Don't Be Afraid

by C. A. Harms

  “Wow,” Gage whispered. I held her a little tighter as he stared at her, smiling. “I’ve missed so much,” he said sadly as he brushed his fingertips against her cheek. “She looks even more like him than she did when she was born.”

  “I know,” I agreed. “Each day I see Patrick in her more and more.”

  Gage kept staring at her in awe.

  “I should get her inside.” His gaze shifted from Abigail and connected to mine. “She’s probably hungry and it’s almost time for her nap.”

  Gage nodded and followed me into the house. My uneasiness grew at the thought that we’d be forced to talk more, because I wasn’t sure what to say. My head and my heart were on two different wavelengths, and one of them was going to force my mouth to say something stupid that I couldn’t take back.

  “You’ve changed things.” I peered back over my shoulder to find him looking around the kitchen in surprise.

  “Just a little paint and some new curtains. Nothing major. It’s amazing how much just that alone changed the feel of this place.” When his eyes met mine again, I had to look away. The intensity in them made my stomach tighten with uncertainty.

  He remained silent as I gathered up Abby’s lunch and placed it on the tray of her high chair. The moment the food hit the tray, she went at it like a starved child. My sweet little lady had an appetite that amazed me.

  Gage slid a chair up close to her, and she looked up at him as he sat. I watched in awe as he began talking to her as though he hadn’t missed more than eight months of her life.

  “Can I have a bite?” He leaned in close and made a num-num sound. “Please?”

  Abby’s little eyebrows lifted and she slowly moved the green bean she’d been holding toward his mouth. I was mesmerized by the interaction as he snatched the food from her fingers. Her giggle shook me from my thoughts, and I spun around, looking away as I took several slow, calming breaths, trying to hide my apprehension.

  I tensed when Gage’s arm brushed against mine as he stepped up beside me.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  “No,” I said entirely too fast, and I mentally kicked myself for not lying. “Yes.” I looked up to find him staring down at me, his head tilted slightly to the side. His warm, manly cologne gave me that feeling of comfort I’d grown to love whenever he was near.

  “Which is it?”

  I stared at him, trying to formulate an explanation for my crazy, unpredictable reaction. Instead, I looked over his features as the realization of how much I’d missed him washed over me in waves.

  Bang!

  I jumped and looked past him at Abby, who was slamming her sippy cup against her tray. She did that often, and I think she just liked the noise, or watching how it made her food bounce. She wasn’t even looking at us.

  Gage placed his hand against mine, which was still resting on the edge of the countertop. “Sawyer,” he whispered, and goose bumps covered my arms.

  “It’s okay, you know.” I wanted to stop talking, but I couldn’t. I’d been wanting to say this for a long time, and he needed to hear it now. “You made a promise to him, but it wasn’t fair to you.” I swallowed hard when he wrinkled his forehead. “You don’t owe me anything. I’m relieving you of that promise.”

  Part of me wanted to scream, Please don’t accept it. Please stay and be a part of our lives. Don’t leave us again. But my throat was so tight that I couldn’t speak.

  He turned to face me and leaned in a little closer, making my heart ache as if it may beat out of my chest. He slowly let out a breath, yet never took his eyes from mine.

  “You’re right.” My heart sank. “I promised him I’d watch over you both, but being here for you was never about that promise. Damn, Sawyer, I love you girls.”

  Yeah, of course he loved us. We were family. Well, close enough to it. I knew he cared for us. That was never a question.

  “You’ve been a part of my life for a long time. We’ve shared so much over the years, but having you in my life became more real when Patrick got sick. Together, side by fucking side, we watched a man we loved more than anything fade right before us.” He swallowed hard and closed his eyes for a second as if fighting against his pain. “That loss gave us a bond we wouldn’t have otherwise. Not like the one we have now. I think that was what terrified me because this”—he motioned between us—”is more.”

