Finding My Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Liam turns in slow motion, dropping his guitar to his side, the dissonance ringing out over the sound system. Strong arms pick me up from behind and carry me away from my husband. The roar of the crowd is deafening, but the only sound I can focus on is the rush of blood through veins in my temples. I scream out for Jimmy as Liam and Harrison rush to his side.

  Lights come on and people start screaming. The crowd’s so loud no one can hear me. “Put me down,” I yell, kicking whoever is carrying me. I’m set on my feet and the moment I’m touching the ground, I’m running back to Jimmy, my heart pounding against my ribcage.

  “Jimmy!” I scream, but Harrison is there to stop me.

  “Let me go, Harrison!”

  He wraps his arms around me, holding me tight to his chest. He leans down. “Calm down, sweetheart, think about the baby. Let the paramedics work on JD.”

  “He’s been shot.” I don’t remember crying, but there are hot streaks running down my cheeks and pooling into his t-shirt.

  “I know. I know,” he says, running his hand up and down my back. The gesture that’s meant to be soothing only serves to agitate me more. He’s holding me back.

  “He needs me.”

  “Right now, he needs them more, Jenna.” He pulls back and cups my tear-laden face. “He needs them, okay? They need to help him.”

  Harrison’s eyes, the ones that are always calm as still water, are frantic and dark. I press my hand to my chest as something inside me breaks.

  “Is he going to be okay?” I’m unraveling, like twine from a spool, falling away from myself into disjointed pieces, tangled and messy.

  Harrison looks over his shoulder and back at me. “I don’t know.”

  I fall into his arms, clutching at his shirt as sob after sob rolls through my body. My ex has done the unthinkable and there isn’t anything I can do to help. Harrison pulls me off stage when the paramedics pass by with Jimmy.

  I love having my missus here. It’s like I have a new energy flowing through me. Being on stage has always been a high for me, but now, knowing she’s just off the stage watching me perform takes it to a whole new level. The only thing I’d change is our stage set-up. I want to be near her so I can watch her all night and not the crowd. These women out there – the ones who are wearing shirts that are two sizes too small? The ones who used to do it for me and float my boat? They don’t even compare to Jenna.

  I glance at Jenna as often as I can. Liam is doing a bloody excellent job at keeping her entertained, but if I’m honest, I wish it was me being the front-man today. I need it to be me. Maybe tonight I’ll give Jenna her own personal show. I can play her body like a piano and make it sing. That’s if I can get her to undress for me again. I got a little carried away when we got back to the tour bus, but I couldn’t help myself. My dick has a mind of its own when it comes to her and he wanted to be buried deep inside of her. He didn’t care that my band mates were sitting a few feet outside the room. He wanted her, and I’m not one to deny him and his needs.

  I’m a no-one without Jenna. I should tell her this, but finding the right words to do so is pretty much impossible. Admitting my feelings to her, albeit suddenly, has been such a relief. It’s like we’ve been together for years now and not just months. With her at my side, I know I’m going to be a better person, lover and musician. She makes me feel like I can conquer anything I put my mind to.

  Taking out my harmonica, I start the beginning of Tobacco Sunburst and take a sneak peek over my shoulder. Jenna’s hand is on her tummy, her fingers dancing along. I wink, but know she can’t see me. I wasn’t planning on telling her that the song I sang to her when she told everyone she wasn’t feeling very well was one that she inspired. I should’ve known she’d listen to it as soon as I went out of town. I’ve been so quiet when singing to Little One because I didn’t want her mum to hear. She’s sneaky, that one.

  Liam belts out the lyrics as Harrison adds the beat. I look out to the crowd quickly before bringing my harmonica back to my mouth. I think the only thing that can make me happier right now is to hold Little One in my arms. I’m not going to be afraid to hold her like some men are. I’m excited. I can’t wait to have her snuggled into my neck while I rock her to sleep. I’m going to be a hands-on dad, I’ll do everything Jenna needs me to do, even the disgusting stuff that involves nappies and shit.

  Pain suddenly rips through my chest. Hot, searing and torturous. I try to move my hand to touch the throbbing, but I can’t. It’s immobile, dangling uselessly at my side. I look down at my shirt and see a wet red spot forming. I hear screaming behind me. Jenna. It’s her voice.

