Letters to Lily (Letters to... #1)

by Christine M. Butler

  “No, I mean he introduced this pretty little redhead to us as his girlfriend.”

  I laughed then, “you mean his girlfriend for the night?”

  I wished I hadn't been making light because I heard her sniffle next before she cleared her throat and continued. “No, I mean, his girlfriend who he has been exclusive with for two weeks, and was seeing off and on for two months before that.”

  “Oh. Kristin, I'm so sorry. I told you from the beginning that I didn't think…” I stopped myself then. “Well, you all ready know. You can't help what the heart wants though, huh?” I looked over at Kade knowing I was about to sacrifice the night that I hoped to have with him, but I was unwilling to leave my friend to fend off a broken heart when she'd been there while I cried through mine for months. “There's no reason for you to stay away tonight. I know being at their place is probably not an option now. Grab some ice cream on the way home, and we'll veg and commiserate until I fall asleep on you.”

  That at least brought out a chuckle from her. “No,” she said on a sigh. “Apparently Mal is going to stay with Jessica Rabbit tonight, like he does most nights from the sounds of their lovey-dovey sickly stories.” She mock gagged into the phone then. “Are you doing okay? How did things go?”

  “They're good, I suppose. Lots of talking.”

  “Any kissing though?”

  “Yes there was a little,” I admitted.

  “Any makeup sex? After this long the makeup sex has to be spectacular!” She announced as I laughed.

  “Um, I'm not even sure I can do that considering what the doctors found when I was in the hospital.” I noticed Kade sit up straighter in my peripheral. He was obviously paying close attention to my side of the conversation and he looked a little worried now.

  “Okay, well, you definitely have to call and ask her about that tomorrow. Maybe I could ask Jessica Rabbit for you, because she's a freaking nurse or something. Ughh.”

  “Kris, I love you! One day, you're not going to be looking and the perfect guy is going to blow right into your life and knock you off your damn feet.”

  “Well, let's hope he's really good at blowing then. I guess he'd have to be to knock me off my feet.” She giggled, letting me know the alcohol-induced emotions could be flipped back to happy. “I'm gonna go before they all think I have a problem in here,” she whispered as if someone might here her admission and use it against her. I just laughed.

  “Okay, if you need me, call. I'll turn my ringer up loud.”

  “Yeah, since you can't have amazing make up sex yet!” That last little tidbit she yelled into the phone, and I could tell by the smirk on Kade's face he heard it.”

  “Thanks for that, have a good night Kris.”

  Before I set my phone down I texted Brad.

  ME - Kris is drunk emotional, might want to get her home before she starts with the shots!

  BRAD - Figured. She's been in the bathroom a while. Let me guess, Mal's girlfriend announcement?”

  ME - Yeah.

  BRAD - Don't worry about her. I've got her covered tonight. You good?

  ME - Thankfully, I am. Night.

  BRAD - Night, Prego.

  “So, I take it Kristin is having a shit night?”

  “Yeah, she has a thing for Mal, Brad's roommate.” Kade nodded his head. Of course the two of them had all ready met. “Well, he just introduced his girlfriend to them. She has red hair, may or may not be a nurse, and Kris kept calling her Jessica Rabbit.”

  Kade laughed. “Must be stacked then,” he mimed feeling the weight of a pair of boobs.

  “Lovely, anyway, it sucked for her because she's been waiting for him to pull his head out of his ass and stop being a man whore so she could date him.”

  “That's the problem with waiting for something else to happen. It can go horribly wrong. She should have just thrown it all out there, but you know what they say, we've lived it. Hindsight's a bitch.”

  “Amen to that!”

  “So, I didn't mean to listen in, but you mentioned a problem the doctors found?” The concern he tried to talk through a moment ago was more evident now.

  “It's not really a problem in the general sense.” I grew red with embarrassment then. “I'm dilated all ready, just a tiny bit, but they said its nothing to be concerned about. From what she said it happens anywhere from a month to a few days before labor. I have just a little over a month to go, so while it is a little early it's nothing to worry about.”

