The Seven Steps to Closure

by Donna Joy Usher

  A look of horror crossed his face, and I smiled sweetly at him and raised one eyebrow. He let go of my hand pretty quickly, but not before I felt a slight hardening of his dick and I realised with a jolt that I must have turned him on. It put me right off my dinner.

  The hen at the table behind us had reached a record level of desperation, bashing the other hens out of the way and commando rolling onto the stage whenever they invited one up. I could tell that the strippers were quite uncomfortable with how she was rubbing her body up against them and trying to stick her hands down their pants. By the end of the main course she was leaning onto the table, trying to grab the legs of any stripper bold enough to go near her, and yelling, ‘I want to fuck you now!’

  The strippers stopped going to her table after that, concentrating instead on the hen at the next one over. Obviously Mr Hairy Bottom had told the others what a nasty bitch I was, so we weren’t seeing any action either, and some of the single girls from our table joined the far one. The drunken hen quickly became disgruntled with the lack of males thrusting their groins into her face, and a brawl broke out between her and the other hen. There was some bitch slapping and hair pulling, before the not-so-drunk hen finally managed to wrestle the really-drunk hen to the floor. She had her arms pinned down with her knees and was amusing herself by pouring a beer over her face. The drunken hen was spluttering and swearing and I could hear a lot of fucks and even once the ‘C’ word – which I always thought was taboo among women.

  The strippers came to the front of the stage, half undressed, and one of them, I think it was the cowboy, started to squeal with excitement, ‘Fight Fight Fight.’ The others all joined in clapping their hands and jumping up and down chanting along with him. I was watching them with amusement when Mr Hairy Bottom caught my eye and blew me a kiss. We left at that point.

  I nodded my head thinking about it.

  ‘I’m guessing there will be no strippers at Tash’s hen’s party,’ I said to Lil, ‘Are you going?’

  ‘Nah. Petunia’s birthday is around then so I’ll probably have a party for her that day. Do you want to come?’

  Step five of The Seven Steps to Closure flashed into my head. ‘No thanks. I’m going to be holidaying in an exotic destination,’ I declared suddenly.

  ‘Ohh really,’ said Mum in excitement. ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘Not sure yet, I’ll let you know as soon as I do.’

  The thought of being out of the country for the wedding felt right. It was going to be bigger that Ben Hur now that Jake was Lord Mayor. Christ, I wonder if the media would treat it like a celebrity wedding. Or worse a royal wedding. What if they decided to make them ride through town in horse drawn carriages like when Princess Diana married Prince Charles? Yep, I was definitely going to be out of town for that one. I may as well be out of the country.

  There was one teeny weenie little problem. Elaine had confiscated my passport and was refusing to give it to me till I had completed step four of the seven steps. Could I lie about the sex thing? Hmmm – lie convincingly about sex to Elaine? Absolutely not. The human lie detector would be all over me in a flash.

  Shit.

  That gave me 8 weeks to get laid and get out of the country. Considering the option of having to witness the wedding, I decided that if worse came to worse I would ring Anthony and his piggy wiggy nail and ask him for a one night stand.

  I just hoped it didn’t come to that.

  * * *

  Monday evening took forever to come. Elaine and I had organised for Natalie to come over after work for moral support. She had been planning to confront her boss that day and we hadn’t heard anything about how it had gone.

  ‘Tissues?’ asked Elaine.

  ‘Check.’

  ‘Chocolate?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Ice-cream?’

  ‘Cookie Cream Commotion and Double Dutch Chocolate,’ I said, checking the freezer.

  ‘Excellent.’ Elaine, took a seat on my lounge and started examining her nails..

  ‘I can’t take the pressure,’ I muttered nervously, pacing the lounge room floor and wishing I was half as calm as Elaine.

  Finally there was a knock on the door. ‘All right,’ I said to Elaine, ‘let her talk only if she wants to. We won’t force her. We’re just here for her no matter what.’

