Finding My Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “There was a shit storm in LA I had to meet with some people, see my dad, empty my flat and make some financial arrangements to protect you. It took longer than I thought and I’m sorry.”

  All I get from her in reply is a nod. I don’t know whether she believes me or not, but I’m never leaving her side again for as long as I live and one of these days I’m going to have to tell Jenna about my shitty father. Yes, I came to live with him when I turned eighteen, but that was because my mum made me. If she hadn’t, I’d still be a busker in Covent Garden or something. Mum made sure my dad and I established some kind of relationship, but that doesn’t mean I want him anywhere near my wife and baby.

  “You know, wifey, we need to decide if we’re going to tell people what we’re having.” I help her into the car and shut the door. When I get in, her hand automatically finds mine making me wonder just how serious she was about asking for a divorce. The only thing I know is that I never want to hear those words come out of her mouth again.

  “Let’s keep it a secret.”

  I bang my head against the headrest and look at her. She’s glowing, her hand rubbing her stomach. I lean over and kiss her before starting the car.

  “Your wish is my command, Sweet Lips.”

  I lean my head back on the headrest and turn my face toward the window. The afternoon sun shines through the window warming my face. My hand rests in Jimmy’s lap, our fingers locked together. His finger taps in beat with the song on the radio against the top of my hand. If this were weeks ago, I’d be looking at him and imagining what our child will look like; but it’s not and as much as I want to trust what he says, I can’t get over the suspicion that something is off.

  I know I’m a fool for getting into the car with him. I caved when he turned on his British charm and wooed me into believing that everything is okay. He didn’t say I was overreacting though or that my hormones are getting me riled up and that concerns me. I’ve never been the jealous type. With Damien, my friends never let on that they were attracted to him or desired him in any way, but Jimmy? With him I know. I see the way other women look at him. The way they throw themselves at him expecting – and at some point – receiving attention in return. Is he going to be like that when he goes on stage the next time? Will he touch their faces, caressing them like he does me?

  It can’t be easy changing who you are in the blink of an eye and that is what he did or should’ve done. I wasn’t kidding when I took my vows and I hope to God he wasn’t either. We may not be in love, but I want us to at least be faithful.

  My lips curve into a smile when I feel his hand caress my stomach. My shirt lifts and his lips are there. Jimmy places kisses along my growing belly from one side to the other whispering words only the baby can hear. My fingers thread though his hair, my nails scraping softly along his scalp. In our short time together, I’ve learned that he loves this and that it turns him on.

  My eyes remain shut. I feel like I’m dreaming and that when I wake up everything will be ugly again. Damien will be standing outside my window with the murderous look on his face, and next to Jimmy will be hoards of women claiming to be his mistresses. Keeping my eyes shut and my face toward the window is the best option for me right now. I want to relish in the attention he’s giving me before it goes away. Before my bubble is burst and some skinny girl shows up in Beaumont telling me that she’s been sleeping with my husband.

  When his lips find mine, I close my eyes tighter and submit to him. He controls me, drives me to the brink with just the simplest of kisses. I wish my body would fight him, ward him off, but it craves him. My body desires his touch and it has since we first met a year ago when he came to Beaumont. How I ever made it without coming onto him before the wedding is beside me. Having him in my arms that one night was the result of years of therapy teaching me to love myself again. Helping me discover that Damien and his fist could no longer hurt me, control me. When Jimmy came to me that night, I knew what I was doing. I wanted a piece of him like every other woman his path had crossed. I was no different in that way. I took him and everything he was willing to give me in an empty room on a pool table. Our story is definitely one for the grandkids.

  I cup his head, holding him to my lips. I want him to crawl on top of me and take me in the car. I’ve missed him and my need for him grows more urgent with each flick of his tongue against mine.

  “Jimmy,” I say against his lips. My hand travels down his neck, over his chest and to his belt buckle. I tug, pulling it out of the loop on his jeans. I palm his hard on, squeezing gently and I’m rewarded with him biting down on my lip. He stills my hand and I squeeze again, letting my thumb brush up and down against his bulge.