  My head rests on the stage. How did I get here?

  My eyes look at the man standing in front of me. I know him from somewhere. I try to reach out to him, but he turns, leaving me.

  “Holy fuck, JD.” Liam says, hovering over me. The stage lights behind him make it look as though he’s glowing and there are black spots dancing in front of my eyes. I don’t like this new lighting effect.

  “Somebody get the motherfucking paramedics here,” Harrison yells.

  Paramedics? Is Jenna okay? I look for her, my eyes searching the stage, but I can’t see her.

  “Wh…”

  “Hold on, man.”

  I don’t know what the fuck he means. Hold on?

  Everything starts turning black. Someone is closing the curtains, but the show’s not over. My song… I didn’t finish it.

  The screaming dulls into a hushed roar. Thank God because it was fucking hurting my head. I think I need a coffee or something. I’m so tired.

  I look at Liam and smile. He’s my best friend, my brother.

  “Don’t you fucking leave me, JD. You fight. You have a wife and daughter on the way. Do you hear me, man? You fucking fight to stay with us.”

  Where am I going?

  HARRISON rushes us from the venue and into the waiting car. I don’t know how the driver knows, but he does. Once the door is shut, we’re speeding behind the ambulance. The very one that is transporting my husband.

  Harrison holds me against him. His leg bounces up and down. The edge of his phone is pressed against his lips. Is he waiting for a call? Call… I need to call Jimmy’s mom, but what do I say? I don’t even have her number.

  I sit up in a panic. My breathing becomes erratic.

  “Whoa, what’s wrong? You have to calm down, Jenna.”

  “His mom… she’s in…” I shake my head, realizing that I don’t know where his mom is. I don’t know anything about his family.

  “She lives in London. I’ll call her for you.” And just like that Harrison comes to my rescue. I feel like such a moron for not knowing. As his wife I should know these things. Like his blood type, I don’t know that. What if he needs a transfusion?

  Before I know it, Harrison is opening the door and tugging at my hand. He pulls me through the glass doors and to the nurses’ station.

  “Hi, excuse me. The ambulance just brought in my husband.”

  “Have a seat,” the nurse says without looking up. Harrison puts his arm around me and tries to direct me to a chair, but I hold onto the counter.

  “Jenna, give them a few minutes. Let’s find Liam.”

  Harrison’s demeanor is calm where I’m freaking out on the inside. I’m about to scream and pull at my hair. My ex-husband has shot… he freaking shot my husband. I don’t know where Damien is now, but he’s out there and probably waiting to finish the job. If he hasn’t already succeeded.

  I knew I should’ve left the minute Damien first showed up at the café. I’ve put everyone in danger and now Jimmy is somewhere in this hospital. I don’t know if he’s dead or alive. Why can’t the nurse just tell me what they’re doing? They must know, right?

  We walk down random halls. I see paramedics and wonder if they’re the ones that brought in Jimmy. They look at me as I pass, their eyes full of sorrow. I can’t imagine what they see on a daily basis.

  “Excuse me,” I say, stop
ping Harrison from walking any farther. “Did you bring my husband in?”

  “Who’s your husband?” the lady asks, looking at her clipboard.

  “Jimmy Davis,” Harrison answers before I can. “He was shot while on stage tonight. Our friend came with him.”

  The lady looks over her clipboard and shakes her head. My heart drops a bit further into the pit of my stomach.

  “Try down the hall that way,” she points ahead of us. “That’s the critical wing and if he was shot, he’s likely there.”

  Harrison doesn’t wait for more instructions before he’s pulling me behind him. We turn the corner and I gasp, my hand flying up to cover my mouth when I see Liam leaning against the wall. He’s covered in blood.

  Jimmy’s blood.

  “Liam,” Harrison says. He looks up and that patented smile he has for his friends is gone. It’s replaced with so much pain, more than when Josie was dismissing him when he first came back to town. Tears rush to my eyes as I take in the sight before me. Liam looks broken.

