The Chaos of Luck

by Catherine Cerveny

  People always wondered about the one who got away. Hell, half the questions people asked me were about lost loves and previous relationships. Everybody had one—that one person they’d let slip through their fingers for whatever reason. They would speculate on what might have been if circumstances had been different, or if they’d met at another point in their lives. If I hadn’t liked shoes so much, I could have gotten rich just from answering that question alone.

  Well, standing in front of me was mine. Brody Williams was my “one who got away.” And now, the universe had dropped him right into my lap.

  Fuck.

  Chapter Six

  “I assume you know each other?”

  Alexei’s voice came from behind me. The words may have formed a question, but it didn’t sound like one. His tone was unlike anything I’d heard from him before—surprise mingled with suspicion—and that in itself was scary. Alexei wasn’t stupid nor did he startle easily. He could piece things together more quickly than I could, and the tone said he’d understood more than our brief exchange implied.

  Usually I could come up with something, anything, to turn a situation around, but my mind was blank. Thought was beyond me. He made it sound as if I’d gone out of my way to hide something from him when nothing could be farther from the truth. Alexei had researched every facet of my life so I assumed there was nothing left to tell. Besides, who wanted to rehash details of an old relationship with a new one? Everyone had exes. Brody and I had been together for several months about a year after my first serious boyfriend, Dante, dumped me. Why didn’t Alexei know about him, and why was he acting so stunned, it stopped me in my tracks?

  I looked at Brody—no help there. He watched me like I was a ghost he fully expected to disappear if he so much as blinked. He seemed torn between hugging me and wondering why the hell I was there in the first place. Hugging appeared like it might be winning out. This didn’t bode well at all. I turned to Alexei because I couldn’t just stand there, none of us speaking, locked in this frozen tableau.

  “How do you know Felicia?” Alexei asked with deceptive casualness.

  Brody shrugged. “It’s been years. I had a few readings done at her shop in Nairobi.” Then to me, “If I recall correctly, you had a cute receptionist working for you.”

  I laughed because it was the easiest option available. “That’s right. Next time I talk to Natty, I’ll be sure to tell her you said that.”

  “Natty. Yes, that was her name. I doubt she’d remember me.”

  “You’d be surprised. If memory serves, you two spent a lot of time flirting with each other. She never seemed to work very hard when you were around. I think she was actually upset when she found out you were bound for Mars.”

  He looked pleased. “I hope she wasn’t the only one upset.”

  “Well, so was Charlie Zero. He hates to lose gold notes after all,” I said, sidestepping that potential minefield. “And now it looks like you’re doing well on Mars, working for the Consortium.”

  “It’s mostly consulting. It might be long-term, if all goes well. It’s difficult to say until we hammer out the details.” Brody shot a look to Alexei, mute at my side. “I didn’t get it at first, but I see now why Alexei would want to free up his time to concentrate on other things.”

  It shouldn’t have, but the comment made me blush. Brody saw it and grinned. Not good. I needed to get out of there before I did or said something to make things worse. I looked back to Alexei, whose expression was unreadable. Maybe he wasn’t even there anymore. Maybe he was on the CN-net doing…I couldn’t even imagine what. I touched his hand, and when he looked down at me, I felt something chill inside me. The look said he wasn’t seeing me, distracted by whatever else went on in his head while plugged into the internal world of the CN-net. I would rather have had his smoldering rage instead of this nothingness where I didn’t exist for him.

  “I’m pretty tired, so I’ll head to the room,” I said, plastering a smile on my face.

  “Of course,” he said flatly. “I’ll join you when I can.”

  “I’ll wait up.”

  “That’s unnecessary. I may not see you until tomorrow afternoon, depending on how this goes.”

  Tomorrow? Two sols ago, he’d told me he loved me and we were closer than we’d ever been, and now…Gods, what the hell was going on with him? How had the world suddenly gone sideways?

