Complexity

by Maxene Novak

  David's face flashed across my mind, reminding me of how naive I'd been. I'd fallen in love with him, but I was just a means to a sexual end for him. When he was done with me, he went home to his wife, who probably pleased him in some way, shape, or form. I'd been subhuman to him. Poor Josh was just as love-struck as I was, so when David left us, Josh left me at the drop of a hat.

  "I'll just go. I'll call Nikolas and tell him to come back and get you. You shouldn't be alone after I dropped this on you." He didn't know about David and Josh, only Nikolas did.

  "No, don't call Nikolas. I'm fine, really. I just … I'm surprised." I swallowed hard. I could do this, just get away from him, just be alone. "I'm happy for you, Julian. It's good news." I was happy for him; if he loved her, then he should be with her. I couldn't take that from him, he said so himself. It was like David was in the room with me, while Joseph just stood there. It made my mind race; mostly to Nikolas. It was Julian's words now which had made me process it all.

  "Okay, Cece, girl." He turned, but paused before he left. "I … I still want you to be in my life, Cece. I don't want you to go away." His face twisted.

  He'd tried to forget about Sidney with me, but he couldn't do it, he still loved her. That stung, beyond belief. He barely paid attention to me, let alone encompassed me like Nikolas did. Julian was always open with me, so reassuring and protective. Nikolas wasn't like that in any way. He'd been a whirlwind of vital desire and human urges. How was I supposed to believe that Nikolas wouldn't ever get bored of me and run back to one of his exes? The thought made me sick, but I suppressed it until Julian had gotten dressed and left me behind. He kissed my forehead before leaving. I could feel his stare on me, questioning if I was really okay. I smiled faintly and watched him leave.

  I didn't actually know how many exes Nikolas had. I actually didn't know really anything about Nikolas' past. It'd been nearly a month since we were together, and I still didn't know Nikolas like he knew me. I'd shared intimate information with him, but I had nothing in return. I felt nauseous, suddenly wanting to lay down. My legs shook.

  Pain ripped through me, staggering me. He was just like David was. He didn't actually care about my life and wanting to get to know each other. He just agreed to whatever got his dick sucked and fucked. I somehow managed to keep it together until I heard the door click behind Julian, and then I crumpled, screaming in a fit of rage and bursting into tears. They flooded over, taking my breath. I knew I shouldn't have gotten back into such a dependent relationship again, and I'd had my heart gouged out. I began gasping for air, panicking at how I could've talked myself into this again. I clawed at my chest, hoping to alleviate the pressure that had settled there, now immovable.

  I fell to the ground, my legs no longer supporting me, and another cry wracked me, consuming me. I laid curled up in a ball on the floor for hours, crying and wailing until I had no more to give, nothing left to destroy. I just laid there, unable to find strength.

  My phone rang, echoing harshly in the quiet space. It was a cruel beacon, reminding me that I was still at Nikolas' place. It was close enough to me that I didn't have to get off the floor to look at it. Ame's name flashed across the screen. I hit the talk button.

  "Lorens just called me. Again. Answer your own phone. I'm a New York elite, Cecelia. Not your secretary, besides Lorens is one of your friends I actually like. But I still can't stand your other 'friends.' Although, I guess Nikolas and Julian are more than friends." When I just listened to her voice, unwilling to speak, her tone flattened. "Shit. Cecelia." I didn't even have to speak and she knew I was fucked up. "Where are you?" I didn't bother to reply, just let it hang on dead air. "I'll come to you, stay put." I didn't know how she was going to figure it out, but I didn't want to put her through this again. Neither of us could survive it, especially not with Oliver in the picture. I couldn't constantly make her put me above him.

  "I'll call Lorens. I'm fine." Then I killed the call and laid down again until it was beginning to grow dark outside. I didn't want to be here when Nikolas returned home.

  Once I'd stumbled into a cab, I was painfully aware how much my clothes still smelled like the two mean I'd trusted. The cold truth slapped me in the face, assaulting me. I doubled over in the cab, trying to breathe. I could do this. I dialed Lorens' number finally, my fingers trembling on the screen. He was a friend of my grandmother's and he'd watched out for me when I first came to New York. He was the little family I had left. I spent a lot of my time staying with him before I came to New York with Ame.

