Letters to Lily (Letters to... #1)

by Christine M. Butler

  By the time my shift was over I still had another hour and a half to kill, so I walked over to my favorite diner to treat myself to one of their fabulous milkshakes, and probably some dinner too since I was growing little Lily-bit. It's funny how quickly Kristin and I had gone from calling the gender-unknown baby LilBit to Lily-bit. I had to physically remind myself not to rub my prego belly as I thought about her, because that was dead giveaway that I was baking a bun in the oven.

  As I was about to cross the street, the young waitress I always saw in the diner was hopping out of a silver Jeep and waving over her shoulder to the person inside it. I glanced down as the Jeep pulled away and could have sworn I saw Kade. “Not again,” I told myself. Every time I managed to move on with my life in the least little bit, I swear I caught sight of this guy and his stupid silver Jeep. I never got a really good look, but it was like a kick to the gut every time. Something about him must remind me of Kade though, because it was like I could feel him near me even though, logically, I knew he wasn't here anymore. He'd left for a new life across the country, and made sure I didn't have a way to contact him there.

  I sat down in the diner and ordered my milkshake and the burger special. Then, I pulled my journal out and began to write, like I always did.

  Dear Lily,

  I thought I saw your dad again. I swear, he's not even around anymore and I'm still losing my mind over him. One day, when you're older, we're going to sit down and have a talk about how to avoid the hazardous boys and how to spot the good ones. I thought your daddy was a good one, and I don't want to speak ill of Kade, because honestly I don't even know if he knows about you at this point. I haven't told him, because I have no way of doing so. But damn it, he fooled me pretty good anyway, I guess. I still don't understand how we could go so long as best friends and he just walk away like he did. Even if he didn't think we fit as a couple, and if he had thought that, why in the hell was he asking me to move in? Even if… why wouldn't he just do it right so we could go back to being friends? Sure, it would hurt too, but not as much as not knowing does.

  You know, I'm probably going to have to filter which of these letters actually makes it to you later on. I just need to get these things out sometimes. Mom wants to hire a private investigator to try to find Kade. Jared, her boyfriend, suggested it. He's a single dad. Well, he was before my mom came along. He knows how tough it is to do it all on your own, and he doesn't think Kade should just be able to walk away from the responsibility, from you. Honestly, with the way his dad did him when everything went sideways with his parents' marriage, I can't believe he'd just walk away from his own kid if he knew. No matter how many times someone suggests it, I tell them I think they're wrong. If he knew, he'd be here. Then again, he left me, his best friend, without a word. So, sometimes, I doubt him.

  The problem is, I still love him, and I just don't understand why this happened…

  I felt like someone was standing over me so I put the journal down and looked up to see the young waitress looking over my shoulder as she held onto my plate of food. Correction, she hadn't been looking over my shoulder she'd been reading over my shoulder.

  “Excuse me?” I spoke up.

  “Oh, sorry, here you go. I didn't mean to pry, but you're always writing in that thing when you come in here.” She smiled down at me then. “Who is Lily?”

  “My daughter,” I spoke without thinking as my hand found it's way to my stomach.

  Her eyes widened then. “And that Kade fellow you were writing about is the dad?”

  “Yep,” I said before stuffing a way too hot French fry in my mouth.

  The waitress - Jenn - according to her nametag, swallowed hard for some reason. “And he just left you? Pregnant?”

  “He left before I found out, and I haven't been able to find him to tell him.” I huffed out. “Look, no offense, because I really love the shakes and everything here, but I don't know you. This is not an easy subject for me, so if you don't mind I'd rather not break down to a complete stranger.”

  She had the sense to look at least a little embarrassed by her prying and she tossed her hands up in the air in surrender. “Sorry, I didn't mean to. I was just curious about you since you're always in here.” She turned and went to the back of the restaurant. She didn't return to the front for the rest of my meal. Instead, the older waitress that was usually here too took over the table.

  “I didn't mean to run her off,” I told her.

  “No worries, she's just embarrassed that she was being so nosey, sweetheart.” The kindness that shown through the woman's eyes reminded me a lot of my mom. “How far along are you, Sugar?”

  “I'm 24 weeks, almost 25.”

  “Oh, you broke past the half way mark. Time both slows down and speeds up from here on out.” She smiled at me again. “Do you know what you're having yet?”

  “A girl,” I say as I offer her a genuine smile. I don't mind talking about my baby with people who know. I simply don't want to discuss her daddy with strangers, because it cuts me open and leaves me raw just to say his name out loud. Thankfully, this woman is keeping clear of the daddy questions.

  “I bet you're getting excited. Have you been feeling her move around a lot yet?”

  “I have, and my roommate was in heaven the other night, because she got to feel her kick when we were watching a scary movie too.”

  The waitress laughed then. “Lord, girl, that child was trying to tell you to watch something better than scary movies.” She smiled down at me. “A nice romantic comedy would probably do the trick. Lots of happiness and laughter. Babies pick up on that.”

  My smile faded then. “I'm not really a big fan of romance right now,” I admitted. Her sympathetic glance told me she understood. I'm sure the other girl had all ready filled her in on my situation, diner gossip being what it was. “I need to get going. I have a night class tonight.”