  More. That one word held so many possibilities. “You’re right,” I confessed, “we are bonded, but you have a life to live, Gage. It’s not fair for you to feel you have to place that all on hold for us.”

  “Don’t you get it?” Gage looked over my face slowly, like he was trying to find the answers hidden somewhere within my eyes. Like he needed to know it was okay to continue speaking. “I never felt like my time with the two of you was forced or expected. It was what I wanted.”

  “Then why disappear? Why stay away?” My voice cracked with emotion as my vision blurred from the tears that threatened to spill over.

  He hung his head as he stepped back, his hands on his hips as his shoulders rose and fell with each deep breath, like he was torn or unsure of what to say next. He seemed to be fighting an internal struggle, and it confused and worried me. “Because my guilt was eating me alive.”

  I watched him, waiting for clarification, or anything that would explain what was going on. When he lifted his head and his gaze locked with mine, tears glimmered in his eyes. “When I look at you now, I don’t see my best friend’s widow.”

  Watching him stare at me with such raw emotion was one of the most intense things I’d ever experienced. He was saying so much with just one look, but I was selfish and needed more. So much more.

  “What do you see?” I asked, desperate to hear his answer.

  “The woman I’ve fallen in love with.” He swallowed hard, his throat bobbing. “The woman who somehow changed everything for me without even trying.”

  My heart raced so fast that I felt unsteady on my feet.

  Gage stepped forward and I stepped back, pressing my lower back to the counter as he stood before me. Our close proximity should have scared me, but it didn’t. I looked up at him and our eyes locked.

  “I see someone who I know I could be happy with. Someone who will give me the life I’ve dreamed of. For the last nine months I’ve felt like I was betraying him. Like I should’ve been ashamed of what I’ve been feeling for you, and honestly I have been ashamed. It’s killed me, Sawyer.”

  My stomach felt as if it had hollowed out and dropped to the floor.

  He moved in closer, crowding me, yet I didn’t stop him. I actually enjoyed how close he was getting.

  “But I don’t feel shame anymore, and I’m anxious to make up for everything I’ve missed during my time away from Abby and from you. I’m sorry I ran,” he added, still watching me. “I’m sorry I stayed away so long and hid from my feelings.”

  “What are you saying?” I thought I knew, or at least my heart hoped I was right. But I needed to hear more to be sure that he meant what I thought he did.

  “I’m saying I love you, and I love Abigail.” Tears welled in my eyes as I continued to look at him. “I’m saying that though I made a promise to watch over you, that’s no longer my reason for being here. I want you, and I want Abby. I want us.”

  “You want us?” I repeated.

  Abigail squealed, banging on her tray. I was thankful she was occupied with her food for now, because I knew it wouldn’t last much longer.

  Gage cupped my cheek and I leaned into his touch. “I want us,” he repeated, gently rubbing his thumb over my cheek. “I don’t feel guilty anymore, because he knew, Sawyer.” My eyes widened. “He knew I couldn’t help but fall in love with you. How could anyone not see the beauty inside you and be weakened by it?”

  I closed my eyes, willing the tears to hold off. “He told me not to be afraid to live.” Yet I was afraid, because moving on meant I was letting him go, and I never wanted to do that. But Gage was the one man who wou
ld understand my forever love for Patrick. It would never come between us, he would never make me feel bad for it, and he would love Pat right alongside me. Being able to reminisce about the greatest man we’d ever known was already a bond between us. I think that alone made what Gage and I had so strong. We both loved and would always love Pat. We would also spend our lives making sure Abigail would know about her father and his love for her. Gage would be the dad she’d been robbed of, and he would ensure that Abby’s memory of her daddy was never lost.

  “Let’s not be afraid, together.”

  I opened my eyes and was met with the most endearing gaze of unconditional love. I nodded in agreement, knowing that what I was about to embark upon would be a great love like the one Patrick and I had shared. But I wasn’t scared. I was ready.

  When Gage’s lips met mine, I wrapped my hands around the back of his neck and pulled him in closer.