  I opened the door to find Natalie looking surprisingly collected. If it was anybody else than Nat that would have reassured me, but Nat was a lawyer. She was practiced at hiding emotions. Hell, who am I kidding, it had nothing to do with her being a lawyer and everything to do with her being Nat. Calm and composed, no matter what. Well 99% of the time. (Even when we were hiding under the stairs behind the gym she had been composed, planning our escape. Plan A, B and C mind you. I, on the other hand, had huddled and sobbed with fright.)

  ‘What happened?’ said Elaine from behind me.

  ‘Elaine,’ I said in a we-discussed-this-and-decided-not-to-do-this tone of voice.

  ‘What?’ she asked, looking at me.

  ‘We said we wouldn’t pressure her,’ I stage whispered out of the corner of my mouth.

  ‘No, you said we wouldn’t,’ she said shrugging. She was technically right. She hadn’t agreed with me.

  ‘Are you going to let me in?’ Nat asked.

  ‘Sorry. Come in, sit down, put your feet up,’ I said nervously. I followed her into the lounge before I broke. ‘All right,’ I begged, ‘tell us what happened.’

  She smiled at us. ‘Well both Ricardo and I still have our jobs.’

  ‘How?’ I said in surprise. ‘Did you have to beg?’

  ‘Nope. I went to her office first thing and she said, “Ahh Natalie so glad you came, I was going to talk to you today.” I, of course, was thinking I bet you were. Then totally out of the blue she said, “You’ve been doing such a great job on the Velucci account, they want to be moved entirely into your care.” I was waiting for her to say, “What a pity you won’t be working here anymore.” But instead she said, “So I think it is time to talk about a partnership.”

  ‘What did you say?’ asked Elaine in surprise.

  ‘Well I said “Excuse me?” And she said, “When our biggest account decides they want to be looked after solely by a single lawyer I would be stupid to leave you in a position where you could walk away with them.” I thought I may as well take the bull by the horns so I said, “So last night is not going to affect your decision?”’

  ‘And?’ asked Elaine.

  ‘She leaned back in her chair, kicked her shoes off, put her feet up on her desk and said, “You lucky bitch. I wouldn’t mind a go myself if you get tired of him.”

  Elaine started laughing. ‘Sounds like my type of woman.’

  ‘Seriously?’ I said. ‘That was it?’

  ‘Yup. So now you have to help me celebrate. I’m finally going to get my partnership.’

  ‘Cancel the order for tissues,’ I said to Elaine, as I opened the fridge door, ‘looks like we’re going to need the bubbly stuff instead.’

  * * *

  I still hadn’t decided how I was going to do this sex thing. That’s what I had started to think of it as. The sex thing. It was like a huge barricade in front of me that I had to climb before I could get on with my life.

  ‘It’s just sex,’ Elaine kept telling me. ‘Stop making a mountain out of a molehill.’

  ‘I haven’t had sex with anybody but Jake for a very long while,’ I whined. ‘What if I’m really bad?’

  ‘Who cares, as long as you enjoy it?’

  It was easy for Elaine to say that. I had a theory – formed over years of watching a bevy of gorgeous young studs pant after her – that Elaine was very good at sex.

  I was lying on the couch after work idly flicking through the television channels while I mulled over the sex thing. What I didn’t want to watch was exactly what I found.

  A Current Affair was running an article on Jake and Tash’s wedding plans. They were going to foll
ow it through to the end doing small segments on it every week until the big day, when they would be broadcasting the entire wedding. It was all my fears come true: a royal, fucking wedding.

  I reached for my phone as snippets of footage were shown. Tash and Jake – laughing and looking at crockery together, picking flowers, organising seating plans, holding hands while she stared up adoringly into his face.

  Then the interviewer asked questions, while they sat in the lounge room – my lounge room that I decorated – and made packets of icing covered almonds.

  ‘Ha,’ I snorted, ‘as if.’ I rang Elaine. ‘Are you watching it?’ I asked as she picked up.

  ‘Hang on. What channel?’

  ‘Nine.’

  ‘Oh,’ she said a few seconds later, ‘don’t they realise those things will be stale by the wedding?’

  ‘This Saturday night, you and me and meaningless sex.’

  ‘Umm Tara, I think you’re meant to have sex with a man.’

