Letters to Lily (Letters to... #1)

by Christine M. Butler

  For a split second Jenn looked panicked. Not that I blamed her for the worry that I might actually end up back with Sasha though. “I don't think that's a good idea, actually,” she said.

  “You want to elaborate on that?” For some reason it ticked me off that this girl, who obviously wanted more from me, wouldn't want me to have the closure I need with my ex.

  “Well, you were all ready starting to move forward. You said yourself people have told you she's with someone else now. Why would you do that to either of you? She must be happy, even if you're not.” Jenn glanced down at the fingers she was twisting up in her lap. “I just think if I were her, it would cause undue strain to have my ex show up. Especially one who just ran off without explanation or whatever it was you did.”

  “I told you, my roommate delivered a message about what was going down.”

  “Yeah, well, if he actually did that, she still chose to move on without you while you were going through that. And if he didn't deliver that message, she moved on thinking the worst of you. So, one way disturbs her peaceful existence and the other one just adds more pain to the situation. I think, for the both of you, you need to just let her go.”

  I sighed audibly knowing she was making a whole lot of sense. Jason wasn't the only one who told me she moved on. Hell, even Andy had mentioned that she had been torn up over me, but that she was always with someone now. If I showed up in her life at this point it would honestly be for purely selfish reasons. Reasons like it hurt to breathe without her in my life, but that was on me, not her. “Yeah, you're probably right.”

  Jenn's shoulders visibly relaxed with my words. “Well, is there any chance I can get you to actually drive me to my place now? I smell like a damn diner, and I'd really like to wash the grease off and go do something normal, like dinner?”

  “Sure, let's go.” I pulled out into traffic, ready to take my friend, sort of girlfriend, or whatever Jenn was to me out to dinner.

  While I waited for Jenn to get ready Brad texted me to see what was going on. Instead of texting back I dialed.

  “Hey man, what's up?” He sounded cheerful today. Shit, I wish I could sound that happy.

  “Hey, I was just waiting on Jenn to get herself together so we could head out to dinner.”

  “Oh, where are you headed? I was about to hit Prego up and see if she wanted to go grab something. Maybe we could meet up and I can finally introduce you guys.”

  “That would be awesome. I'm not sure if she had somewhere specific in mind. As soon as she gets out of the shower I'll ask.”

  “So, are you finally moving on from friendship to dating then?” He asked, knowing the score.

  “I think so, man. It's time. My mom wanted me to try to hunt the ex down to get closure or whatever. Jenn actually made sense when I talked to her about it though. If the ex is happy with her life without me, and from all accounts I've heard she has a new man in her life, it would make me an ass to step into the mix just to make myself feel better.”

  “Maybe,” Brad said hesitantly. “Then again, seeing what Prego has gone through with the unknown where her ex is concerned, I would say those questions might go both ways. And I've also tried to convince her to find the ex, because let's face it, he should know about the baby at the very least.”

  “For sure. I would be pissed if I got a chick pregnant and she never told me.”

  “Well, she just doesn't know where the cocksucker ran off to. Believe me, she'd tell him if she could. The bigger problem for me is, I think she needs that closure to heal and move on even if he still doesn't want jack shit to do with their kid, you know? I'm not saying that's the road to travel for you, but for her, I'm pushing for it.”

  “Seriously though? I know you're kind of hung up on her, are you really okay pushing her back into the ex's arms?”

  “Do I want her to fall in love with the dick all over again while I have to watch? No, and if that happens it would suck. But I do want her to heal and be happy again. If that means seeing him and saying goodbye so she can move on to someone else…”

  “Someone such as yourself?” I chuckled.

  “I'm not saying I wouldn't make myself available,” he laughs. “But, listen, I care about this girl enough to want it for her even if it means her happiness is tied to getting back with the ass nugget. Although, one small misstep on his part will have me launching a foot up his ass before he can even breathe the word 'sorry' to her for whatever fuckup occurred.”

  “So, do you think it's weird that Jenn would tell me not to do it then?”