  “Liam?” my voice breaks. He doesn’t acknowledge my silent question, but pulls me into a hug. He holds me tight, his tears dampening my neck. I don’t want to take his tears as a sign, but I can’t help but think my husband is gone.

  I pull away and cover my eyes, wiping away the tears. “Did he… is he…” I choke on my words as strong arms keep me from falling to the ground. I can’t keep the tears at bay any longer. Jimmy and I were just starting to build a life together and now it’s gone.

  “He’s in surgery, Jenna. I don’t know anything else until they come and find us.”

  I look up quickly. “Surgery? That’s good, right?”

  Liam shrugs. “I don’t know, but he lost a lot of blood and wasn’t conscious.”

  “Oh God,” I cry.

  “Come on, let’s go sit down.” Harrison has to drag me away. I don’t know if Jimmy is behind that door or if Liam just stopped there, but I don’t want to leave. What if Jimmy needs me? I don’t want to be too far away from him.

  The guys lead me to a waiting room. It’s much smaller and quieter than the one we were directed to when we first came in. I sit down and melt into the couch. Deep down I know it’s not comfortable, but I have a feeling my body knows we’re going to be here for a long time. I won’t leave Jimmy’s side.

  “I’m going to go make some phone calls,” Harrison says, placing a kiss on my forehead. “I’ll bring back some coffee.” I watch him walk away. He gets about halfway from us and falls against the wall. You can see the sobs take over his body. It slips my mind sometimes that Jimmy has another family away from Little One and me.

  “I’m sorry, Liam.”

  He looks up at me, his eyes glazed with tears. “What on earth are you sorry for?”

  I take a deep breath. “For bringing Damien into your lives. I should’ve left when he showed up. I knew he was dangerous and now Jimmy’s in surgery and I don’t even know if he’s going to make it, and it’s all because of me.” My voice cracks at the end, my body splintering, shattering. I don’t know how to keep it all in.

  Liam pulls me into his arms, rubbing my shoulder. “People are sick, Jenna. You can’t predict what they’re going to do. This could’ve easily been me if Sam was around. I love you like a sister and am so thankful that you pushed Josie back to me, so don’t ever be sorry. You didn’t ask for this.”

  Liam turns toward me so he can look at me. “I’m a man blessed with a lot. I have the love of my life, my son, my career and my family – that includes you, Jimmy, Katelyn, the girls, Quinn and Harrison. Without these things in my life, I’m nothing. Each one of you gives me something to look forward to. You – you’re the one who not only makes my wife smile, but you gave one of my best friends a new life. Don’t be sorry, Jenna, be determined to bring that fucker’s ass down for doing this to our family.”

  I’m speechless. I’ve never had friends like Josie and Liam before. They’re rare gems and when you mix in Katelyn and Harrison, Liam’s right. We’re a family.

  I lean into Liam and close my eyes. His hand returns to my shoulder, holding me there, giving me the comfort that I need. I hope that I can offer him a little bit of support. I know he’s hurting, we both are, each in our own way.

  “Hello?”

  “Sorry to call so early, but the shop is closed today.”

  I sit up and look at the clock – it’s four a.m. “What’s wrong, Josie?”

  “It’s… oh God Jenna, Mason… he was in an accident and he…”

  I swallow hard and hold my breath. I know she’s going to deliver the worst news ever. I’m supposed to keep the girls overnight so he can surprise Katelyn with dinner. He said that during football season he loses his romantic side and needs as much help as possible.

  “Josie?”

  “He’s gone, Jenna. Oh God, he’s gone.” Silent tears fall as I listen to Josie cry on the phone. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been faced with death. Josie, Katelyn and Mason are my only friends.

  “I’m on my way. Where do I go?”

  “I don’t… I ca…”

  “Where are you?”

  “Katelyn’s,” she says through a shuddering breath.

  “I’m on my way.” I hang up and immediately cross my arms over my chest and hold myself. He can’t be gone. He’s the only guy I can trust. He knows everything about me and I didn’t even have to tell him. He just knew. He said he’d protect me and now he’s gone.

  I move around my apartment as if on autopilot. I’m going to put on a brave face for everyone. I’ll be their rock, as they have been for me.

