Don't Be Afraid

by C. A. Harms

  But life had to go on.

  I could feel myself fading though I did my best to fight the weakness. Still, the fight was getting harder every day.

  I wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t ready to let go.

  Chapter 7

  Sawyer

  My obstetrician knew the situation and I was so grateful for the efforts of her and her staff. I knew each time we went in for a visit, they’d spend just a little more time with us to allow us to hear the heartbeat of our child. They’d even sneak in an extra sonogram just because they could.

  They did everything they could to involve Patrick as much as possible. Each visit was bittersweet for us. Though I tried hard each time to hide my sadness, it was impossible.

  Like today.

  Tears pooled in his eyes as he stared up in joy at the screen before us, and when they slowly crept along his cheeks, he did absolutely nothing to wipe them away.

  “Everything looks really good,” Dr. Haynes said as she held still, capturing our baby’s heartbeat. “Very strong heartbeat, and you’re measuring at about fourteen weeks now.”

  She took a couple images and printed them out, then handed them to Patrick with a look on her face that I could only describe as heartbreak. My own tears fell then, and I closed my eyes for a moment and silently prayed that he would at least get the chance to see our baby. Maybe get the chance to hold him or her and know them. God, I wanted that so badly.

  When I opened my eyes, Patrick and the doctor were looking at me. She seemed confused at how I’d zoned out for a moment, but Pat wasn’t. It was like he knew what thoughts and wishes were rolling around in my mind. Ten to one, he wished the same thing.

  We walked toward his truck in silence, holding hands. If he was feeling anything close to what I was, I knew he felt that rawness too.

  After he helped me up into the truck, he closed the door and walked around to his side, which took a little more effort for him than it had a month ago.

  It was heartbreaking watching the man who had always seemed invincible struggle now. But he was so stubborn, so proud. I knew he wouldn’t admit he needed help.

  As he closed the door, he looked over at me with that same tortured expression. “I had copies of our wedding video made,” he said, completely confusing me for a moment. “Gage also combined all the videos he and his parents had of him and me growing up. I put them with my own and what my mother could find too. I had everything put on a disc with two spare copies.”

  His reason was clear to me now.

  “I want ‘em to know me,” he whispered, and damn it, I broke. “I want to be there even though I can’t be, ya know?” I nodded because I couldn’t speak.

  He leaned in and took me in his arms, and for a moment we just stayed there, holding one another, saying nothing. Burying my nose against his chest, I breathed in his scent. I’d say I wanted to etch it into my memory, but I’d done that long ago. I could pick out that warm, musky scent of his anywhere. It was something I would never forget.

  “You remember that place we went to the summer before we got married?” I leaned back as he kept hold of my hands. “The Jack Warner, that place on Lake Tuscaloosa?”

  “Yeah.” Of course I remembered. We spent four days there, making love in the afternoon, taking walks at sunset. It was secluded and romantic.

  “What would you say if I told you I booked us an extended weekend there?”

  Part of me wanted to say, “No, we need to stay home where you can rest, not go walking through the woods or staying up to listen to a band playing on the back patio of some bed and breakfast.” Instead, I went with what was playing in my heart on repeat. “I’d say that sounds amazing. I think we could use a little getaway.”

  “Four weeks from now.” He squared his shoulders.

  It was as if he was setting a goal, as if four weeks was nothing. The problem was, four weeks to us was like a lifetime. But I smiled, forcing myself to believe that four weeks was a piece of cake.

  “It’ll be like a small celebration for us, because by then we’ll know what we’re having.” He looked down at my stomach and a grin tugged at the corner of his lips. “Though I already know it’s a girl.”

  A week ago he’d brought home a pink teddy bear. On that same day, after I’d taken a trip to the store, I’d chosen a blue monkey. That night we laughed at our choices. Arguing over the baby’s sex gave us something else to focus on.

  “It’s good to see him finally admitting that he needs to sleep too.”

  I smiled up at Gage as he entered the kitchen and offered my shoulder a gentle squeeze. It was midday and he’d come to spend the afternoon with Patrick. With fall slowly fading and winter rolling in, it was time for football season, and the game was one of many things they shared a love for. I’d heard so many stories of their years of playing ball together.

  But one hour into the game, Pat had fallen asleep on the couch.

  “He was never one for naps, you know that.”

  “Yeah.” Gage moved toward the coffeepot on the counter and poured himself a cup before joining me at the table. Gage was at home here; he always had been. “When’s the next appointment?”

  “Tuesday.”

  The date on the calendar tortured me each time I looked at it. On that day we would once again be forced to face the fact that there was absolutely nothing we could do to extend our time together. It was the dreaded day that I would once again see the disease that was draining the life out of my husband.

  “He said he went in for scans Friday.”

  I nodded and again silence fell between us. I hated the silence. It was where all my nightmares lay.

  “I don’t wanna overstep, but—” He took in a deep breath that caused me to look in his direction. “If you ever need me to go along, just know that I’m here. Just ask.”