  I cleared my throat over the lump I felt forming. “Well, whenever you have time.” I turned to Brody because it would be rude not to. “It was nice to see you again. Hopefully we’ll have a chance to catch up—if Alexei isn’t working you too hard.”

  His grin turned into a smile that was just for me. “I’ll make time. It was good to see you, Felicia.”

  I hadn’t meant for it to happen, but somehow Brody caught me in a hug and it wasn’t the friendly, quick one between acquaintances. It was a hug like he was sinking and I was the only thing keeping him afloat. It completely enveloped me and I was pressed hard against his chest, drowning in his scent and his warmth. I couldn’t help but note it was a pretty nice chest and he smelled really good, and he felt…familiar.

  “Do you still have the cards I gave you?” he asked, looking down at me.

  “Yes. I don’t know why, but they always smell like cinnamon when I use them.”

  “Then it was worth the expense. You’re a hard girl to impress.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You are the biggest flirt in the tri-system.”

  “So you’ve said in the past,” he said before letting me go.

  I didn’t dare look at Alexei, afraid of what I’d see. I ran to the waiting chain-breakers instead and let them whisk me away.

  And my gut? It didn’t care in the least about what was happening. In fact, it seemed to have settled. No more jangling, edginess, or kicks. Apparently now that my life had become a marvelous fucking disaster in the span of a few minutes, my luck gene was finally happy.

  Naturally, I didn’t rest. That would have been impossible. I couldn’t enjoy the room. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t even think. All I could do was shuffle my Tarot cards, scattering them onto the bed because my hands shook so much. When I did lay a spread, I didn’t know what the hell I was looking at. Even a single card with a simple yes-no answer wasn’t making sense because I didn’t know what question to ask.

  Why did I feel like I had this convergence of disaster around me? Had Brody known I was with Alexei when he’d hired out his services to the Consortium? And I couldn’t imagine Alexei would have approached Brody if he’d known about us. I thought of the reading I’d done all those weeks ago when this feeling had first hit. I recalled the Knight of Cups as an outside influence, and because it was a court card, that meant it could manifest as an event or a person. I’d assumed it was a woman from Alexei’s past because gods knew that roadside was littered with enough jilted lovers to start multiple support groups. In comparison, I could count my old boyfriends on one hand and still have a thumb left over. I never imagined it might be someone from my past getting in the way.

  Abandoning my cards, I flitted around the room, feeling helpless. The cards were obviously wrong. My gut had to be wrong too. I was missing something, and as soon as I calmed down, I’d figure it out.

  So I unpacked my suitcase and put everything away as if I’d planned on doing nothing more than enjoying myself the next few sols. I had a bath. I ordered room service. I even had an appointment with a resort staff esthetician for a mani-pedi to deal with the mess I’d made of my nails during my big night out in Elysium City.

  I sorted through the last of my shims, noticing an interesting one from Lotus with regards to Novi Pazidor, the wife of the disgruntled off-world miner. Novi wanted to book a Tarot reading party at her home and hoped to invite half a dozen of her friends. Lotus wanted to know if she should book it. On Earth, I’d done numerous reading parties. They were fun and I enjoyed them. This would be my first on Mars, and if it went well and word got out, more might follo
w. Novi was the type of client I wanted as opposed to the Lila Chandlers of the world—someone I felt I could actually help. I shimmed Lotus and told her to book the party for whenever it fit in my schedule.

  I opened the balcony doors and wandered out into the cool evening air. Before me loomed Apollinaris Mons, the fading sunlight turning its rocky, snow-covered face blush pink. It was so pretty and there I was looking at it, alone—which dragged my thoughts back to Alexei.

  What had he been thinking when he’d seen Brody and me together? What direction had his thoughts gone when he’d stood silently beside me, his expression blank? What if…No, I just needed to talk to him. Everything would be fine. It had to be.

