Finding My Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “You said it would just be us,” the girl says. My dad moves her to one side and I see him touch her bum. I look at my dad with confusion. He closes his eyes and when he looks at me, he beckons me towards him.

  “Jimmy, you can’t come with me.”

  “Why not?” I won’t cry because I’m a tough boy.

  “Because I need to get my place set up and get back into the studio. I can’t do that with you hanging around. I keep late nights and that’s not a good lifestyle for a little boy.”

  “I’m not little.”

  “Jimmy, come on bud. You need to stay with your mom and help her out.”

  “NO! She’s making you leave. I’m coming with you.”

  My dad stands and puts his hand on my shoulder. The girl comes up behind my dad and grabs his hand.

  “Don’t touch my dad,” I say, pushing her hand away. I push her until she’s no longer standing next to us. “Tell her to go away.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not? You love mum, not her.”

  “Jimmy, listen. I love your mom, but I love Tiffany, too. I’m going to marry Tiffany as soon as the divorce is final.”

  “You can’t, dad. You love mum.”

  “James, we’re going to miss the flight.”

  My dad nods, as he listens to her. I hate her. My dad ruffles my hair. “See ya around. Be good to your mom.”

  As soon as the door shuts I start banging on it, shouting for my dad. “Come back,” I say over and over again. I’m trying not to cry, but I can’t help it. I want my dad.

  My mum pulls me into her arms. She holds me while I cry against the door. She doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t have to.

  I pull my wife into my arms and look in to her eyes. From this moment onwards I’m going to be better. I never want to hear the word divorce come out of her mouth again. I link my hand with hers and pull her to the middle of the dance floor. I don’t know what song is playing, but from here on it will be ours. My arm moves around her waist and I pull her closer to me, holding our linked hands to our chests. We sway back and forth, dancing in front of our friends and family as husband and wife.

  “I know I made you cry.”

  Jenna shakes her head.

  “I did, I know I did. I’m stupid. I’m a stupid guy who has made a life changing decision and I plan to follow through with everything I said on our wedding day. I promised you then and I promise you now, I’ll cherish you, I’ll protect you and I’ll be only yours. The only thing that can separate us is death and we’re going to live until we’re old and grey and our great-great grandchildren have to come and visit us in a nursing home.”

  Jenna nods as I wipe away a tear. “You say the sweetest things.”

  “You bring out the best in me, Sweet Lips. I just need you to be patient with me. I’m going to fuck up, but you have my permission to kick my arse when I do.”

  “Okay.”

  “Yeah, okay,” I say, kissing her. “Come on, I want to take you home and ravage your body. I’ve missed you.”

  “I’m fat.”

  I stop us from dancing and put my hands on her cheeks, forcing her to look at me. “You’re beautiful and sexy. So fucking sexy that I’ve got a hard-on just thinking about you. I’ve wanted you for so long before the wedding and when I finally had you, I needed more. I’d be here even if you weren’t pregnant. I don’t want to hear that you’re fat or not beautiful because you put all these other women to shame.”

  I take her hand and lead her out of the room. I know this party is for us, but I’ve just got back and I need to be alone with my wife.

  I roll over and look at my sleeping husband. He kept me up late last night saying goodbye and memorizing every inch of my body and as much as I’d like to be sleeping right alongside him, the baby is running a marathon inside me right now. I could wake him and ask him to sing to our child, but I like watching him sleep. It’s a glorious sight with the sheet barely covering him, and I like being able to stare at his body freely. If I wanted I could trace the lines of his abs perfectly with my fingers and watch him wake from my touch.

  I hate admitting it, but he’s been the model husband since he came back from Los Angeles and I love having him here. He’s been attentive, caring and doesn’t leave my side unless it’s for band practice. He’s leaving today, after being home for a month. Not back to LA but to go on tour. When he told me, I freaked. My body shook. I cried and shut myself in our room for hours until he couldn’t take it anymore. It’s the stupid pregnancy hormones, I know it is. I let my mind get the best of me and believe that he’s going to return to the old Jimmy and that this past month was nothing but a show. I know my mind is being irrational. He’s not going to leave me for a groupie, but it’s hard. I want to live in a bubble and pretend the outside world doesn’t exist. The irrational side of me needs to shut the hell up and enjoy the man next to me. He says he’s not cheating and I need to trust that, trust him.

