Broken Song

by Erik Schubach

  I could feel a blush burning on my cheeks. How stupid am I? I nodded and she helped me to my feet. Kim was staring at the certificate that said to display in a public space. The non-profit organization business ID number for the “Callahan Foundation”.

  She looked up and around at everyone then her mask broke into unconstrained excitement. “She did it everyone! She has her foundation! Now we have two things to celebrate tonight!” There was cheering all around and I was crying like a baby. This was my dream. A tiny part of me was nagging at my happiness. But you have no one to share it with.

  There was a knock at the open door. I glanced over. He came! I didn't think he would. I ran over and at the last second I veered off and leaned against the door frame. “Sup Leo?”

  He was nervously looking at all the people and he pulled his hat off and tried to smooth down his hair. “Sup Dandelion?” I was happy happy happy, so I just surprised him with a big hug.

  I rushed my words and said, “I did it Leo, we got the foundation!”

  He finally grinned. I started introducing him around to the people who have not met him yet or knew him only by reputation. He was wiping his hands on his pants subconsciously. I know he is nervous and thinks he is too dirty to be shaking people's hands. It is almost a phobia of his.

  I intercepted him. “Hey Leo. Can you do me a favor and bring me the glass cleaner out of the bathroom? I wanna do the windows before the guests of honor arrive.” He nodded and scooted off.

  A minute later he was coming out of the restroom with his hair wetted down and his face and hands cleaner. I grinned, that will give him a boost of confidence. Not that he needs it, Leo is awesome! He handed me the bottle looking more relaxed and I went to work on the windows. “Solid.”

  He nodded. “Solid.”

  Blake excused herself from her wife and walked up to us to help with the windows and she bumped hips with Leo's playfully. “Sup Leo.” He grinned. “Sup Stretch.” Those two are like two peas in a pod. I never would have guessed, but ever since that day she brought me home drunk and watched my interaction with him sitting on my porch, she has become the closest thing to a friend that Leo has. Because back then, she sort of had some prejudices that she needed to work through, but she has told me that if he's my friend then that is the highest recommendation to befriend him herself.

  Crystal looked at the time. Ten minutes before they were supposed to arrive. She shut the door and told everyone to relax now. Drinks were handed out and the music started and we all just sort of mingled and talked. My cell vibrated and I looked at the screen. They were turning onto my street now.

  I held up my phone. “They're almost here!” Everyone looked excited and we all quieted down and just waited.

  A minute later there was a knock on the door. I called out, “Come in.” The door opened and everyone yelled, “Welcome to Seattle!” To the two simply gorgeous, surprised looking young ladies at the door that looked so much like mini versions of Penny. Missy and Steven were standing behind them with mischievous smiles on their faces.

  One was wearing typical teen clothes, jeans, sneakers and a nice blouse under her coat. Her chestnut locks flowing down her back. The other was wearing black converse, torn black jeans and a black Leather and Heels t-shirt, her chestnut locks tied up in a ponytail. I found myself wondering if that awesome hair color was Penny's real color. I grinned as I ran up in front of them. Recognition sparkled in their eyes as the one in black, Lessa by the tone of her voice, asked, “Sandra?”

  I was nodding vigorously and then we broke into squeals and a three way hug. We broke the hug and I looked back at the other two. “Hi Missy and Steven!”

  Steven winked and Missy, true to form said, “Hi there you pasty little freak.” It was almost humorous as most of the room seemed to be turning hostile suddenly as I held my hand up to stop everyone. “It's OK everyone, this is just how Missy is. God forgot to install a tact switch in her. Hi Missy.”

  Missy snorted at that and gave me a warm hug as nervous chuckles circulated the room as everyone relaxed. It made me feel so loved that I had so many protectors.

  I looked back at the girls. “All of this is for you, to welcome you to Seattle. To welcome your to your new home with your aunt.”

  Brandye giggled. “Oh my god, you are even cuter in person!” I blushed.

  Jane announced to the newcomers. “And we are also celebrating Sandra tonight. She just found out the the non-profit organization for her charity foundation has been approved.” This got congratulations from the newcomers.

