Better vs. Worse

by Mary E Thompson

  It didn’t.

  Every time I watched her leave, it gutted me. I wanted to ask her to stay, but she made it clear she wasn’t interested in more than a quick fuck.

  It was my own fault, but it sucked. I was the one who pushed for a sex only relationship. I thought it would make it easier. That maybe I’d get her out of my system. Wow, was I stupid.

  I caught up to Sawyer one afternoon. It had been far too long since I looked at the pictures I saved from the tsunami, but I still wanted Sawyer to check them out.

  “What is this?” he asked when I handed over the red leather bound album.

  “I found it on the beach in all the debris. I hoped you could do something with it.”

  He opened it up and thumbed through the pages. Some of them stuck together, but most of them flipped with relative ease. The pictures inside the covered pages weren’t in great shape. If anyone could do something with it, Sawyer could.

  “Do you know these people?”

  I shook my head. “No clue. I asked around when we were cleaning up but no one knew who it belonged to.”

  “They could be from another part of the island,” Sawyer offered, still flipping through the book. “How are you going to get it back to them?”

  I shrugged. I hadn’t worked that part out yet. “If you can restore it, I’ll do everything I can. If not, I’ll still try. Social media? Flyers? I don’t know. I doubt the police will care.”

  “This is Hawaii. Everyone cares.”

  I grinned. Sawyer was becoming one of us. I wasn’t sure about him when I opened the door and found a tiny pasty guy on my doorstep, but he’d embraced island living. I had no doubt I’d be calling him my brother one day, too.

  “I’ll see what I can do. Some of these might not be salvageable, but I’ll do everything I can.”

  “Thanks.”

  I was halfway to his door when he said, “How are things with Ada?”

  I turned and fixed a confused look on my face. “What things?”

  He shrugged. “Just things. Kiana said it was a little tense last week when they stopped by to go surfing. Something about an ex of yours being there.”

  Wait, what? What did Ginny have to do with Ada? “Ginny?”

  Sawyer nodded. “Yeah, her. She said Ada was annoyed that you were with another woman.”

  “I—” I sucked in a breath and squashed my frustration. “Ginny is my best friend. It’s been years since there was anything between us besides friendship.”

  “How come I never met her?”

  “Because you’re always so far up my sister’s ass you can’t see your own nose.”

  Sawyer glared at me.

  I stared him down until he rolled his eyes and nodded.

  “Fine. You’re right. But still. If you’re that close, why didn’t I meet her?”

  “She spends time on Oahu. She’s a surfer. She’s only been back here a few weeks.”

  “And you never thought to mention her?”

  “What the hell, dude? You want a rundown of every woman I’ve ever met? You’re living with my sister. Why do you need to know about any other woman?”

  He closed his eyes and turned away for a second, leaving me to wonder what the fuck was going on. Why was Sawyer acting like a jealous prick about my ex?

  “I thought we were friends, you know? Kiana mentioned this friend of yours that’s such a huge part of your life and I’ve never even heard of her. It bugged me.”

  I stared at him for all of five seconds before I burst out laughing. Ginny had nothing to do with Ada. Sawyer was the one who was jealous of her.

  “You’re jealous of Ginny. Are you kidding me?”

  He glared at me and headed for the door, brushing past me with a shove that was definitely intentional.

  I stifled my laughter just before he reached the hall and said, “Wait. Don’t storm off like that.”

  He paused and looked back at me.

  “We’re friends, Sawyer. Why is this bothering you?”

  He sighed heavily. “I had a group of friends in Winterville. People I hung out with. Sometimes I miss that. A bunch of them are coming here in a few months, but it’s not the same as seeing them all the time. All the people in my life are really Kiana’s people, but I thought of you as a friend.”

  “And I never told you about other friends of mine,” I said with an eye roll. “Listen, we’re good. I have friends, not many, but a few. I don’t think like a chick so you’ll have to forgive me for not having everyone over for a meet and greet.”