  Our first kiss was filled with such devotion that it should’ve terrified me, only it excited me. I pulled back and rested my forehead against his, and we remained just like that for a few seconds, neither of us speaking.

  “I think I needed time away on my own to deal with my guilt. Time to accept that what I was feeling was okay.”

  Though I wished he could have done that some other way, I understood. “I missed you, but in a way I think I needed you to leave.” He leaned back, looking at me with confusion. “I needed to be forced to realize I could survive on my own. Yeah, there were so many times I felt like I couldn’t, so many times I wanted you here, but because you weren’t, I think I’m stronger now.”

  “I missed you too, both of you, so much.” Gage draped his arms over my shoulders and pulled me in tight to his chest. “More than I could ever express. It was like part of me was missing. I woke up every day feeling as if I’d forgotten something. But now I’m whole.”

  I blinked past the tears that were once again pooling in my eyes. I knew exactly what he meant.

  A loud squeal filled the kitchen and I laughed as Gage jerked in surprise. “She sounds like she agrees,” he mumbled.

  We looked back at Abby to find her smiling bright as she watched us close, holding on to her cup, which was now covered with all the food she’d smashed against it.

  Chapter 34

  Gage

  “Can I help?” I asked as I stepped up to Sawyer’s side. She held a sleeping Abby to her chest with one arm as she tried to clear the toys Abby had been playing with from her crib.

  With a gentle nod, she stepped aside and I gathered the blankets and the stuffed animals. I smiled when I picked up the pink teddy bear I’d gotten her from the hospital gift shop the day she was born.

  “It’s her favorite,” Sawyer assured me, and call it pride or possessiveness, but that knowledge made me feel superior. “She calls it Cutie.”

  I looked at the two of them. Patrick’s dark curls hung loosely around Abigail’s face as she sucked on the two fingers that had been buried in her mouth since she’d closed her eyes. The contrast of her hair against Sawyer’s blond locks that hung around her shoulders was like night and day.

  I no longer felt guilty when I thought of them as mine. They were now, and not a day would go by where I would allow either of them to believe otherwise. They were now my world, my reasons for happiness, and I planned on spending the rest of my life sharing everything possible with them.

  As Sawyer lowered Abby into the crib, I watched in awe. I’d never felt this kind of love before. Maybe that was wrong of me, and maybe Honor wasn’t the only one to blame for our failed marriage, but I’d never felt a connection like this between her and me. This was real and raw, and it was the most intense thing I’d ever felt.

  When Sawyer stepped back and I moved in to place the blanket over Abigail, that possessive feeling hit me again. I leaned over and softly placed a kissed to her forehead. “Sweet dreams, Angel,” I whispered before I stepped back and allowed Sawyer to do the same.

  We left the bedroom and walked toward the stairs in silence. I’d need to leave soon, but for now I needed a little more time with her, time for just the two of us. So much had taken place in the last few hours, and I guess a big part of me needed the reassurance that we were together on this journey.

  When we reached the foyer at the bottom of the stairway, I took her hand and tugged just enough that she turned to face me. The only thing I wanted then was to soothe the nervousness in her eyes.

  “I start back at the station tomorrow.” She nodded. “It’s late, I know, but part of me just wants to curl up on the couch with you and watch whatever’s on TV just so I can hold you in my arms for a little longer.” She nodded again. “Tell me you feel all the things I feel.” Sawyer’s eyes widened a little, and I was sure she was attempting to hide the reaction as she tucked her head against my shoulder. “Tell me I’m not alone in this.”

  “You’re not alone,” she whispered, but I heard her clearly. “I feel it too.”

  “That’s all I need to know. The rest can wait.” I understood why she may be hesitant, and I was patient. This was happening so fast. This time yesterday she’d had no idea where I was or what I felt for her. Now here I was, pouring out my soul to her, and she needed time to process everything.

