Finding My Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “What the fucking hell?” I shout loudly. The three of them stop suddenly and look at me. Chelsea’s eyes widen in horror as she realises she’s been caught with her pants down. Literally. I do up my jeans and stare at the three of them. My eyes begin to fully assess the scene, taking it in bit by bit. She’s fucking cheating on me. And in my fucking house, no less.

  “Jimmy,” she says and her voice is laced with both exhaustion and nerves.

  “Don’t say a fucking word. You don’t need to explain.” I turn and walk out, picking up my boots as I go. I don’t stop to put them on before grabbing my suitcase and leaving. I fish my keys out of my bag and head to my car.

  “Jimmy,” she screams. I look up to find her outside in a t-shirt, one that is barely covering her backside. Her two friends follow out behind her and leave without saying anything.

  I open the door and throw my bag in. I don’t know where I’ll go, probably to my dad’s or even a hotel. I can’t go to Liam’s place and Harrison lives too far away.

  “Jimmy wait!” I don’t acknowledge her and she doesn’t take that as a sign. She runs over to me and grabs my arm. I shake her off. “I can explain.”

  I close my eyes. Those are the words I don’t want to hear. “Really? You can explain why I just walked into my house and found my fiancée being fucked by not one, but two men? What happened, Chelsea, did they just happen to fall into your mouth and cunt?”

  “Jimmy,” she whines.

  When I look at her again, she’s not Chelsea. Her blonde hair has been changed to red. Her brown eyes are now green. Blood drips down her face like tears. She opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I look at this strange woman and my worst fears come to life.

  I awake suddenly. My shirt is soaked with sweat. I look around, taking in my surroundings. The walls feel like they’re closing in. I reach for Jenna, feeling for her body so I can hold her and realise that I’m on the bus and I’m still on tour. I sit up and swing my legs over the side, hoping to regulate my breathing.

  It was a nightmare. Why I was dreaming about Chelsea, I don’t know, but seeing Jenna at the end – that fucking scared the shit out of me. I know she’d never cheat on me, but this dream means something. I look at the clock and calculate the time difference. It’s three a.m. in Beaumont, but I don’t care. I need to hear her voice. I need to know that her and Little One are okay.

  I dial her number and wait. It rings five, six and seven times before she finally picks up. “Hello,” she says, groggily. I know I’ve woken her, but I need this for my sanity.

  “Hi, wifey.” I close my eyes and wait.

  “What’s wrong, Jimmy?”

  “Nothing, I had… had a dream and I needed to hear your voice and make sure that you and the bub are okay.”

  “We’re fine, but now you have me worried. Are you okay?”

  I lie back in bed and cover my eyes with my arm. “I am now that I’ve heard your voice. I miss you, Jenna. I didn’t think this tour would be so hard, but it is. I don’t know how Liam and Harrison are handling it, but I’m falling apart.”

  “Do you want me to come see you?”

  The thought of having Jenna here with me, even if it’s for a weekend, is enticing. She didn’t come on tour with us last summer and part of me is grateful about that. I wouldn’t have been able to control myself around her, but I also wouldn’t want to embarrass her in front of Josie.

  “I’d love that. I want you here, even if it’s for a few days.”

  “Okay, Jimmy.”

  I tell her where we are going to be and help her book her ticket online. This time tomorrow she’ll be in my arms and won’t have to leave unless I’m on stage. When we hang up, I dial the number of the other woman who has been on my mind.

  “Morning, Mum.”

  “Jimmy? How lovely to hear your voice. How are you?”

  Hearing the excitement in my mum’s voice makes me happy. Since I was eight and realised how poorly my dad treated her, how uninterested he was in having a family, she’s not only been my mum, but my best friend.

  “I’m okay.”

  “Are you sure? You don’t sound okay, what’s wrong?” This is exactly why I called her. She knows when something is bothering me. Blame it on motherly instinct or just being an amazing person. Either way, my mum can fix anything.

  “I miss Jenna and I miss touching her belly every day.”

  “It’s amazing, isn’t?”

  “What is?”

  “Watching your wife grow and look after your child inside of her.”

