Holding Her in Madness

by Kimber S. Dawn

  I chuckle against her neck. “No, baby, not bad,” God, she smells so fucking incredible. “That’s good. Really fuckin’ good.”

  I slow my fingers and cup her face with my other hand when the innocence in her voice and her question is finally processed, and before my brain can reject it, I steel my resolve.

  “Lil, baby...open your eyes. Look at me.” Her eyes are so damn drunk I doubt she can even see me straight.

  I don’t want to ask her this question, and ninety-nine point nine percent of my bastard brain is trying to lock the words in my throat to keep them from coming out, but the point one percent, the last good sliver of percent, has to know.

  “Lil, tell me you’ve done this before.”

  I want her answer to be both yes and no. Yes so I can keep going, yes so I don’t ever have to stop, and no because the thought of her like this with anyone besides me does fucked-up shit to my mind.

  “I’ve done this before. Please, Leo, don’t stop.”

  She’s lying.

  I stretch my finger straight inside her, shoving it back until I meet resistance and feel it.

  FUCK! SHIT! FUCK. FUCKING FUCK!

  “Oh my...yes, yes, please don’t stop.” I watch as her eyes roll back into her head again.

  “Lil, stop. Look at me right now.” Her dark blue irises blink up at me, and she pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. For a second, I talk myself into believing the devious lie…that I don’t have my middle finger on the evidence of her virginity.

  A virgin!?

  “Baby, I’ve got my finger right on it. I feel it, Lil. You’re a fuckin’ virgin?”

  “Wait...wha?” Her confusion would be cute as hell if my cock weren’t ready to fucking ruin her. “Please, please make the ache go away. I’ll fucking beg you if I have to. Please!”

  God, no. I can’t…

  I won’t hold myself responsible if she starts begging. I pull my finger from her, and it physically cripples me to roll away. “Lil, I... Shit.”

  I drape my arm over my face in an effort to hide her sexy, naked form from my sight as well as the shame and mortification I know can clearly be seen in my eyes.

  I never even asked this girl how old she is. It never crossed my fucking mind that something as fucking hot is she is hadn’t ever been touched.

  I moan when I feel her trembling thighs straddle my hips.

  She’s trying to fucking kill me!

  “Leo, please, please don’t do this to me. I never led you to believe any different, did I?”

  She’s gonna kill me, there is no way around it.

  “No, baby. But I can’t take this. You don’t even know me. I was a complete dick to you earlier. Jesus, look at where you’re at. You’re in a shithole. I can’t take this from you here, baby. I’ll hate myself.” Self-disgust unfolds inside me. It feels like someone just punched me in the balls but grasped them before pulling away.

  It fucking hurts something goddamn wicked.

  “Hey.” Her hands cup my face, forcing me to look up in her eyes. “No, Leo. Fuck that! Look at me, dammit.” Our eyes lock again. “Do you think I didn’t know what I was getting into when I came out with you tonight or when I walked in here with you?”

  Her eyes water with unshed tears, making me feel like even more of a fucking asshole. I don’t know what the fuck to do. I know what I want, but what I want is not what I deserve, especially like this.

  “I’m not trying to get you to take anything. I’m giving it to you. Only you, and not because I have to, but because I want to, baby. Please…” Her eyes are begging mine, causing my chest squeeze in agony. “Please let me give it to you.”

  My resolve thins when I hear her voice cracking around her words.

  I hold her face in my hands, searching her deep pools of blue. “You sure, Lil? You’re absolutely certain, baby? Because I refuse to. I’ll drive you home this second if you are not one hundred percent sure.”

  “Yes, Leo. I am without a shadow of a doubt one hundred percent sure. Hell, I was sure the second I laid eyes on you, baby.”

  Something unlike anything I have felt in all of my eighteen years snaps and floods inside me. The complete honesty I hear in her voice causes me to react to her words on a fundamental level, shoving her back against the mattress and my hand back between her sexy little legs, my mouth fucking devours hers, showing her how much I’m willing to take…whatever she is willing to give.

