Better vs. Worse

by Mary E Thompson

  “I’m sorry. They just found out like you did. They were here and saw the boards. I didn’t set out to tell them.”

  Sawyer nodded, but the look in his eyes told me he didn’t get it. “Yeah, okay. Well, I gotta go. Thanks for the beer.”

  I followed him down the hall, but there wasn’t anything I could say that would change how he felt so I watched him go.

  Dammit. I went from being psyched about the boards to feeling like shit on a shoe. And there wasn’t anyone I could blame.

  Ginny came over that night with dinner and good beer to celebrate the new contract I had with Anderson Franklin. She was just as excited as I was, but my argument with Sawyer was still weighing on me.

  “Why aren’t you jumping off the walls? Worried you can’t finish in time?”

  I shook my head. “Nah. I’ll have it done. Sawyer saw the boards earlier. He was pissed that I never told him I was making them.”

  “It’s only been a few weeks. Do you tell him when you take a leak, too?”

  I laughed like she intended, but we both knew that wasn’t the point.

  “I get it,” Ginny said. “You guys are good friends. I’m just here because I’ve always been here. If we hadn’t known each other forever, we wouldn’t be talking still.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Really?” she challenged. “Because I doubt most of the women you date would be interested in knowing about me.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t date. I have sex. Sometimes more than once. But it’s not dating.”

  “Really? Then what are you doing with Ada?”

  I glared at her. I didn’t want to defend what was going on with Ada. I didn’t like it, but that didn’t mean I could change it. I wanted whatever I could get from her.

  “You should tell her how you feel.”

  I snorted. “Yeah. That’ll happen.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because she doesn’t want me. She wants the image she has in her mind of me. I’m the guy she fucks to pass the time until she can find the next guy who’s worth her time. I’m not the one she brings home to introduce to her family.”

  “I thought you already knew her family?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Not the point. What I’m saying is she won’t care how I feel. If she does care, it’ll be to say she’s done because she doesn’t want this to turn into more than sex.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “I just do, Gin. You need to drop it. I’m not changing my mind, and you’re not going to convince me otherwise.”

  “Fine,” Ginny said in that way women did where you knew it was anything but fine. She stood with her plate, carried it to the sink, rinsed it, and put it in the dishwasher, then turned to me. “I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow for the lessons.”

  “Ginny, wait.”

  “No, it’s good. I know my place. I’ll stay there tomorrow.”

  “Gin!”

  “Goodnight Kapena.”

  For the second time in a day, I watched someone I hurt walk out the door and knew I couldn’t do a thing to stop them.

  When Ada showed up an hour later, I really wasn’t in the mood for sex. I would have loved if she asked me how my day was, and told me all about hers. I wanted someone to talk to, someone who could give me advice and help me figure out what to do.

  But the problem I had with both my friends centered around the woman in the black capris and purple tank top. The woman who made me forget how my tongue was supposed to work when she stripped out of her clothes and walked to my room. The woman who was only there for sex, and then would leave.

  She did exactly that. I couldn’t deny her. We didn’t talk during sex. Our bodies moved together like we were meant for each other. A voice screamed in my head to tell her that, but I told it to shut up. Afterward, when Ada was collecting her clothes and getting dressed, she finally looked at me.

  “Are you okay?”

  I nodded and lied to her face. “I’m good.”

  She studied me for a few seconds. “Are you sure because you look like something’s bothering you. Sawyer said he brought you that photo album earlier. Have you heard from anyone about it?”

  I was surprised Sawyer told Ada anything about that. It didn’t matter if he did, and I wasn’t upset with him, just shocked. Especially after the disagreement we had.

  “I haven’t heard from anyone.”

  “Is that what’s bothering you?” she asked.

  I took the lead and went with it. “Yeah. I figured if those were our pictures of our parents, Kiki and I would want them back. It sucks to lose something like that. I’m hoping we can find whoever they belong to.”

  “You guys put up flyers, right?”

  I nodded.

  “That should help. I think it’s great that you’re trying so hard to get it back to the owners.”

  I hated lying to her. It wasn’t right. She was everything to me, even though I’d never tell her that. The things I’d never tell her were stacking up.

  She left a few minutes later. Watching her leave with a smile on her face was the hardest one of the day. She didn’t know there was something going on. If she did know, she didn’t care. Yeah, she asked me if I was okay, but it was the polite thing to do. Especially after sex.

  She didn’t really want to know. She was gone. She showed up for sex and left when it was over. I finally got a piece of Ada, a piece I’d dreamed of forever, and I hated it.

  I was starting to wonder if things would have been better if I’d never laid a hand on her to start with. God knew my life would have been simpler.

  But then I’d never have had her. And I wasn’t sure I could live with that either.

  No matter what, I was screwed.

  Chapter Twenty

  I was up early the next morning waxing all the surfboards. Sometimes I made the clients do it, but since this group was paying so much, I went ahead and made it a little easier. Then we could get out on the water faster. Surfing was just what I needed.

  Ginny met us on the beach shortly after the group got there. She gave me a tight-lipped smile that killed me. I hated fighting with her. Even worse was knowing the fight was all my fault.