  “Hell no, chicks are totally different, and if I'm honest far more territorial and catty than guys are. She's going to discourage you no matter what, dude. Just do yourself a favor and catalog everyone's responses, but go with what feels right for you. No one else's opinion really matters.”

  “I don't want to hurt her any more than I all ready have. I'm not sure seeing me now would be a good thing for her.”

  “Well, I guess that's your answer then.” He paused a moment before continuing. “Look, I'm going to hit up Prego real quick about the dinner thing. Text me the info, and I'll let you know if we'll be showing up.”

  “Cool.” We hung up, and once again I was left with a little bit more calm than I had earlier. My brother had the ability to bring peace with his words. The situation still sucked, but having someone to unload on who would ultimately say, 'trust your own judgment' was kind of a weight off my shoulders considering the women in my life who each had their own demands and agendas.

  Jenn came out wearing a tight little blue dress that barely hit mid-thigh and hugged all of her curves. It was more club wear than dinner wear, but who was I to tell her that? “Hey, Brad wanted to crash our dinner party with his friend. Did you have somewhere specific in mind?”

  She didn't respond so I looked back up from my phone where my thumbs had been hovering to shoot off a text. Jenn was pouting as she spoke. “I thought we were going out as a couple tonight, finally.” FUCK! I just could not get shit right these days. Once upon a time, I had game. Apparently, I lost it when I lost Sasha.

  Cold water, meet me. That's where my thoughts suddenly took me. It was a shock to the system to admit that out loud, even if by out loud I meant in my own head. “I didn't think about it like that. I was thinking more like a double date.”

  “Oh, you said he was bringing a friend, not a girl,” she was still pouting but at least a little more accepting this time. “Who is he bringing?” She was chewing on her lip nervously as she waited for my response.

  “Um, well, hell…” I tried to think back to what this chick's name was, but I couldn't remember him ever calling her anything other than Prego. That made me laugh. “Honestly, I'm not sure. The thing is, she's um, pregnant, so… he always refers to her as Prego.” Jenn went still and pale. “What's the matter?”

  “Oh,” she turned around fiddling with something on the end table behind her. “Sorry, I was shocked. Did your brother get a girl pregnant? I know that one day at the diner he denied it, but why else would he be hanging around her so much. That's kind of weird isn't it?”

  “No, it's definitely not his. She was all ready knocked up by someone else. They're friends. I don't think he'd mind more, but this girl is apparently still hung up on the baby's daddy even though he skipped town.”

  A visible shiver ran through Jenn's body with my words and she stumbled as she moved back towards her bedroom. “On second thought, I think I'm going to change into something else, because air condition in some of the restaurants in town can be ridiculous. I don't want to freeze inside just to come back out and sweat my butt off.”

  “Okaaay…” I drew out the word. “But where did you want to go, so I can tell Brad?”

  She poked her head back out of the bedroom. “Honestly, I was really looking forward to dinner with just the two of us, Kade. You keep finding excuses to either ditch me or turn things into a big friend-fest. Either you want to be with me as more, or you don't, but I w
ish you'd make up your mind.” She was snapping the words out by the end of her little spiel.

  “Jesus, all you had to do was say no.” My cell phone dinged with an incoming message, and I looked down.

  BRAD - Can't make it after all. Forgot Prego has an evening class tonight.

  ME - that's cool, psycho just threw a hissy fit about the potential double date. She wanted me all to herself, I guess.

  BRAD - good luck with that. I think I fair better with Prego. ;)

  ME - winky faces between dudes should be outlawed. ;)

  BRAD - Hypocrite.

  I laughed and put my phone up in my pocket. “No double date then, just the two of us tonight. I still need to know where you want me to take you though,” I called out to Jenn.

  Chapter Fifteen

  ~Sasha~

  Sept. 10 - My brain was officially fried. “I swear to God, I thought I saw him again today in that same silver Jeep I've been seeing since summer. I thought about going to find Jason and ask him, but who knows if I'd even get a straight answer from the idiot.”

  “Didn't you say that younger waitress is the one you keep seeing getting out of the Jeep at the diner?”

  “Yeah, she is.”

