Complexity

by Maxene Novak

  "What?" He shrugged. "Why do you have to stake a claim on me? Why can't you trust me, let me be me, and accept that?" He chose not to respond, looking at his toes. "You're unbelievable. What do you want from me, then?" I stared incredulously.

  "I already told you. I want to be near you, hold you, touch you."

  "Then why do I always feel like you're trying to keep me caged up like an animal?" He looked fiercely at me, annoyed with my comments.

  "I'm not doing this, Cecelia," he warned. He only served to provoke me now. "You know how I feel." My face heated.

  "You only need me because I'm still shiny and new. That's it, isn't it?" Nikolas reeled as if he'd been punched in the face again, his eyes wide. I was too insecure to take back what I'd said.

  "Is that how you feel about me? What you think about me?" His voice low now.

  "What else am I supposed to think?" I crossed my arms, feeling the chill in his penthouse. He refused to look at me after I said that. I stood there uncomfortably for a while, hoping he would reassure me, or comfort me. But he didn't move from where he was standing, looking out a window, away from my stare. Finally, he spoke, and I felt my chest lurch inside of me.

  "I think you should go." He said it evenly and barely audibly, but I heard him clearly. My heart began beating fast, and I felt humiliated to be standing in front of him naked. I brought my hands up to cover myself and ran back to the bedroom, holding back tears.

  I slipped into the nearest clothes I could find, stepped into my nude Louis Vuitton heels, snatched my matching Hermes bag, and ran back out of his place jabbing at the elevator down button, just wanting to get out of there and away from Nikolas. Why would he say something like that? Why couldn't he just show me affection? Was he really that dependent on physicality, that he couldn't handle the rest?

  The doors finally opened and shut behind me. I felt some sting when I noticed Nikolas didn't move or even try to stop me when I left him; he just stood there motionless and let me go. I leaned against the edge of wall, supporting myself. I felt like an idiot, self-destructing like this. Julian had told me that he wanted to work things out with Sidney, and I understood. I wanted to stay in touch with him.

  Nikolas had no right to take that choice away from me to see Julian. My breath came faster now, as I worked myself up over this mess. The doors opened and I stomped out into the lobby before striding down the street. Tears stung my eyes while I called Ame.

  "You're a mess without me," Ame stated, not bothering with hello.

  "I know." I wiped at my face, thankful for once I didn't have any makeup on. "Want to come over once I get a damn cab and we can just hang out at my studio? I need to paint." I felt guilty for ignoring my work for so long, especially when it was therapeutic.

  "Sure. I'm bringing Oliver, so no painting naked this time."

  "Fine," I groaned mockingly. Ame put me at ease.

  "See you in a few."

  "Yeah." I slid my phone into my purse, enjoying the walk in the sun for once. I threw my hair up in a bun as I went, clearing the back of my neck from strands of hairs. It had rained heavily the night before, nearly stranding me in Providence, but today it was brighter than ever. I took a deep breath as I walked, half-heartedly hailing a cab after a few blocks. I wondered if Julian was going to be happy with Sidney; I hoped so, at least. I didn't want him to be angry with me; I didn't know if he was trying to see me.

  I'd call him after I spent some time with Ame and got some painting done. Maybe Oliver would bring some of my favorite Zinfandel. I felt a hint of a smile come across me then. Oliver and Ame were some people who I'd let slip away from me, only running to them when I needed help. I wanted some time to just be with them. I gave the driver more than enough money when I'd reached my studio and made my way upstairs.

  I could smell the paint and sex as soon as I walked in. I shuddered, recalling that amazing night that was now a bitter memory. Things had gotten so complicated, and it couldn't help but feel like it was my fault they ended up that way. I should've just chosen one of them. But then, Nikolas was so possessive, restricting, almost. If I'd chosen him, I probably would've ended up here anyway. Plus, I may not have gotten to know Julian as well as I had. Steeling myself, I kicked off my heels and tossed my designer bag onto the couch, setting off to clean my studio. It was long overdue anyway.

  I had stripped all the sex-covered sheets when Ame and Oliver let themselves in.