  I did something then I hadn’t done in a long time—I found an inhaler of sleeping gas I’d packed in one of my bags and took several puffs before I changed my mind. I peered at the dosage label, wincing when I realized I’d inhaled more than I’d intended. Well, it probably wouldn’t hurt me. I’d relied on it heavily back when I’d thought Alexei was dead and sleep had been impossible. Actually, being awake hadn’t been a picnic either. I always traveled with it, whether I needed it or not, and the fact that I thought I needed it now didn’t say much for my mental state. If only for a few hours, I wanted to turn off this reality and not have to think.

  I set the inhaler on the bedside table, feeling its effects almost immediately. I barely made it under the sheets before collapsing in my ridiculously inappropriate pink satin negligée I’d bought specifically for Alexei to see. Turns out I could have saved my gold notes and gone neck-to-ankle flannels for all the attention he showed me. Maybe that would be something to remember for next time. My last thought was I wished I’d gathered up my cards because in about two seconds I wasn’t going to be able to manage it. Once the meds hit, I wouldn’t even be able to dream, and right then, that didn’t seem like such a bad thing.

  I woke to hands shaking me, which is just as unpleasant as it sounds. I heard someone shouting my name, also annoying. I tried swatting at the hands in the hopes I could go back to sleep, but they wouldn’t go away. Then blissfully, the shaking stopped and I sank back into wonderful oblivion.

  Sleep was interrupted again by pellets of ice raining down my back. I shrieked from the cold and bolted awake so quickly, I nearly fell when my feet slipped from under me.

  I wasn’t in bed anymore. I was standing on tile. Tile in an ice-cold shower in the bathroom—completely naked, I might add. Alexei was with me, fully clothed in a suit for fuck’s sake, his expression grim as he held me under the frigid downpour.

  “What the hell?” I screamed, slapping at him, fighting to loosen his hold.

  All that earned me was a mouthful of water and a precarious moment where I thought I might crack my head open on the tile when my feet slipped again. He hauled me upright and thrust me back under the water until my teeth were chattering and I was shrieking at him to stop. Only then did he turn off the water and wrap me in a towel. When my legs weren’t interested in supporting me, he picked me up and carried me back to the bed. He shoved a mug of hot black coffee in my hands.

  “Drink it,” he ordered, the grim expression still on his face.

  I noticed dimly that my fingers were blue with cold as I brought the mug to my lips. It was so strong and bitter, I started to cough and tried to set it down. Alexei caught my wrist, holding the mug to my mouth.

  Having no choice, I choked down the terrible stuff. He was only satisfied once he could see the bottom, taking the mug and placing it on a nearby table. Then he handed me an inhaler—the wake-up jolt to nullify the sleeping gas. Mixed with caffeine, I’d be ready to jump out of my skin in about ten minutes. Still, I inhaled one puff, which seemed to appease him.

  “I’m not sure where this urge to harm yourself came from, but this stops now. First the Euphoria, now this. For me to come in here and see you in bed like that, not waking up…Don’t ever do that to me again,” he said.

  As he spoke, he stripped off his wet clothing—which was when I realized he’d changed from yesterday. He’d shaved as well. Off came the jacket, the shirt and pants, all thrown on the floor in a soaking heap and probably ruined. No underwear, though. I don’t think he’d ever worn any in all the time I’d known him. There was something to be said for going commando and I watched as he went back to the bathroom for a towel; he really did have a very fine ass. Definitely worth checking out. Above it, spread out over his entire back, was a cathedral tattoo with several distinct towers. I often traced its outline with my finger and knew it had something to do with time spent in prison, but Alexei wouldn’t elaborate on the details.

  “I just misjudged the dose,” I called. “I don’t have the tolerance I had before.”

  Alexei came back to crouch in front of me, studying me intently. “That kind of tolerance is dangerous. It’s nearly three in the afternoon.”

  I said nothing, just huddled in my towel. He knew why I’d once relied so heavily on sleeping meds. There was no need to lecture me. The silence stretched and I had to look down at the floor. I heard him shift and drop his towel before he leaned closer. “What’s going on here? Who is he to you?” he asked, sounding confused. I didn’t need to ask who “he” was.