  “Baby, thank you. I don’t know why you chose me, but fuck, thank you so much, Lil,” I whisper against the skin of her shoulders and collarbone, biting and nipping before licking away the sting. “Promise I’ll take care of you, ‘kay, baby?” I slide my finger back into her wet, tight pussy before I slowly begin moving it in and out, intent on building her back up to the edge.

  “Please, Leo.” Her begs come out through her choppy, heavy breaths. “I can’t take this anymore, baby. Please.”

  “Shhh, okay, baby. I got you,” I whisper against the shell of her ear before sinking my teeth into her earlobe and slipping a second finger into her. Using my thumb pad, I circle her clit before I start pumping my fingers faster, harder, until I hear her wetness echoing through the small room and feel it running down my wrist. Both have me clenching my molars through the inside of my cheeks and tasting blood.

  My little firecracker is going to make me bust a nut before I can even get inside her, dammit.

  “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.” Her pussy clamps down around my hand tight as fuck.

  When her hips start jerking out of rhythm and I feel the convulsions begin, I growl against her ear, “Mm hmm, that’s it, baby. Come on, Lil. Give it to me. Give me that cum, baby.”

  That.

  That’s all it takes.

  That one verbal demand and my girl is coming apart right fucking there underneath me. And I’ll be damned if she doesn’t resemble something religious.

  “Jesus fucking Christ, you’re beautiful, baby. Shit, that was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

  My hands swallow her face while I watch entranced as she floats back down to earth. Her eyelashes flutter open and a smile dances across her face.

  I use my torso to align my cock at her sopping-wet entrance.

  “Lil, look at me, baby. You gotta listen to me, okay?” A lazy nod is her only response. “I’ve never done this before, okay? Been with a virgin. I think it’s gonna hurt. That’s what I’ve been told, so you gotta tell me, baby. Do you want me to go fast and get it over with or do you want me to go slow and ease you through it?”

  Please say fast. Please say fast. Please say fast.

  “Fast, Leo. Get it over with fast.”

  Thank fuck!

  “Okay, baby, but you tell me to stop if it hurts too much, okay? Lil, look at me,” I say as calmly as I can, trying hard not to grit my teeth to dust. “Okay?”

  “Okay, I will. Promise,” she whispers, smiling up at me.

  “Keep your eyes on mine, baby. I gotta be able to read your eyes. You hear me, Lil?”

  “Mm hmm.” She nods.

  As soon as her eyes flutter open and she focuses those beautiful blue eyes on mine, I unleash all my restraint, slamming my cock deep inside her.

  She’s so fucking goddamn tight it makes my vision tunnel.

  Her scream viciously yanks me back, away from the edge, and I’m frantically grasping for any remaining control over the reins I released only seconds before.

  I go as still as I possibly can, my cock still buried to the hilt inside her tight fucking grip before I choke in some breaths to help clear my vision, and I find my voice. “You okay, baby? Shit, of course you’re not. All right, I just...” I shake my head before I plead her with my eyes. “Shit, Lil, do you want me to stop?”

  “Hell fuckin’ no! You didn’t just slam through my virginity to pull out now!” I watch her tears slide down the side of her face and into her hairline. Seeing them makes me want to kick myself in the balls for hurting her.

  “
Okay, I just wanted to make sure, baby. You want me to stay still for a second?”

  “No, I... I’m okay.” Her hands squeeze my shoulders and she nods. I stare at her in wonder as she gathers her determination up around her then smiles before telling me, “It’s okay, Leo. You can move, baby.”

  Keeping my eyes on hers, I rock my hips slowly, watching her expression for any signs to stop. I don’t know what possesses me—probably my hunger for a taste of her—but I reach down, getting my hand wet with her arousal before smearing it across her breast for my starving mouth. I savor a slow lick across her nipple.

  As soon as her taste ricochets through my mind, I swallow her entire nipple into my mouth and quicken the pace of my thrusts.

  Her hips meet mine push for push and pull for pull, making me want to shout my undying love and devotion for her like a lovesick poet, and by the graces of God, I’m able to shut my mouth from spewing the crazy shit my chest and mind has spilling out.