  “Okay, but you were definitely telling Kristin that you weren't sure about something because of that problem.” I watched as he looked up at me and then the memory of the last thing Kristin yelled into the phone must have had him putting two and two together. “Oh, you don't know if you can…” The cocky smirk I'd loved seeing on his face since we were younger suddenly made an appearance and I suddenly wished the doctor had been clear with me on what dilation meant for physical activities. “So, you were thinking about makeup sex, huh? It's not really makeup sex, because we weren't really fighting, but…” He laughed then and I followed suit, but the talk of sex with him actually made me think of something much less pleasant.

  He'd had sex with Jenn. Probably not that long ago. Days maybe. Now that I was thinking about the fact that he had sex with Jenn any friskiness I may have felt before dissipated in an instant. It also brought up all kinds of question, like was he careful? There was no way I could have sex with him, especially while I was pregnant with our baby without knowing. Hell, he got me pregnant our first time together, what if he got her pregnant too? How I would I deal with that? How the hell did I ask questions about any of it though? If his current scrunched up brow was any indication, he had clued into where my mind had wandered. “I need to pee,” I rushed to get out before standing up and heading to the bathroom. Yeah, I was a big fat coward. Honestly though, how did one go about asking the love of their life if he possibly picked up an STD from fucking some other chick while she was pregnant and pining for him. Ugh. I know I was preaching earlier to Helen about letting things go, but some stuff just wasn't that easy to dislodge from my own mind. I really wished it were though.

  When I finally screwed up enough courage to leave the bathroom after actually peeing (thank you, pregnancy bladder), washing my hands, splashing my face, and taking forever and a day to dry said hands and face I ran right into Kade. He had been waiting in the hall. “I was always careful, Sasha.” Ugh, I really didn't want to hear that, even though I needed to. Always. That means there was more than one time. Double Ugh. “I will get tested though so that you can have some peace of mind.” I couldn't even look at him. I just stood there staring at where my feet should be if I could actually see around my ginormous belly.

  I felt his fingers close in under my chin, attempting to angle my face upwards towards him. That wasn't an easy feat since he was being gentle and I was being stubborn. “Would you please look at me? I want to make sure you get my full meaning here, and I don't think that will happen with you staring down at…” his head cocked to the side. “Well, not your feet, because I don't think you can see them anymore.”

  “I can't, but I was trying really hard to do that,” I admitted without looking up.

  “Sasha, please!” The tone in his voice, demanding and pleading all at once made me look up. “She never meant anything to me. Never. What you saw that day, me laughing and smiling, I was actually tormenting her about losing her damn purse. That was probably the friendliest looking moment in our whole time of knowing one another, and that includes the couple times we actually were together. I'm not proud of admitting this to you, but I was using her to try to help me move past you when I thought you were having a baby with someone else. That was all it was.” His eyes are begging mine to believe him, and I do. That doesn't make it much easier to swallow. His Adam's apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed back his own emption and stood watching me. Then, mind apparently made up, he decided there was nothing else that needed to be said. Kade simply pulled me into h
is arms, kissed the top of my head, and held me there. His warmth seeped into my chest, reminding me of all we were to each other in the past.

  In that moment all the months of missing him swelled up inside me and made me so damn tired. “Kade,” I whispered.

  “Hmm?”

  “I'm so tired. Will you stay? Not for anything… just…”

  “Can I hold you if I stay?” I didn't dare speak, just nodded my head. “Okay then. Go get yourself ready for bed. I'll lock up out here and be there in a minute.”

  I changed into my little maternity sleep shorts and a tank top that didn't quite cover my belly anymore. Then I tucked myself under the blankets and waited. Kade came in a few minutes later, stripped down to his boxers, and slid in the bed beside me. He wasted no time, nor did he ask permission, in snuggling up right behind me. He pulled my body flush against his, my back to his front. One of his arms pushed under my head and so I was using his bicep for a pillow. The other curled around my belly and started rubbing gentle little circles around it with his fingertips.