  "Lorens," I croaked. "It's good to hear from you."

  "Cece. Dear, you sound awful." His voice was soothing on the other end. His paternal instinct had kicked in immediately.

  "I feel awful. I can't think straight." I needed someone to be near right now. I realized now that couldn't be Nikolas or Julian. I'd been wrong to think it could be more than just sex.

  "What happened? What's wrong?"

  "Can I tell you about it later?" I felt myself falling apart again. I didn't feel like I could drop that on Ame. Not after what she did to put me back together again. "Actually, can I also ask a favor?"

  "Of course, Cece."

  "Can I stay with you for a week or so? Fly out immediately?" He hesitated briefly. "I need to get out of New York for a little while." I paused, thinking I asked too much. I couldn't drop all my problems on people.

  "Jonathon will be so excited to hear this. He hasn't seen you in forever, dear! Don't think twice about it. We'll see you when you arrive."

  "Ciao."

  "Ciao."

  I didn't even feel human as I went through the motions of getting into my apartment. I triple-locked the doors tonight and pulled out the blackout curtains. Clicking on my phone, I booked the soonest flight out to Providence. I'd laid here until I found a reason, or strength, to get up for my flight in the next six hours. Then I cried throughout the night until my voice was raw and I passed out from exhaustion.

  Chapter 17

  "Laurel!" I barked from my desk, knowing she could hear me. She ran into the room, teetering on her too-tall heels.

  "Yes, Mr. Bertrand?"

  "I need to know how many more meetings I have today. And where are the StrideCorp files I asked for? They were supposed to be in my hand an hour ago."

  "Four, sir." She pointed to the edge of my desk, strewn about with papers. My desk had never been this messy before. "I put the paper on the edge of your desk like you asked, sir." I looked through the papers, my frustration mounting, before I finally found them.

  "Sorry, Laurel. Thank you, that's all." She smiled nervously before leaving me alone and closing the door behind her. I ran a hand through my hair, needing to burn some of this energy off badly. I gripped my jacket in one hand and my cell in the other. I'd deal with StrideCorp later today. I shoved my door back open, stomping out of my office. "Laurel, can you push back my meetings to this afternoon?" I didn't wait to hear a response and jabbed the button to take me down to my Lexus.

  "The gym," I said through clenched teeth, trying and failing to relax in the backseat as my driver pulled into traffic. It was slow going around noon, but I searched my cell while I waited. No new messages.

  "Dammit!" I cursed, throwing my cell away from me and onto the floor. I should never have left Cecelia alone that day, I should've just fucking stayed with her like she wanted. I didn't know what the hell to do now that she wasn't answering my messages or calls. When I came to her apartment, the front desk said she was gone on business and didn't know when she'd return. I'd fucked up, and Julian had fucked things up further for me.

  I'd been massaging my forehead all morning, trying to dull the headache that refused to go away. Why hadn't she been answering me? The question ran rampant through my thoughts the past three days. I hadn't heard or seen her in three agonizing days. To make matters worse, Julian was skittish all of a sudden, having nothing to offer me for help. Helplessly, I picked up my cell from the car floor and tried messaging her again. I
waited the rest of the car ride apprehensive, but when we pulled up to the gym and she still hadn't answered, I couldn't take it anymore. I dialled back to my main office.

  "Garrett," I said, clipped.

  "Mr. Bertrand. What can I do for you?"

  "I need some low-key work done. Immediately. Do nothing else until you finish this. Understand?"

  "Yes. What do you need?"

  "I need you to trace a number and give me as many details as you can."

  "Go ahead." I rattled off her cell, taken aback that I'd memorized Cecelia's number. I fished through my contacts and decided to be thorough.

  "Actually, this number too." I gave him Julian's. "How long?"

  "Within two hours I should have all the info you'll need, Mr. Bertrand."

  "Good." I jammed my thumb into the end call button and stormed into the gym. Thankfully, my trainer wasn't on lunch break, not that it mattered. I paid him whatever he wanted to always be available to me. Scott didn't have a problem with money; nobody around me did.