  Her nails sink into the skin of my shoulders and the pain instantly causes my cock to seep pre-cum. My mouth falls back to her nipple and laps up the rest of her arousal, and my hips are pistoning into Lil harder and faster. “Fuckin’ taste good, baby. So damn good.”

  “Shit, Leo. Shit, baby.” When I feel her wetness on my thighs, my control begins slipping once again.

  “Not hurtin’ anymore, baby?” I whisper between kisses along her jaw and neck.

  “Oh Gawd no. Shit, you feel so good, Leo.” Our wet skin slapping together, her moans, and my growls of hunger are the only other sounds in the room besides our whispered words.

  But none are as loud as the words in my mind screaming bloody fucking murder, trying to spill the confession that I already fucking love her.

  It’s either scream the words or let my cum scream from my cock. Rational thought process thankfully intervenes and chooses the latter.

  “So damn tight. You feel like Heaven. I can’t keep going, baby, I can’t... I been fixin’ to cum since I first slammed into you. I can’t...”

  “Let go, baby. Let go,”

  When I unclench my eyes, I look down to see her smiling up at me like an angel… I allow myself to let go, snipping the last thread of restraint. I slam my cock into her as fast and deep as I can possibly get until my entire body seizes from the inside out. My fingertips bite into the soft flesh of her hips as her tight, wet pussy clenches around me, milking every damn drop I have to give.

  “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCKING HELL YES! Dammit, Lil!”

  This woman is a witch, she’s an angel, she’s my epiphany. She’s my beginning and my end.

  Lil is my everything.

  My world tilts on it axis in this exact moment and never truly rights itself again. Never.

  I’ve fallen so fucking far in love with this woman that I know in this second I will never recover from what just occurred. I will never love anyone the way I love her. And it scares the fuck out of me but I don’t give a good goddamn. She is MINE. Bring the hell and flood the high waters—I will never ever let my firecracker go.

  As soon as I pull my mind from thoughts of our eternity in wedded bliss with a happy house full of children, I realize Lil is frozen rigid beneath me.

  SHIT! I’ll kill myself if I hurt her!

  “Baby, you okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?” I search her face for any sign of pain, but all I see is fear—so much fear it causes my blood to run ice cold.

  “You didn’t put on a condom? I’m not on birth control. Why didn’t you put on a condom?” Her voice is shrill, and I’m having a hard time stringing together the meaning of her words.

  Once they process, I’m confused. Why is God’s name would I ever wear a condom with her? I have a whole wallet full of condoms, but they aren’t coming between us. Hell no!

  “What? No, I...I wasn’t going to use a condom with you. No way in hell, baby.” Is she serious? She isn’t taking anything that just happened between us as serious as I am. It dawns on me that maybe we aren’t on the same fucking page. Shit, we might not even be in the same fucking book.

  “But I’m not on birth control, Leo. What the fuck?” Is she pissed? Fuck, she is. She’s seething pissed.

  “Baby, hey, calm down. You think I’m ever gonna let you go? Especially after what you just gave me? You’re crazy if you think I’m lettin’ you get away,” I whisper, trying to calm her fears. “You’re mine. Do you understand me, baby? Mine. Forever. Period.”

  She needs to know this now. I need her to understand where the fuck I stand with her. She’s mine, dammit. When she chose me to be the one, I chose her—forever.

  She needs to get that I’m not playing fucking games. It may have started off that way, but after what just happened, that’s it. My cards are all turned over. I’m done with the games.

  “Answer me, Lil. Do you understand me?” I’m pleading with her with my eyes and feel fear creeping into my chest. What if she doesn’t feel the same way I feel about her?

  “Yeah, Leo. I understand, baby.” My fear finally calms when I feel her body mold to mine and her hands in my hair, her lips whispering kisses against my mouth.

  I lie back and pull Lil’s body up along my side, tucking her head under my chin, and comb my fingers through her hair.

  Her breathing evens out and sleep pulls her under as I promise her, “I’m not letting you go, Lil. I’ll never let you go, baby.”

