Letters to Lily (Letters to... #1)

by Christine M. Butler

  It wasn't that I didn't like Brad or enjoy his company. I absolutely did, but I didn't want to hurt him by leading him on either. I knew exactly how that felt.

  “Thank you both for all the help!” I called out so that Mal would hear me too. “Once we get everything unpacked, we are definitely cooking you guys a nice dinner to thank you.”

  “You know that's not necessary,” Brad started.

  “But we will gladly take you up on that offer,” Mal interjected. “This guy never turns down a hot, home cooked meal. Chivalry be damned!” Everyone laughed at his sentiment.

  “I can't argue with that logic. We've all played the part of broke college student getting by on Ramen noodles,” Kristin added.

  “Okay, well we will set that up sometime soon then,” Brad offered.

  “Yep, thanks again for the help. We really appreciated it.”

  “Anytime, Prego!” He laughed out his clever new nickname for me as he walked to the front door. “Oh, hey!” Brad turned back in my direction, “I forgot to ask earlier. I know you always have your appointments at the end of the month. Did you go to this month's yet?”

  I nodded that I did.

  “How was it? I mean, it's about that time, isn't it? Where they can tell what sex the baby is?”

  My smile confirmed his suspicions. “I did go, but Lil'Bit was not cooperating. Apparently this kid is modest or something, and wasn't giving up the goods.” I laughed out. “I don't know whether to be proud or angry.”

  “Well, if it turns out to be a girl, I'd say definitely proud. She all ready knows a little mystery goes a long way. It's different if it's a boy though,” Brad added with a twinkle in his eye.

  “Oh yeah, how so?”

  “Boys just don't care, they'd whip their junk out anywhere. To compare with other boys, to piss on trees, to just hang free in the wind…” he said these things reverently. “We honestly don't need a reason to let it all hang out, so when a guy purposely hides his junk, he's up to something. I'd say a little mischief in not letting you get prepared with proper nursery colors or something in this case.” He winked at me as he said the last.

  “That would be my luck and so much like…” I cut myself off before I said his name. That familiar ache was all ready there with the almost mention. Damn it. I averted my eyes from everyone else in the room and glanced down at my feet so that I could get the impending waterworks under control before any tears fell and embarrassed me. That was when I felt a hand snake around the nape of my neck and tug me closer. Warm breath fanned across the top of my head as Brad planted a kiss there, and then released me from his gentle hold to back away to the door.

  “If you ladies need anything, call one of us. I mean it!”

  “Yes, sir!” Kristin offered with a salute as she walked them both out of the house and shut and locked our front door. “I swear, if you don't end up falling for his charms eventually, I am going to push you out of the way and marry that man myself,” she sighed.

  I choked out a half laugh. “I wish my headspace was normal enough to think like that. It's been months since I've heard from you-know-who and I still get this kick to the gut feeling every time I accidentally almost say his name. How in the hell am I supposed to ever be able to tell the baby about their dad? I mean, will I ever be okay to talk about it?”

  “I imagine it's a lot like when a person dies. Things will just get a little better as time goes on. Your biggest problem is that you got zero closure on the matter and whole lot of baggage to carry in the meantime.” She sighed. “Honestly, it would have been easier on you if he had died, because you could have grieved and moved on you know? Instead, you have to wonder why he's gone, if he's coming back, and a whole slew of other things. It sucks for the moving process to have all those questions rumbling around in that pretty little head of yours.”

  “Yeah,” I huffed out. “I think I'm going to go grab a bubble bath and then just go straight to bed today. I feel really worn out, and if I weren't pregnant I'd probably drown myself in a bottle of vodka or something to numb those pesky damn questions.”

  “So bubble bath is the pregnant woman's vodka?” Kristin laughed, and her smile warmed my heart as much as her hug did. I attempted to smile back. She wasn't fooled. The topic of conversation had turned depressing for me, and I was trying to bow out of it without looking like an idiot. “Hey, before you go, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

  “What's that?”

  “Remember when we were younger and you used to write in your diary all the time?”

  “Yeah, I do. I burned them all after the epic senior prom that wasn't though.”

  She cringed at the reminder of one of the worst spots in my history with Kade, present issues aside. “Well, yeah, I remember. What I was thinking though is that it used to help you.” She was wringing her hands together, something she did any time she had to talk to me about things that made her nervous. “I know you didn't get closure of any kind with Kade this time, and being pregnant is making it even harder to close that door without the answers you want. I hate seeing you sad all the time though. I was thinking that maybe if you started writing in your journal again you would feel better, because you're getting it out.” She let out a heavy breath and made sure to look directly at me when she added the rest. “We talk, a lot, but I think there are plenty of things you want to say, especially to him, that you just don't want to tell me. Maybe, I don't know, write him a letter in your journal. Ask all those questions knowing you won't get a response, but just to get it all out there. Tell him how you feel and what you're going through with the pregnancy. Maybe one day, you'll be able to actually send him the letter and get answers. Maybe not, but at least you're getting it all off your chest.