  I needed to find time to talk to her before the day was over. She’d forgive me for being an ass like she always did, but I owed her more than a lame apology and a promise I wouldn’t do it again. We both would know that was a lie. I had a tendency to be an ass.

  We divided the group up the same way as the first lesson, but I took the guys and gave Ginny the two couples. Jerrod and Jamie grumbled that they were stuck with the dude instead of the hot chick, but the other two didn’t say a word.

  We got out on the water after a quick reminder of the rules. No dropping in on someone else. No pretending to drown. And absolutely no getting hurt. I wasn’t up for a trip to the ER. Kiki would definitely kill me if that happened.

  The guys followed me out to the surf and lined up around me. Cole’s brother, Chad, and his best friend, Greg, listened to me as I talked about the waves coming in. They gave each other space and took the first set one after the other. I watched them surf, impressed that they’d picked it up as quickly as they did. Not that they were ready for pipe, but they could hold their own on a longboard.

  Jerrod and Jamie were a different story.

  “I was going to do that,” one of them grumbled.

  “It was my wave,” the other one argued.

  “Guys, this is the Pacific. There are plenty of waves for everyone. Just chill a minute. This is Hawaii. We take our time here.”

  They both rolled their blue eyes at me. Neither of them dressed for surfing like I told them to. Bare chests and wax didn’t go well together. It was great for keeping your feet in place, but hell on your skin. Might pluck a few hairs out, too.

  I had to admit, I was kinda looking forward to that.

  Chad and Greg were back out before Jerrod or Jamie stopped arguing and hopped on a wave. There was a good set comi
ng in, and I told them to go for it.

  “Get ready, guys. Who’s going first?”

  “I am,” the both said.

  “Decide now. Someone needs to paddle,” I shouted at them.

  They both took off, side by side. The wave came up under them and caught them both, yanking them toward the shore.

  I sat up and watched, knowing it wasn’t going to be good. Jerrod, I think, had the edge on his brother, but he was slow to get up and dragged his hands through the water, slowing him down.

  Jamie, on the other hand, leapt to his feet almost immediately. He moved faster with the weight toward the tail of his board. He picked up speed and was heading straight for his brother.

  The whole thing happened in slow motion. Jamie edging closer to Jerrod. Jerrod turning his head to yell something I couldn’t hear at his brother. Jamie waving his arms as though that would help Jerrod get out of the way. Jerrod losing his balance and falling forward instead of backward.

  I tried to shout, but it was pointless. They collided and both went down.

  “Shit,” I yelled, paddling to ride whatever bit of a wave I could find to shore.

  Jerrod came up holding his nose and swearing. Jamie came up sputtering and choking water out of his lungs. They both made it to the beach before I caught up to them.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “No,” Jerrod snapped. “My brother broke my fucking nose.”

  Fuck.

  “It wasn’t my fault. Why did you stop? The hot chick told us to jump to our feet when we felt the board jerk forward. You just laid there,” Jamie accused.

  “I was waiting.”

  “For what? Christmas?”

  Jerrod got up in his brother’s face, and it was officially time for me to step in. Letting them wail on each other might make me feel better, but Kiki would shit kittens if they were broken and bloody for the wedding.

  “Look,” I said loudly, putting myself between them, “surfing is not some pansy-ass sport, or something you’ll ever be successful at when you’re a douche. When you’re on that board, you gotta book it or you’re getting run over.”

  Jamie snickered.

  “And when someone gets a wave before you, you don’t drop in on them and fuck them up. You both acted like fucking children out there.”

  The matching glares thrown my way almost made me laugh. Did they think I actually gave a fuck if I hurt their feelings? They weren’t getting hurt on my watch. No matter what.

  “I don’t really care what kind of shit is happening between the two of you. It doesn’t matter to me if this is how you always are or if one of you stole the other’s girlfriend or anything. You’re on my dime right now. You’re here to learn to surf because your cousin decided he wanted to bring you along. It doesn’t really matter to me if you want to kill each other, but you’re not going to do it here or now.”

  They rolled their blue eyes and glanced at each other. I was officially their combined enemy, which gave them the opportunity to be friends again.

  “Is your nose actually broken?” I asked Jerrod.

  He pinched his nose and pushed it gently from side to side. When he didn’t even wince, I knew the answer.

  “I’m good.”

  “Good. Now, do you two want to get back out there and surf, or do you want to kick each other’s asses on the beach? Because I’m going back in the water.”

  They grumbled for a few seconds but followed me. When we reached the others, Jerrod moved to the far side of Chad and Greg, away from his brother.

  I finally got them all surfing, catching waves in rotation like they actually knew what they were doing.

  All of them were riding waves easily by lunch time. They took turns and spread out so they all had more space. They were finally acting like they wanted to be there instead of spoiled children forced to enjoy themselves.

  We grabbed another lunch delivered by Kiki and went back out into the water.

  “So what’s your story, Kapena? You and Ginny together or what?” Chad asked when Jerrod and Jamie grabbed waves and headed to shore.

  I shook my head. I expected the question, but it surprised me it was coming from Chad and not Jamie or Jerrod. “Nah. She’s my best friend.”