  I refuse to sleep with Lil in my arms like this. I don’t want to miss a breath, a moan, not a sleepy dream smile. I don’t want to miss a single thing. So I stay awake all night watching her sleep and memorizing every freckle on the tops of her shoulders, every curve and line of her face and neck, down to the swells and valley of her breasts, all while running my fingers through her long silky hair.

  When the sun peeks through the dingy motel windows the next morning, I whisper against Lil’s hair, “I love you, firecracker. I swear to God, I always will.” Then sleep steals my consciousness.

  I realize the next time I see Lil after our first date—if that’s what you can call it—that Lil doesn’t feel for me what I feel for her.

  And it fucking hurts like no other pain I’ve ever felt. It hurts like something wicked, but there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. So I let it ride and play it cool. I keep my fucking mouth shut.

  It’s the following Thursday and she just walked outside. She has a smile across her face and the sun is shining through her hair. It takes everything in me to stay where I’m at and not haul ass over to her and wrap her up in my arms. So instead I light a cigarette and nod her way. “What’s up, Firecracker? You ready for your surprise?”

  Fuck yeah! Just look at her. Watch her.

  She’s comes running towards me and lets out a squeal right before launching her little ass into my arms.

  “What are we doing? I just got Jules down. April said she’d watch her the rest of the day for me. Now tell me! Where are we going?”

  Her legs are wrapped around my waist, her arms around my neck, and she’s leaning back to talk, and with every word, she hops-slash-rocks her hips against mine. It is fucking driving me insane and making my dick hard as fuck.

  “I don’t give away secrets, baby. You gotta learn that shit starting now. And if you don’t stop hopping on my johnson like that, we ain’t gonna make it out of this damn front yard, you hear me?” I kiss her quickly and slap her ass. “Hop down, babe.”

  “Why did you tell me to bring my swimsuit?” She pulls something hot pink and black out from the front pocket of her cut-off shorts.

  “What the fu—? Jesus Christ, don’t tell me you just pulled your bathing suit out of that pocket. That pocket couldn’t hold fifty cents, Lil.” I reach for what she has in her hand right as she yanks it out of reach and jumps back, shoving the suit in her back pocket.

  “Don’t show my goodies until I hear the secrets, baby. You better learn that shit starting now.” Her smirk makes her eyes dance and my cock twitch. It also has me chuckling at her bravado. />
  “That so, firecracker?” I stalk towards her and she starts walking backwards. My longer stride has me gaining on her more quickly, and she knows I’m about to swoop in and grab her ass up.

  She tries to turn and make a run for it and trips over the sidewalk she didn’t know was behind her, but I leap forward, catching her before she hits the ground, then toss over my shoulder while I jog a few steps before resuming to walk down the street.

  “Yes it is so, dammit! Leo, put me down!” Her tiny little fists are punching me in my ass and I can’t help but laugh as her weak attempts. “I’m gonna piss on you!” Her laughter turns high pitched when I tickle her sides and her damn foot swings up, nearly making contact with my face during her spastic attempts to fight and flee at the same time.

  I slide her down my front but keep my arms locked around her so she’s nose to nose with me, my stride never wavering as I continue walking with her in my arms. “I like you, firecracker. More than I fuckin’ should. I like you.” I kiss her nose and set her down, and we keep walking. She slides her little hand in mine and it makes my chest twist and my heart beat fast.

  “I like you, too,” she whispers, looking up at me in my peripheral. When I turn to look at her though, she ducks her head and tucks her hair behind her ear. Something she does when she’s nervous.

  I wonder if I’m the only person who’s ever noticed this nervous tick of hers.

  There is a whole fucking lot of shit I know about Lil that I knew before I fell for her. I just didn’t know I knew. I realized while watching her this week that I knew all these things about her before now. That’s how much I was watching her before I let myself admit that I was insane over this girl.

  I thought I was watching her to make sure she was kept at a distance, but apparently my mind is like a sponge where Lil is concerned, because I picked up every nervous tick of hers. I learned and watched every time she let her mask slide and let the real Lil show. Every time she felt hurt or unsure of herself, I watched as that same mask fell back into place.