  “Wifey, you’re killing me. I’ve missed you so much, but right now we have somewhere to be.”

  “Why’d you stop the car then?” I ask, opening my eyes for the first time and looking around. Is it too much to ask for a little backseat action? I know I’m pregnant, but I’m not above breaking the law if it means I can get freaky with my hot ass husband.

  “Because we have plans and we’re here.” Jimmy looks out the window. I follow his gaze and realize we’re in a parking lot. I was so lost in my daydream that I wasn’t paying attention. Refusing to pay attention is more like it, but still the same nonetheless.

  “What are we doing at the Beaumont Country Club?”

  Jimmy shrugs. “Liam told me that we should meet him here.”

  “Do you play golf?” What a stupid question for a wife to ask her husband, but it shows that we don’t know each other very well. “I really don’t want to sit in there while you play golf with Liam.”

  “Sweet Lips, I doubt Liam plays golf or is even allowed on the course with his tattoos. Can you imagine someone telling him to cover them up?”

  “No, not really. So why are we here?”

  “I haven’t got the foggiest, let’s go find out.”

  Or not I want to say, but he’s out of the car before I have a chance to open my mouth. I drop the visor and look in the mirror at my make-up. My lips are red and plump from his razor burn and my eyes look like I just woke up. Clearly people will know we’ve been fooling around in the car and I’d rather not leave that impression, despite my desire to screw his brains out in the backseat. I pull out my lip-gloss and apply a fresh coat and run my fingers under my eyes to get rid of the excess make-up particles.

  Jimmy opens the door and holds out his hand for me. I will give him credit; he’s a gentleman in the truest sense of the word. His mother raised him proper and I can’t wait to thank her for that. We walk hand-in-hand into the club. Josie’s brought me here for lunch before, but we haven’t been here much since Liam has come home. Something about his parents being members and it’s too awkward for him.

  Jimmy gives our names to the hostess who tells us to follow her. We are heading to a part of the club that is away from the restaurant. She points to a door and walks away, leaving us standing in the hallway by ourselves.

  “What’s going on?” I ask. Jimmy shakes his head but opens the door anyway. We step into a dark room. I clutch at his hand, hanging on for life. This is a set-up. Liam didn’t plan this, Damien did. He’s here in this room. I can feel it. Something moves behind me and I have to bite my lip from screaming out.

  We’ve just walked into our death. My other arms grips his forearm, my nails digging into his skin. If I could crawl into his body I would. I move as close as possible, hoping that this will be quick and painless.

  When the lights flick on I let out a blood-curdling scream at the hoards of people yelling at me. “Surprise!”

  My heart pounds a thousand beats per second as I try to catch my breath. There are tears rushing down my face as my chest heaves.

  “Jenna, what’s wrong?” Josie asks as I cover my mouth to try and contain a sob.

  “I thou… thought you were going to kill us.”

  Josie deadpans. “Oh shit, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think of that. We just wanted to g
ive you guys a reception since you eloped and didn’t give us a chance to have a party.”

  “Okay.” I’m a blubbering fool being held up by her husband. Jimmy rubs my back as he tries to act calm, but I feel him shaking. He thought we were set-up too and it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one walking around paranoid.

  “Come on, darling, let’s go get you cleaned up. You have a party to attend.” I nod and reluctantly let go of Jimmy’s hand as Josie and Katelyn lead me out of the room. They lead me down the hall and behind a closed door. Once it’s shut I let out a sob that makes my whole body shake. I’m directed to sit on the couch with both girls rubbing my back.

  “What’s going on? Because I’m getting the feeling you’re bottling up some pretty deep emotions to be crying like this.”

  “Nothing,” I say, wiping my tears. “Just my hormones.”

  “Bullshit,” Josie and Katelyn say in unison.

  “You can talk to us you know. Just because you married into the band doesn’t mean we’re not friends,” Katelyn says, stroking my hair. Josie nods.

