Don't Be Afraid

by C. A. Harms

  “No, we don’t,” she shouted, and her words echoed through the bathroom. “Facing that means I have to give up the little hope I have left. The hope that by some miracle, you’ll be here. I need that hope, Patrick.” Sawyer’s lower lip trembled and heaviness filled my chest. “I need it so bad and I can’t give it away. I won’t. In my mind, I see you here with me as we look at our child together, counting her little fingers or his tiny toes. I need that. It’s holding me together, okay? If I give that hope up, if I let go of that image in my mind, I’ll fall.” She took a deep breath. “Let me keep that hope.”

  I couldn’t deny her. So instead I nodded and pulled her to me once more, and together we stood beneath the fall of the warm water. I’m not sure how long we stayed there. I just knew that with her near, her body pressed firmly to my own, I felt whole.

  Chapter 5

  Sawyer

  “How are you doing?” Willow, Patrick’s sister, asked as I set my cup of hot chocolate on the table before taking a seat across from her. “And before you say you’re fine, remember I know you well enough to know you’re lying.”

  Willow was older than Patrick and was recently divorced with no children. She was more of a free spirit than the rest of her immediate family, which I believe was why her marriage didn’t work out. She traveled the world and volunteered in other countries after disasters hit. She was also heavily into her church and faith, which I found inspiring. Though she might not have been around often, we talked a few times a week. She was the sister I never had.

  “I’m not okay,” I confessed, “but I’m holding it together the best I can. I know I can’t change things, and I know it’s important to cherish every moment, so that’s what I’m doing.”

  “Okay, so in front of Pat you do that.” She leaned in and placed her hand over mine, gently squeezing it. “But when you’re with me, let go.” I bit the inside of my cheek as I tried to hold back my emotions. “Get angry, cry, blame God and everyone else you want. If you need to throw things, then throw them. Just don’t hold it in, Sawyer. Please feel, you have to, sweetheart, because if you try to be this strong, held-together version of yourself all the time, it’s gonna hit you so hard, it’s gonna cripple you.”

  “I already feel numb,” I confessed. “Like I’m stuck in some recurring nightmare where I wake up, smile, and move through my day only to repeat it again the next day. But I don’t wanna smile, I don’t wanna laugh. I just want to curl up with Patrick in bed and cry. I wanna go back to when I first met him and change it all. I want to force him to go to the doctor sooner.”

  Willow said nothing, allowing me to say all the things rolling around in my mind, even though some of them may have sounded crazy.

  “The other night I actually dreamed that this entire thing was a dream. It all seemed so real. After I woke up, I lay there staring up at the ceiling, analyzing everything that had happened, and for the first time I felt like the weight of it all just lifted. The sadness, the anger, it was all gone.” I shook my head, laughing at how ridiculous it seemed now. “I looked over at Pat and actually smiled at him as I listened to him snore. I remember thinking I would never again complain about his snoring. I allowed myself to believe that the dream was meant to remind me of how lucky I was to have the life I have. Then my gaze landed on the medication sitting on his nightstand.”

  Willow nodded, urging me to go on.

  “Then it all came rushing back: the doctor telling us, then him telling his parents. Gage crying in his hands when Patrick and I shared the news with him. That crushing feeling came back, like it was all happening all over again. I don’t know how I’m gonna do this. He says I’m strong, Willow, but I’m not. I’m falling apart with each day, and I swear to you I’m not gonna make it through this. I don’t see how I can.”

  “For him.” I focused on the dedication in her stare, which was so much like her brother’s. “We do it for him, and for his memory. We hold on to every part of him we can and make sure his child knows what a wonderful man he was. We remember each day that he loved us, and that is the greatest blessing. Through us, Patrick lives on.”

  She was right, but I still didn’t accept the situation the way she had. I had so much rage inside me that at times I even scared myself. And having no one to be angry at only made it worse. I had no one I could lash out at, no one to punish, so the anger continued to smolder and I could feel it consuming me at times.