  “Screw you,” Sawyer said, but the heat chilled when his lips curled up.

  “Want to grab a beer this weekend?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. Bring Ginny.”

  I snorted. “Girl talk.”

  He flipped me off and left me alone in his office. Maybe I could use a friend.

  I spent the rest of the week designing a logo for my board company and working on the board. I finally finished it over the weekend and took it out onto the water.

  Ginny met me out there so she could test it out. It was too long for her, but she needed to try out the shape and tell me what she wanted hers to look like.

  “What’s this doodle?” she asked, running a finger over my logo.

  “Curvy Girl Surfboards. My company.”

  “Curvy Girl?” Her eyes ran down my body. “Things have changed since the last time we slept together.”

  I rolled my eyes at her. “Whatever. It’s what inspired me.”

  “Your curvy girl?” she asked, studying me closely.

  I nodded, admitting what she already knew.

  “She’s pretty. Your curvy girl. I like her.”

  I nodded again. I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to tell Ginny how into Ada I was and risk her feeling like she wasn’t enough for me. She wasn’t, but that had nothing to do with her and everything to do with Ada.

  “Are you making any progress with her?”

  I shrugged.

  Ginny smiled. “I wondered if the extended time you two spent in the kitchen helped. Kiki kept saying she should check, but I asked her a lot of questions. Boy, your sister can talk.”

  “About certain things,” I agreed with a smile.

  “Yeah, I asked about her work and her boyfriend, and it was over. So are you and Ada together now?”

  I shook my head. “She doesn’t want that.”

  Ginny narrowed her eyes. “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah.” I scanned the beach, looking for something, anything, that would give me the opportunity to change the subject. I was not interested in telling Ginny how Ada rejected me over and over again.

  “She looks at you like you’re everything she’s ever wanted and she wants to eat you with a spoon.”

  “The sex is good, but the rest of it isn’t happening. She wants a chance to sleep with whomever she wants. And it’s not always me.”

  “I think she might be putting you on.”

  I shook my head. “Nope. She comes over for sex and leaves. That’s it. We don’t date. We don’t spend the night. We don’t do anything other than have sex.”

  “Sounds like the perfect relationship for you,” Ginny teased.

  I laughed mirthlessly. “That’s the shit part. I always wanted that because I wanted her and knew I wasn’t enough for her. Now, I’m stuck in a relationship like that with her because I’m still not enough, but I can’t get out of it because it’s all I have of her.”

  “You should tell her.”

  She didn’t have to elaborate. I knew exactly what she was saying, and the answer was a big, fat no. “You’re funny.”

  “I’m serious.”

  “It’s not what she wants, Gin.”

  “But what—?”

  I cut her off with a glare. “Why don’t you try out the board? You can tell me how it feels.”

  She waited long enough for me to know she wasn’t happy about the subject change, but she accepted it anyway. She traded boards with me and sat up
on my new one. She moved side to side to get a feel for it and paddled into the next wave that came our way.

  I sat on her board and watched her fly across the ocean. She rode it like it was a part of her, the board glued to her feet effortlessly.

  It worked. Hell, yeah.

  When Ginny paddled back out with a grin, I asked, “How was it?”

  She shook her head. “That’s the best board I’ve ever ridden. You have to make me one.”

  I couldn’t stop my smile. “Yeah?”

  She nodded. “Absolutely. It’s totally kick ass. I’m going to win and be able to walk away from the plantation with this board. Are you sure you can make me one?”

  I nodded. “Yep. I already have all the supplies. We need to get the size right, but it won’t take me long now that I’ve been through it once. I can have it in two weeks.”

  “Perfect. I’ll have plenty of time to test it out here before I head over to Oahu. You rock, dude.”

  I accepted her hug and tried to grab my board back.

  She paddled away, splashing me in the process. “Huh uh. I’m still surfing. Get your own board.”