  “Have you thought to ask her about who he is?”

  “I did, today when I realized Jason would just be a douche. That's why I feel like a crazy person right now. The waitress - Jenn - told me it was her boyfriend, and he just moved here this summer in order to start school at the university this fall.”

  “Well, there you have it. It can't be him. If it were, she would have said he just moved back, or whatever.”

  “Yeah, I know. Still, it's a kick in the pants every time I freaking see a silver Jeep now.” We both laughed. “Seriously, I'm going completely nuts, because he never even owned a Jeep before. He used to drive that beat up old Civic.

  “Great, I'm going to have to get my cop friend, Jeremy, to put out an all points bulletin on all silver Jeeps in our hood so we can verify the drivers. That should give you some peace of mind, right?”

  “Fine. Make fun of the crazy pregnant lady. I see how it is.” I stuck my tongue out at her and she laughed.

  “Come on chica, let's go shopping. We've put it off long enough, and that baby isn't getting any smaller in there.” She patted my ever-growing belly with affection.

  “I can't believe I'm in my third trimester now. I suppose it is time to get everything set up just in case anything happens and she comes early.”

  “Yay,” Kristin literally jumped up and down. “I'm calling your mom and we're picking her up on the way to the baby store.” Then she turned back to me quickly, leaned down, and started talking to the baby. “Just so we're clear, you will be staying in that belly until you're done doing all the growing you can do in there little miss.”

  “You're ridiculous.” I laughed at her. “Let me go get changed and we can head out.”

  “Wait, why are you changing? That outfit is adorable.” Kristin's grin grew bigger. “Also, I'm really glad you're back to looking like a girl, and decided to stop hiding your baby bump under all those bulky clothes. You were starting to look like a frumpy bag lady. People were talking more about the horrid fashion choices you were making than they are about that,” she said as she pointed a finger to circle around my belly.

  “I'm sweaty. I get so damn hot it's ridiculous. I'll just be a minute, but seriously, I can't deal with being in public and having boob sweat stains.” I pointed to the moisture currently bleeding through my maternity top.

  When I came back out I was sporting a grey ankle length dress that was made of a super thin t-shirt material. It was highly breathable without being opaque, which made it perfect for a day of shopping with my mom and best friend. I also tossed my hair up into a high ponytail in order to get my long bangs, which I'd been growing out for months now, out of my face. Then I put on some mascara and lip-gloss before heading back out into the living room.

  “Who the hell are you, and what have you done with my friend, the bag lady?” Kristin asked as I popped back out into the living room.

  “Very funny. I don't know, honestly. I just haven't felt like myself in so long. When I woke up this morning I just felt good for the first time in a long time, and I wanted to embrace it.”

  Kristin's grin grew wide on her face. “Well, shopping should definitely help keep you in a good mood. Come on, let's go spoil the princess before she even gets here.”

  With that, we were off to go pick up my mom and do some shopping for my daughter, who would be making her entrance into the world in just 13 more weeks.

  ~*~

  “So you now have a crib, pack-n-play, car seat, a changing table, and a bunch of cute little outfits. What else are you going to need?” Kristin was asking me.

  “Bottles, um,”

  “Wait, are you going to breast feed or no?”

  “Honestly, I hadn't thought about it, but don't you need bottles either way?”

  Kristin shrugged her shoulders. “I don't know.” Then she turned to look down the aisle where my mom was still engrossed in something. “Hey mom? Do you still need bottles if you plan to breast feed?” Her voice carried, and I swear I heard snickering on another aisle.

  “Really, Kristin?”

  She smirked at me. “What?”

  “You couldn't wait until she was standing with us, and ask it quietly?”

  “Come on, loosen up Sash. We're in the baby store. Where better to ask these questions?”

  “Yes,” my mother said as she joined us. “You need bottles and a pump if you're going to try it.”

  “What do you mean try it?” I asked.