  It was then that I really looked at Gage and noticed how exhausted he was too. He had dark stubble along his jaw and chin when he was usually so clean-shaven, and his hair hadn’t been cut for a while when it was almost always perfectly trimmed. I had a feeling that was more Honor’s taste than his own.

  “You look worn out.”

  He chuckled and lifted his coffee cup to his lips. “Is that your way of telling me I look like shit, Sawyer?” He covered his smile with his cup as he took a drink before lowering the cup once more.

  “I’m just saying that though I really appreciate the offer, and your help throughout this last couple months, you need to take care of you too.”

  “Just like you need to take care of you.”

  “I am,” I assured him, though he didn’t look convinced. Gage was a lot like Pat, and I knew I’d lose the fight if I dragged this out, so I moved on.

  “I’m just saying I’m sure Honor would like you home too. That you have things that need to get done, a life to live.”

  Something flashed in his eyes, annoyance maybe. “Believe me, she’s not at home waiting, Sawyer.”

  I knew I shouldn’t push, but lately I found I was always desperate for something to focus on that wasn’t Pat’s next appointment. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, it’s fine.” He looked away from me.

  “If you were Pinocchio, your nose would be growing at this very moment.” My comment made him laugh and my own soft laughter joined his. It felt good.

  “Let’s just say without going into too much detail that my basement has become my bedroom.”

  My laughter died and I felt like an asshole for not thinking he could be having problems of his own during this time. I tended to forget that my problems weren’t the only ones that existed, especially because mine felt like mountains compared to hills right now.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “What are you sorry for? You didn’t tell me to marry a selfish woman. That’s on me.” Silence fell again because truthfully I had no idea what to say. “You know she actually told me that spending all my time here with Pat wouldn’t change the outcome.”

  My stomach te
nsed with anxiety and irritation.

  “She said I had a life to live and that one day I’d have to accept that I’d be living it without him.” He still wouldn’t look at me, and I was thankful because if he did, I was sure he’d notice my murderous expression. I always knew his wife was a bitch, but this was solid proof of her inability to feel anything for anyone but herself.

  “She’s supposed to support me, right? Be there for me if I’m having a tough time and comfort me.” I didn’t know if he was truly asking me or simply confirming what he already knew to be true. “She’s too busy worrying about me painting her kitchen the ugliest fucking shade of green I’ve ever seen in my life before her friends come over at the end of the month. Our house is this month’s gathering place, and that’s all she can talk about. Not the fact I’m losing someone who’s like a brother to me. It’s like she doesn’t care.”

  Because she doesn’t. I didn’t say it because I knew I didn’t need to.

  “This entire thing’s just made me see that much clearer what I already knew. But enough about me.” He smiled in that silly way he did when he was attempting to get himself out of an uncomfortable situation. Sometimes I felt as if I knew him as well as I did Patrick. They’d always been a package deal, as if by marrying Pat I adopted another big, muscle-bound goofball too.

  “You deserve someone that’ll stand by you no matter what,” I said.

  Gage was good man, and the fact Honor couldn’t see that was enraging.

  Chapter 8

  Patrick

  I woke with a feeling of dread. I knew what was to come, and I’d rather skip right over the day. Being reminded of my doom just felt pointless. Sawyer and I would be better off without having to face the fact that I would miss so much and that she would be alone.

  “I was just coming to wake you.” I looked up at our open bedroom door to find Sawyer standing there. Her sweater pushed out at her waist over that sweet little bump that was now hard to hide. I loved seeing her body change. Knowing she’d still have a little part of me with her when I was gone gave me some joy throughout the heartache.

  “You get more beautiful every day, you know that?” Her cheeks reddened as they always did when I gave her a compliment. “Come here.”

  She moved across the room and sat near me on the edge of the bed. I placed my hand over our child, and she placed hers over mine. I found that we did this often.

  “Can you do something for me?”

  “Anything.” She smiled, and fuck, I felt it so deep in my stomach that my heart rate sped. With her by my side, I’ve never had a time when I didn’t feel like the luckiest man alive.

  I waited to speak the words I wanted to, just for a moment. Because I knew the second I did, her smile would fade and I wanted it to last just a bit longer.

  “I don’t want you to go today.” She tensed as the smile slowly left her face, just as I’d thought it would. “I love you so much, Sawyer, and we both already know what he’s gonna say. And I don’t think I can take seeing that look on your face all over again.”

  “I’ll be strong,” she assured me, though I could already see the tears in her eyes.

  “I know you will, baby.” There was no doubt in my mind she would be; Sawyer was amazing. “But I already asked Gage to go with me.”

  “But I—”

  “I need this, Sawyer.” I felt like an asshole for shutting her out, but in a way I also felt like I was protecting her. We both knew I was fucking dying—hell, everyone did. I didn’t need her to fall apart all over again when the doctor reiterated that. “Can you do this for me, please?”

  Hesitantly she nodded, and I sat up and moved closer to her.

