Don't Be Afraid

by C. A. Harms

  “They mentioned the possibility of putting in tubes.” I smoothed the hair from my little girl’s forehead. “Is it wrong to be terrified at the idea of her going under?” I looked up at Rachel for reassurance. “It’s just a scary thought, and I know it’s crazy and that things like this take place almost daily, but….”

  I was being ridiculous. I already knew I was.

  “Everything will be okay.” She gave me that motherly soothing look I’d realized lately that I cherished. Over the last year I’d turned to Rachel countless times for advice about Abby and being a mother. “Maybe she’ll outgrow it, but if she doesn’t and there’s a need for tubes, it’ll still be all right.”

  I nodded, though I was still unsure.

  “Now, why don’t you get going. She’s asleep, and I know that Gage is expecting you.”

  I remained seated on the floor next the couch where Abby slept as I combed my fingers through her hair. “She’s had her Motrin but—”

  “I know. If she wakes and still seems fine, give her Tylenol before she starts showing signs of pain. Don’t worry, dear. I know what I’m doing. Now get going, and please don’t worry. I’ll call if I need anything.”

  “I’ll call you to check in,” I said as I leaned in to give Abby one more kiss. When I looked up at Rachel, she was smiling back at me as if she already knew I’d call and text often. “I won’t be long.”

  “Take all the time you need.” She practically shoved me out the door.

  During the drive across town from Rachel’s to Gage’s apartment, I thought of turning back around. Leaving Abigail was hard enough, but it was even harder when she wasn’t feeling well.

  My pulse quickened as I pulled up outside the four-unit building. Gage was walking into the lower unit to the left, carrying a box. His shirt was off and hanging from his back pocket. Two other men followed, carrying a couch, and they tilted it to get it through the door. They wore bright orange shirts with a logo on them that matched the one on their moving truck. The words Southern Movers across the back indicated the company they worked for.

  After they got the couch through, Gage reappeared in the doorway and planted his hands on his hips. Taking a deep breath, I opened the car door. The movement gained his attention and he walked over.

  “Hey,” he said as he stepped up and leaned in to kiss me softly. “Sorry I’m sweaty.” He moved back, creating space once again. “Where’s Abby?” He looked over my shoulder at the empty car seat in the back.

  “Ear infection,” I said, and concern washed over his face, making my heart ache. “She’s with Rachel for a few hours. She fell asleep after I gave her some meds, so she’ll be fine.”

  He still didn’t look convinced. “We can do this another time.”

  “Nope,” I said, though my mind agreed. “You asked me to help you make this place look as though you actually live here instead of just renting it for the time being. So that’s what I’m here to do.” I stepped forward and gave him my best smile. “Show me the way.”

  He allowed me to pass, then wrapped his arms around me from behind after I’d only moved a few feet. I squealed when his chest pressed tightly to my back and he kissed the side of my neck. “Thank you for coming,” he whispered before kissing up toward my ear. “I was hoping to have you and Abby over tonight for pizza maybe.”

  I looked back over my shoulder at him. He was so cute with that hopeful look in his eyes. “Maybe she’ll feel up to it. We’ll see.”

  I remember the way I felt when I’d first met Pat. The excitement and newness of those first steps in a relationship. The nerves and the fear of something messing it up were all so unpredictable. But it was different with Gage. We’d known each other for so long, and the comfortable feeling I’d get from his touch that made every move he made and every word he spoke feel so real. Falling in love and getting to know someone while worrying about what to do or say wasn’t something we had to deal with. We already had the attachment that generally takes weeks into a new relationship to develop.

  Hand in hand, he led me to the apartment and we stepped aside as the two men exited the front door. They nodded as they walked to their truck for the next piece of furniture.

  “Was easier to let them load and unload,” Gage said before pulling me inside.

  The apartment had a small living room and kitchen separated by a bit of space for a table. The two doors at the back of the living room led, I assumed, to the bedroom and bathroom.