  “Well, I attempted to breastfeed with you, but my milk never came in. I felt like a failure at first, but it happens to more women than you'd think. Besides, you did just fine with formula.” My mom waved off the concerned look on my face. “Prepare for either option, and don't be disappointed if the breastfeeding doesn't work out. I don't see why it wouldn't though. I don't think that type of thing is hereditary, but you could also ask Dr. Marsh about it at your next visit.”

  I agreed with a nod of my head and started picking out bottles that claimed to be friendly for breastfeeding. “These nipples are supposed to be close to the real thing?” I questioned while looking down at my own chest as if my nipples would reveal themselves for comparison. “I'm not so sure they used someone like me for the model.”

  Kristin and my mom both laughed, as did the woman at the end of the aisle. “I said the same thing when I was pregnant with my first one and shopping for the baby stuff,” the stranger piped up. “Just go with whatever feels right, buy the bare minimum, and add to the stockpile later when you figure out what works for you and your baby. That goes for pretty much everything.”

  “Actually,” my mom added while shaking her head in agreement, “that's sound advice.”

  We were checking out and having things hauled out to Jared's truck. Luckily, my mom suggested we take that instead of my car for just this reason. I don't know where I thought I was going to put boxes full of crib, stroller, and car seats, but at least my mom was on top of things.

  Once we were back at my house my mom shocked the ever-living crap out of me. “Oh, guess who I saw at the bank the other day?”

  “The teller?” Kristin piped up with her smartass remark.

  “Funny,” my mom huffed out. “No, I saw Helen there.” No last name needed. I turned widened eyes on my mom, willing her to finish her story, but she just stood there staring back. “What?”

  “Are you going to finish that statement?” I asked.

  “That was it. I saw her. Nothing more to it, and I don't think she even noticed me. She was pulling away as I pulled in.”

  “Oh,” Kristin laughed. “Like mother, like daughter, I bet.”

  “What does that mean?” My mother asked.

  “Your daughter has been complaining to me for months that she keeps seeing Kaden Miller rolling through town
in a silver Jeep. She found out today that it's not him, but probably the same thing happened to you. You just thought you saw her.”

  “No, it was Helen. She was driving her old BMW still with that same silly bumper sticker stuck in the back window.”

  “Don't let the muggles get you down,” I whispered.

  “That would be the one.”

  “Oh my God! You really saw her?” It was both a question and a statement.

  “Of course I did. That's what I said.”

  “Mom?”

  “What?”

  “Why didn't you chase her down? Jesus, you mean to tell me you saw her pulling out of the bank and you just drove in, parked, and did your business?”

  “No, I went to the drive up teller.”

  “Mom!” I yelled at her.

  “What?” She yelled back again.

  “Why in the hell didn't you follow her?”

  “Why would I follow…” finally, it was sinking in. “Oh my God!” My mom shouted. “I wasn't even thinking. I should have followed her, and told her about the baby, and you could have told Kade.” Her whole face was blanched white as she realized the enormity of the opportunity that slipped through her fingers. Tears welled in my eyes as my throat tightened on the emotion I was trying to swallow down.

  “When did you see her?”

  “Two days ago.” She pulled me into a tight hug. “I'm so sorry baby. I don't know why it never occurred to me. Had I actually seen Kade I would have bum-rushed him and probably given him a beating before I dragged his sorry but straight to you. His mom… it just didn't… God, it didn't even register until…” She stopped talking at that point because I was openly sobbing now.

  “So much for that good day,” Kristin sighed as she came up and wrapped her arms around the both of us.

  ~*~

  “Sash, wake up, baby,” he whispered into my ear before planting a soft kiss behind his words. I moaned out my easy dismissive grunt to him, knowing that he would be there when I was ready to wake. “Aw, don't be that way, baby. Come on; time to wake up sweet girl. I need to be able to tell you goodbye.” His words were melodious to my ears even as they made me inadvertently scrunch my face up. What had he just whispered to me? Something about goodbye? I felt the bed dip with his weight and then the agonizing absence of it. “I tried, sweet girl. I wish you had heard me when I tried.” This time there was an air of desperation to his voice that truly stirred me from my sleepy state. “I'll love you always, sweet girl. Even if our always isn't together.”