  “And if that isn't enough, start writing letters to your baby. It might help you work through what you do and don't want to tell Lil'Bit later, you know? Or you could even just write a bunch of cutesie shit down once in a while that you will be able to put in a baby scrapbook later on. I just need you to do something, sweetie, because I hate seeing you stuck in this miserable bubble you've been in.”

  “I know. I'm sorry that I've been such a moody pain in the ass. I'd like to blame pregnancy hormones completely, but I think it's 95 percent my broken heart causing the issues.” I walked over and hugged Kristin again then. “Thanks, for caring so damn much.”

  “You never have to thank me for that. I love you, always!”

  Chapter Eight

  ~Kade~

  May - July

  My mother didn't do really well in rehab at first. It ended up prolonging her stay, especially when she got to the part where she had to seek forgiveness from people. She was confused about what she should be forgiven for, and when her therapist brought up my dad, she went ballistic. Not that I could blame her for that, but her response definitely lengthened her stay and also taught her counselor a lesson about proximal awareness when you deliver news someone might not agree with.

  During my stay in Vegas I also learned a few things about myself. Score one for second hand therapy, I guess. I ended up going to see my dad. Well, I didn't go to see him, that part was just unavoidable. I went to meet my little sister. I didn't want to make the same mistakes all the adults in my life had made in regards to my brother and I. The brother I still hadn't been able to meet yet. My father might be a major douche nozzle, but I didn't want my sister growing up to think I was one too.

  “Tay-Tay!” I yelled out in an excited falsetto as my sister ran and dove into my arms. I knew I was heading back to the east coast soon, and it was going to break my heart to leave this little girl behind. She all ready had me wrapped around her little finger.

  “Good to see you, son.” My dad walked into the room and gave me his winning smile that allowed him to con so many people into thinking he was truly the good guy in every scenario. It didn't work on me. I just grunted at him, and refocused my attention on my sister.

  “Whatcha' been doing, sweet girl?”


  “Payin'”

  “Payin'? Payin' what? Bills? You're too young and pretty for bills, sweet girl.” It still hurt me to use the endearment I had used for Sasha for years with my sister. I was attempting to desensitize myself to all things Sasha though. It wasn't really working, but I kept trying, because I couldn't get her off my mind.

  Lucky for me, my antics sent Taylor into giggle fits. It had become our shtick ever since the first time I made fun of the way Tay dropped the L and the G in the word playing.

  “Have you given some consideration to what I talked to you about last time, son?” My dad spoke up, ignoring the fact that this was playtime with me and my sister.

  I gave an exasperated sigh and then stood to my full 6'4” height and looked down my nose to my dad was about three inches shorter. “This is my Taylor time. Stop interrupting,” I chastised him.

  “Damn it, Kaden, you need to grow up. Your sister isn't important right now.” A surprised gasp clued him in to the fact that his wife had just walked into the room too, and heard his blatant disregard of his youngest kid. “Damn it. That's not what I meant, and you know it, Angie. My son needs to pull his head out of his ass and start thinking of his future.” He ground the bone in his jaw a bit, a little tic that showed his frustration. “You can't keep dropping your life to babysit your mom when she goes off on her crazy little tears. You need a respectable job, and I'm offering that to you.”

  The truly fucked up thing in this situation was that my father had no clue what I wanted for my future. I was going to school, when I wasn't trapped by his drama, for business and art. I had plans to open my own tattoo studio, hopefully a chain of them across the country one day. I had no need to tell him this though. The bullshit he wanted me to get involved with was most likely some big scam anyway. “Respectable job, huh?”

  “That's right,” my dad countered as if I hadn't grown up with all the scams he tried to pull on people.

  “Listen, mom's being released soon, and that means one thing and one thing only. I'm going back to North Carolina, where I can finish up school, get my degree, and go earn my place in a real, respectable job. I'm gonna miss the hell out of my Tay-Tay, but that's about it as far as the things holding me to Vegas. It's not you, certainly not some phantom supposedly respectable job. Hell, if mom throws another fit and blows her release again, it won't even be my mom holding me here. I all ready talked to the dean, and I can start classes up again in August when the fall semester starts. I plan to be there for that. I'm all ready a semester behind now thanks to this whole debacle, which you helped instigate.”

  “I don't know what in the hell you want to go back to that hell-hole town for,” my dad started in again. “Hell, it's not like you have anyone to go back for now.” That was a low blow. He'd heard me talking on the phone to Jason one day last week asking if he'd seen Sasha at all since everything went down. Jason swore he hadn't seen her at all which was just odd, because they had a class together over the spring before I left. I wasn't sure what she was doing for the summer sessions, but he would have to see her on campus at some point.

  My father tried using that against me, saying that if I hadn't been able to get in contact with my girl in all this time she wasn't really my concern anymore anyway. He didn't get it, because I honestly doubted the man had the capacity to love another human being, but I just felt so damn lost without her. So unbelievably fucking lost without her that I was determined to do whatever it took when I got back to find her.