  When I left the grocery store, I took the longer way home, just needing a few more minutes to myself. At this point everyone around town who knew us, knew what we were facing. I hated the looks of pity I got from them.

  Running into Honor was the worst part about today’s trip. I couldn’t help but wonder what Gage could possible see in such a cold woman.

  “I’m sorry to hear about what y’all are facing.” She’d reached out and placed her hand on my shoulder. “But could you do me a favor and pass along to my husband that it sure would be nice if he got a few things done around our own home for a change?”

  Part of me wanted to slap her, and another part just felt sorry for her. She had a healthy husband and her whole life spread out before her, but she was so superficial that she couldn’t pause for a moment and see just how lucky she was.

  By the time I pulled into my driveway, dusk had fallen and the twinkling lights hanging from the trees caught my attention. They were strung from our porch on the east side of the house, intertwined throughout the two trees next to it, then draped over the awning of our shed.

  Ignoring the bags still in the back, I climbed out of my car and moved toward the lights. As I rounded the shed, I found Gage and Patrick draping sheer white fabric over a small arch that wasn’t there when I left a few hours ago.

  “What’s this?”

  They both looked up from their task and smiled. “This is my best recreation of our wedding.” The gleaming smile that took over Pat’s face made me laugh. But this time it wasn’t forced like usual, but a full-fledged, honest release of pure joy. “I know it’s nowhere near as beautiful as the Swan House but—”

  “It’s amazing,” I assured him, stunned at the effort they’d gone to.

  We’d decided to get married in the evening at the gazebo overlooking the water near the garden of the most beautiful wedding venue I’d ever visited. The bridge that led us to that very spot had been lined with twinkling lights and they were strung throughout the gazebo, making the event even more intimate. Lanterns floated in the water and each person at our wedding held a flameless candle.

  These two guys had taken the time to create the best replica they could with the space and materials they could find.

  “I have groceries in the car,” I said out of nowhere.

  Gage stepped forward. “I got ‘em.”

  “Wait.” I spun around and watched him walk away. “You don’t have to.”

  He paused and looked back over his shoulder. “You go spend some time with your guy. I got this.” Looking past me, he nodded at Patrick. “Catch you tomorrow, and we can finish up that last coat of paint on the fence.” He moved around the side of the house and was gone.

  Our wedding song filled the emptiness and chills covered my arms and shoulders as I once again focused on my husband. “I can’t believe you did all this.”

  “I wanted to remind you of the times before.”

  I knew what he meant, and I refused to let sadness take away from this moment. “So you gonna ask a girl to dance, or are you just gonna stand there staring at me?” I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to be sassy. When he offered me a grin with his brow arched, I knew I’d accomplished the look I was going for.

  He held out his hand toward me, still grinning wide. “Can I have this dance, pretty lady?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, uncrossing my arms and placing them on my hips instead. “Is that all I get, one?”

  “You can have as many as you want, babe,” he said, still holding his hand out to me as I moved in close. “We can d
ance all night if that’s what you want.”

  I knew if I said that was exactly what I wanted, he’d do his best to give it to me. “I just want this, us,” I whispered as I looked up at him, my chest pressed firmly to his. “For tonight, I want to pretend we have forever.”

  The words made it hard to hold back my tears, but I’d done it. Patrick nodded because I think he needed to pretend even more than I needed to. Then without any further delay we began to move to the music just as we had on our wedding night.

  “You’ve still got the moves, Mr. Cooper.” His chest shook against mine as he chuckled. “And you still manage to make even the simplest dance feel like a tease.” I didn’t miss how his eyes took on a lustful haze. “And you tried to convince me that you didn’t know how to dance.”

  “I didn’t,” he insisted. “I just went with my best friend’s suggestions.”

  “Oh really? And what suggestions would those be?” Nothing about Gage and Patrick’s interactions would surprise me. They had caused a great amount of trouble in their younger years, and instead of moving on from it, they only seemed to get worse as they got older. Like two kids trapped in grown men’s bodies.