  I take a deep breath and blurt out, “I don’t want to believe Jimmy is having an affair and I know he doesn’t love me, but we took these vows and he was gone for two weeks and I’m really freaking out inside because my mind is telling me to run and file for divorce but my body is telling me to go screw his brains out in the backseat of the car.” I cover my mouth in horror and look at my two friends. “Oh God I’m so sorry. Ever since my second trimester it seems I have no filter.”

  Katelyn and Josie start laughing, which honestly doesn’t make me feel any better. “Jenna,” Katelyn starts, “I don’t think Jimmy would cheat on you. At least I would hope that he’s smarter than that.”

  “But he is Jimmy,” Josie adds, which makes everything Katelyn just said go out the door.

  “Oh great,” I say, throwing my hands up in the air.

  “No listen. At one point we’ve all thought it. I would lie awake in bed at night and imagine Liam with other women. I had visuals from the many magazines and even Sam’s face would pop-up. But he asked me to trust him and I did. Does it mean that I didn’t think about it? No, it doesn’t. Each time he went back to LA I was a wreck because I thought ‘what if he’s so lonely that he needs that painkiller?’ Those women don’t care if he’s with someone, they all want a piece of someone else’s pie.”

  “I felt the same about Harrison even though I knew he hadn’t dated much and even stopped dating when he moved to Beaumont. The thoughts were there, but I know Harrison would never do something like that, nor would he allow Jimmy to do it on his watch. Trust that the guys will keep him on the right path as long as Jimmy wants to be there.”

  I try to smile at Josie and Katelyn and, while their words offer some reassurance, the thoughts still linger. The door opens with a small knock. We look up to find Jimmy peeking his head in.

  “Hello my lovelies, I’d like to have my wife back if that’s okay with you?”

  “Yeah, we’re going to get her all pretty and then she’ll be out,” Josie says, standing. I smile softly at Jimmy before he finally closes the door.

  “He’s not cheating,” Josie says.

  “How do you know?”

  She looks at me, her Cheshire Cat grin getting larger. “That boy is in love with you. I’ve never seen him look at another woman like that before.”

  My heart soars with her words. She would know, she’s spent the most time with him. Maybe I need to let go and just go with the flow and take each day as it comes. If I live in fear that he’s cheating, I’ll probably drive him into another woman’s arms and I wouldn’t be able to live if I did something like that.

  MY wife is crying and it’s all my fault and my two best friends are shooting daggers at me as I walk down the corridor towards the bar. It’s not going to matter what I say to her or to them. I’ve fucked up and there’s no changing it. I’m as stupid as my mum was when she took my dad back. I don’t know how I’m going to fix this. If I knew I would not be in this situation in the first place.

  I approach the bar with some trepidation. They have questions and will expect answers. If this was any other woman they probably wouldn’t care as much, but it’s Jenna. I crossed the line during the night of the wedding and if the condom had done what it was supposed to do and not split, then no one would even know.

  Except one time wasn’t enough for me and while being a dad wasn’t something I was looking to be, I’m happy that she’s my wife.

  I take the beer that Liam is offering me. He and Harrison are leaning against the bar and watching the crowd. It makes a change that we are the spectators watching the crowd instead of it being the other way around.

  “You scared the shit out of Jenna,” I say, before taking a long swig of the beer. The cold amber liquid feels good as it slips down my throat and I quickly finish it. I can’t get drunk, not tonight, but I can hide the fucking bullshit loitering at the back of my mind. Harrison knows my secret, but I trust him not to say anything to Liam. If I’m being honest, I’m hoping that he’s forgotten and hasn’t told Katelyn either. I don’t want the little tidbit about Chelsea being pregnant to get back to Jenna before I have had a chance to say something to her first.

  That’s if I have the balls to even sum up the courage to say anything to her. Right now, I don’t. I’d rather have my nuts twisted into a vice grip than explain about Chelsea being up the duff.

  “I don’t know much about women, but I do know those tears were a culmination of a few things.”

  “What does that mean, Liam?” I ask, taking another beer from the barman.