  I know I would have a hard time getting past things if she truly had hooked up with some other guy, but damn it, she still owed me an explanation at the very least. Hell, I probably owed her one as well. I just wasn't sure if she was sitting around waiting on one from me the way I was from her.

  If for no other reason, I had to go back to try to find her, and figure out if our friendship, at the very least, was still salvageable.

  “Tay-Tay, come on girl, let's go play before I have to leave.”

  “Why you go? Kade stays wit Tay-Tay!” It seemed really simple when kids said things. A part of me wished I could stay just to be able to hang out with her some more, because Taylor was a really cool little kid, but I couldn't put the rest of my life on hold for someone else's kid. I needed to finish the things I started. That was one thing I had always prided myself on, well except the occasions where I chickened out on things I wanted to do with Sasha before I knew how she felt. I just knew that I didn't want to be like my dad flitting through life relying on some crazy lucky horseshoe stuck up my ass or something. I didn't want to search the world for the next best thing. I wanted to find my thing, and work at it to keep making it better with time. I couldn't do that here as my mom's babysitter, my sister's new playmate, or someone my dad could use for his next shady business venture.

  The next couple weeks passed in much the same way. My father tried to recruit me to some new venture of his while I was trying to spend time with my little sister. My mom was working through her issues, and we finally had a release date for her, as well as travel plans. She had wanted to fly back, but for some odd reason I had grown attached to the junker of a Jeep I had picked up when I first realized I'd be stuck in this hellhole for a while. So, I made plans for my mom to make the leisurely trek back to North Carolina in my Jeep with me.

  I also had Mick, our lawyer, checking into smaller homes that we might be able to either rent or purchase upon arrival. He had been sending me photos, and finally I saw one I thought my mom would fall in love with. I asked him to check it out and verify it looked well kept, and if it did to put an offer on it.

  My mom had sold a rather stately five-bedroom place before coming here. It was the house I had basically grown up in. I was never really comfortable with her living in that giant house all on her own anyway. It was time my mom felt what it was like to live a cozy, simple life. The house Mick was working on for me was a simple two bedroom cabin with an old world feel while being completely updated as far as things like appliances and cabinets and whatnot. It was, in a word, cute. Unfortunately, I was going to be stuck taking up the spare bedroom for a while until I figured my own shit out and made sure mom was settled and no longer looking to take the easy way out. Her doctors may believe she has a new lease on life, but sometimes, I look into her eyes when I visit and they're sort of vacant. It worries me.

  ~*~

  July 28 -

  We finally made it. Northbrook never looked so welcoming before. I actually breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the Welcome to Northbrook sign on the side of the road. My mom chuckled, “I guess that means you missed this place, huh?”

  “Are you kidding? Of course I missed it. I hate Vegas. The only bright spot there was getting to know Tay.” My mom cringed openly at the mention of my little sister. “I know the situation sucks for you, but she's my sister, mom. I can't ignore her, pretend she doesn't exist, or filter all talk of her around you just to spare your feelings. This is part of dealing.”

  “I know, Kaden. It's just going to take some getting used to. I imagine it won't be easy when Sandra finally gets you in touch with that brother of yours either.”

  “His name is Brad, and we all ready have a set time to meet up in a couple days.”

  “I guess you're not wasting any time, huh?”

  I looked at her for a moment before focusing back on the road. “I'm thinking enough time has all ready been wasted where he and I are concerned.” I saw her flinch at my words, but as discussed with her doctor, I couldn't hold back on things like that. She needed healthy doses of reality. Some people need to be babied when they're not exactly mentally stable. My mom has the opposite problem. She's spent so much time living in the land of denial and whitewashed truths that she doesn't know how to function when faced with real situations that she can't control.

  While I never realized I was doing it, I had been enabling her behavior by always downplaying the things my dad put her through, and making them seem less than they were. I didn't do it to sp
are my dad, or make him seem more appealing to her. I had done it to spare her feelings, and now I was seeing how my good intentions apparently backfired on me.

  “I'm not sure what the furniture situation is going to be when we get there. I've been paying my half of the bills at my old place with Jason while we've been in Vegas so that I would still have stuff to come home to, but it will take me a bit to get any of it to the new house.” I was rambling. I had all ready asked Mick to make certain there was at least the bare minimum of functional furniture in the house.

  “I'm sure Mick took care of everything. He probably employed his wife to make it look beautiful too. She's a genius with interior design, even if she won't make a career out of it.”

  “Good to know. Maybe you'll love the house then,” I offered. I knew she was a little on edge about coming home to a new home she'd never even seen before, but it honestly couldn't be helped. Our old house had been sold and was occupied by its new residents. There wasn't anything familiar for her to come home to.

  “Are you going to try to go over and see Sasha right away? You haven't said anything about her in so long, I wasn't sure if it was because I was sick, or…” her voice trailed off and she looked sad for a moment. “Did something happen because you were gone too long?”

  “I honestly don't know, mom.” The last twenty minutes of our drive was me rehashing everything that went wrong and how I had no way of contacting Sasha while we were gone.