  I didn't want to fall asleep. I wanted to stay awake and enjoy every minute of Kade being in bed with me. I wanted to treasure the very idea that he was there, touching me, within my reach, and that he wanted both the baby and I. As luck would have it though, instead of having trouble getting to sleep or staying that way as I usually did, I fell right off to the best night's rest I'd had in my whole pregnancy.

  When I awoke the other side of the bed was cold, and disappointment washed through me. I knew I hadn't dreamed his presence up. I just wasn't sure why he'd get up and leave first thing in the morning. Unfortunately, this wasn't like in the books or movies where I stumble out into the kitchen to find him there trying to figure out where I keep the coffee either. He just wasn't there.

  I sat down heavily on the bar stool at the kitchen island, and plopped my head into my hands. I must have sat like that, wondering what had happened when I slept to make him leave, for a good five minutes before I heard an unfamiliar ring tone going off.

  I followed the sound to the nursery and found Kade there asleep in the rocking chair, cuddling the teddy bear Kristin had put in the crib for Lily. I moved over to see that it was Brad trying to call through, so I woke Kade up by pushing on his shoulder. “Hey, Kade. Wake up, Brad keeps trying to call you.”

  “Hmm,” was his sleepy response taking his normal smooth deep voice to a sexy gravelly place.

  I lifted his phone in front of his face. “Brad is trying to call you. Must be important, because he's not exactly a morning person.”

  Kade grabbed the phone quickly then and answered immediately on Brad's third attempt to get through. “What's up?”

  “Thank fuck! I need… shit… I slept with Kristin!”

  Okay, I wasn't the one on the phone, but the panic in Brad's voice made him really loud and I heard every word loud and clear. I closed my lips together, biting down on where they met to keep from laughing out loud.

  “How did that happen?” Kade asked him as he looked up at me with a gleam in his eyes. Of course this was good news for him. He saw his brother as his competition for me, even though he couldn't have been any further from the truth.

  “We were out drinking. She was upset about Mal. I was… well,”

  “Yeah, I get it,” Kade was none to happy about it either. It was probably good he interrupted his brother before he put a voice to what had him upset last night.

  “Anyway, we got back to my place, started talking, and next thing I know we're making out and clothes are coming off.”

  “Okay, sounds like a good night for both of you. What's the problem?”

  “We don't like each other like that,” he admitted.

  “Well, I hate to tell you this, but maybe you do both like each other like that. You were probably both just too hung up on the wrong people to see it clearly.” I had to give Kade credit, because one, he was probably more right than he even knew. And two, he delivered that news without any of the dripping disdain that would have come across if Brad could have seen the eye roll that accompanied the statement.

  “Damn, well, I have to go. She just woke up.” The last was said in a whisper. “Maybe I can stop by in a little while so we can catch up. I'm sure Kris is about to go home and give Sasha an earful.”

  “Um,” Kade stalled, looking up at me for permission to tell Brad where he was. I just shrugged my shoulders like it was no big deal. “I'm at Sasha's.”

  There was silence on the other end for a minute, and then a sigh. “Right. I guess I should have expected that.” I knew what he must have been thinking. He probably thought the same thing Kristin asked about last night. That we had some terrific, wild, pregnancy make-up sex or something. I noted that Kade did not confirm or deny this, and just left his brother to his own imagination. No doubt it was far worse than telling him the truth. “I guess we'll see you in a bit when I bring Kris home then.” And that was the end of the conversation.

  “I should have told him nothing happened,” Kade finally said before he glanced up at the amused look on my face.