  “That is my board,” I shouted as she caught a wave and headed toward shore.

  I followed Ginny in after a few more rides and got to business on her board.

  “Purple?” I asked.

  “Of course,” she said with a grin and a flip of her purple braid.

  I let myself slip into a different mode when I talked to Ginny. She was someone who understood surfing the same way I did. She loved it as much as, or more than, I did.

  We fell into an easy conversation about the shape of her board, the length, and the feel of it. Ginny liked my board enough that she wanted to keep hers similar but smaller so it fit her.

  We worked and reworked the template I had until we came up with something that worked. She wanted to be a part of the process and asked to help every step of the way.

  “You’re still helping me with the lesson next week, right?”

  “Yeah. I’m good with that. How many people?”

  “Eight. Six guys, two women.”

  “So I’ll handle the men, you get the women.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, something like that.”

  “Kiki trusts you with a bride? How far off is the wedding? Long enough to heal?”

  “Ha ha. You’re so funny.”

  Ginny snickered and ran her hand down the length of the template. The excitement in her eyes made me want to start working immediately. I could already see her board in my mind. If I could bring it to life, it would kick start something for me. I was sure of that.

  “Have any of them surfed before?”

  I shook my head. “Kiki said some, but no one has been here so count on newbies.”

  Ginny was quit for a few minutes. I wondered what she was thinking with the faraway look in her eyes.

  “You know, it was really good to catch up with Kiki the other day. Her guy sounds pretty amazing.”

  If I wasn’t mistaken, that wistful look in her eyes said she was wishing she had what Kiki and Sawyer had. “Yeah, Sawyer’s great. It’s been kind of a whirlwind, but she loves him.”

  “I want that one day,” she confessed, confirming my suspicions. “Someone who makes me smile when I just think about him.”

  Ada flashed into my mind and my lips curled up. When she was over the night before, she lingered for a few minutes after sex. She told me about a new company she was working with. A trio of best friends decided to start their own company doing tours of the island. The women were worried that they wouldn’t be taken seriously with their name, and Ada helped them come up with a new name for their company.

  She amazed me every day, but the more I learned about her work, the more impressed I was with her. She was crazy smart. I soaked in every word she said, knowing I could gleam some unintended advice from her experience.

  I thought many times about asking her for some help, but I wasn’t going there. When she was done with us, I would think about it, but as long as she wanted to sleep with me, I wasn’t risking messing that up with business advice.

  “See that,” Ginny said, pointing at me. “I want that look. I want someone to make me that happy. You’re lucky you know.”

  I shook my head. “Ada and I aren’t like Sawyer and Kiki. What we have isn’t going to last.”

  “Says who?” Ginny pushed.

  “Says her.”

  “If she wanted it to last, what would you say?”

  The idea of Ada ever wanting more of me than just my dick had me dizzy for a second. I didn’t want to think about it because then I wouldn’t be able to go back to what we had. I was okay with what we had, but the cold hard truth was I wanted more.

  And I wasn’t going to get it.

  “It’s not gonna happen so it doesn’t matter,” I told Ginny.

  “But—”

  “Gin, I love you, but no. I know you mean well, but that expression you see on my face that you want? It’s one I don’t want. I never wanted to get so attached to her. She doesn’t want me, not the real me. She likes me for sex, something I more or less talked her into. But me? She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t love me. And she’s not going to fall for me. I wish I had something like Sawyer and Kiki, but I don’t. And I’m never going to.”

  Ginny examined me closely, but finally nodded. I wished she would argue. Tell me I was wrong. Try to convince me there was something else there. But she knew the truth just like I did.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I stopped by Opposites Attract Thursday afternoon to see Kiki. I hadn’t heard from her in a few days, and I had the day off, so I thought I could see if she and Sawyer had dinner plans.

  Something was definitely off when I stepped inside the office. There was a smell that I couldn’t pinpoint. Something that drew me to the back of the office and straight into the kitchen.

