Better vs. Worse

by Mary E Thompson

  “We’ll see,” I said.

  Greg shook his head. “Tell her what you’re thinking. Ginny or not-Ginny, she should know how you feel.”

  “What is this, relationship hour? I’m supposed to be teaching you how to surf.”

  Chad laughed. “He can’t help himself. He’s a relationship expert.”

  “Yeah?”

  Chad snorted. “Yeah. Has the psychology degree and everything. He’s legit.”

  “Damn, I thought you were just messing with him.”

  “Nope. He thinks everyone around him needs a gentle shove in the direction of love.”

  I nodded. “I think a lot of us do.”

  When they all left, I asked Ginny if we could talk for a minute.

  “I’m an asshole,” I said without attempting to pass off what happened the night before.

  “Agreed.”

  “I’m sorry I was so…asshole-ish. I get defensive when it comes to everything about Ada.”

  “So I noticed,” she said, crossing her arms. “Why is that?”

  I shrugged. “Because I already know the answers. She isn’t going to be my forever. I want her to be, but she doesn’t want that.”

  “I still think you’re being short-sighted. I think she could be.”

  I sucked in a breath. That seemed to be the theme of the day. Kapena’s wrong.

  “She’s always said she wanted the kind of guy like her dad. Wealthy and generous and always around. She adores her father, and I’m happy she does, but I can’t be him.”

  Ginny tilted her head, a chunk of purple hair splatting on her shoulder. “Why not?”

  I sighed. “My parents were going to get a divorce. Before the plane crash I heard them talking. Their entire marriage was a farce.”

  “Wow. Okay, that sucks, but I’m still not sure what that has to do with you.”

  I closed my eyes for a minute to breathe. She was going to argue with me. She always did. But this time, she wasn’t going to win.

  “Everyone always told me I was just like my dad. I had his personality and looked just like him. When I was young, I was proud of that. The guy I looked up to the most was the guy I was going to be one day.”

  Ginny smiled. She loved my dad, too. She knew him well from working for her dad, but he was someone she went to when she wanted advice. It always bothered me that he encouraged her to try for a surfing career, but he discouraged it for me.

  “My dad wanted me to be just like him, too. When I asked him about the divorce, he admitted that he and my mom weren’t really suited. That he was meant to be free, and that seeing me helped him to realize it. He said I was just like him, but he wanted to be like me. He didn’t want a family.”

  “Oh, Kapena.”

  I shrugged. “It pissed me off, but I know it was the truth. He was never all that great of a dad. I loved him, but if I ever needed anything, I always went to my mom. My dad always seemed like he didn’t want to be bothered by us.”

  Ginny shook her head. “Again, though, what does this have to do with Ada?”

  I laughed mirthlessly. “I’d end up hurting her. If we got together, I’d get bored or want my freedom or something. We’d end up splitting up like my parents were going to, and I don’t want to do that to her. Can you imagine how my mom felt? Knowing the guy she was married to for more than twenty years didn’t want her anymore? I can’t do that to Ada.”

  Ginny smiled. Her head tilted to the side and the look of compassion she gave me about tore my heart out. “You’d never hurt her. I think that’s the most important part of this. She means so much to you that you’d rather not be with her at all than risk hurting her one day. Don’t you think that’s the kind of thing she should have a say in?”

  “It’ll still happen at the end, Gin. I’ll still hurt her.”

  “See, Kapena, that’s the thing. I don’t think you will. I don’t think you’re as much like your dad as you think you are. I think you’re the kind of guy who should be in a relationship. When we were together, I knew you were in love with someone else, but you never made me feel like you wanted to be with her instead of me. I wanted you to want me the way I knew you wanted her, but I knew you cared about me.”

  “And I hurt you,” I pushed.

  Ginny shook her head. “No, you didn’t. You showed me what love should look like. Letting go of you was the easiest thing I’ve ever done because I knew it wasn’t right. I knew I didn’t love you the way you loved Ada. We would have stayed together for far too long if I had my way, and it probably would have destroyed our friendship. You saved that. You saved this. Because you love Ada. She deserves to know that.”

  “Gin—”

  “For years, I’ve taken your advice. For years. I’ve come to you more times than I can count. You’ve spent all that time protecting the people you love. Me, Kiki, who I’m guessing doesn’t know anything about your parents?”

  I shook my head.

  “And Ada. You love all of us. But one of us has never heard you say those words.”

  “I love you, Ginny,” I said with a grin.

  “I love you, too, you big jerk. But we both know I’m not the woman who needs to hear that.”

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

  “You can do it, Kapena. It’s just three little words.”

  “There’s nothing little about those words.”

  “There’s nothing little about letting her go either. You keep saying one day she’s going to be done with you. If that’s the inevitable, what’s the harm in trying to hold on to her? You’re not afraid of a little risk, are you?”

  I smirked at her. Dammit, she was right.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Ada didn’t come over that night, but she let me know she was with Kiki getting things ready for the wedding. By the time I got up Saturday morning, I was ready to claw my skin off. I needed to talk to her. I felt antsy, and nothing I did made it better.