  “Do you want me to stay a little longer?” I held my breath, praying like hell that she’d say yes, but willing to accept it if she said no.

  “Yes.” She lifted her gaze and met mine once again. “The movie idea sounds nice.”

  “Okay,” I said in relief.

  I hooked my arm over her shoulders and walked her to the living room. Soon we were curled up on the couch, a blanket thrown over our lower halves as her head rested on my chest. I leaned forward enough that with each breath, I could smell the sweet scent of her shampoo.

  I’d be lying if I said I paid any attention to the movie. But I knew exactly what it sounded like each time Sawyer took a breath and released it. I knew what it felt like to hold her, to feel her laughter against my chest. And that was all I needed to know.

  I was gonna love her so hard and so deep that she’d feel like she was drowning, and nothing about that felt wrong. I was going to teach Abby all the things she needed to know about the man who loved her more than his own life, the man who helped give her life.

  I was going to give them both everything Pat had ever hoped for them, and more.

  The next morning I woke to the sound of my mother vacuuming just outside the door of the guest room I was sleeping in. I lay in bed staring at the door like she’d be able to see my annoyed look through the wood.

  I really had to check with the captain about the apartment he mentioned, because living with my parents was gonna drive me fucking insane. I loved them, but I needed my space. A grown man should never, and I do mean never, move back in with his folks.

  There was a knock on the door just before it burst open and Mom walked in, pushing the vacuum across the carpet. She gave me a smile, then wiggled around like the damn thing was her dance partner and they were cutting loose.

  It was a good thing I had the sheet pulled up tight around my waist, because after my shower last night, I’d decided to crawl into bed forgoing a pair of boxers. My earlier thoughts of Sawyer and the effects those images had on my body were long forgotten now that my mother stood before me.

  The vacuum stopped and I looked up to find her standing at the side of my bed with her hand on her hip and her eyebrow raised. She stared at me as if waiting for something.

  “Um.” I looked down at my side, ensuring I was in fact covered before returning her gaze. “Is there something you needed?”

  “Yes. I need you to tell me how your visit with Sawyer went last night.” Again she arched her brow and jutted her hip out just a little more. “Because Luann said that when you left their house, you went over there for a visit. She also told me about a certain letter you read. So before you decide to tell me you were just checking up on her, I know different. You didn’t come in until after midnight l
ast night, so I know that visit went well.”

  I stared at her like she’d lost her damn mind. Who knows, maybe she had.

  What I found humorous—no, strange was a better choice of words—was that she knew when I came home. I made a mental note to contact the captain the moment my feet hit the floor.

  “We talked, I played with Abigail, and then we watched a movie.”

  I was awarded with her stern motherly look. “And?”

  “I shared what I should have shared before I left, and we’re gonna see where things go.”

  I was met with silence.

  “That’s all I got for now, Ma.” If I wasn’t naked beneath this damn sheet, I’d leave the room to avoid her questioning stare. Something told me she understood my predicament, especially since she continued to wait for more information.

  “If I had more to tell you, I would.” I stared back at her, hoping she couldn’t see right through my lie. Someday, hopefully soon, I’d be able to confess the love I felt for Sawyer and Abigail freely without fear of what people would think, but for now I’d chosen to keep what was developing between us to myself.

  “You need to have those girls over for dinner.” She moved her hand from her hip and pushed the vacuum toward the door. “Because I know damn well there’s more to this story than what you’re sharing. Give me five minutes with her and I’ll have the two of you living the life you’re meant to.”

  She stepped out into the hallway and pulled the door shut behind her, leaving me feeling bulldozed.

  I leaned over and snatched my phone from the nightstand, then sent the captain a message. I needed that apartment.

  Chapter 35

  Sawyer

  “She’s fighting another ear infection.” I leaned over and placed a kiss on Abby’s forehead. “It’s the third one in the last four months.”

  “What does her doctor say?” Rachel sat in the chair a few feet away looking at Abigail with concern.