  “It’s small but I don’t need much space.” He leaned against one of the doors as I did a full turn in the center of the room. “And I had to get out of my parents’ house.”

  I arched a brow and he laughed.

  “My mother, God love her, she hovers.” It was now my turn to laugh. “I’d had enough the moment she walked into the guest room carrying a basket with all my clothes, telling me she thought I should wear the loose boxers my father wears instead of tight boxer briefs.”

  My laughter grew heavier.

  “She even bought me a package of plaid ones and said I should give them a try.”

  “And did you?” I asked as he stared at me with his arms crossed over his bare chest. He unlinked them and reached for the waistband of his pants, then pushed them down his trim waist just enough to show the band around the top of his boxers that displayed the words Calvin Klein. “Nope,” he said, and I looked up at his knowing smirk. “I’ll stick with these.”

  “Good choice.” My voice came out in a hoarse whisper as I realized the effect that small movement had on me. Gage was a fit and appealing man.

  Chapter 36

  Gage

  “What’s the hurry?” Eric stepped in front of me before I could hurry past him. “Got a hot date?” He sidestepped and blocked me when I attempted to go left.

  “Yeah, actually I do.”

  He arched his brow and got out of my way. I knew that people would have opinions about Sawyer and me being together. Some would assume we had something going on all this time, or possibly even before Patrick passed. She and I had talked about this over and over and had finally agreed that our families were the only ones who needed to know. People who looked down on our decision or thought the worst of us didn’t belong in our lives.

  “And?”

  “Sawyer,” I said without feeling an ounce of guilt. “I’m taking Sawyer out to dinner.”

  I weighed Eric’s expression—the surprised lift of his brows, the way his mouth hung open.

  “That’s good, man.” Eric slapped my shoulder and gave it a firm squeeze. “Real good.”

  I was a little surprised. I guess I expected more resistance. Eric may not have been as close to Patrick as I’d been, but he still knew him. We were all friends.

  “Yeah,” I said because honestly I didn’t know what else to say.

  “I think he’d approve,” Eric added as he stepped back, and my chest tightened. “Face it, man, he trusted you more than anyone else.”

  I left the station feeling good about the night. This would be our first official date, or whatever, and Willow had insisted on babysitting Abby. I was still shocked at how everyone in our families had accepted this, as if they’d already approved of us being together and had only been waiting on us to catch up with the idea. It was surreal.

  After a quick shower, I threw on my clothes and practically jogged out of the house. Fuck, I felt like a kid again. My body hummed with excitement as I drove up the drive toward Sawyer’s. The porch light was on, and the blind moved on the sidelite just to the left of the door, which led me to believe she’d been watching and waiting.

  As I walked up the porch steps, the front door open and I froze, unable to move any farther.

  “Damn,” I mumbled, and she grinned so wide it made me chuckle. “Sorry, but—” I shook my head. What the fuck was wrong with me? I was tripping over my words. “You look amazing.”

  “Thank you.” Her smile grew and it made my heart race. Before I could stop myself, I went to her and cu
pped her face, pulling her lips to mine. When she sighed I slid my tongue along the seam and took advantage of the moment they parted.

  “You’re beautiful,” I whispered before I kissed her again, not giving her a second to respond. “I’ve been looking forward to tonight since the moment you said yes.”

  “Me too,” she confessed as we rested our foreheads together while I tried to slow my racing heart.

  “Did Willow already pick up Abby?”

  When she nodded I felt a pang of disappointment at not being able to step inside and give her a hug. “Well then, I guess we can take off. Are you ready?”

  She nodded and I linked my fingers with hers and led her down the stairs to the passenger side of my Tahoe. When she was buckled up, I leaned in to steal another quick kiss before closing the door and hurrying around to the other side. I couldn’t stop myself from linking our fingers again and resting them on her thigh. She smiled brightly as she looked down at our joined hands while I backed out of the drive.