  “I don’t want days of sadness after a recap of all the things we heard a couple months ago.” I’d put off going long enough already; I was only going today because she wanted me to. “My mother and Rachel are coming over.” She narrowed her eyes as if realizing I’d had this all planned out without talking to her first. “They promised to make a feast fit for a king, and then tonight everyone will be here to enjoy it with us.”

  I knew her argumentative nature well enough to know she was pissed. Her nostrils flared, her lips pressed in a tight line, and her forehead wrinkled.

  “Can I have a kiss?” I asked, tilting my head to get a better look at her. Her own head hung low as she fought a smile. “Or are you contemplating slugging me instead?”

  Her shoulders shook slightly with laughter, and I knew then I was safe to move in closer.

  “Kiss me.” She lifted her head and stared at me. “Please.”

  She closed the distance between us, and the moment her lips touched mine, the stress of the last day lifted. I’d been trying to figure out the best way to break the news, and of course there was no good way. Which was the reason I waited until the morning of the appointment to tell her.

  “I love you,” I whispered just as she leaned in and stole one more kiss before moving back.

  “I love you too.” With her thumb she traced the line of my jaw, and my eyes involuntarily fluttered shut. “That will never change.”

  “How are you feeling, Patrick?” Dr. Sheppard leaned back in his chair across from me and Gage. My file was opened before him, and those dreaded images of my fate were pinned to the board behind him—the x-ray that showed the aggressive monster inside me. “And don’t say fine.”

  I chuckled, still feeling as if maybe I should have left Gage at home too. I could practically feel him staring a hole into the side of my head.

  “You may be able to hide shit from Sawyer, but I can see right through you.” I looked to my right and locked eyes with Gage as he spoke. “So answer the doc’s questions truthfully.”

  He was a cocky son of a bitch and he knew it.

  “I feel like hell,” I said, still staring at my best friend instead of my doctor. “But you know what hurts the most?” Gage held my stare without even a blink. “My fucking heart, man, because every day I watch my sweet wife fake being happy, though I know on the inside she’s falling apart.” He flinched. “I can take that each time I eat, I end up feeling sick. I can take the constant headaches and fatigue. It’s that look on her face I can’t accept. It pisses me off that I can’t make it go away.”

  Silence settled over the room as Gage and I continued to stare at one another. I knew lashing out at him was wrong, but he was the only person who’d take it without growing angry. I had so much hate inside me that I’d attempted to bury, yet the only thing that did was make it worse.

  “Have you been taking the pain medication regularly as prescribed?”

  “Yes,” I said without looking up at the doctor. Instead, I stared at the flat surface of the desktop that separated the two of us.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to consider chemotherapy?”

  ‘“Run the risk of getting an infection that could potentially lead to my death or speed up the process,” I said sarcastically. “Suffer from nausea, vomiting, and fatigue worse than I do already. And let’s not forget the possibility of mouth sores, and maybe even memory loss. I think I’ll pass. I want to be able to kiss my wife and love her the best way I can until my last day without all of that shit dragging me down.”

  I know Sawyer wanted me to try, but she wanted it for all the wrong reasons. I think somewhere deep inside, she allowed herself to actually believe that a miracle would somehow fix me. But the fact remained that nothing would fix what I have.

  “So be honest with me, Doc,” I said, finally lifting my gaze to meet his. “Will I make it to the birth of my child?”

  Chapter 9

  Sawyer

  I didn’t like not knowing what the doctor had said. I didn’t like the fact Gage and Patrick acted as if they’d gone out for beers instead of sitting in an oncologist’s office. I’d pushed for two days now to find out what went on, and the only thing I got was the brush-off.

  They’d told me there was nothing new and no change in Pat’s condition, but I knew they were lyi
ng. I’d caught Gage staring at Patrick more than once as if lost in deep thought, and the more I watched it, the angrier I got.

  I stood at the sink as they sat at the table behind me while I washed the same plate again and again. I could hear them talking and chuckling as if nothing was going on. The longer I stood there, the more frustrated I got, until I dropped the plate in the dishwater and turned to face them.

  They continued to talk, not noticing me at first, but then Gage glanced over at me and a blank look crossed his features.

  “I know you both are lying,” I said before turning to Patrick. “I also know that you didn’t want me there because you didn’t want me to hear that things may have gotten worse. And I know that you’re aware how I sometimes still allow myself to believe you’ll get better.”

  Patrick took a deep breath as he closed his eyes for a few seconds, then opened them again and met mine.

  “But the both of you sitting there as if the visit didn’t even take place isn’t helping me any more than hearing what the doctor said myself.” I was fully aware I was begging, but I didn’t care. “So please, just tell me the truth.”

  Gage sat there frozen as if he didn’t know whether he should stay or go. When he began to stand, Patrick told him to sit without taking his eyes off me.

  “I’m not gonna get better, Sawyer.”

  That simple, direct statement hurt like hell, but I tucked it away without shedding a tear.