  “Why? It's not really his business if we went at it like bunnies all night or just fell asleep.” His smile grew wider then when he realized it really didn't bother me. “You were very clear, and set me straight about things last night. Let me do the same for you. I care about Brad, very much. He's been an amazing friend, and there were moments when he actually asked for there to be more. I told him no. Every. Single. Time. I even tried to deal with the devil to make him go out, party, and meet women. Oddly enough, I love him like a brother. That is all there is on my end.” I smiled at Kade and the relief that was evident in his features. “I think you should cut him some slack too. If you really want the truth, which he's not able to give you yet, I don't think he truly likes me that way either. I think when you spend enough time dealing with another person's emotional baggage and helping to take care of them you form an attachment. Sometimes it gets confused for more than it is. I honestly believe that is all Brad has for me. He just got close and didn't know what to do with it. He told me he'd never had a serious girlfriend before. Maybe now, he really will see Kristin. I used to catch him watching her sometimes. That's why I can say with utmost certainty that what he felt for me wasn't an in-love kind of love.”

  “Guys who are in love look at other women,” Kade commented.

  “Kristin is beyond attractive, and I've never noticed you look at her the way he does when he thinks no one will notice. Trust me. Them hooking up may just open both of their eyes.” I looked around the room then, “What were you doing sleeping in here? That rocking chair has to be the single worst spot to try to nap.” Now my insecurities were probably showing.

  “I woke up about twenty minutes ago, and thought about making breakfast, but once I was out there I had a hideous case of morning breath so I went in search of a bathroom that might have toothpaste in it.” He's explaining this with a smile plastered to his face. When I peeked in the door and saw what this room was I couldn't stop myself from coming in.”

  “I meant to show it to you yesterday, but then your mom stopped by, and I got tired.” I offered sheepishly.

  “It's okay. Yesterday was a lot to take in all on its own. Anyway, I came in here and sat down admiring the Lily prints and snuggling the teddy bear. I just started imagining what it would be like when she's lying over there sleeping and… well, I guess I fell asleep thinking about that.”

  I don't know why him thinking about watching our baby sleep in this room hit me the way it did, but the next thing I knew I was blurting out, “I never stopped loving you Kade, not for a single minute.”

  I watched as his mouth fell open, tears pooled in his eyes, and he sprung to his feet. “I'm so fucking glad, because I never stopped loving you either. You are it for me, Sasha. Never, ever doubt that again.” His mouth came down on mine and he kissed me with everything he had in him then. I kissed him back just as fiercely. We'd all ready lost too much time to the no
nsense Jason helped set in motion. In this moment, I think we were both re-claiming our futures. Our future - together.

  Epilogue

  ~Lily~

  18 years later - “I can't believe you're going off to college,” my mother was saying as she held my hand in her face and started tearing up again.

  “Mom, I still have two weeks before I'm leaving. Maybe we can save the tears for the special day?”

  Mom just huffed at me and rolled her eyes. “It is a special day. I wanted to give you something that I've been saving for you.” I looked down at a box in my mom's hands. It was shoebox size, but fancier. The box itself was lacquered black with a pure white lily emblazoned in the middle of the lid.

  “This is gorgeous,” I took the box from her hand, inspecting it more closely. Towards the bottom on the front side was my name in a beautiful script font.

  “It is. I had your father paint it for you,” my mom beamed a broad smile my way. She always did that when she mentioned my dad. He was the love of her life, and she was not afraid to let the whole world know that. He wasn't any better. I'd say they were embarrassing if it wasn't so damn sweet and perfect. I just happened to be one of my few friends whose parents had stayed together their whole lives. I counted my blessings for that every day, because I couldn't imagine my world without those two perfect people in it.

  My mom pulled me over to sit on the side of my bed with her. “Before you open it, I want to explain something to you.” I just nodded my head at her and continued tracing my fingers over the flower my dad painted on the box for me. It was gorgeous. They'd told me the story many times over that led to my being named Lily, so this particular flower had a lot of meaning for the three of us. “Inside this box is mine and your father's story. The story before you. I know you've heard us talk about bits and pieces over the years, but I don't think you've ever heard about the time we actually spent apart.”

  My jaw literally dropped. I never knew my parents had ever not been together. “What are you talking about?”