

  “Chad?”

  “You need to give him a chance.”

  “I already did,” she admitted, hating herself for her lapse in judgment. Mr. Right Now. Really, what must he think of her for wanting a one-night stand? Apparently not much, since he had disappeared in the middle of the night and hadn’t even called her.

  “He didn’t take it?”

  When she shook her head, the lieutenant swore beneath his breath.

  Chad had taken what she’d offered—one night, in which he’d taken her body but not her heart. That was good, though. She had no intention of giving her heart to a man who didn’t want it.

  “You really need to change my assignment. I can’t ride-along with Chad,” she implored the lieutenant.

  “He’s pretty desperate to get out of the assignment, too,” O’Donnell admitte
d.

  Tessa sucked in a breath at the flash of pain. Chad didn’t want to see her again, either. Obviously that night had meant much less to him than it had to her. “So you understand how impossible it is—”

  “I understand that you’ve gotten to him, Tessa. He hasn’t really noticed another woman since his wife died…until you.”

  “I’d rather not be that woman, Lieutenant. I may be competitive in my professional life,” she explained. “After all, I am the leading sales rep for west Michigan, but I don’t compete in my personal life.” Not when she knew she couldn’t win.

  O’Donnell shook his head. “You know, I thought you had more guts than that. I thought nothing would keep you from going after what you want.”

  “I don’t want him.”

  “You keep telling yourself that,” he said with a chuckle as he headed toward the door. “Maybe you’ll even start believing it.”

  “I do believe it.”

  “Well, that makes one of us,” he said. “You’re not getting out of the ride-along.”

  “What are you doing?” she asked. “Do you think you’re playing matchmaker?”

  “I’m the watch commander,” he reminded her. “I hand out assignments. I know who’s suited to doing what and who’ll work well together.”

  “So I take it you’ve been happily married for many years then?” She winced a little at her low blow because she’d heard about his nasty divorce. She knew his marriage had been far from happy and was long over.

  But he grinned, unaffected by her nasty remark. “I know about other people,” he said as he headed out the door.

  “You’re wrong about me and Chad,” she called after him. Once she’d shown him all her responsibilities, he’d walked away…just like every other man had.

  Chapter Twelve

  Except for that one day when Tessa Howard kept him on the elevator, Chad had never been late for roll call. But he was late again today. Again, it was because of her.

  He had been assigned to work the night shift because she was riding along. How could he face her after having never called her after they’d made love? What would he say to her? “Hey, sorry I’m a jerk like every other guy who’s been in your life.”

  His hand shook as he fastened his holster, extra magazines, pepper spray, Taser, radio and collapsible baton to his belt. Thinking of the night ahead and how crazy he suspected it might get, he snapped not one but two sets of cuffs to his belt, too.

  Then, angry with himself—and illogically her for putting him in this predicament, for making him care about her—he slammed his locker door and headed across the hall to the roll-call room.

  “Glad you could join us, Lieutenant Michalski,” Paddy lightly reprimanded him from the podium at the front of the room.

  Still pissed that Paddy hadn’t switched Tessa’s ride-along assignment to another officer, Chad gave him only a short nod before heading to an open spot at a table a few rows back. Knowing she would be sitting in the last row, where the ride-alongs and interns were told to sit, Chad averted his gaze and dropped onto a chair. But his efforts were wasted, for she just ducked in the door.

  The breath left Chad’s lungs at the sight of her. She was even more beautiful than in his dreams.

  “And there you are, Ms. Howard,” Paddy remarked.

  His fellow officers turned toward Chad, smirking, as if he had been late because he’d been with her. But he hadn’t, not since that night too many weeks ago. His body tensed, wanting hers again. God, you’re a fool.

  “Please take a seat in the back row for the briefing,” Paddy directed her.

  Every man’s head swiveled toward her as she walked down the aisle to the back. Even though she had dressed more appropriately for the mid-November weather, wearing gray pants and a black sweater, she was still sexy as hell. How was he going to focus on his job with her riding next to him all night?

  “Oh, man, I’d love to be you tonight,” one of the rookies murmured. “Hell, since she’s your girl, I’d love to be you every night.”

  If the kid only knew how he really spent his nights…Chad was unable to sleep—hell, anyone who looked at his face couldn’t miss the dark circles beneath his eyes, but only Chad knew guilt and regret caused his sleeplessness.

  The watch commander called out district assignments, saving Chad from having to respond to the rookie’s comment. Fortunately Paddy assigned Chad to the outskirts of Lakewood where things were usually quiet. Of course that meant he would have nothing to distract him from Tessa. Paddy sent everyone off with his final warning for them to “Be careful out there.”