  Meghan and Cole invited Ginny and me to the wedding, so I went to Opposites Attract a little early to try to catch Ada before anything got started. She was performing the ceremony so she would be there.

  I still wasn’t on board with telling her everything, but I could admit I’d missed her. Maybe see where her head was in regards to making what we had exclusive, or closer to permanent.

  I stopped one of the waiters outside and asked if he knew where Ada was.

  “She was heading inside last I saw her. She’s here, though.”

  “Thanks,” I said and took off toward the office.

  The front was quiet, but I heard voices so I kept going. I expected to find Ada in Kiki’s office, but it was empty. I was about to leave when I heard her laugh. She was in the kitchen.

  With Micah.

  I knew it was wrong to listen to their conversation, but I couldn’t help myself. Especially when I heard him speak.

  “You should give stop pretending you don’t want some of this and come over here.”

  Ada laughed. “I’m not sure you could handle me.”

  Micah’s answering laugh set my teeth on edge.

  “You haven’t given me enough chances to try it.”

  Ada chuckled softly. “You’re a good guy, Micah.”

  “The best.”

  “Absolutely.”

  “That’s why we should stop pretending we aren’t in love with each other and just tell the world that we’re going to run away together.”

  Ada laughed again. She sounded happy. Free. Light. I couldn’t see her, but I didn’t want to. Just thinking about her and Micah together had me ready to barge in there and snatch her and carry her off.

  I turned and left the office before I heard anything else. I didn’t want anyone to catch me in there, and I definitely didn’t want to listen to them making out or, even worse, having sex in the kitchen.

  Lucky for me, Alvin was already setting up.

  “Whiskey, double.”

  “Rough day already?” Alvin asked as he poured.

/>   I nodded and emptied the glass, slamming it down and nodding to him to fill it up again.

  “You might want to take it easy,” he suggested. “It’s a long night.”

  I nodded. “Yep. Pour me another.”

  He did as I asked. Thank God.

  I took the second one a little slower. The burn of the alcohol soaked into me and took the fire off the edges of the pain. I struggled to figure out why Ada was bothering to sleep with me if she was in love with Micah, but I couldn’t pretend to try to figure her out anymore.

  I was officially done with Ada Stone.

  The wedding was as nice as a wedding could be for a guy who just found out the woman he loved was screwing someone else. When everyone moved to the tent, I camped out in front of the bar.

  I was still there when Kiki sidled up to me.

  “What’s going on?”

  “What do you mean? I’m enjoying the wedding,” I shot back.

  “Why are you hanging out here and drinking?”

  “It’s a party. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?”

  Her sigh tried to break through, but I was too far gone to care. Even about Kiki.

  “Did something happen?” Kiki asked as she pulled me to the side.

  I let her tug me out of the way, only resisting long enough to get my drink off the bar. She looked up at me with those eyes that threatened to tear me apart. I had to hold my shit together long enough to get the hell out of there, but I wasn’t ready to leave yet. I told Cole I’d be there. I wasn’t going to drop him like Ada dropped me.

  “I haven’t seen you drink like this in years. And never at a wedding. What’s going on? Talk to me.”

  I closed my eyes and nearly fell over, the alcohol making me more than a little dizzy. I reached out for Kiki and steadied myself, almost taking her down with me.

  “Jesus, Kapena. What the hell?”

  I shook my head. I was fucking everything up.

  “Maybe you should just go, Kapena.”

  “No. I told Cole I would be here. I’m staying.”

  “Then tell me what’s going on so I can help you.”

  I shook my head. “Nothing. It’s Ada. Which means it’s nothing. That’s all that’s between us. Nothing.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  I laughed, a shitty, evil laugh. Kiki had no idea what was going on. “Ada and I have been sleeping together for weeks. Every night she comes over, fucks me, and leaves. And I came here tonight to tell her I’m in love with her, but when I arrived, she was in the kitchen with Micah. And I should have known better because you told me she was sleeping with Micah. And if I’d just listened to you then I wouldn’t have—”

  “Wait, wait, wait. What the hell are you talking about? You’ve been sleeping with Ada?”

  “Yep. She didn’t want to tell anyone. She would show up after dark so no one would know. I’m not surprised you had no idea.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Kiki asked, those damn eyes gutting me again.

  “And admit to my little sister that I was making the biggest mistake of my life?”

  “Is that why you broke up Ada and David? So you could get together with her?

  “I didn’t do a damn thing to break them up. He was seeing other people, and I told him he needed to tell her the truth. That was it! You would have done the same thing if you knew. He wasn’t good enough for her, anyway. She deserves better.”

  “Someone like you.”

  “Yeah. No. No, Kiki. Not someone like me. Not me. She has Micah.”

  Kiki shook her head. “Are you sure about that? I thought she was with Micah because she was in a good mood, but if she was with you, then I’m not so sure.”

  “No. I heard them together, Kiki. She was with both of us, but they were joking about being in love. I was always just a stand-in. You know the kind of guy she always wanted.”

  Kiki sighed. She knew I was right. There was nothing she could say to argue with me because it was the truth. Ada always wanted a guy that was the exact opposite of me in every way. Micah didn’t completely fit the bill, but he was leaps and bounds closer to her dream guy than I was.