  This tour will be different and the first one where the wives aren’t going. The thought never crossed my mind about going with them, but Josie and Katelyn usually travel with the band. They’re staying back for my benefit. I told them I’d be fine, but they wouldn’t listen. With my parents gone and my third trimester looming, they felt it better that they stay with me. I’ll be moving into Josie’s house today until the guys get back. Not something I wanted to do, but my husband asked and even batted his damn eyelashes at me. Who am I to refuse?

  My fingers have a mind of their own and follow the image engraved in my mind as they trace the ridges on his stomach. He stirs and mumbles something, but I don’t stop. I try not to laugh, biting my bottom lip to keep from giggling. Side to side my finger moves lightly touching his skin. His skin pebbles from my touch, encouraging me to keep at it.

  His hand stills mine. I look at his face for any sign of displeasure but see none. He slides my hand under the sheet and onto his hard on. He moves my hand up and down a few times before letting go. I watch as the sheet moves from the motion. I push it aside so I can take in the glory that is my husband. I glance at him, his eyes are shut and his arms are resting behind his head. I know he’s awake by the sexy smirk spreading across his face.

  I lean down and lick the valley between his abs. My tongue traces through the light path of hair leading to where I want to be. My lips replace my tongue. His fingers thread through my hair. If I look up, I’ll be done for. His eyes do me in each and every time. I know what he wants and have no problems giving it to him.

  “Come here and kiss me, wifey.”

  I chuckle, but don’t move toward him. I straddle him as I kiss the top of his cock and replace my hand with my tongue. Jimmy hisses as his hips move forward. I chance a look and see his head thrown back. Seeing him like this spurs me to do this for him. If I can make him feel good, maybe he won’t leave me in the end. I take him fully in my mouth, my hands spread out over his abdomen, my nails scratching lightly as they move.

  His hand cups my arm pulling me away. “I need a kiss,” he says as he brings me to his lips. In one swift move he impales me and sets a quick and fast rhythm. I scream out in pleasure as he rocks into me. “Christ, Sweet Lips, I fucking love your pussy.”

  A moan escapes causing him to laugh.

  “You like it when I talk dirty, don’t you?”

  “Yes,” I say, breathlessly. He rolls us over and sits back on his haunches. His thumb presses against my clit. My eyes roll back as he continues to work my body into a frenzy. I’ve never felt like this. I’ve never felt like I’m standing on the edge and the only relief I’ll get is if I fall over the side. He does this to me. He brings this out of me. Jimmy’s masterful in the art of sex and I’m his student. He’s teaching me to listen to my body, to feel what pleasure he’s giving me. This is a class I want to flunk, repeatedly, so he has to start all over again.

  I scream out as my orgasm rolls over me. Jimmy moves faster, more urgent. The pulsing is almost much too much to bear and I dig into
his skin looking for relief. He falls on top of me, panting.

  “What am I to you?” he asks.

  “My husband.”

  “Damn straight. Now kiss me.”

  “DO you think you have everything?” I ask, folding another shirt before putting it in his suitcase. We’ve stalled long enough, avoiding the inevitable. He’s leaving for months and the timing couldn’t be worse. They’ll be gone most of the summer, arriving home a few weeks before my due date. I’m nervous, I won’t lie, if the baby will come early and he won’t be here.

  I want him to stay, but I don’t tell him this. I can’t. Touring is part of his job and as much as I’m going to hate it, he has to go. I know I won’t be alone, but I’ve grown rather fond of having Jimmy in my life every day. Waking up, walking to work and crawling into bed has become a treat for me.

  “I’ve never taken this many things before. You’re spoiling me.” Jimmy kisses me on my cheek and slaps my ass. He’s sweet on one side, dirty on the other. Honestly, I wouldn’t change him.

  “I want to make sure you have enough clothes.”

  “You know we always use the facilities at the hotels we stay in and our manager will make sure our clothes get washed, right?” He playfully asks over his shoulder as he walks into the bathroom.

