Letters to Lily (Letters to... #1)

by Christine M. Butler

  “That doesn't sound like something that girl would do. I could see it in her eyes even when you guys were still young. She's loved you for a long time. That doesn't just go away like that.”

  “Well, I guess we'll see. I did mention there were pictures of her with another guy.”

  “Do you still have them?”

  “Yeah, unfortunately, I torture myself with them at least every other day.” I pulled into the driveway of the cabin I purchased for my mother, but she didn't even look out the window at her new home. Her sole focus at the moment was on me, waiting to see the evidence of Sasha cheating on me while I was stuck in Vegas helping her.

  “Here,” I offered her my phone after I pulled up the pictures that Jason had sent me a few months ago. My mom studied both pictures for a few minutes and then cocked a quizzical brow at me.

  “This is what you thought cheating looked like?” She asked me sincerely.

  “Um, yeah. His hands are all over her.” I sniped back.

  She shook her head and glanced back down at the images. “Do you want to know what I saw at first glance?”

  “What mom?” I rolled my eyes waiting for her response.

  “I saw a girl being comforted because she was obviously falling apart.” My head snapped over in my mother's direction then. She was holding the cell phone up with the first picture, the one where Sasha was in some guy's lap on the landing outside of her apartment. I wish I could see his face in order to read the emotion there. Hell, all I could see of Sasha's was in profile, half of her face hidden in his shoulder, almost as if… hell, almost as if she were hiding tears. How had I never noticed that before?

  “Her fingers are curled up around his shirt like she's holding on for dear life, there are papers scattered about their feet like she dropped some bad news or something.” My mom's words came out sorrowful. “I hope Ashley's okay. I can't imagine too many things that would make a girl lose it like that.” My mom took possession of the phone back long enough to change to the other image. “I'm sure you failed to see her roommate in this picture too, because the only thing her boyfriend would see is the fact that a man was carrying her, but look at that.” She handed my phone back and I did look. I looked beyond the image of Sasha and the mystery guy and saw Kristin there in the doorway. Then I pinched in on the photo, zooming in tighter on her, and she appeared worried.

  She could have been worried that her friend would be caught cheating, but I didn't think so. Kristin would put her foot up Sasha's ass for something like that, best friend or no. She didn't tolerate people who weren't true to themselves and loyal to the people they cared about. Damn it, I should have pushed Jason harder while I was in Vegas to get me a phone number.

  “Why didn't you ask Mick to find her?” My mom finally asked as I continued to stare at the image on my phone that now held so many more questions and less certainty than it had before.

  “What?” My head shot up, surprised by her question.

  “Why didn't you get Mick to find out her new phone number, or whatever?”

  “Jesus!” I hissed the one word under my breath, because in all this time it had never occurred to me that I could do that. I was too lost in everything else that was going on and what I allowed myself to believe about Sasha that it never even crossed my mind to have a professional track her down after Jason failed me. Sure, Mick was a lawyer, but he knew people who could have found out the information. Hell, he had those type of people on retainer for the firm.

  “I blame myself. Everything got messed up for you because I was too busy being an idiot and making you clean up my messes. When did you become the parent and I become the child?”

  I gave her a half-hearted laugh then. “I'm not sure, but I'll take a roll reversal again any time now. I'd love to be 19 again instead of 40.” She seemed slightly dejected by the truth in my statement so I did the only thing I could. I went for distraction. “Mom?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Look up at your new place.” She did, and I had the first reason in months to celebrate something. Her face glowed with a surprised smile.

  “Oh my goodness, this is adorable!” She was out of the Jeep and heading to the front door before I even got my keys out of the ignition. “I love the flower boxes.” She beamed in my direction, moisture gathering in her eyes as she moved her focus from the little cabin to me. “It's perfect, Kaden.” In a reverent whisper she added, “this is what I always dreamed of having instead of that garish display of wealth your father made me buy all those years ago.”