  I made the introductions all around. The party was spectacular. Kim and Skylar even sang for us. I couldn't get Brandye to stop from hyperventilating over the fact that Satin Thunder was here. Lessa just played it off coolly reminding her that their mother was just as famous.

  The dogs were in heaven with so many people loving them.

  To my surprise, Kim and Missy hit it off well. Trading sarcastic barbs and joking most of the night.

  The food was amazing and the company was awesome. Around ten, the caterers left. Alessandro kissed my hand as he left. “Little one, there is always a table open for you at Alessandro's” I blushed myself half to death. The musicians and Leo left. Then slowly couples said their good nights. In the end it was down to the twins, Missy and Steven, Crystal and Jane as the men Crystal had organized brought the furniture back up from the garage. When they were done, Crystal and Jane said their good nights, leaving me with a warm fuzzy feelings from their hugs and kisses on my cheeks. And Crystal whispering, “You thought this was something, I have to start planning your fundraiser benefit now.” She shot me a wicked grin as she left.

  Missy was winding down our conversation when there was a knock at the door. I looked at the time. It was almost eleven at night.

  I walked over and opened the door and had to look way up at the man in the eight thousand dollar suit in total shock. “Daddy?”

  Chapter 14 – Promises

  I stood behind Mr. Callahan as the reason my heart is still beating asked, “Daddy?” Then her eyes went to mine and her voice sounded lost and a million miles away. “Penny?”

  Behind her I heard something I though I'd never hear again, a strained voice asking, “Mom?” I pushed past Mr. Callahan who seemed to be in a staring contest with his daughter.

  I stopped when I saw my daughters. I covered my mouth with a hand and my tears were freely flowing. “Brandye? Lessa?” I felt like I was on the brink of a heart attack as it was beating so forcefully, threatening to tear out of my chest. Were they really here? What were they doing here? With Sandra and Missy?

  They ran to me and engulfed me in a desperate three way hug. All three of us were crying now. I thought they hated me. “Babies. I love so so much, I have missed you so very much my heart was breaking,” I sobbed.

  Lessa, my brave one, was first to speak, “We missed you too mom. Victor wouldn't let us talk to you. Sandra told us about the letters. We never got them...”

  Then Brandye sobbing said, “Please forgive us mom. We didn't know.”

  I was shushing both of them as half my heart felt as though it were mending just from holding my children. I took a deep breath. “Have a seat girls. I want to look at you.” I reached over and squeezed Missy's hand. Was little miss bad ass crying? I nodded to Steven, as the dogs piled onto the couch to maul my daughters with their tongues.

  I looked back to the other half of my heart. I had long ago admitted the impossibility of the fact that I had somehow fallen in love with that little blonde. I never believed in love at first sight until I met her. But I could never have her, I'm broken and would just soil her purity with my poison. But at least I could do this one thing for her.

  She was just standing by the door with her father. They were animatedly speaking under their breaths. I was about to ask all about what I have missed with my daughters and find out how it was possible they were here when Sandra came stomping over to me on the couch with tears in her eyes and sat d
own beside me, burying her face in my shirt. I had an overwhelming urge to protect her as Mr. Callahan was loudly scolding, “Just give up this nonsense and come home Sandra. Leave this dump and forget about things you are not capable of princess.”

  No! I didn't go through all of this so it would end up like this!

  I thought back over the past couple weeks. That night when this caring, giving woman came to my bed to protect me and offer me comfort as I cried. I wanted to be there with her forever. But the world was crumbling around me and I didn't need to bring her down with me. I had already lost everything. I couldn't afford to believe in the hope she was offering me. The hope that life might not be this cruel monster I believed. Hope is dangerous. It would be better for everyone if I just finished what I had started that night on the bridge.