  "Oh, my god," Ame said, taking a breath. "It smells like a brothel in here." Her voice sounded unimpressed.

  "Shut it, I'm trying to get rid of the smell."

  "Opening the massive windows that line your studio would probably be a good start." She eyed me condescendingly. Oliver was carrying a fairly obvious bottle in his hand, throwing his coat onto my island bar. My face lit up.

  "Is that my favorite?" I skipped over, beaming at him.

  "Do you even drink anything else?" He grinned back at me. "By the way, this is for me. I don't know what you're going to drink." He laughed while he reached for three wine glasses from the cupboards behind him. I think I only had wine glasses in those, frankly.

  "Well good. I'm thirsty after cleaning this mess." I gestured to myself and the apartment.

  "You keep doing that. We're going to watch some T.V. while you sort yourself out." Her voice was devoid of emotion, but she squeezed my shoulder when she walked by. Oliver handed me a glass of wine, and the two of them settled into the couch comfortably close.

  I was almost done painting, covering my baggy T-shirt and stained shorts as I swiped dynamically across the canvas, marring it with dark and bright colors. I felt the stress and anxiety fall away from me with every stroke I took. I missed painting, the feeling of it. I decided on a deep blue, gently dabbing it in corners, highlighting and contrasting the blacks in the shadows. I was backing away to see if there was anything else I wanted to add to it when Oliver burst into a fit of laughter.

  "I can't believe these kinds of people are real." They were watching So You Think You Can Dance and someone was trying and failing to jump into the splits. The contestant was wearing a tight, bright bodysuit. I couldn't help thinking that this person, in particular, should probably have opted for some looser clothes instead.

  "Can you wear that outfit for me sometime?" Ame arched her brow at him.

  "Not even if you paid me." Oliver choked some wine down in between chuckles. "I don't even think I own anything other than suits and T-shirts." I shook my head affectionately at them, happy together. It was nice that they came just to be around. They both understood sometimes you just needed to have someone in your space even if you're not talking.

  I drew my attention back to the art, feeling like it was finished, when I realized what I'd painted. It was the outside of Nikolas' apartment, but at night time. The lamp lights that spotted every few yards, the towering size of his apartment building, zooming out of view before you could actually see where his penthouse was. Even the Lexus outside the front of the door made me feel like I had just returned from that flight back home on his jet.

  It was a weird feeling, remembering how happy and secure I'd felt, compared to now, where everything felt like it was going wrong. Guilt climbed inside me, weighing me down. I wanted to call Nikolas now that I'd cooled off about what he'd done. I knew he was just trying to make things easier on me, giving me space to let go of Julian. I'd been hurt by his actions and lashed out, not caring if I hurt him back.

  I stepped into the other room and dialed him, but after five rings, it went to his voicemail. I rubbed my forehead, a bad habit if I wanted to avoid acne, and tried texting him.

  I'm sorry for what I said back there earlier today. Can we talk about it?I knew he wouldn't respond, at least not right away, so I headed back out there and flopped onto the couch opposite the lovebirds.

  "Going to make a career out of dancing, Oliver?" I said, straight-faced.

  "I hurt just thinking about doing the splits." He winced on cue. We laughed for the
rest of the night and enjoyed hanging out and watching hilarious and ridiculous shows. I came back from grabbing the fresh bedding when Ame and Oliver got their jackets on, ready to head out.

  "Thanks again for the hangout. It's been too long." I kissed Ame's cheek.

  "I like excuses to drink wine and fondle my husband." Oliver blushed.

  "Why are you two such weirdo geeks?" He rolled his eyes and turned around. "Alright. I've had enough mocking today. I'm going home." He waved goodbye to me over his shoulder before heading into the hall waiting for Ame.

  "Call me anytime you need a drink." She kissed my cheek goodbye and made her way to the elevator, her Jimmy Choo heels clacking against the hardwood as she went. I locked up behind her and set to making my bed, feeling refreshed after today. I checked my phone to see if Nikolas had responded but was disappointed to see he hadn't. I tried calling him one more time, but it went straight to voicemail. Confused, I wondered what he could be doing that would make him turn off his phone.