  “Good, maybe now you can focus on being happy for a while.” The first genuine smile I'd had for my mother in months finally decorated my own face. I couldn't hate her in this moment, no matter what her actions may have cost me. This was the first time I'd seen my mom truly happy in a long damn while. I only hoped that carried over to the interior of the house as well.

  Aug. 1 -

  Two days after my mom and I first laid eyes on her new house I was finally ready to go take care of business. My first order of business was to head on over to Jason's apartment, my old apartment, and clear out all my stuff. I paid up the rent for a full six months when I first went to Vegas and let him know that at the end of those six months, no matter what, I would be moving out. I thought it would be a move to become my own man and get my first place as an adult - whether alone or with the woman I love by my side. As it turned out, I didn't even know if the woman I loved was still around, and I was moving in with my mom again until I was certain she could handle life again.

  I had a key, but I knocked anyway. I saw Jason's truck sitting out front when I rolled up, but honestly, I still wasn't sure what to do about Jason. I didn't know what to believe, and I guess I was trying to keep a distance between us until I could figure out this whole situation.

  The front door opened and my stunned, slack-jawed, former roommate and best guy friend stood there. He was shirtless, jeans barely pulled up, let alone buttoned, and he looked like he hadn't slept or been sober in a week. “Dude? What are you doing knocking on your own door? Did you lose your key or something?” He quickly checked the space around me as if he were looking for something or somebody else to be there.

  “No, I just haven't been here in months, so it felt…” I ran my hand through my hair in a semi-nervous gesture. “I don't know, I just felt knocking to give you a heads up to company was the best way to go.”

  “Company? Fuck, dude! You're my brother, what's up with this company shit?” At that he moved forward and dealt out an awkward chest bump, back slap, style bro-hug. “It's good to see you man. I still can't wrap my head around the family drama that blew up on you.”

  He stepped back into the apartment, which was a wreck, and I followed him inside. “Damn, Jase, do you even bother to clean anymore?”

  He looked around with a bit of a sheepish, almost embarrassed grin, and shrugged. “It's been a hell of a week, or so,” he muttered to me before heading into the kitchen.

  “Jaaa-son!” A woman's voice called out from somewhere in the back of the apartment. I could only guess she was leftovers from whatever he got up to the previous night. And before he could even answer she sauntered out in nothing more than her birthday suit and bad bed-head. Her raccoon-blackened eyes stretched half way down her cheeks, and she stumbled as if she were still drunk and not just hung over.

  “Damn, baby. Go put some clothes on, my roommate's here.” Her head snapped up when he mentioned me, but instead of being shamed or modest in any way she moved further into the room while evaluating my presence.

  “Mmm, did he come to join us?” She was trying for a sultry tone, but it was lost in the sluggishness of her slurred words.

  “Not my style, and you might want to go tidy up before you proposition people.”

  She looked down at her own naked body then before slurring some more words at me that sounded suspiciously like, “whas wrong wif dis?”

  “Seriously, babe, go look in a mirror. Your hair, makeup all over
your face, hell…” Jason snapped. At his tone, she pivoted sloppily on her heels and went to hide in the bathroom.

  “I'm guessing last night was a real blast for you?”

  He simply shrugged again before plopping down on the couch. “Dude, I'm glad you're back. It's been…” he paused a moment, lost in thought. “Hell, it's been lonely, if I'm being honest. I was really used to you being here all the time to talk to. You're the only family I have anymore.”

  Okay, that last line made me feel like an ass for avoiding him, but the truth of the matter was it didn't change the fact that I had to care for my mom. Hell, even without my mom in the picture it wouldn't change the fact that I needed my own space. “Jason, I'm not moving back in. I told you six months when I first got to Vegas.”

  He looked momentarily crushed then, but perked up quickly. “Yeah, but it's only been, what? Half that? When I saw you at the door, I figured you changed your mind.” His voice was hopeful as he delivered that last statement.

  “Nah, man. I'm…”

  “She can't be in the picture, man. Not after what that cunt did. So what the fuck?” His tone was sharp and disapproving.