  “He told me on the night before our wedding to imagine I was slowing making love to my girl when we danced. That it was just the two of us, her staring back at me with nothing but love and devotion in her eyes.” I was surprised to hear that advice had come from Gage. I still found it hard to imagine him and Honor ever sharing any type of intimacy. In fact, I rarely saw them together. “He did, however, tell me I shouldn’t think of you naked while doing so, because the guests didn’t need to see the groom sporting wood.”

  I laughed because I could most definitely imagine Gage saying that.

  “So that’s why dancing with you has always felt more like long, torturous foreplay?” He nodded. “I’ll admit, that may be the best piece of advice he’s ever given you.”

  “No.” Patrick leaned in and his lips skimmed over mine in a teasing manner that had me chasing after him for more. “The night I dropped you off after our third date, I went to his place.” Pat kissed my jaw before leaning back to look into my eyes. “I told him that even though I’d only met you a few weeks ago, I just knew that you were the woman I was meant to fall in love with.”

  My eyes widened. He’d never shared this with me before and I was at a loss. I was almost desperate to know more as I looked at him.

  “He told me that if after only a few weeks you already had me feeling things that strong, then I’d better grab on tight and never let go.” He lifted his left hand to cup my cheek as we swayed to the music in the background. “So I took his advice and got back in my truck and drove back to your place.”

  “You scared the hell out of me beating on my door like there was an alien invasion or something.”

  “That was the night everything changed,” he whispered. “The moment you let me inside your apartment and looked up at me the way you did, I knew I would do just about anything to ensure you’d be mine forever.”

  We’d made love that night for the first time, throughout the evening and well into the morning. I remembered the way he held me, the way he looked at me as if he’d just been gifted the world.

  “That was the best advice Gage ever offered me,” Pat said before his lips pressed to mine and we got lost in one another.

  As we stood beneath the lights that glimmered in the darkness, together we managed to forget all that lay ahead. We reconnected in a way that I think we both desperately needed, finding that part of us that had gotten buried beneath all that darkness. We found the love we’d built our lives on. We found that solid ground that made us feel whole.

  Chapter 6

  Patrick

  Kissing her had always given me this weird sense of peace. Like I was home, safe and secure, and nothing could ever touch me. That hadn’t changed; Sawyer was my solace.

  Her skin was damp, and her chest felt as if it were fused to mine as I hovered above her, my weight supported by my forearms as pleasure took over her features. As I slowly moved my hips against hers, her lips parted just before she bit her lower lip and lifted her hips to meet mine.

  Her body tightened around me as she chased her release and prolonged it at the same time. Like she wanted it so bad, but the taunting of its approach pleased her too.

  Sawyer was gorgeous, though she never acted as though she was. I honestly think the fact she didn’t realize it made her even more appealing. Her compassion and strength were what made me fall in love with her so quickly. Her beauty was just a bonus.

  “I love you,” I whispered, knowing the words would cause her to open her eyes and look at me. I loved seeing the look in them when she reached her peak. It was like an addiction. “You consume me; you always have.”

  I moved against her a little faster and her eyes began to close. “Look at me.” I needed to see her. “Show me.”

  She knew what I meant.

  She cupped the back of my neck with her hands, and her fingertips dug into my flesh. Her hips moved faster against mine, and her legs tightened around me seconds before she let go. A slow moan escaped her and I continue to move, feeling her pulsate around me. All the while her eyes remained locked on mine, and I could no longer hold back my own release.

  My guttural moan echoed throughout the darkness of our bedroom and I fisted the sheet on either side of her head as my toes curled.

  Over the last couple of weeks, we’d managed to find our groove once again, not only sexually but emotionally. Yes, we still had rough times, those moments when we’d both realized I would one day be absent from her life. Those moments were tough, but together we’d gotten through them.