  "Another surprise visit in the same month?" Scott approached, looking as chiseled and clean as he always did. I appreciated that about him. "What happened to you being a creature of habit?"

  "I need an intense workout. Make it brutal." My fists were clenching and unclenching around my cell, some part of me hoping she would just reply on her own. I didn't like the idea of invading her privacy like that, she was the type of woman who didn't take anything from men, which made me want her all the more.

  "Whatever you say. I'll see you on the mats." He slapped my shoulder and walked away, leaving me to my business. Once I'd changed, I checked my cell one last time, disappointed again. What the hell happened to her? Did she just go on vacation and turn her phone off? No, something had gone down when I was gone, otherwise Julian would be chiming in right about now.

  My workout was aggressive, practicing jiu–jitsu, Scott pushed me to my limits. I was covered in bruises from all the hits I'd taken, but I'd managed to hold my own toward the end of my workout. I felt a little easier now that I'd burnt some of my stress off. I checked my cell, expecting nothing, when I saw Cecelia had finally replied to me.

  I just need space, Nikolas.

  Where the hell are you, Cecelia? I need to talk to you.

  I don't want to talk about it right now. If you're so bent out of shape, talk to Julian.I tried replying to her, but she cut off communications again, leaving me just as pissed off and in the dark again. I clawed through my contacts and pressed dial.

  "Hello?" Julian's voice sounded tired. I didn't give a shit.

  "What the hell is going on?"

  "What do you mean, Nik?" I slid back into my Lexus, returning to work.

  "Fuck you. Cecelia disappears and doesn't contact me, you're suddenly not interested in anything. Then, she finally does respond to me, and all she says is to talk to you." He sighed on the other end.

  "Look. Things are complicated with my ex right now. I can't say I didn't try with her. It would've been cruel to not tell Cecelia that."

  "You're pathetic," I hissed into the phone.

  "Screw you, Nikolas. You're the one who only gives a shit about fucking her brains out, then bailing. Did you honestly think that was okay?" I wasn't ready for him to say that, and I didn't have a reply. Had I fucked this up all on my own? Should I even try to contact her if I'd really treated her exactly like David did? My skin crawled at the thought of her seeing me in the same way she saw David. I was sure Julian didn't even know about David and Joseph, so how could he be so much better at this than me? The grim realization filled me that I couldn't get to Cecelia without his help.

  "You're right," I finally said. "I fucked up."

  "Excuse me?" His voice was genuinely shocked.

  "You're right. Can we meet for coffee somewhere? I need your help."

  "Some of us work, Nikolas."

  "I'll pay triple whatever wages you lose if you take the rest of the day off right now." He cursed, then I heard rustling in the background.

  "Fine, pick me up – I'll text you my address."

  "Be there in 15."

  "Goodbye, you moron." I clenched my jaw as I pressed the end call button and ordered my driver to take me to the new address instead of my work. Not long after that, Julian was sliding into the backseat of the Lexus.

  "What the hell is so urgent that you couldn't wait?" Julian folded his arms across his chest, his leather work bag at his feet. I noticed how well he was dressed despite it being so casual. A checkered button-up shirt, a deep grey tie, and some fitted dress pants. His shoes were a matching brown pair of Oxfords. As always, he lounged easily in my car, making himself comfortable.

  "I need you to tell me what happened after I left for work that day in my penthouse. She was fine when I left." My head swam, the headache thumping against my skull.

  "I told her about Sidney and me, how it was complicated and I had to think. I told her I'd probably give Sidney and me another shot."

  "How did she take it?"

  "I dunno. She seemed sad, obviously, but she looked fine when I left her there. I had to get to work too. I was going to call you to come back for her, but she demanded that I just give her some time to cool off. She said she didn't need you." His words hit me in the gut, knocking the air from my lungs. I slumped into the seat, feeling like shit.

  "I need to find her," I blurted in the silence of the car.