  So I silently got up and called a cab. I was about to walk out when I saw the picture Yvette had drawn for me on the coffee table. I set my phone down and looked at it. I had made a promise. My heart ached for the young girl. She reminded me so much of my daughters. I closed my eyes and walked out of the apartment in resolve. I couldn't keep my promise to my children that I would always be there, but I could keep my promise to this one child and to Sandra. Then I could end it.

  I just wanted the world to be how it used to be, when everything was simple. I just wanted to go home. Sandra is my home. But I had no home now. Sandra is my home. I got in the cab and just sat, after a few seconds the cab driver looked back. “Ummm... where to ma'am?” I looked up at him. Huh? Oh. Where to? “Home,” I whispered. Sandra is my home. Then I focused on him and gave him my old address, from back when I lived in Seattle. The house I grew up in, when things were simpler.

  I had him pull up across the street from the house. I smiled to myself. It was still the same color and the door was still blue. I remembered how happy I was back then. I've never felt that kind of happiness except with my girls or... Sandra. Why the hell couldn't I get her out of my fucking mind?

  I looked at the car in the driveway and the serenity washed slowly away as I knew this was not my home. This was someone elses home now, where they are making their own memories, their own happiness.

  I closed my eyes and fought off new tears and just looked at the house for a few more minutes. I could hear a dog barking and the porch-light went on. I took a deep breath. I have a promise to keep. I looked at the driver. “Can we just drive up the coast for a while? I need to think. We need to be at St. Vincent's at nine.” He nodded and we turned out of my old neighborhood, leaving my childhood behind me again.

  I reached in my purse for my phone to check the time. Crap. I had left it at Sandra's. I looked past the divider partition to the dashboard. Not even six o’clock. As we passed a beach while we headed north I asked him to stop the cab. I gave him a fifty and told him to keep the meter running. Then I bundled up against the cold and walked out onto the beach, then turned around to look toward the Cascade Mountains. I just emptied my head and stood for an hour waiting to witness my final sunrise.

  I watched the sun creep over the peaks. It was so peaceful, so serene, so beautiful. A counterpoint to the darkness and the turmoil churning around inside me. I kept shaking off the light of hope in the back of my mind in the shape of Sandra's innocent smile.

  I was trying to make peace with myself but a piece of me was yelling inside, “You stupid bitch! Open your eyes!”

  I got back in the waiting cab and told him to keep going north until we had to turn back around to be at the hospital at nine. But then almost immediately told him to pull over when I saw a little antique shop where an old man was setting some old picture frames on the ground along his shop as he was preparing to open up for the day. I got out and walked over then asked him if I was too early to look and he smiled and let me in the shop. I found every eight by ten frame I could find and he put them in a tripled up plastic bag for me. I paid and rushed back to the cab and we continued our aimless drive as I kept looking at the picture Yvette drew for me.

  When we pulled up to the hospital I squared with the driver and handed him another fifty. “Keep the meter running.” He nodded as I made my way into St. Vincent's and navigated to the burn ward. I asked the nurse there if I could borrow the guitar for the cancer ward. He recognized me right away and nodded with a grin and brought it to me. I thanked him then made my way to the cancer ward.

  I hesitated, but I had promised, I won't break my promise. I squared my shoulders and walked up to the nurse's station. A cute plump middle aged woman was there. “Hi. I'm Penny Franklin and I'm... leaving town. But I had promised Yvette that I would sing for her. Would it be possible for me to see her?”

  She was grinning happily, “Of course Ms. Franklin. I'm sure she'd be happy to see you.”

  I thanked her and went through the double doors and counted the curtains then pulled the fourth one gently to the side. I saw her on her bed, sketching in her book. I grinned. “Knock knock,” I said quietly so I wouldn't wake any other children up.

  She looked over and beamed a genuine smile in greeting and I rushed over to her side and leaned the guitar against the bed and I bent and kissed her cheek. “Hey Yvette.”

  She gave me a crooked grin. “Hi lady.”

  I smiled then looked around conspiratorially and started pulling antique picture frames out of the plastic bag and stacking them one at a time on a chair. She was grinning like an idiot as I whispered, “For your art. It needs to be displayed properly.”