  Jealousy and uncertainty filled me while I crawled into bed, wearing just my ratty T-shirt. He'd only turn his phone off if he was ignoring me, or with another woman. I obsessed for the next hour if he could and would move on from me that fast. It didn't seem unreasonable, since he made it clear he wanted me to go. If he was done with me, why not move onto the next thing? The pit in my stomach worsened, and I pulled the covers over my head, willing sleep to come.

  The next day I felt like shit. My hair was a knotted mess, my face hurt, the bags under my eyes had only deepened. I felt like an abomination. Groaning as I went, I slipped into the shower, feeling the water splash onto my back. I stuck my face in the heat until it felt somewhat fresh, and patiently detangled and took care of my rat's-nest hair. When I got out, everything felt a little better, at least physically.

  I tried texting Nikolas, seeing if he would answer me, but still nothing. I didn't want to come off as desperate, but I was getting nervous. I was the one in the wrong, so I had no one to blame but myself for being a jerk. I tried texting Julian instead, hoping I wasn't interrupting anything.

  Cece, girl. What's up?

  I was hoping maybe we could grab some coffee if you're free. If you're with Sidney, then don't worry about it.

  She's at work right now. I'm free now.

  Oh awesome then! Meet at Bistro 11?

  Sure, haha. Sounds good.

  I slipped into a pale green Versace dress, grabbing some 4-inch silver Louboutins, and headed out. My Gucci bag swung at my side as I headed the few blocks to the bistro. It wasn't far and I was feeling kind of hungry. If Julian took a while then I could eat something until he showed up.

  I ordered a bagel, ignoring the alarming amount of carbs it contained, and sipped at some green tea. I'd just finished the last bite of my bagel when Julian showed up, looking fabulous like he always did. Some dark green close-cuffed stretch pants and a loose grey sweater hung off his surprisingly broad shoulders.

  "Hey, sorry my studio's super close, so I just grabbed breakfast."

  "Ha, that's okay. I'm just going to have some coffee anyways." He fell into the chair, relaxing immediately. He seemed at ease, like when I'd first met him. I liked to see him not so worked up and stressed out. He and Nikolas would have been terrible if they stayed together any longer. A pang of guilt darted through me, believing it was because of me that they'd both suffered. "You know, pouting doesn't actually look good when you're in public, Cece." He interrupted my sulking session, and I snapped back into why I'd asked him here.

  "Sorry, I spaced out for a bit." I sipped some more tea. "I just wanted to make sure that you and I are good. I know you said you wanted to stay friends, but I get how being exes can sometimes get in the way of things."

  "We're good, Cece, girl." I relaxed my shoulders. "Just because we're not hooking up doesn't mean I don't still like you. Not in a sexy way, but in a 'I wanna watch movies together and gossip about celebrities' way.”

  "Sidney's okay with that?"

  "Sidney's great, actually. It's like she flipped a switch and doesn't even care that I'm bi anymore. It's amazing being with her again." His eyes shone speaking about her.

  "That's great. I'm really happy for you."

  "Me? How's hooking up with Mr. Stormclouds going?" He eyed me from his coffee cup.

  "Not so great," I said vaguely.

  "Mm hmm?"

  "I freaked out that he was trying to keep you away from me. He had no right, but I got insecure and said some hurtful things. Now he won't take my calls." I tried to smile, but it seemed too artificial.

  "He'll come around," Julian replied without missing a beat. "He's obsessed with you." I cocked my head at him, thinking he was crazy.

  "I have a hard time believing that. It feels the other way around."

  "Mmmmm, pretty sure it's not, honey. Why do you think he got punched for keeping you hidden away?" He flicked his wrist, gesturing for me to answer.

  "I just thought it was because you two couldn't stand each other. That you were only together for my sake."

  "Please, Nikolas would do anything for you. That doesn't mean he'd do anything for me." He leaned across the table. "How can you not see that about him?" I stared blankly. "You're hopeless. Either way, just give him some time. He'll find you, trust me."

  "If you say so."