  When I’d asked her three days ago where she wanted to go for dinner, I chuckled at her answer: Texas Roadhouse. Sawyer was simple, and I loved it. She felt no need to even attempt to impress anyone around her.

  A few familiar faces glanced at us as the waitress led us toward our booth. It may have been related to the fact I was still firmly holding her hand, but I wasn’t willing to let go and she didn’t seem willing to, either. When we slid into the booth, she made sure to slide all the way to the end, opening up the space next to her, and I followed right behind.

  “They all gotta get used to it sometime, right?” Those big beautiful blue eyes stared up at me in hope and I couldn’t help but close the distance between us and press a gentle kiss to her lips.

  “Yes, they do,” I assured her.

  Throughout dinner we laughed and things felt natural. There was no shying away from the topic of Patrick—hell, we talked about him freely and smiled as we remembered everything the three of us had shared. Neither of us cared about the curious glances or even those who gaped in shock.

  I paid the check and we stood, then I wrapped my arm over her shoulders. Side by side we walked out of the restaurant and headed toward the truck.

  “Gage?”

  Sawyer paused as a woman said my name. I didn’t have to look to know it was Honor. I’d spent long enough with her to recognize her voice.

  “It is you.” I turned back to the restaurant to find Honor walking toward us while leaving behind a man near the restaurant doors who looked old enough to be her father. His hair was silver, his eyes were wrinkled around the edges, and from the looks of his suit and Rolex, I’d say she’d finally found someone to support her expensive spending habits and tastes.

  “When did you get back in town?” She threw her arms over my shoulders as if we were longtime friends and not ex-husband and wife.

  She didn’t even acknowledge Sawyer.

  “About a week ago,” I replied before pulling Sawyer to my side.

  Honor raked her eyes over Sawyer from head to toe. “Well, you should’ve called.”

  It was all an act. I’d recognized it immediately.

  “Why would I?” She flinched. “We’re divorced, and even before that there were days, weeks even, that we didn’t talk. Hell, we lived in the same house and rarely saw one another.” Honor looked back over her shoulder at the guy, who watched us closely. “Let’s not pretend we’re anything more than two people who made a mistake when we thought we were right for each other.”

  “So did the two of you always have something going on behind our backs?”

  Sawyer stepped forward, but I took her arm to stop her.

  “Let’s not do this, because I think you already know the answer to that, and you’re only gonna further embarrass yourself in front of your friend.” Part of me was pissed at the insinuation that I would have cheated on her, and with my dying best friend’s wife no less. But I knew her well enough to know she understood how farfetched that was. “The only blessings we needed were Patrick’s and our families’, and we got those. Nothing else matters, Honor. Nothing.”

  We stood there staring back at one another as I waited to see if she’d say anything more. When she didn’t and her shoulders sagged, I looked up at the man who still waited for her to come back. “You have a nice night.”

  He offered a hesitant wave, and Sawyer and I walked to my SUV.

  “What did you mean when you said we got Patrick’s blessing?”

  I paused with my hand on the handle of the passenger door and looked over at Sawyer to find her watching me closely. “Back there you said Pat’s blessing and our families’ was all we needed, and we’d gotten that. I understand that we got our families’ approval, but Pat’s?”

  I always knew that someday I would show her the letter Patrick left for me. I just didn’t imagine it would be tonight.

  “He left me a letter.” Her eyes wrinkled in confusion. “Perry had two, actually: one for any man you one day decided to move forward with, and one for me.”

  Her eyes filled with tears and I reached for her, but she held up her hand, making my heart lurch. “What did it say?”

  “Just that—”

  “No, I wanna read it.”

  I wondered if this was an appropriate time or place to have this discussion. I thought about convincing her to allow me to drive her back to the house, where we could talk about this in private, but I knew that wouldn’t happen. I could see the determination in her eyes, and when Sawyer got that way, nothing would change her mind.