  “Sure thing hon,” she pulled my ticket out of her apron and handed it to me. I simply tossed a twenty down to cover my bill and the tip and I left without another word.

  ~*~

  After my first night class of the semester I was wandering down the pathway to the student parking area when a guy on a skateboard accidentally knocked into my messenger bag. For once, I hadn't tossed it around my neck and over my shoulder as I was leaving class. Instead I just had it hanging limply over one shoulder because I'd been tucking my laptop back in it as I was leaving. While the skateboarding fiend brushed by far enough way to keep from being a direct hit, something on him snagged my bag, and it went flying off my shoulder while jerking me around. Thankfully, it dislodged from my arm before I ended up going down with it.

  “Sorry,” the idiot called out without stopping to help me pick up my bag or see if I was okay. I bent down, from the knees, because bending at the waist was starting to hurt my back, and picked my messenger bag up off the ground. When I stood, my hand automatically went to my belly as Lily shifted around and kicked out. Where my loose jersey had been hiding my baby bump all day, I had suddenly made it visible with that one movement and who should be standing there watching? Jason freaking Marlow, Kade's old roommate, and the reason we were ever fighting to begin with.

  His eyes went wide as he glanced from my face to my belly and back up again. I quickly let go of my protruding baby bump and turned to walk away. He never said a word. He didn't call out to me; ask if the kid was Kade's, nothing. He just stood there and watched me go. Well, at least now I knew word would eventually get back to Kade that I was knocked up. Whether or not he thought it was his was a different story.

  Chapter Fourteen

  ~Kade~

  Aug. 23 - I was done with classes for the day and ready to just go home and throw myself on my bed. Three days a week I was inundated with my business courses, the ones that were apparently going to kick my ass if the syllabi were any indication. The other two days a week were my chill art days. I would start those tomorrow. Not to say art doesn't come with its own fair share of work
, but it feels entirely different to be loaded up with work you don't mind as opposed to the crap that blows your mind instead.

  “Hey stud, can you give me a ride over to the diner?” Jenn had come running up to meet me. We both had a class in the business department on the opposite side of campus from the diner during this time of day, and I kind of hoped it wouldn't end up being a thing for her to ask me for a ride.

  “Sure thing,” I agreed as we took off in the direction of my Jeep. Jenn and I had come to an understanding after we ran into each other a few more times. I was willing to be friends, with the possibility of more in the future. I had a conversation with her about Sasha and how I still wasn't over her after that fateful night when I got a mad case of whiskey dick and a whole lot of guilt piled on my conscious for what did go down. I explained the entire situation as I knew it, and she just sat nodding her head, looking a little pale at points, and then finally she said, “I think you're worth waiting for.”

  That one line made me start thinking differently about the girl. Maybe, she wasn't as callous as I'd initially thought. Ever since then, we'd been palling around a bit more, and chatting about anything and everything. It almost reminded me of old times back when Sasha and I had first found our friendship. Well, with the exception that the undeniable spark of something I had with Sasha was always lacking in this present equation with Jenn. I broke down one day and talked to my mom about it, at which point she said, “some things are once in a lifetime. The kind of connection you and Sasha had is something most people never see even once. You should always cherish those memories.” Her eyes had glassed over at that point and she excused herself from the room.

  I knew my mom was still blaming herself for Sasha no longer being in my life. I was trying to come to terms with the fact that the only two people to blame were Sasha and myself. Our circumstances hadn't helped our situation, but if we'd communicated better the night before everything blew up things might have been very different right now. I've often heard people say, 'never go to bed angry' or 'never walk away from an argument' and I always thought they were stupid. Now, I know different. The last moments I had with my lifelong best friend weren't the way I would have ever wished to leave things between us, especially when all I wanted was to give her what she wanted. I let my damn pride and stubbornness stand in the way, and for what? I hadn't even talked to Jason since I packed my shit up and move it out of the apartment we used to share. That supposed best friend bond was the thing I was rallying for when I was telling Sasha it wasn't fair for me to just oust Jason as a roommate because I wanted her to live with me too.

  “Earth to Kade!”

  “Sorry, I was lost in thought. That damn class fried my brain and it's only day one.”

  Jenn was doing her best not to glare at me, but she was failing. It was her sort of subtle way of calling bullshit on where my mind had wandered. “You know, you're never going to get over that girl if you don't stop thinking about her all the damn time.”

  Okay, I guess she was done with subtly then. “Jenn.”

  “No, it's whatever. You did warn me, but one of these days it would be nice if you would really give us a try instead of always being a slave to the past, and things you can't change, Kade.”

  “You're right,” I said, and for the first time in a long time I meant it. I reached over and pulled her closer to me, wrapping an arm around her in a side hug. It was the best I could do in a Jeep. She sighed into my arm, and reached over to put her hand on my abs. I kissed the top of her head, “let's get you to work before you're late.”

  A few minutes later, we were around campus and pulling up to the front door of the diner. “Will I see you later?” She asked before getting out.

  “Sure, babe, just call me when you're done. I'll come pick you up.” There, that had to count as trying to move on, right?