  I look at the photo of Jenna that I have stuck to the wall. This room is so small and I’ve had to forfeit the bedside table to display photos on. This picture was taken of us on the beach in Bora Bora. My hand rests on her belly. Her hand is cupping my cheek. We didn’t pose for this. A passerby caught us in a moment with their camera and asked if they could send us the image. I’m grateful that they did because it’s a reminder of why I’m turning my life around.

  “It’s not just that, mum. I sing to Little One and she calms down. She kicks Jenna terribly in the morning and my singing was helping that. I feel like I’m failing them both by not being there.”

  “Little One?”

  I can’t help but smile. I’ve always used nicknames, but they’re never normally special or meaningful. Not until I met Jenna, that is. She brings out the best in me.

  “That’s what I call her… the baby. I think she likes it.”

  “I’m sure she does, you’re her daddy.” My mum sighs. “I can’t believe you’re going to be a father, Jimmy.”

  “I know, mum, but this is a good thing. I love Jenna. She’s makes me a better person and I really can’t see myself without her, even if we weren’t having a baby. I was always trying to find ways to talk to her and be around her.”

  “And what about how you felt about Chelsea?”

  I close my eyes and my nightmare flashes before me. It’s not so much that I’m reliving that day, but more the ending, seeing Jenna with blood on her face that freaks me out. I know her ex is out there, lurking. I can feel it, but I’m afraid to say anything to her. I don’t want to put the fear of God in her if he’s not around. But my instincts are telling me he’s not done yet. He’ll be back.

  “Chelsea was a distraction. I never saw myself having kids, more like living this rock star lifestyle. I saw her more like a trophy wife. I knew that she’d be the wife that spends all day at the spa getting pampered and making sure she looked perfect.”

  “Are you saying Jenna’s not like that?”

  I rub my hand over my face and through my hair. It’s due for a cut so I can make my Mohawk stand up again or maybe I’ll surprise her and get it done before I see her. Maybe I can talk Jenna into cutting my hair when she’s here. I knew my comments about Chelsea would be taken out of context, but I also know my mum won’t repeat what I’ve told her.

  “It’s not like that mum. When I look at Jenna, I see a future with her. I see home and warmth. Jenna’s nothing like Chelsea. She doesn’t care about the fame and fortune. She just wants to be loved and I want to love her until she tells me that I’m not worthy of her.”

  “Oh, Jimmy, I don’t think she’ll do that.”

  I hope not, I want to say.

  “I really miss her. I rang her before I rang you and woke her up. I need to see her so she’s going to fly out and come and see me tomorrow. I’m not going to be able to last three more months without being with her and holding her. God, mum, I need to touch her tummy and talk to Little One so she knows I haven’t abandoned her.” My voice breaks. I bite my lip to keep my emotions in check.

  “Jimmy, you’re not your father. I brought you up to be better than him.”

  “I know.”

  “Just love her and I’m sure she’ll love you back. I know that I can’t wait to meet her and hold my granddaughter.”

  “Little One is going to be beautiful. I’m hoping she has red hair like Jenna.”

&nbs
p; “She’ll be beautiful. You’re going to have a beautiful family and you should be proud of that.”

  “I am.”

  As soon as I hang up, I start counting the minutes until Jenna’s here. I don’t know if it’s safe for pregnant women to fly, but I think she’d tell me if it wasn’t. If she can’t come here, I’ll just fly to her. Not seeing her isn’t going to work for me.

  I feel like I’m being watched… or followed, which is the stupidest thing ever, since I’m walking in a crowded airport with hundreds, maybe even thousands of people. But I can’t help but feel eyes boring into the back of my head. If I stop and look around, eyes follow me, no doubt wondering what would possess the pregnant woman to suddenly stop in the middle of the walkway and look behind her repeatedly.

  Everyone rushes by, shoulders bumping into mine as they pass. A few people grunt and even give me a dirty look, but I know someone is there… here, watching me. My body can feel eyes roaming all over it and it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. I turn back and walk toward the exit. Jimmy will be waiting. I just need to get there. My pace quickens, short of a full on jog. Anxiety increases, my skin – it itches as if a spider is crawling on it. As soon as I see the doors, I’m running. I look back in time to see someone – a man – turn quickly. He’s wearing a dark hat that covers his face and a non-descript trench coat.