  “Kapena, I…I’m sorry.”

  I nodded. It was over. Done. And we both knew it.

  Kiki disappeared into the crowd and left me alone. I found a seat at an empty table and tried not to watch Ada. She kept glancing at me, a worried crease between her brows.

  I ignored her and sipped my drink. I couldn’t stop myself from glancing at her every few minutes, surprised when she kept looking my way.

  Ginny joined me at my table and followed my unintended gaze to where Ada sat. “Problems in paradise?”

  I snorted. “No such thing as paradise. Definitely not from my seat.”

  “I thought things were going well.”

  “Yeah, right up until I found out she’s sleeping with the caterer.”

  “Seriously?” Ginny said, looking around. She found Micah and glared at him.

  Damn I loved her. She was on my side no matter what. Blindly following me even though she had no reason to. But that’s what a friend did. That’s what you did for the people you loved.

  “He’s hot, but what does he have that you don’t have?”

  I snorted. “I wish we could fall in love. Life would be so much easier.”

  Ginny patted my arm. “There are so many things wrong with that statement, Kapena. I’m not even going there.”

  I put my hand over hers and smiled. She was right. Ginny was always right. All the women in my life were always right. Kiki told me not to mess with Ada because she was in too deep. Ada told me we could sleep together and not have it become a problem. I thought I could handle it all.

  I was wrong. They were right.

  Of course, Kiki was way wrong about why I shouldn’t mess with Ada. She had it all backwards. Ada wasn’t the one in deep. That honor belonged all to me. Ada was as flexible as a woman could be. A little of this guy, a little of that one, hell, she was probably getting a dash of the guy she was sitting with at the wedding.

  It didn’t matter anymore. It wouldn’t be long before she and Micah were official. It was best for me to go ahead and end things with her first.

  “Hey guys,” Ada said, smiling at us. Her gaze strayed to our joined hands and lingered.

  Ginny started to pull away, but I held her hand in place. She shot me a questioning look. I got it. She knew how I felt about Ada. Making it look like something was going on was a bad move, but there was no reason to let Ada think I was going to be crushed when she and Micah told the world they were together.

  “Ada. Hi. How are you? It was a beautiful ceremony,” Ginny babbled like a fool.

  “Thanks, Ginny. It’s nice that you two could be here.”

  Ginny tried to tug her hand free again. She caught me off guard and managed to remove her hand from mine. “Yeah. We were excited when Cole and Meghan invited us. They’re a great couple.”

  “Yep,” I added. “One of those couples that you know actually belongs together. That won’t screw things up because of something stupid.”

  Ada’s eyes widened. Hurt lingered in there, but I was too drunk to care. I wanted her to hurt.

  “Um, yeah. Well, it was good to see you both.”

  “Enjoy your night,” I shouted as she continued past us to the bar. “I should go get another drink.”

  “No,” Ginny said firmly. “I’ll get you one in a few minutes. Why were you mean to her?”

  I shook my head and lifted my glass, draining the last few drops from the bottom. The ice slid up and smacked me in the nose. Half of it escaped around the sides of the glass and fell to the ground under me. “Dammit.”

  Ginny handed me a napkin to clean up with and waited for my answer.

  “I wasn’t mean.”

  “Like hell. She walked away with her tail between her legs. I thought you were going to tell her you love her.”

  I laughed. “Love. There’s no such t
hing. I always knew it, but this just proves it. She said she wanted me, but she never really did. And now I’m even worse off than I was before. You know, I should go talk to her.”

  Ginny managed to restrain me until after dinner. Cole and Meghan had their first dance and cut their cake. I snuck away when Ginny wasn’t paying attention.

  I made my way through the crowd to the table Ada was sitting at. Since she was done with her job for the night, she was sipping a glass of wine and talking to the guy next to her. Another one of those guys who looked like they had a job as a lawyer or an investment banker or something else that was boring as all hell but made a shit-ton of money.

  I jerked my head to the side to get her to meet me outside the tent. Thankfully, she excused herself from Mr. Perfect and followed me.

  “Are you okay?” she asked when we were outside the tent.

  I forced a fake grin. “Absolutely.”

  “Are you sure? Because you seem a little lost tonight.”

  I laughed mirthlessly. “I definitely lost something tonight.”

  She nodded slowly. “It seemed like you were struggling a bit. Is there anything I can do?”

  “Nope.”

  She stepped closer, close enough that I could feel the heat radiating off her body and her breath on my cheeks when she spoke.

  “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were a little jealous that I was sitting with someone else. But see, I’m a smart woman. I saw you and Ginny holding hands so I know it really isn’t bothering you. You’d only mind if you had a thing for me. And you’ve made it perfectly clear,” she moved closer, “that you don’t want me.”

  “I heard you talking to Micah earlier,” I spat.

  She stepped back quickly, searching my eyes. “You did? What did you hear?”

  The wide-eyed look told me everything I needed to know. Guilt was written all over her face. It made me feel marginally better that she felt like shit, but the best would have been if she wasn’t ditching me for him at all.