  “What’s his name again?” I know Josie and Katelyn were beyond happy that another “Sam” wasn’t hired. I hid my elation that the new manager is a man. The last thing I want is some other woman doing Jimmy’s laundry. I’ve become quite fond of the boxers he wears.

  Jimmy comes out of the bathroom shirtless. My folding falters as I watch him move around the room. “He’s called Gary. He’s from New York so not involved with the LA scene which is what Liam and Harrison wanted. He’s also married and has kids so he gets it.”

  “Yeah, that’s good,” I say, my voice breaking. Jimmy comes up behind me, rests his chin on my shoulder and places his hands on my belly. His thumbs move up and down over my shirt.

  “For the first time since I joined the band I don’t want to go,” he whispers against my neck.

  I nod, agreeing with him because I don’t want him to go either. Or I wish I was going with him, but it’s just not possible. “Would you be mad if I said I wanted you to stay?”

  “No, I want to know that you want me here and that you need me here.”

  “I do, so much.” I turn and wrap my arms around him. I won’t cry, not in front of him. It’s not fair to him if I do. He knows what this is doing to me. I don’t need to pour salt in the open wound. “I think our –”

  “Are you ready to tell everyone?”

  I can’t help but smile. We’ve been keeping the sex of the baby a secret and refusing to acknowledge it for fear we might slip in front of our friends.

  “I think so. Josie and Katelyn want to know so they can plan a baby shower and I’m sure our moms want to know what we’re having.”

  “My mum can’t wait to meet you. She’ll be arriving as soon as the tour ends and will stay to help out if you need her.”

  My mom has offered the same thing, but we can’t have both of them here. “I think I’ll take your mom up on the offer and tell mine she can come after.”

  “Whatever you want, wifey.”

  “I think we should tell people.”

  Jimmy’s smile is infectious. I bury my head in his shoulder and hold onto him. In a few minutes we have to drive over to Liam’s and say goodbye. We’ll be living a life of webcams, texting and phones. I’ve also been told to stay away from gossip sites and that if I’m starting to have a freak out, I’m to call him immediately.

  He pulls away all too soon for my liking and bends down. His hands hold my stomach while he peppers me with kisses.

  Jimmy looks up and winks causing me to laugh. “I’ve recorded the song I’ve been singing so you have to play it every morning. I read online that you can put headphones on your stomach. I want to make sure my baby girl hears her daddy’s voice every day.”

  A single tears falls from my eye onto the top of his hand. He stands, placing both hands on my cheeks. “I love you, Sweet Lips. I’ll be home soon.”

  My breathing stops momentarily. “What did you say?”

  “You heard me, Jenna. I love you. I love our daughter and I love our life together.”

  4225 West is back on tour! #Liam #Harrison #JD

  Gonna rock with 4225 West tonight!

  OMG!! Did you see Jimmy wink at me last night?? ☺ #4225West

  I LOVE Jimmy Davis. He’s delish

  I so played out my fantasy last night at the after party #JimmyDavis #Love #bestnightever

  I throw my phone down next to me. I really hate Twitter. I miss life in Beaumont. It’s like Twitter and Beaumont go hand-in-hand for me. If I’m there, my Twitter feed and mentions are quiet. When I’m on the road, it’s a ‘trending topic’ mess.

  I want quiet.

  No, what I want is my wife, in our bed, snuggled up in my arms. She’s what I need. I miss touching her tummy and singing to our daughter and even though I’m trying not to think about it too much, I do. The days are long and the nights are even longer. Before Jenna, I lived for my nights, but now I can’t wait to get off stage so I can call her or see her beautiful face on Skype. I know she’s staying up odd hours so we can talk and I appreciate it, but I hate seeing her so tired when she comes online.

  Who knew I’d change this much in such a short amount of time? Not me. I knew marrying Jenna was a risk, but it was one I was willing to jump into feet first. I love her and not because we’re having a baby, but because she’s everything that I’m not. She completes me as a person and treats me as her equal.

  I know she worries about me being unfaithful, but I saw what cheating did to my mum and I’d never do that to anyone. Chelsea did it to me and that alone pushed me to the lowest point in my life. I refuse to even look at another woman so those tweets are all fucking bullshit. It’s just nothing but a bunch of women trying their hand at a bit of shit-stirring.