  The reaction I had to his words was a physical thing. I stepped back as if I was ducking a swing, and then my eyes narrowed on him. “I really hope like hell you didn't just call Sasha a cunt to my face.” My words came out on a growl and I saw the fear in his eyes as he threw his hands up in apology.

  “Sorry man, I'm still not right from partying last night. I didn't think you'd be taking up for her after she cheated though.” His words degraded from actual apologetic tone to a sneer at the end.

  “I'm not so sure she did,” I heaved a sigh.

  “What? I sent you fucking pictures. How can you question that?” Then he looked almost worried. “Wait, have you spoken with her?”

  “No, I haven't, but only because I have no clue how to get a hold of her. I drove by her apartment the other day after I got back, but I saw people coming and going from there that didn't belong. I don't think she lives there anymore.”

  “She doesn't.” He spat out the words.

  “Why didn't you tell me she moved too?”

  “I didn't think you would care man, after what I saw.”

  “Yeah, well, my mom pointed some things out in those pictures you sent me that didn't quite add up. I'd rather hear it from her. Although, after all this time of not being able to talk to her, I'm sure it will all be a moot point anyway. I'm sure she hates me.”

  “Yeah, well, maybe you just need to put that horse out to pasture and start anew anyway. It was never a good match, if you ask me. That girl was going to do nothing but cling to you until you were drowning.”

  “What in the actual fuck, Jason?” I must have startled him because he jumped from his position on the couch before settling back in. “You, of all people, knew how I felt about her for years. Even when she didn't know, you did. How can you even put it all on her like she was a stalker? Hell, if anything I'm the one that can't move on without her.”

  “Well, she moved on without you, so maybe you should give it a shot,” he snapped. “I have to go tend to what's her name in there, so do whatever you came to do. We can talk when I'm feeling better.” He got up and marched to his room without a backwards glance.

  The feeling in my gut was something so twisted I wasn't sure what to do with it. Jason, apparently, had some serious animosity towards Sasha. She'd mentioned it to me a time or two before. Hell, she'd claimed it was one of the reasons she could never move in with me if he was living there. I had never seen it, and she tried telling me he wasn't nice when I wasn't there to notice, but I thought she was just… Hell, I don't know what I thought. Not that she was making it up, but maybe just blowing his moods out of proportion, because he could definitely be a moody fucker at times. After his outburst today, I wasn't so sure anymore. I felt like I had yet another apology to deliver to Sasha if I could ever find her again.

  Chapter Nine

  ~Sasha~

  Aug. 2 - “Do you see that?” Doctor Marsh asked me while pointing at the black and white grainy image on the monitor.

  “Um, no,” I shook my head as I tried to see what she was pointing to. I turned to Kristin, who was standing beside the examination table I was currently lying on. The crinkly paper cover was wrinkling underneath me and making a scratchy noise as I tried to crane my neck to see better.

  “I'm not sure,” Kristin admitted.

  “Okay, hold still a minute, try not to move.” The doctor ordered as she pushed the wand around my belly again trying to get back the angle she had before I moved around. “There,” she positioned the curser in a specific spot and then wiggled it around. “You don't see anything there, because there's nothing to see. No penis ladies,” she cracked a smile as she admitted that out loud.

  “Oh my god!” Kristin yelped out. I was slower to understand, but the minute it hit me the tears began to flow.

  “A girl?” I asked through the emotion that was currently thickening my throat.

  “A girl,” she confirmed.

  The first words out of Kristin's mouth were laced with pure heartbreak for me. “Good. I hope she looks just like you then.” It wasn't her exact words that broke me. It was what she meant underneath. If the baby was a girl and looked like me maybe my heart wouldn't hurt with the constant reminder of her daddy. I had admitted to her one day that while I had always wanted to have a boy first when I used to dream of kids in my future, I was somewhat scared that it would happen now. What if I had a boy that looked like him? What if it broke my heart to see my baby? I knew she was being supportive in what she was saying, but that didn't stop the heartbreak from happening on far too many levels.