  ‘Ha ha. Let me clarify that. You and I are going to go out and party until I am pissed enough to hook up with somebody and have a one night stand.’

  ‘Sounds great – but can we do Friday night? I’ve got the reunion on Saturday.’

  ‘Oh of course.’

  ‘All righty, it’s a date. I’ll come around after work and we can get ready together. See you around 6.30ish.’

  ‘See you then.’

  I flicked off the T.V. and thought about ringing Mum, but then decided that I didn’t really feel like talking. Instead I grabbed Twilight and headed for bed. ‘Ahh Edward,’ I sighed, as I snuggled under my doona and opened up to the first page of the book, ‘you would never leave me for some beautiful, heartless cow.’ I ignored the fact that Edward was a fictional vampire, and I was not Bella, and spent the rest of the evening blissfully entranced in my fantasy world.

  5

  The Fourth Step to Closure - Have Meaningless Sex

  I stood in the doorway to my walk-in wardrobe, staring at the red dress I had bought during step two. I held it in front of me, looking at my reflection. Did I dare wear it? I felt breathless at the mere thought. Would I do it justice? Could I do it justice? My front door bell rang announcing Elaine’s arrival.

  ‘Just do it,’ she announced, as she walked in the front door.

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘The dress. I’m sure you’ve been staring at it for the last 30 minutes or so.’

  ‘You’re scary, you know that?’ I said, shaking my head.

  ‘Tara, wear it. You’ll look great. And if a one night stand is what you’re after, that’s the dress to get it in.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I whined, ‘what if I look really pathetic and everyone is sniggering as I walk past.’

  ‘Trust me darling. No-one is going to be sniggering at you.’

  ‘What are you wearing?’ I asked.

  ‘Little, black strapless number.’ She dragged a couple of bottles of bubbly out of her handbag and, heading into the kitchen, put one in the fridge. The other she opened, pouring us both a glass.

  ‘Come on,’ she said, coming back into the lounge, ‘let’s pretend we’re schoolgirls and do a mudpack before we get ready.’

  She removed two little alfoil packs from her handbag and handed one to me with my glass of bubbly. I squished it and immediately had a flashback to the day I was getting ready for my first date with Jake.

  ‘Stop that,’ said Elaine.

  ‘Sorry.’ I put the packet down.

  ‘Not that – although if you keep that up you’re going to get it all over you. Stop thinking about Jake.’

  ‘I did a mudpack the night I got ready for our first date.’

  ‘Well it’s a sign,’ she said, sipping her champagne.

  ‘A sign?’ I asked, taking a seat beside her on the couch.

  ‘Of new beginnings: that was a mudpack for then, and this is one for now. One for the beginning and one for the end.’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said enthusiastically, ‘the symmetry in that works. Come on let’s get these on and then we can do our nails while they set.’

  Two hours later it was time to put on the red dress. I had consumed quite a bit of Dutch courage by then – having finished the champagne Elaine had brought with her, and was feeling more confident about my wardrobe choice. Slipping it over my head, I shimmied it down my body, zipping it up before stepping into my red high-heels. I placed some sparkling cubic zirconia studs into my ears and stepped back to examine the effect. Elaine wolf whistled from the lounge room where she was ringing a cab.

  ‘Well, that ought to do it,’ she said in an approving voice.

  I smiled at her before asking, ‘Where are we going?’

  ‘I thought we might go to Notre Dame, a new Club in Darling Harbour. We can get some food there as well.’

  ‘Excellent. I am feeling a wee bit peckish,’ I said.

  ‘Cab’s going to be here soon. Grab your bag, let’s go,’ she said, as she hung up.

  As I closed the door to the apartment, I realised that I was excited about the possibilities that might unfold during the course of the evening. I was looking forward to flirting and letting the evening unfold around me. I just hoped the universe was holding up its end of the bargain.

  * * *

  The club was tasteful and modern while also being warm and friendly. I felt immediately comfortable and was able to release some of the nerves, which had been bubbling around inside me since we got in the cab. Elaine led me to the bar for a drink and looked at me questioningly with an eyebrow raised.