  This part, though, where we’d both get lost in one another, was one of my favorite times. We’d manage to forget, even if only for a little while, and just feel.

  I took a few minutes to savor her body’s reaction to lovemaking before I rolled to my side and ensured her body stayed tucked in close to mine with my palm resting against her stomach.

  Five weeks ago I found out I was going to be a father. At that point, she was already close to six weeks along. It was hard to believe she was almost into to her second trimester. I’d noticed her breasts becoming a little fuller, her belly a little rounder. It wasn’t enough of a change to show if she was fully clothed, but when we were like this, I could see.

  “What do you think we’re gonna have?” I asked as I traced around her belly button with the tip of my finger. “Boy or girl?”

  “A boy,” she replied with certainty that surprised me. I would have thought she’d want a girl. “One who looks just like you.”

  “What if I want a little girl who looks just like you?”

  “One day we could have—” She quickly averted her eyes. I’d done the same thing a time or two. I’d thought of something way off in the future and talked of how I couldn’t wait for it. It was still hard to accept that my time was limited, and even harder because we couldn’t know just how long I had left.

  “You still could, you know.” The idea made my stomach feel hollow, but I knew it was a possibility. She was young and beautiful and had a whole life ahead of her. Men noticed her. I’d seen it.

  “Are you kidding me?” She looked at me with irritation, as if I’d just told her she should run out now and find a new man. “I can’t believe you.”

  She tried to move away from me, but I held on to her, refusing to let her escape. “Wait, I’m just saying that someday, far away from now, you could fall in love again and have more children.”

  “Just stop.” She turned her face away and I wished I’d kept my mouth shut.

  “Okay, I’m sorry.” I cupped her jaw and turned her to face me once more. “I have one more thing to say, then we won’t talk about it anymore.” She narrowed her eyes and I couldn’t control the laughter that spilled from me. I immediately realized my mistake. Laughing at her when she’s pissed is like throwing gasoline on a raging fire.

/>   She scurried away and I slid across the bed and hurried after her. “I didn’t mean to laugh,” I said, still feeling the humor bubble inside me, only this time I refrained from expressing it. “It’s just cute when you get all worked up.”

  She spun around to face me, placing her hands on her hips, which only brought my attention to her tits. Of course she noticed immediately were my gaze had fallen and crossed her arms to hide them from my view.

  “I just meant that if that should ever happen, I want you to know now while I’m here to say it that it’d be okay.” She didn’t look pleased that I’d decided to toss that in. “Okay, now that I’ve said it, I’m done. I won’t bring it up again. Can we just go back to bed now?”

  I carefully tugged on her arm and led her back to bed. Once we were both tucked beneath the covers, she turned her body toward mine and looked up at me. Through the darkness I could see the torn look of despair in her eyes.

  “I don’t want to talk about things like that. It feels wrong. Like in some way I’ve moved on even though you’re still here, and that’s something that at this point I don’t think I could ever do.”

  I was gonna argue, assure her again that falling in love after I was gone would be okay, but the urge faded the moment she laid her head upon my chest. She snuggled in close, her arms wrapped around me like a blanket. Her cheek nuzzled me softly as if she were attempting to find the perfect spot, which I knew was the place where she could hear my heartbeat beneath her ear.

  No one could ever know the things running through my mind, unless they themselves were living the same reality as I was. But my need to take care of everything now was powerful. I didn’t want to leave anything unsolved or untouched.

  I’d spend my days at work even though I’d cut back tremendously. I’d worked my ass off to get where I was. I’d pushed myself through school, focusing on my degree. Now looking back, spending my nights and days to get my license as a pharmacist seem almost wasted. It was time I could have spent with Sawyer, but instead I’d spent it on a license I no longer needed. Yet I still had to provide for my wife. I still had to make sure she was taken care of when I was gone. It seemed strange now, going into the pharmacy and being faced with all those patients I knew were battling things themselves. Only the way they looked at me now was so different.