  “I need to read it.” Her voice cracked with emotion even as she tried to control it. I understood her need to know now; I’d felt the same the moment I knew the letter existed. These were Pat’s words, and the longing to know what he felt was too powerful to ignore. I stepped back and reached into my back pocket for my wallet. Her gaze was practically glued to my movements as I unfolded the worn leather and took out the letter I’d carried with me every day since Perry handed it to me. I’d fully intended to put it somewhere safe, but during my move I was fearful of misplacing it, and my wallet seemed like a safe place at the time.

  I handed it to her and she unfolded it carefully, as if it was the most precious thing she’d ever held. I understood, because to me, it was. That letter was Patrick’s permission for me to love Sawyer. It was the greatest gift he’d ever given me.

  Her eyes shifted from side to side as she read each line. Tears formed in them before slowly running along her cheeks. I wanted to take her in my arms and soothe her, only I knew she needed this so I fought the urge. Watching her fall apart and not doing a damn thing was one of the hardest things I’d ever done.

  “He knew,” she whispered without looking up from the paper. “How?”

  “I don’t know.” I’d asked myself that same question so many times. “He just did.”

  Sawyer let out a slow, steady breath before carefully refolding the letter. When she held it out to me, I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach because she wouldn’t look at me. Instead, she focused on the empty space between us and twisted her hands after I took the paper. Her gaze shifted to my hands as I placed the letter in my wallet and put it in my back pocket.

  “Sawyer,” I said, though I wasn’t exactly sure what I intended to say after. It was more of a plea to gain her attention.

  “Can you just take me home?”

  I nodded, though she was looking down again as she took in one deep breath after another.

  I’d give her time to process this, but there was no way in hell I’d let her go.

  Chapter 37

  Sawyer

  “Mommy!” I bent down just in time to catch Abigail as she dove toward me. She was still wearing her Cinderella pajamas and her hair was in pigtails, but one hung a lot lower than the other.

  Her giggles as I lifted her and kissed her cheek eased my sadness a bit.

  “So how was last night?” Willow asked eagerly, gaining my full attention. I couldn’t he
lp laughing as I saw that she, too, wore Cinderella pajamas, though they were a more grown-up version of Abby’s.

  “What the hell are you wearing?”

  She looked down and rocked back on her heels as if taking herself completely in before looking back at me. “Princess pajamas.” Her casual tone and the way she wrinkled her brows and nose made me laugh even more. “What’s wrong with ‘em?”

  “Nothing,” I assured her, “nothing at all.”

  Instead of plying me with further questions, she shrugged and spun around, then walked toward her small kitchen. “So are you gonna tell me about your night or do I need to call up my new BFF, Gage, and get the details?”

  Abby began wriggling, so I lowered her to the ground so she could go back to watching cartoons. I moved up to the counter separating the kitchen and living room. “Did you read the letter?”

  Willow looked back over her shoulder as she lowered the coffeepot back to the base. “What letter?”

  “The one Patrick wrote for Gage.” She averted her gaze and lifted both steaming cups from the counter, then moved over and placed one before me. “The letter your dad had, the one Gage now has in his wallet.”

  She didn’t have to answer me. I could see the answer in her eyes.

  “Do you think it’s our obligation?” Willow tilted her head and stared at me in confusion. “Like maybe he feels as if he has to care for us; like everyone expects him to love us now that they know what Patrick hoped for.”

  “Do you honestly believe that?” Willow placed her coffee on the counter and pressed her palms on the granite surface. “Because if you actually say yes, you might just piss me off.”

  “I just keep thinking—”

  “Stop.” Her stern tone surprised me. “Gage spent months trying to ignore his feelings for you. He went to Arizona to put distance between you, hoping he’d be able to clear his head and forget what he felt. That man cried and grew angry with himself over and over, feeling ashamed of loving you for months, Sawyer.” She kept her voice low, but I heard the intensity in it. “ Patrick’s letter was what finally gave him clarity. It allowed him to accept what he’d felt for you and understand that those feelings were okay. Don’t you dare try to make what he’s feeling out to be some repayment to my brother.”