  I turn back to the door and step out. Freedom. Peace. Jimmy is standing against a black car with dark tinted windows, much like you see on television. I’m freaking Cinderella right now and my Prince is staring at me. Gawking, really. His legs are crossed at his ankles. His left hand in his pocket. In his right, he holds a sign – Sweet Lips – is written in big red letters. I stand back and take in everything about him. I appraise him. Memorize him. My teeth find my lower lip as he shakes his head and smiles. He knows I’m checking him out. His hair stands on his head, the sides shaved. His Mohawk is back, thank God. He laughs and looks down at the ground before looking back at me with those eyes… the eyes that say you know you want me, and he’s right I do. Being pregnant has its perks sexually. I want it, him, all the time. He’s making me insatiable. He’s teaching me to enjoy what he can do to my body.

  My mind tells my body to move forward, even though my eyes want me to stand here and watch him. His hand comes out of his pocket and he dangles a necklace from his fingers. It sways back and forth until I hold out my hand to stop it. A diamond locket rests in my hand. He slides it away from me, only to reach around my neck and clasp it. His hands linger at the back of my neck, his fingers pushing into my hair. I knew I loved this man, but this… this hammers it home.

  “I’ve missed you, wifey,” he says as his lips graze mine. It’s not enough, but we’re in public and he has an image to keep up.

  “I’ve missed you too.”

  Jimmy places his lips to mine, but pulls away too quickly. “Hey.”

  He chuckles, placing his hand on our daughter. “Let’s go.” He pulls my hand into his and opens the car door, allowing me to slide in before him. Once he’s in and the car is in traffic, his hands are all over me.

  “I fucking need you,” he says as his teeth nip into my skin. I never thought about how much alone time we’d get while I’m here. The guys travel by bus and since none of the families are with them they haven’t been staying in hotels this time around.

  Jimmy rests his head on my shoulder. I snuggle into him, afraid to let go. I close my eyes and lean into him. He can make all my demons go away. I haven’t seen or heard from Damien since that day in Whimsicality. Is it too much to hope that something has happened to him and I’ll never see him again?

  “When did you cut your hair?”

  “Yesterday, after I finished talking to you and then my mum. I remembered that you mentioned it in Bora Bora and I thought, what can I do to drive my missus crazy? I’m hoping this is it.”

  “I love it and I love you, Jimmy.”

  “I love you, Jenna and I love our daughter. I want to give you the world. I know we got married quickly, but I feel like I’ve known you my entire life. And the way you were so obviously checking me out back there… I can’t wait to get you onto the bus and have my wicked way with you.”

  I roll my eyes, shaking my head at him. “You’re so rotten.”

  “But you love me.”

  That I do.

  “STAND right here. You’ll be able to see Harrison and Liam, but I’m on the other side so you’ll only be able to stare at my arse.”

  “Jimmy,” I say, hitting his shoulder.

  “What?” He leans in. “Do you remember digging your nails into it earlier today telling me to take you harder and faster?”

  No, I don’t need that reminder. The reenactment is playing like a dirty porn clip over and over again. Reuniting with him was everything I wanted it to be and more.

  “Yes I remember.”

  “We remember too, Romeo,” Liam says as he passes by. I stifle a laugh, as Jimmy turns red. I never thought I’d see the day where Jimmy Davis blushes from embarrassment, but now I have. My worst fear came true when we got to the bus. Harrison, Liam and Tyler were all there. They all snickered when Jimmy pulled me down the aisle and into his room. When we came out, Liam mimicked Jimmy, complete with a British accent.

  “Fuck off, mate,” Jimmy says as he pulls me closer.

  “Time to go on,” Harrison says, stopping next to me. He leans down and kisses me on the cheek. “It’s really too bad you couldn’t bring Katelyn. Maybe you ladies need to alternate weeks so we can get some service up in this piece.”

  “I’ll tell her when I get back.” Harrison winks and walks away. I lean into Jimmy and kiss him.