  “He’s an old boyfriend, but I haven’t heard from him in years.”

  I heard something that sounded like a growl rumble out of him. “I thought I knew everything there was to know about you, but not this. There was nothing on the CN-net. I can’t access his memory blocks and you have none. There is literally no evidence anywhere in the tri-system to indicate you were together and yet the way he looked at you yesterday is all the proof I need.”

  “Proof of what? It’s been years,” I repeated, in case he’d missed it. “You know about my relationships with Dante, and Roy, and even Charlie. None of those bothered you. This isn’t any different.”

  But Alexei didn’t seem inclined to let it go. His hands fisted on the bed beside my thighs, close but not touching me.

  “To know he’s touched you, that he’s wanted you the same way I do, that he’s been inside you and made you scream his name…It’s all I can think about. I feel like I might snap and do something I regret.”

  “Stop it. You can’t think about it that way. All you did was shut me out and made me feel like I meant nothing to you, or like you didn’t even see me.” I let out a shuddering sigh, almost afraid to admit it aloud because that made it more real. “I’ve never felt like that with you before, and it hurt.”

  I felt his hand touch my hair then turn my face toward his. “You are the only thing I do see. I didn’t know how to handle my feelings yesterday.”

  “You have to know what I felt for him is nothing compared to what I feel for you. It isn’t even close.”

  “What are the odds that the man I need to crack open One Gov’s queenmind also happens to be your former lover?” he asked instead. “Konstantin recommended him, so I assume he already knew this.”

  “And you don’t think that’s weird? If Konstantin had a tool he thought would drive us apart, he’d use it.”

  “Of course I’m suspicious. How could he have known this about you when I didn’t? But I suppose all I really want to know is will his gambit be successful? Will you react the way he hopes?”

  “Don’t, Alexei,” I begged. “Don’t let anyone plant doubts about us.”

  “Then tell me what it was like between you. What makes me different from him?” It sounded like he was challenging me to prove myself. The hand touching me dropped away. “You say I treated you like you meant nothing. In reality, we both know you pulled away from me. I could see you were drawn to him. Did you love him when you were together? Do you still want him?”

  “No, of course not!”

  “Then explain what I saw yesterday.”

  I shrugged helplessly. “I was just shocked. We were together a few months, about a year after I broke up with Dante. I was depressed about my blacklisted status. Charlie Zero and I were under pressure
with starting up the shop on Night Alley. My great-grandmother had died and the whole family hated me because I got her cards. Everything was against me. Then Brody came along and he was…fun.”

  “Fun?” Alexei looked skeptical.

  How could I tell him Brody helped me through one of the worst times in my life—when I felt less than worthless and getting out of bed was a struggle? How could I say he made me feel like living again? The truth was, I couldn’t.

  “We hung out and did things together, but when he told me he was leaving for Mars, it ended.”

  “He asked you to go with him.”

  “And I said no.”

  “Yet you’re here now.”

  My eyes flew to his. “I wasn’t in the right headspace to love anyone then. Now, I love you and it’s stupid for you to be jealous. Don’t give that relationship power to cause a rift between us.”

  “How can it not when I see you’ve wondered about him, even if only in passing?”

  Panicked, I reached out to touch his face, running my fingers over the strong line of his jaw. “I don’t want him. I don’t want anyone the way I want you. Please believe me.”

  “If the Consortium didn’t need him, I would dump him back where I found him. If I could, I would change events so you’d never laid eyes on him.” He turned his head, kissing my palm where it rested on his cheek.

  I tried to think about what my life would have been like without Brody in it, and how things might have been different. I had to be honest with myself—I wasn’t even sure I’d still be around. “He’s my past,” I whispered instead. “You’re my future.”

  He stared at me a long moment as if deciding what to do with me, and I felt another hit of panic. I needed to reassure him how important he was to me.