  We talked for a bit, and she somehow roped me into talking about life and love again. She showed me her strength and how not even cancer could take her soul and beauty and love from her. She talked about Sandra and told me how stupid we both were to not see how much we loved each other. This dying girl knew more about life than I could learn in a dozen lifetimes.

  I was in awe of this young lady, and I sang for her. Every song denied to me by my record label. I had nothing to offer her but this and love. By the time I was done I was surrounded by children and parents from all around the ward. Once I finished and said goodbye to this wonderful shining star. She reminded me that whether it was spoken or not, I had made a promise to Sandra as well, that reminded me also of the forty eight hour promise that I had welched on.

  I had the cabbie drop me off a block from the bridge and gave him a huge tip and told him to have a great day. I watched as he drove off and made my way to the bridge, to my spot, to my end.

  I stood there looking at the gap above the railing but Yvette's words about my promises rattled through my head. All I could see was Sandra's face. I couldn't do this to her. I loved her. That's what it came down to. I loved her and that was enough, that was the hope. I wouldn't, couldn't let her down. If there is one good thing to be said about me, I take care of those that I love.

  I just screamed, “Fuck!” out into the universe and started stalking off the bridge with a single purpose in my head. I couldn't fix my life, but there was one thing I could do for the most selfless person that I have ever met.

  Shortly after, I was in a cab I wasn't sure where to start. If only there were someone I could talk to and get my bearings... Missy! I don't know why, but my sister-in-law is actually my closest friend. She kept encouraging me to leave Victor for years. For me, for the girls. She knew her brother was poison.

  I have always found it odd that she chose to support me over her own brother. But that's Missy. She is her own person and if you can get past her acidic demeanor and her bitchy armor, she has a huge heart. Though I do pity anyone who gets in her way when she is protecting those she cares about.

  I love her like a dysfunctional sister. But I couldn't even tell her about the cancer, about my decision to... no, she'd have talked me out of it. That's probably why I have avoided her since I got the diagnosis. But how did I find her? I didn't know her address, it was on my phone, and I had never been to her house though she visited us in California a couple times a year and we were staunch email and phone buddies.

  I knew
where she worked as the curator of the Seattle Gallery, but it was the weekend, she wouldn't be there. I asked the driver if he has a tablet or laptop. He had an iPad and I asked him to look up the phone number for Missy Hannigan. Luckily she was listed and I borrowed his cell. I snorted at the “Who the hell is this?” After I let her know it was me and I was in town, she immediately gave me her address which I promptly shared with the driver, then I told her I'd be right there and I handed the driver his phone back.

  Ten minutes later, we pulled up to the very posh neighborhood and the one story rancher style house with my tall blonde pseudo-sister leaning against her closed door with one foot lazily kicked back on the door.

  I paid the driver and she met me half way up the walk with a smile and a barb. “What up rocker bitch?”

  She engulfed me in a big hug as I replied with a warm smile for her, “Just needed to see you, twit.” And I don't know why, but I broke down crying on her shoulder. She just held me and shushed me then guided me into her house with her arm around my shoulder.

  She brought me to the couch where Steven was sitting watching sports. He had a concerned look on his face and shut off the television and vacated the couch so Missy could park us there. She made some head movements and Steven cleared his throat and his deep voice rumbled out as he said, “I have to run to the store to get snacks for the game tomorrow. Umm... I'll be back in an hour... oh, ummm... a couple hours.” I felt her nod as I tried to get a hold of myself, and like a spirit, Steven was gone.

  Missy wiped the tears from my cheeks with her thumbs and seemed satisfied I had stopped crying then she nodded gently and turned her cell off and said, “So Penny, tell me, what's going on hon. When did you get into town?” It was the gentlest voice I had ever heard from her since I married Victor.

  I just stared at her and blinked. I didn't know what to say. But I knew she wouldn't hold any punches and could probably help me get my bearings. That is just how she is. I shrugged and smiled nervously. “I don't know sis. The world has gone to shit around me and it is all spiraling out of control, I'm beyond rock bottom.”