  "Don't do it, man," Julian warned. "She straight-up said she needed space to sort things out." My head fell into my hands as I leaned forward. For once in my life, I didn't know what to do. It was incredibly maddening. We pulled up to the cafe and I recovered slowly, gesturing for Julian to exit first.

  "Americano, please," Julian ordered politely once we'd sat down.

  "Tall. Black. Thank you," I ordered.

  "So, why do you suddenly care about Cece now?" His hand twirled a spoon between his fingers, waiting for my answer.

  "I've always cared."

  "No, you haven't," he pointed out. I lifted my head up to his. I hadn't realized that at some point, Cecelia had turned from a conquest to my own personal addiction. She'd taken hold of me completely. The server dropped off our drinks at the table.

  "I ... I thought she would be there when I got home that night," I admitted. "Everything was supposed to be good."

  "Well, I don't know what else to tell you, man." He sipped from the coffee the server brought. "Are you sure you didn't do anything else? I mean, I know I probably made things worse because of Sidney, but I have no idea what she's thinking. Or where she is." I thought about what he said, feeling like I'd hit a dead end. What was I supposed to do now?

  I canceled all my meetings for the day and went straight home, falling onto my freshly changed sheets. I couldn't bring myself to focus on work; I'd only hinder my company if I was there. Besides, I paid my employees well to take care of things for exactly this purpose. I laid on the bed above the covers in sweats, leaving my chest bare. I was too pent-up to relax, but too tired to do anything else. I felt oddly exhausted.

  I'd never been in a relationship like this before; all of these emotions were difficult to understand, but I wanted to make anything work if it meant keeping Cecelia around. Then again, if Julian was leaving us, that meant it was just me and again. I hadn't considered that angle. I wondered if that's why Cecelia had left in the blink of an eye. She made it clear last time that she wanted both Julian and me. Shit.

  My phone rang, disturbing the silence, and I looked at the caller I.D. I frowned; it was my cousin. Odd that he, of all people, was calling me at this hour. I was irritated that he wasn't Cecelia.

  "Hello."

  "Yeh, yeh're an ass, Nikky." My cousin was obviously drunk, but I had no idea what he was talking about.

  "Jonathon, why are you calling me drunk at this hour? It's 2 in the morning."

  "Well. You're clearly not sleeping, now are ya?" He cackled on the other end of the line, and I heard a woman's voice laughing in th
e background. My entire body froze, recognizing the laughter.

  "Who are you with, Jon?"

  "Wouldn't you like to know," he slurred. "No. I'm … I'm gonna tell ya." He paused, likely to take a drink. "I'm with my dear, sweet Cece. Whom you have royally fucked up with, little cousin." My worst fears were being realized.

  "Put her on the phone now." My chest was pounding, furious that she had gone there. How did she even know my relative?

  "No. I'm calling specifically on her behalf. Mostly because you're an idiot, and I'm disappointed in you."

  "Jon, put her on the phone!" I yelled into the phone. I could hear Cecelia shouting back, her voice sounding far off. It was like a punch in my gut.

  "Cece says no. How could you, Nikky? She's basically Lorens' little sister. She's family. I practically helped raise her. You've broken my little girl's heart."

  "Just let me talk to her, Jon." I was pleading, barely containing my anger over the phone. "I still don't know what's going on." Cece yelled again from the background.

  "She says you and Julian just used her, just like David and Joseph. Lorens doesn't tell me everything about Cece because she's his. But Jesus, Nikky, you fucked up." Jon must have stumbled and tripped over something, because my ear was filled with the sound of rustling and grunting noises and shouts.

  "We're done, Nikolas." Her voice was slurring and she struggled to get the words out. I couldn't tell if she was completely drunk, crying, or both. My temper flared. I couldn't take this anymore.

  "Cecelia, god fucking dammit! I don't know what the hell happened, but I haven't been using you!"

  "She's gone, Nikky," Jon said, putting himself back on the phone. I was pacing back and forth in front of my bed, seething with rage. Suddenly, Jon's voice leveled out and he was speaking clearly. "Listen, Nikolas. I don't know what you did, but she's a mess. You need to get here as soon as you can if you actually care about her, which if you were smart, you do. Lorens is with her now, but she needs you."