  While everyone chuckled at his Hill Street Blues reference, they knew he was serious—he worried about them until they returned to the department at the end of their shift. Each one said something to him as they filed out of the roll-call room.

  “See you at the Lighthouse, Paddy.”

  “Drinks are on you, Commander.”

  “Play you in a game of darts.”

  “Just not on Kent’s board,” someone else chimed in.

  The voices quieted down as Paddy walked out with the last of the officers, leaving the cavernous roll-call room empty. Except for Chad and Tessa.

  “Are you ignoring me?” she asked.

  Chad glanced up from his computer. As he met her gaze, his heart lurched against his ribs. From the dark circles beneath her bright eyes, he wasn’t the only one who hadn’t been sleeping.

  “I have to finish updating the files before we get in the car,” he explained, his throat thick with all the things he really wanted to say to her. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. “We also have to get you a bulletproof vest.”

  What little color she’d had drained from her face, making the circles beneath her eyes appear even darker. “What? Somebody might actually shoot at us?”

  “Hopefully not,” he said, but he wouldn’t lie to her that it never happened. Heck, from the video footage, she knew officers occasionally got fired on—even in Lakewood.

  “But I can’t take that risk,” she said, “I have a lot of responsibility…”

  According to her younger brother and what Chad had seen himself, she had too much responsibility. Was that the reason for her apparent sleeplessness? His stomach tightened with nerves and regret. Or was he?

  She lifted her lips in a smile she might have intended as her usual sassy one, but it appeared too forced. “I really can’t get shot right now.”

  Chad’s lips tugged up in a less reluctant smile. “Would there be a better time?”

  “No.” Tessa sighed. “I tried to get out of this ride-along, you know.”

  “I know.” He’d actually been surprised that she’d shown up at all. Of course, she wouldn’t risk not completing the class and losing her license and her job. As she’d said, she had too many responsibilities. She needed someone to help her—someone who loved her so much he would do everything in his power to make her life easier. Chad would only make it harder.

  “You tried to get out of it, too,” she said, her voice soft with an odd note. Accusation? Pain? “Lieutenant O’Donnell told me.”

  “I tried,” Chad admitted, “but Paddy’s stubborn.”

  Tessa gave a delicate snort of derision. “He’s delusional.”

  So she’d caught on to Paddy’s not-so-subtle matchmaking attempts.

  “I’ve missed you.” He hadn’t meant to make the admission, but the words just slipped out—of his heart, maybe his soul.

  “Here I doubted you gave me a second thought,” she mused, her voice sharp with bitterness.

  “If it had been only a second, I might be able to sleep at night.” The computer finished downloading, and he closed the laptop and stood. “Okay, let’s go.”

  HE’D MISSED her. He couldn’t sleep for thinking about her…

  Tessa froze, unable to move, to follow him after his so casually uttered remarks, which echoed her own feelings. She had missed him. So badly. She had thought of him. So often. Instead of being un
able to sleep, though, she slept too much lately. Probably because of her never-ending bout with the flu. Or depression.

  She cried so easily now. She hadn’t been this emotional since Nana died. And she hated it. She hated him, too, for being the cause of it. When he walked back into the roll-call room, she glared at him.

  “I know you don’t want to do this,” he said, with a heavy sigh, “but you really need to.”

  Or she would risk losing her license. She had come too far to quit now. Two more official classes, then graduation was all she had left.

  After tonight…

  Tessa had hoped he was kidding about the bulletproof vest, but he fitted a heavy black garment to her body, adjusting Velcro straps over her shoulders. Then his hands moved down her sides, adjusting the Velcro to fit her tightly.

  “Can you breathe?” he asked.

  Not with him touching her. Her lungs burned until he dropped his hands from her body, then she released a shaky sigh. “It’s fine.”

  “It’s still a little big on you,” he said, “but it’s the smallest one we have.”

  “Just another reason I shouldn’t be doing this ride-along,” she muttered.

  “Am I one of those reasons?”

  She lifted her gaze to his, losing herself in those deep green eyes of his. That was her greatest fear—that she would lose herself if she pursued whatever it was between them. She couldn’t replace Luanne, and she doubted he could ever love Tessa the way he loved his dead wife. No other man had ever loved her at all—not even her father. Damn daddy issues…

  She squared her shoulders and answered him honestly, “Yes, you’re the biggest reason.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?” she asked, trying to shrug but the vest was too damn heavy. “For not calling? For not stopping by my house or office to see me?”

  “Yes,” he said, the word nearly strangled by the guilt she glimpsed in those gorgeous eyes of his.

  She shook her head. “I wasn’t expecting anything more than that night from you.”

  “I’m sorry about that, too,” he said. “You should expect more—you deserve more, so much more, Tessa.”