  I pick up the picture of all of us that we took last year. Noah and the twins were so small. I can’t even think about what it’ll be like for Katelyn now.

  “Here,” Harrison says, holding a cup of coffee. I know it’s not good for the baby, but I refuse to sleep. I need to know my husband is okay before I close my eyes. I take the paper cup from him and sit up. I wipe at my cheek, trying to rub away the make-up running down my face. I look around briefly, and see a few more people in this room waiting. Are they all here for the same reason, or something different? It makes me wonder who is here because of a car accident or another shooting. They happen more in the city than in a place like Beaumont. But I can guarantee you, 4225 West never thought they’d be part of a shooting during one of their shows.

  “I called the girls, they’re on their way. Mr. Powell is going to stay with the kids. I also asked Gary to get a charter plane so they can get here faster.”

  Liam nods. I know he wants to hold Josie and I can’t imagine what’s going through Katelyn’s mind. She’s been in this position before and as much as I love her, I want a different outcome. At the end of the day I want to go home with my husband by my side. I want just a little bit of happiness, especially for Little One. She needs to know her dad.

  I sip my coffee gingerly. It’s something to settle my stomach, but I know I’ll need food even if I’m not hungry. Crackers – those will have to do – until I know Jimmy’s going to be okay. I can’t… I won’t leave his side until I know.

  We sit in silence. The television is showing the nightly news. Liam curses when the newscaster talks about the shooting at the concert. I’m sure this is a public relations nightmare for Gary. He’ll probably tell Jimmy to ditch the extra baggage and take my baby away from me. Jimmy wouldn’t do that though, right?

  “Mrs. Davis?”

  I look up when my name’s called. I stand on shaky legs, only to be flanked by Liam and Harrison. “That’s me,” I say.

  “Go ahead and have a seat,” the doctor says as he sits down across from us. We sit back down. I can’t look at the doctor. Instead I focus on the ring on my finger and the way Jimmy looked when he put it there.

  “Your husband is in critical condition. The bullet entered from the right, passed through both lungs and exited on the left. He sustained considerable damage to his lungs. We’ve operated and right now he’s on a respir
ator. For the next twenty-four hours everything is touch and go. We have to watch for blood clots forming and detaching. He’ll have a nurse with him the whole time until the threat is gone.

  “I’m very sorry, Mrs. Davis, I wish I could provide better news, but this is all I have.”

  “When can I see him?”

  “He can have one visitor at a time. You can go in when you’re ready.”

  I nod. “Thank you.”

  He takes his leave. Once he’s out of the waiting room, I collapse into Liam’s arms and break down. My husband isn’t going to make it and there isn’t a thing I can do about it. Harrison wraps his arms around me as well. His tears wet my back, while Liam’s meet mine. Both these strong men hold me as we cry for the one we love.

  I stand on shaky legs, with Liam on one side and Harrison on the other. I’m taking liberties and going in first. Maybe I haven’t earned it. I haven’t known him long enough, but we share something that he can’t share with Liam and Harrison.

  They walk me toward his room. How they know where it is, I don’t know. Did the doctor tell me and I not listen? We bypass the nurses’ station. I can’t bear to look at them. I don’t want to see the pity on their faces. I don’t want them to look at me as if I’m about to lose my husband. I don’t want to see their eyes wander to my mid-section and have them shake their heads because I’ll be a single mom soon.

  That’s what I wanted, right? To be a single mom? Is this karma coming back to bite me in the ass because I was going to keep this baby a secret from Jimmy? Is he going to pay the price because I’m a selfish bitch and brought all this evil onto him? I should be the one lying in that bed. I should be the one who is in critical condition, fighting for my life. Jimmy doesn’t deserve this.

  Harrison pushes the door open slowly. My senses become alive as I stare at the floor, my eyes moving slowly until I can see the wall in front of me. The room smells like antiseptic and Lysol. The walls are white. Jimmy hates white. He needs color. He wants vibrant displays of life. I close my eyes when I finally hear the beeping that’s telling me his heart is still beating. It means that his blood is still pumping through his body, keeping him alive. But it’s the whoosh of the machine helping him breathe that makes my knees buckle. He can’t breathe.