  Our tour bus pulls up and stops along the street in New York City. We are spending an extra day here to watch Yvie James perform. She’s been here for a while working on Broadway and now that her big brother is in town, we’re going to watch her show. Yvie is like a sister to me, spunky, loud and annoying, but I wouldn’t swap her for anything. She’s my age and we’ve been through a lot together. Yvie knew Chelsea wasn’t right for me before I could break free.

  The bus door opens and we file out. I’m thankful that our arrival has been kept on the down low. It’s not that I don’t like the fans, it just that sometimes it’s nice not to be noticed. I stretch and take in the early morning sun. It’s going to be a scorcher today, but all I’m doing is shopping. I’m forcing the guys to go with me to the toy stores and we’ll be stocking up. Jenna’s going to kill me because our place doesn’t have a lot of space, but my little one needs toys and when her daddy gets home, he’ll be moving her mum to a new house.

  I’ve been searching for a house online. I’d like one like Harrison and Katelyn’s. It’s big enough for us to expand as a family and has a decent sized garden. Liam and Josie’s garden is too big for me. I look around at the buildings that surround me and think about how I wanted to live in the City. Not so much just me, but also Chelsea. When I bought the bungalow just a few blocks away from Sunset, I thought we’d be happy there. I was wrong and standing here today I can say thank God Chelsea did what she did and I caught her because I wouldn’t swap Jenna for anything.

  The high-pitched squealing catches my attention. Before I know brown hair is flying by me at mock high speed and launching herself into Harrison’s arms. He catches her without missing a beat and spins her around. Her legs wrap around his waist and to Liam and me this is normal and we expect it. But to the guy standing off to the side with the telltale sign of being utterly pissed off, he was definitely not expecting this on his leisurely stroll down a New York City side street.

  This guy – he’s interest
ing – I watch him because he makes it easy to do so. He’s glaring at Harrison as he stands against the building with his foot pressed up against the façade. The only thing missing is a cigarette hanging from his mouth and this bloke would be a James Dean wannabe. Sadly for him, he’s not. He’s middle-aged, with this week’s style mop top and dressed like a twenty-something model out of GQ.

  Harrison puts Yvie down, but doesn’t let go of her. I turn back and watch her friend with his eyes full of anger. He thinks he owns her. Funny. Last time I checked no one owned Yvie James, except maybe Quinn.

  Yvie makes her rounds, Liam next then me. I pick her up and give ‘Mr. Angry’ the eye as I give her a long hard kiss on her cheek. He doesn’t know who he’s messing around with, but let me tell you something; she’s mine… ours and we protect what’s ours.

  “I’m so happy you guys are here. I’ve missed you.” Yvie says as she falls back into Harrison’s arms. He has his baby sister engulfed in his arms. Their bond is undeniable. “Come meet Oliver. He’s my producer.”

  “And shagging partner,” I mutter loud enough so Liam can hear me. He raises an eyebrow when Yvie glares at me. I shrug. I’m not sorry. The dude is a bloody dickhead and needs an attitude adjustment.

  “Oliver, these are my brothers. That’s Jimmy, Liam and Harrison.” She points at each one of us and while all three of us stand there, each with a different expression, I can tell Ollie here isn’t a fan.

  “Nice to meet you, mate. I’d like to say that Yvie has told us lots about you but she hasn’t.” Oliver doesn’t want to shake hands so I don’t offer mine. I can see through his veneer; he’s a twat and is probably shagging Yvie to get ahead in the industry. Maybe he’ll piss off Harrison and we can have a fight later. It’s been a long time since I’ve enjoyed myself in a bar fight.

  “I’m sorry, what did you say your name was?” Harrison’s words have a bit of bite to them and I know he saw the way this fuck was looking at us with Yvie. I’m trying not to laugh, but seeing him in overprotective mode is hilarious. That’s one thing about Harrison James – you don’t mess with his family or he makes you pay. And if he’s making you pay, you can be damn sure that I’ll be right behind him, and so will Liam.