  He puts his beer down and looks at me. “What the hell could take two weeks that you couldn’t do from here? You left her the second you came back from your honeymoon. Why didn’t you just take her with you?”

  “It’s not as easy as that, and you know it.”

  Liam knows it’s not simple. There’s a reason why he never took Josie home to LA Sam. Chelsea is my own personal Sam. If I took Jenna to Los Angeles I wouldn’t be standing here today. Jenna would’ve left me. She would’ve walked out of my life and never looked back and I can’t risk that happening.

  “You can’t be messing around on her. She’s pregnant and not feeling sexy.”

  I look at my friend and shake my head. “How do you know this crap?”

  Harrison laughs, lifting his beer bottle to his mouth. “This is why Katelyn and I aren’t having any more kids. I can’t deal with the emo shit that comes with it.”

  “She told Josie she’s fat.”

  “She’s pregnant,” I say a little more loudly then I intend to. A few people I don’t know, who I’m assuming are friends with Liam turn and look at me. I tip my bottle at them and smile before looking back at him. “You’re turning into someone who’s pussy-whipped, Liam.”

  Harrison sprays beer out of his mouth and starts coughing. Liam looks like I’ve kicked his dog.

  I shrug. “All I’m saying is that you’ve been getting in touch with your feminine side lately and it’s starting to show.”

  “That’s what happens when you’re in love.”

  I see my bride scanning the room, and hope that she’s looking for me. When our eyes meet, her face lights up. I take a sip of my beer and put it down. “Yeah, I know what you mean,” I say before walking away from both of them.

  Her smile becomes bigger, her eyes brighter, the closer I get. I know I fucked up, but I’m going to do whatever it takes to make sure she knows that she’s my number one priority. I can’t continue to mess up because I know if I do, she’ll leave. She’s already threatened divorce and I’ve hopefully talked her out of it, but if she says that word again I don’t know what I’ll do except to get down on my hands and knees and beg her not to leave me. I’ll do more than my father did, that’s for sure.

  My dad has been gone for a month. My mum cries every night, but I don’t understand why. She kicked him out so why is she crying? I only talk to her wh
en she asks me questions. I’m mad at her for telling my dad to go away. I’ve tried calling him, but he never answers. I don’t know when I’ll get to see him again, but I’m saving all my money so I can go and live with him. Maybe he’ll take me to America to live with my grandpa. He’s always saying that everything is better over there and that he only lives in England because of my mum. But we don’t need her anymore so my dad and me can just leave.

  I climb the steps to my mum’s flat. I don’t call it home anymore, not since my dad left. I open the door and walk straight up the stairs that lead to my bedroom. I’ll hide there until dinner. I don’t want to watch the television with my mum.

  “Jimmy.”

  I freeze when I hear my dad’s voice. I turn and see him kneeling down with his arms open and waiting for me. I drop my backpack and run into his arms. I knew he’d come back for me. He loves me and promised he’d take me to football practice.

  “I’m really happy you’re here.”

  “Me too, Jimmy. I wanted to see you before I left.”

  I step back. “What do you mean?”

  “I’m going to the States for a while, but I’ll be back.”

  “I’m coming with you,” I blurt out as I run towards the stairs.

  “Jimmy?”

  “Be right back, dad, I just have to get my case; it’s already packed.” I run up the stairs and push the door open. I run to my bed, fall to my knees and pull out my suitcase. I won’t miss anything in my room. My dad can buy me new things when we get to Grandpa’s.

  When I go back downstairs there’s a girl sitting on my dad’s lap. She wasn’t there earlier, but I already know I don’t like her. She’s kissing his neck like I’ve seen Rebecca do to Peter’s older brother. Peter said his brother likes it and that it means the girl is ready to get busy. But I don’t know why she’s kissing my dad. Only my mum should be doing that. I don’t like this girl at all.

  “I’m ready,” I say loudly. The girl turns and looks at me, but she doesn’t smile. She rolls her eyes and gets off my dad’s lap. If you ask me, she’s a little too big to be sitting there anyway. Even I don’t do that anymore.