  “Good luck and have fun.”

  “I will now that I know you’re waiting for me.” He kisses me before taking the stage. Jimmy stands next to his keyboard. On one side is his guitar. He hasn’t said much about his father, but I know who he is. Everyone does. I’m assuming he’s learned to play these instruments from his dad, although I can’t be sure. Some people are musically inclined. They’re gifted.

  The music starts and the crowd erupts. You’d think they’ve all just woken from a winter’s slumber with how quiet they were, but now the noise level is deafening.

  I look over at the guys and take in their presence. This is my first time seeing them on stage like this. It’s magical. No wonder we’ve all fallen for rock stars. They command the stage, even Jimmy, who is simply playing the piano. He owns it. It’s part of him. My eyes wander to Harrison. I’ve listened to Katelyn describe what it’s like to watch Harrison, but to actually see it. To feel the drumbeat rise from the floor and wash over your body is indescribable.

  Liam walks over to me and plays his guitar for me. The crowd, somehow, becomes louder. He winks and walks back to the microphone to sing. I start to sway, moving to the music while watching Jimmy. He switches from the piano to the guitar to the harmonica.

  When the familiar sounds of Little One’s song starts, my hand immediately goes to her. She pushes against me. I push back, letting her know that yes, it’s her daddy, and he’s about to play it for her.

  Hearing Liam sing the song that Jimmy sings for our daughter is different, but I like it. His voice is perfect and it’s clear why he’s the singer. I still prefer Jimmy’s voice, but hearing Liam takes it to a whole new level.

  I look out into the crowd. There are mostly women and a few men, no doubt brought by their significant others. That seems a bit awkward, these women yelling everything they can think to get the guys’ attention and their men just standing by aimlessly. Unless of course they like 4225 West then it’s not strange at all.

  As I scan the first few rows, smiling as I do, my gaze lands on him, the man from the airport. He hasn’t bothered to change. He’s still wearing the same hat and trench coat. I close my eyes and shake out the cobwebs. I’m just tired. I’m seeing things. But when I open them, he’s still there, staring at the stage. I try to follow his line of vis
ion, but can’t. He’s either focused on Liam or Jimmy.

  It’s Jimmy who he’s staring at. Why? Why was this man following me in the airport and now boring down on my husband?

  Damien!

  I try to inch closer, but the bodyguard stops me. I’m not to come out on stage. I’m to stay behind the curtain for my own safety. But I need to see. I need to know. Is Damien here? How did he find me in the airport and how the hell did he make it to the front of the stage without being noticed?

  The anxiety I had earlier is now back in droves. My palms itch and my skin feels like there’s a thousand needles trying to get in or out, it doesn’t matter. It’s driving me nuts.

  “Are you okay, Mrs. Davis?” the bodyguard asks. I look down and see my nails digging into my arms. Damien’s here. He’s wearing a trench coat to a rock concert. Who does that?

  He does because he’s here to cause harm. Instantly, the image of the defaced newspaper article that I saw him with that time in Whimsicality comes back to me. I look around, frantically. I step toward the stage, only to be stopped by a large arm.

  “Mrs. Davis, what’s wrong?”

  I point to Damien who is now closer to the stage. The bodyguard shakes his head, he doesn’t understand.

  “He’s my ex,” I say, barely audible. He leans down so I repeat myself. He turns and looks to where I’m pointing. His body goes rigid. He moves in front, trying to shield me, but I move. I need to see. The bodyguard says something into his hand. Men move toward Damien.

  “Gun,” I say, as I tug on his shirt. “Gun,” I yell louder.

  Damien raises the gun and points it at Jimmy who doesn’t have a clue what’s going on. Neither do Liam and Harrison. They’re playing, as they should be.

  I get past the bodyguard and run onto stage. The crowd yells louder. Liam stops me, placing his arm around me. I beat on his arm. I kick and scream in his ear. “Gun, Liam!” He looks at me with utter confusion.

  Jimmy drops to the ground. My ears feel like they’ve been filled with cotton and there’s a panicked scream bursting out of my chest. My feet are heavy, but I need to run to him. I need to be there with him. With my husband.