  After we finished our drinks, I invited him to my show next week; it was going to be a small one. He happily accepted, and I headed back towards my apartment, glad that I'd at least managed to keep Julian in my life. I worried that I'd pushed Nikolas away for good. I just had to focus on getting ready for my next show and trust that what Julian told me was right.

  Chapter 20

  Cecelia had called me again, and I let it go to voicemail again. If it were her a week ago doing that, I would've been the happiest man. But if she thought that I was just using her for her body after everything we'd talked about, I had no interest in seeing her. I leaned back in my office chair, looking out at the skyline. It was so vast and open, yet I felt closed off.

  I'd been dodging Cecelia lately, not wanting to deal with the fact that she didn't trust me. I planned to ignore her until she gave up and then moved on, but she always found her way back to the forefront of my mind. It was infuriating that she still held this much control over me when I was so angered by her. I wondered if I'd ever be able to move on from her at this point. My hands folded in front of my lap, trying to pretend I didn't care.

  Laurel walked in then, calling for me. "There's a Christof calling for you. I put him on hold."

  "Thank you, Laurel." She smiled at me with a bit more affection than was necessary, but I ignored it. If it made her happy, then so be it. I picked up the phone and greeted him.

  "Christof, how are things?"

  "Nikolas. They're going excellently. Things are looking up for us already. I can't thank you enough for helping like this."

  "Don't mention it, Christof. It's a business investment."

  "Art is a risky business," he warned me.

  "I had faith in your skills. I wouldn't have funded it if I thought otherwise."

  "I appreciate it." I heard him sip from a glass then come back to the call. "I was actually calling about another gallery. It's owned by an Iris Bowman, do you know her?"

  "I've met her once or twice." I scowled thinking about Iris and her protégée, Cecelia.

  "I think they're my only real competition, mainly because they house the two best artists in New York."

  "I'm aware." I gripped the phone in my hand.

  "I was wondering if you could look into them for me? One of them is having a small show tomorrow and I thought it would be a good opportunity to avoid doing anything that they're doing." I paused, unsure how to respond. I wasn't aware there was a show. Was it Ame's, or Cecelia's? Curiosity made me wonder what the show was featuring.

  "I'll take care of it, Christof. Tchuss."

  "Danke, Nikolas! Tchuss!" I slammed the phone back on its cradle and ponde
red why she hadn't told me. Well, she probably had, but I'd ignored her. Shit, now I had to take care of things.

  I wasn't aware with how much I was avoiding seeing Cecelia, yet it hurt that she didn't inform me of her show. I leaned back in my chair, my eyes on my cell now, staring at it. I wanted to check to see if she didn't invite me and I was just being an ass, but the other part of me didn't want to show weakness.

  I couldn't restrain myself anymore, reaching for my cell and looking at my texts. I looked through them until I found Cecelia's contact and looked through them all.

  Hey, I just want to talk. I'm sorry.

  If you don't want to see me that's fine. I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry.

  You're probably not even reading these, but if you are, I'm having an art show later this week. I'd like it if you came.

  I stared at the multiple messages she'd sent, reading them several times, not taking the full impact of them at first. What the hell was going on with her? She told me she didn't trust me; how was I supposed to trust her now?

  I pushed out of my chair, standing to look out the windows. I didn't want to give in, but it was uncontrollable how badly I wanted to see her.

  I paced around my office then, unsure what to do. She said she was sorry so many times now, but I didn't need her. I couldn't take her not trusting me, especially after it all.

  Then my phone vibrated, snapping me out of the repetitive circle my thoughts were running in. I looked down to see it was from Julian. I snorted; what did he want with me now? Surely decking me in the face was enough for him.

  We need to talk, Nik. I can come to you if you can't get away.

  I won't let you hit me again so you can feel better, Julian.

  Haha fine. I'll play nice. I'll come to your work in the next 30 mins.I looked at my phone to see it was just after 11 in the morning. I wondered what plans he had in store. If he wanted Cecelia that badly, he'd still have to go through me.

  That thought caught me off-guard. I had told myself I didn't need Cecelia around, yet I couldn't stand the thought of Julian having her instead.