  “Oh, shit. I didn’t know you were here,” I said when I saw Micah standing over the stove.

  He turned and grinned. “Kapena, right? Kiana’s brother?”

  I nodded and shook the hand he offered.

  “It’s good to see you again. Did you come for the wedding? Food won’t be ready for a little while, but I have some appetizers in the fridge if you’re hungry now.”

  I shook my head. “There’s a wedding tonight?”

  Micah nodded and went back to stirring something in a huge pot. He had one of those white chef’s coats on. It hung almost to the edge of his shorts. He wore sneakers, smart in the kitchen, and had his hair covered with a net.

  “I didn’t realize. I was going to see if Sawyer and Kiki wanted to have dinner.”

  “Why don’t you just stay? Kiana will have downtime. Sawyer should, too. I made extra food. There’s plenty for you.”

  I didn’t like change. Maybe that was unreasonable, but change was never fun for me. My life changed when I found out my parents were considering divorce. It changed again when they died and I took Kiki in. It changed recently when Ada and I started sleeping together.

  But small changes fucked me up even more at times. When I had my head set around something and it didn’t work out. A restaurant is closed, a woman doesn’t give me the right number, or my sister hires someone I don’t want her to hire.

  I had no right to tell her who should work for her, but I didn’t like Micah. He was slick. I could tell. He wanted everyone to think he was this good guy who was just looking for a job, but there was more to it. I just hadn’t figured out what it was yet.

  “I should find Kiki, but tha—”

  “Hey, Micah, you got something delicious I can put in my mouth?” Ada asked, walking into the kitchen from the dining room.

  She didn’t see me. Her eyes were locked on Micah’s. He grinned at her, his face lighting up like she was the center of his damn universe.

  I growled. Like a fucking animal, I growled at them.

  Ada finally realized I was there and smiled at me. “Hey, Kapena. W
hat are you doing here?”

  “Not the same thing you’re doing,” I said. My breath huffed in and out through my nose. I was so pissed off I wanted to choke the shit out of him. He was screwing her.

  Ada laughed. “Micah saves food for me so I can eat before the weddings. I end up starving by the time dinner rolls around, and Micah is ridiculously talented.”

  She said the last part looking up at him, the sexual implications dripping from every surface in the kitchen.

  “Well, I’m glad you found what you’ve been looking for,” I ground out, then turned and walked away.

  I wanted Ada to follow me. I knew it wasn’t right, or fair, to expect her to, but when she didn’t, it hit me hard.

  Sawyer was on his way inside when I hit the fresh air. “Hey! What are you doing here?”

  “Leaving,” I said, walking past him.

  “Whoa, wait. What happened?”

  I didn’t want to talk about it. Admitting my faults to myself was one thing, but telling another guy that I wasn’t enough to keep Ada satisfied was tough. Guys didn’t do that. We had endless confidence in our abilities between the sheets.

  Telling another guy that the woman I’d been sleeping with for a few weeks was also sleeping with someone else was a blow to my self-esteem that I wasn’t prepared to absorb. It was bad enough to know she came to me after Micah, or ran to him after me, but confessing all that to Sawyer was less appealing than supergluing my nuts to my shaft.

  Besides that, starting a conversation with Sawyer about sex would lead to one of two places. One, he’d bring up sex with my sister and I’d kill him. Or two, he’d bring up sex with someone he knew before my sister and I’d kill him.

  Either way, it wasn’t a good idea.

  “I’m good,” I told him and kept walking.

  “Don’t make me get your sister,” Sawyer threatened. “You know she’ll walk away from this wedding to come after you.”

  Sonofabitch. He knew how to get me.

  I spun and glared at him. “I thought you were my friend.”

  “Excuse me?” Sawyer said, a low, menacing tone that meant he didn’t like the implication that he wasn’t.

  “Ada and Micah? You didn’t think to tell me something was going on?”