  “Can I get pictures of that? My mom is going to flip out.” I tried for a smile to hide my hurt. The doctor beamed one of her bright smiles back at me then.

  “Of course, I all ready have them cued up to print, and you will have the entire ultrasound on the thumb drive you brought in for me anyway.”

  “Yay! We can add it to the scrapbook.” Kristin had been taking pictures of my growing baby bump every two weeks since I found out I was pregnant. For every set of pictures, she printed one out and added it to my book along with the date it was taken, and how far along I was. Included with those were the first two sets of ultrasound pictures. I actually wasn't supposed to be scheduled for an ultrasound this time, but Dr. Marsh and my mom went to high school together, and she felt bad that we didn't get to see the gender last time. So, she snuck me in as a favor.

  “Everything else looked good. The baby is still measuring on time, and you're looking plenty healthy. Your weight is good. I was a little concerned about the dark circles under your eyes though. You want to talk about that? Are you sleeping well? There are natural things you can do to help with getting you to sleep if…”

  “No, it's not that. I just had an emotional day yesterday. I thought I saw someone… the dad,” I admitted. I hadn't even told Kristin yet. “It couldn't have been him. He moved away and didn't leave a forwarding address, number, or anything. But, anyway, I was just seeing things. Still didn't matter to my heart that I was wrong. It was a kick in the pants when I saw that Jeep drive by.”

  “He never had a Jeep,” Kristin offered sympathetically. I hadn't told her about it, because I didn't want to see that look on her face. Ugh.

  “I know. I told you, it was just my mind playing tricks.”

  She patted my shoulder as Dr. Marsh wiped the gooey gel off my belly for me. “I'm sorry,” she offered. “I know your situation isn't ideal. Do try to find some happy times in your days though. I truly believe the babies, even in utero, can key in to mom's emotions.”

  “Yeah, stop depressing Lil'Bit.” Kristin teased as she playfully smacked my arm. “Maybe it's time to write a real journal entry to her now?”

  “Oh, journaling is a good outlet for pent up emotions. I approve!” Dr. Marsh smiled at me then before patting my knee. “Okay, ladies,
I'm going to head out and do my paperwork thing so I can get you on your way. Go ahead and get dressed and I'll have the nurse bring the paperwork in as soon as it's ready. I'll see you in another month, but know if you have any problems or just need to talk you can call. We'll make the time.”

  “Thanks Doc.” I sat up, pulling my shirt down and trying not to dislodge the little napkin's worth of material they gave me to cover up my lower half. As soon as the doctor was out I pointed down to my lap and complained to Kristin. “I've seen hookers wear more material than this.”

  Her laughter did what I had hoped for and lightened the entire mood of the visit. I put my hands on my belly then, remembering the news I'd just received. “I'm having a baby girl,” I said on a smile.

  “You are!” Kristin hooted out her excitement. “And she's going to be the most spoiled princess ever. Now, you have to get busy finding a name for my niece.”

  “Yeah, I guess I do.” I all ready had the baby's name picked out, but I wasn't ready to tell anyone yet.

  “Crap,” I have twenty minutes to get to work,” Kristin pronounced after glancing down at her phone.

  “Go. They don't usually take too long to get my paperwork out. It will be fine. This is why we drove separately after all.” She smiled at me, leaned down and kissed the top of my head. Then Kristin patted my belly gently, “see you both later,” she added reverently.

  After my paperwork was in hand, new appointment made, and I was safe and sound back at home I took the images from the ultrasound back out and stared at them for a while. Dr. Marsh had printed three pictures out. Two showed the sex and one showed the baby's head and where she was sucking on her thumb. It was the cutest thing ever.

  I placed the picture where she was sucking on her thumb on the refrigerator with a magnet. I'd wait until Kristin got home to add it to the baby's book since we always did that together. One of the pictures showing the baby's sex, I tucked into my journal after realizing Dr. Marsh had all ready labeled it with the computer. The top of the sonogram picture, aside from all the usual information, stated clearly, “I'm a girl!”