  “Things are a little icy between you two today. What did you do?” Greg asked.

  I smirked. “I didn’t do anything.”

  Chad and Greg both laughed. “We’re both married. We know how women’s minds work. You’re not going to fool us into thinking you didn’t do something that pissed her off.”

  Well, that was news. I figured they were single. Not that it mattered either way. Ginny didn’t mention it, though. Then again, Ginny only wanted to talk about Ada and how I was an idiot for not telling her how I felt.

  “We’re good. Or we will be. Ginny always forgives me for being a jerk.”

  “It’s nice to have a woman like that around. Are you sure you two aren’t together?” Chad asked.

  I shook my head. “That’s a great set coming if you guys want to grab it.”

  They both watched the waves for a few seconds before paddling into them. Chad caught the first one with Greg behind him. I watched as they jumped to their feet and flew toward the beach. Jerrod and Jamie came back bitching at each other again.

  “Do you two ever get along?” I asked.

  Jerrod shrugged. “Not really. He’s an ass.”

  “Fuck you,” Jamie said.

  “That’s the best you can do?”

  Jamie rolled his eyes. “Is Ginny single?”

  I glanced at my friend. If I told them she was, they’d definitely hit on her. But if I said she was seeing someone, they might want details about the guy she was dating. Or it could be a trap so I revealed something she lied about.

  “She’s seeing someone. Sorry guys.”

  “Damn,” Jerrod said like he actually thought he had a shot. “Well, plenty more fish in the sea.”

  “It’s an ocean, dumbass,” Jamie countered.

  “You know what I mean,” Jerrod said.

  They paddled off, catching their own wave. I just shook my head.

  “She’s not really seeing anyone is she?” Chad asked from behind me.

  “Shit. I didn’t know you were there.”

  “That didn’t answer the question,” Greg said.

  “No. She’s not seeing someone. But she doesn’t need those two hitting on her constantly.”

  “You’re protective of her.”

  “She’s a good person, and my best friend. Of course I’d protect her,” I said.

  “I just don’t believe that’s all there is to it. It feels like there’s something besides friendship there,” Greg said.

  I shook my head. “Not here, dude. I love her but just friends. Neither of us are interested in anything more. We tried and it was weird.”

  “Are you sure both of you felt that way?”

  I nodded. “Absolutely.”

  “Well, if you’re lying to me for some reason, I’d say ask her out. The good ones don’t stay single forever. If you’re lucky, you’ll find one of those women all the other men overlooked, and you can show her how she should be treated. But don’t let her sit there forever thinking you don’t care,” Greg said.

  “Is that what you did?”

  Chad laughed.

  “Uh, no,” Greg said. “I definitely screwed up. Mindy was way too good for me when we met. Beautiful and kind and amazing in every way. She had this vision of how her life would be, and I didn’t fit into it.”

  “She wanted to travel,” Chad supplied. “Always wanted to see the world. And this dumbass was going to let her see the world on her own.”

  I nodded. “I can understand that. If she wants something you can’t give her, you’re holding her back if you tie her down.”

  Been there, done that. I felt like no one understood why I didn’t just put myself out there with Ada. She wanted things that weren’t me. She wanted a guy I’d never be. It was nice to
finally have someone who got it. Someone who understood what it was like to love a woman who’d never really love him back.

  Chad huffed and said, “You two are lucky you have people smarter than you in your life. Why does it matter that Ginny want to be a pro surfer? You can’t do that if you live here? Or what? Why can’t you go with her?”

  I shook my head. “The competitions are all on Oahu, but Ginny and I aren’t together.”

  “So it’s someone else you’re not enough for?” Greg said with incredible insight.

  I sighed. No use in hiding it. “Yeah.”

  “It’s a shitty spot,” Greg agreed.

  “It is, but it’s best for her. She deserves the world, and I can’t give it to her.”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “She’s always said she wanted someone stable. Someone who could provide for her and be there for her. Someone who wouldn’t leave at a moment’s notice. Someone with staying power.”

  “And you don’t have that?”

  I shook my head. Part of me wished I did. I wanted to be the kind of guy Ada wanted, the guy she deserved, but I wasn’t going to pretend to be something I wasn’t. It wouldn’t do either of us any good. I’d get restless and resent her for making me change. And she’d be in love with the version of me she wanted me to be instead of the guy I was. It would never work.

  “You seem like a pretty stable guy. What makes you think you aren’t?”

  “She’s a relationship kind of woman. The longest relationship I’ve ever had was a couple months. I don’t know how to treat a woman long term.”

  “Same as short term. You love the ocean. A woman is like the water. If you squeeze tight, she’ll slip away. But if you sit back and let her come to you, you won’t regret it,” Chad said.

  I held it together for about three seconds before we all burst out laughing.

  “Where did that shit come from?” Greg asked.

  Chad shrugged. “I think I’ve heard you say something along those lines before.”

  Greg shook his head. “I’m not that sappy. Or that stupid. You can’t let someone come to you. When you know you want her, you have to go get her. Tell her how you feel. She’s worth the risk. The fears that hold you back. Whatever she tells you she wants isn’t the whole story. She wants more. You need to tell her you want her.”