  She leaned back in and gave me a kiss before darting out to the sidewalk with a huge grin on her face. I guess I earned those points for trying after all. I found myself smiling as turned to check traffic so I could pull back out into the lane. That's when my heart nearly stopped. I could have sworn I saw Sasha getting ready to cross the street as I was pulling out. The only thing that made my brain slow it's roll was the fact that she was wearing a sports jersey, something Sasha would never do. Well, there was one other thing; she was a bit bigger than Sasha, who had always had a slight frame even though she had a generous chest size.

  “Damn it,” I yelled at myself. Ever time I tried to move on, it seemed like the guilt tried to trick my brain with thoughts of her. Now I had to contend with stupid almost-sightings of the girl I couldn't get off my mind or out of my heart.

  Once I got home I made the mistake of telling my mom who I thought I saw and why it couldn't be her. She just gave me a look that I really couldn't decipher before speaking. “Honey, I know you don't want to hear me say this again, but I feel I really need to. Are you sure you don't want to put some money into trying to track her down? She's been a part of your life for so long. I don't think you'll be able to move forward with all the lingering questions of what happened in your head.”

  “Mom, she moved on. I am trying to. If I go looking for her now, it will just destroy the little bit of distance I've been able to give myself from those feelings. And you know what? It will really suck if I have to deal with that shit all over again, opening old wounds that are still having trouble healing, only to see her with someone else. There's a part of me that wants to, for sure. But there's another part that is too much of a coward to try. I can't do it if there's a chance that I'll have to endure her being with someone else.”

  “I wonder how she felt all those years?” My mom questioned.

  “What do you mean?”

  “All of those years she spent being in love with you while she had to watch you dating other girls, losing your virginity to someone else, and being a complete assclown.”

  “Gee, thanks for that,” I scoffed, and then I added, “besides she wasn't in love with me for all those years.”

  “Keep telling yourself that, Kade. I think it makes you feel better about all the running around you did back then, but that girl has been in love with you for a long time. Anyone with two eyes could see it in the way she looked at you. And besides that her mom and I had a long talk one day about the two of you and if we should get involved since you guys were obviously so clueless about each other's feelings. We didn't, because we both felt it had to come about naturally so it wouldn't kill your friendship, but there are days when I wish we would have pushed you both to be honest with one another.”

  I stepped back, physically shaken by my mother's words. I know I had things confirmed for me during that horrible prom night, but honestly, I thought that had been a recent development too. For both of us. Just thinking about the fact that my dating life throughout high school had been hurting Sasha all along made me wonder if I didn't deserve my current fate just a little bit. Hell, thinking back, I realized Sasha never really dated much in high school. She hadn't even lost her virginity then like I had been led to believe. Sadly, the fact that she never dated much probably made it easier for me to date. I didn't have to deal with feelings of jealousy… but she did. Ugh, I really had to stop thinking about this shit. “I'm going to get a jump on my reading for class. I have to go pick Jenn up in a bit.”

  “I'm not a fan of that girl,” my mother growled out.

  “Well, mom, they can't all measure up to Sasha!” I snapped at her.

  “Maybe you should try to remember that,” she slung back before retreating to her own room.

  Damn. What could I say to that when I had just vowed to try to forget about the girl in question? Nothing. That's what. Instead, I turned and headed to my own room on the other side of the cabin. Taking a nap no longer seemed like an option though. Instead, I lie there on my bed thinking about what my mom had just said to me and wondering, not for the first time, if I should try hiring someone to track Sasha down for me. At least, I could
hire them to tail her for a while and see what they find out. Is she happy? Is she with someone? Does she miss me? How in the hell would some private dick know if she missed me or not? I was seriously losing my mind.

  Eventually, my phone alarm zapped me out of the long list of questions that were once again pumping through my mind and thrumming through my veins begging to be answered. I did need to find out about Sasha. In the here and now though, I needed to go pick up Jenn, because I told her I would. I was trying really hard to be better about keeping my promises to people these days. I'd failed Sasha epically. Hell, I'd failed myself in the worst way. All I had left was whether or not I held to my word for everyone else in my life at this point.

  ~*~

  “Hey, Jenn.” I couldn't bring myself to repeat the five minutes of hope I'd given the girl earlier this afternoon.

  “I take it you didn't sleep well when you got home?”

  “Not at all. Kind of got into it with my mom when I got there.”

  “I see.” Her voice was strained, and she looked tired. “Was it about her?”

  I looked at Jenn then, because I was nothing if not honest with people. “It was, but not in the way you may be thinking.”

  “Well, in what way then?” Yeah, she was pissed and getting snippy with me. I couldn't blame her. Hell, I was tired of my own damn self-running hot and cold all the time. I couldn't imagine putting up with me if I didn't have to.

  Her blue eyes were somewhat shiny and I hoped she didn't cry on me. “She is trying to convince me that I'll be able to let go easier if I track Sasha down and get closure at the very least. Mom thinks it's the unfinished stuff and the unknown that won't let me close that door.” I scrubbed my hands down the sides of my face before looking back over at Jenn. She was silently contemplating my words. “I'm thinking maybe she's got a point.”