  ‘Make it big, and make it strong,’ I replied.

  ‘Your drink, or your man?’

  ‘Both.’

  I have to admit that I can’t remember all of that evening, but I have managed to piece together my snippets of memories. First Elaine and I were drinking wine and dancing. Then I seem to remember being at the bar drinking shots with a group of guys. I think they were part of a sports team. Hmmm – they were a soccer team, or maybe it was football. Then we danced some more – wild crazy dancing, throwing our heads back and waving our arms in the air.

  After that I headed to the bar for a drink of water, but when I got there one of the more handsome footballers – or maybe he was a hockey player – asked me what I was drinking. I didn’t want to say water like a big girl, so I looked up at him – he was a good six foot tall – batted my eyelids and told him I was having a Slippery Nipple.

  So he and I shot a couple of Slippery Nipples, linking arms and throwing them back. And then we went and danced some more. I think Elaine was dancing with one of the hockey guys. Or maybe they were a cricket team?

  After that things got pretty messy. I remember laughing loudly at a joke and having to be supported by my cricket man. Then all of a sudden, we were snogging. I don’t remember how it started and I wish there was a nicer way to put it, but that was what it was: animalistic snogging. It felt extremely nice though, even more so because it had been such a long time since I’d snogged anyone.

  We ended up back at his hotel – although I can’t remember how we got there – and were in the lift still kissing. Things were getting more frantic and we had started getting frisky with our hands. We stumbled out of the elevator and managed to get into his room, at which point the reality of the situation imposed itself on me and I excused myself to go to the toilet. I made the mistake of looking in the mirror. Black eyes, dry scaly skin, messy hair, smudged lipstick; I resembled a drunken scary clown.

  Oh God, I thought, I can’t go out there like this.

  But in the end I did, figuring it was less weird than staying in the bathroom all night. He was sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for me.

  ‘Mmmm,’ he groaned as he pulled me into his lap, ‘you’re beautiful.’

  There’s a lot to be said for beer goggles.

  We began kissing again and I can remember starting to pull each other’s clothes off. I can remember also that I wasn’t totally turned on, it was more like a ne
cessary exercise I had to carry out. Almost like an exorcism. I just needed to have sex with someone other than Jake.

  I did enjoy the feeling of him pushing me back onto the bed, but when he started spreading my legs I thought, Oh well at least it won’t take long. Instead of mounting me as I had expected, he leant down and licked my stomach, slowly working lower with his tongue, teasing me with the sensation; over my hips and along my inner thighs until finally taking my clitoris into his mouth and gently sucking. Christ, this was certainly more than I had expected from my one-night stand, but who the hell was I to complain? I felt my back arching against him wanting him inside me. He moved even lower and placed the tip of his tongue in my vagina wiggling it gently before darting it inside. My eyes rolled back in my head and I clenched my fingers into his hair. ‘Oh God yes,’ I heard my voice all throaty and husky pleading him for more. I could feel the hardness of his penis pressing up against my leg and suddenly I wanted to feel that sliding deep inside me.

  ‘Please,’ I begged, as he licked some more. ‘I want you now.’

  He grinned cheekily at me as he said, ‘Gets them every time.’

  ‘But,’ I asked shyly, ‘can we turn the light off?’

  Leaning over he grabbed a condom from the bedside table and flicked off the lamp. I tried to help with the condom, but in my eagerness I was slowing things down. His dick felt so hard and yet so smooth and soft at the same time I wanted to stroke it forever.

  ‘Stop,’ he moaned, ‘I don’t want to come yet.’

  Then finally he was deep inside me. It felt so amazing I couldn’t believe I had waited so long to do it.

  The ambient light coming through the curtain gave a soft glow, showing only his outline. He could have been anyone, but whoever he was, he was moving inside me like he was made to fit. We rolled over and all of a sudden I was on top. I’ve always been kind of shy on top. What if my breasts look all old and droopy? What if I was pulling a strange facial expression? But he reached up and, taking my breasts in his hands, rubbed my nipples with his thumbs. It was heaven. I rode him harder and faster until I got close to coming, and then I made myself stop.