Can't Lose Me

by Amanda Torrey

  Last night had not turned out to be the fun time Sabrina had promised.

  Maybe it had been for a little while, but now she was about to be murdered by her blankets and hair and screaming wouldn’t even help because she was alone. Forever alone.

  Strong hands freed her of her blanket, but the relief she felt at being able to stretch and, well, breathe was short-lived.

  Why was there a man in her cottage? What the hell had she done last night?

  She jolted upright and shoved the hair out of her face.

  Relief flooded her when she saw Gabe, though he looked majorly grumpy.

  Wait.

  What the heck happened last night?

  “How, what…”

  Words didn’t exist and she hated the helpless feeling that threatened her independence. She didn’t want him to see her vulnerable. Not anymore.

  She straightened the spine she had worked so hard to strengthen and stared at him until he looked away.

  He handed her two pills and a glass of water.

  “Do yourself a favor and take these.”

  She did as directed, already knowing she didn’t like the feeling of a hangover. Her head pounded and her mouth was drier than the cactus plant she had managed to kill from lack of watering.

  “Please tell me I didn’t call you drunk and crying.” She closed her eyes as she waited for the answer, but the suspense forced her eyes open. She so didn’t want to be that girl.

  His cheek muscle flexed and he looked away.

  “No. You didn’t.”

  She watched helplessly as he slipped into his boots and his coat and searched under the chair and the bed until he found his keys.

  She couldn’t just let him go.

  She didn’t know how he had ended up with her, taking care of her, and though she searched and searched her memory for some clue as to what had happened, she couldn’t let go of the fact that he was here with her, watching over her the way he always had. She had thought he hated her. Maybe he did.

  But maybe he loved her enough that they could make this thing work after all. Mr. Clark had a point about not throwing away something that can be salvaged, and she owed it to her heart to at least try.

  “Gabe, please don’t go.”

  She watched his shoulders slump as he stood facing the door. He wanted to go. But maybe he also wanted to stay.

  As he struggled with his decision, she forced her legs to stop trembling and to carry her over to him. She hugged him around his waist, planting her cheek against the rough wool of his coat. Pride had to take a back seat. Her gesture would either work to remind him of their connection, or she’d at least have the memory of his relaxing scent to carry her through the grieving period. One last hug. Or one hug that could save the future.

  He stiffened, but he didn’t try to pull away.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” she muttered against his back. Damn, he smelled good. Familiar. Strong.

  He turned around, but he didn’t return her hug. She stepped back, knowing she was a mess, but loving him too much to care.

  “Please stay.” She was proud of her voice for not trembling. A simple request—that was all she communicated. Not a single note of desperation made its way into her tone. Thankfully. “I really want to talk to you.”

  “Is there anything left to say?” He raised his eyebrows and shoved his hands into his pockets.

  She nodded. “Yes. Tons. I’ll make you a cup of coffee, and if you don’t mind waiting for me to take a quick shower, I’d appreciate it immensely.”

  Probably asking for too much, but she couldn’t stand her own stench and she didn’t want to go into a conversation already feeling so disadvantaged.

  To her surprise, he removed his coat and tossed it on the chair.

  “You shower. I’ll make the coffee.”

  She smiled at him. The fact that he was willing and able to tease her about her long-standing lack of coffee-making skills warmed her.

  He was lightening up.

  “Deal.”

  She took the world’s fastest shower, only slightly disappointed that he didn’t sneak in to join her. Sex with Gabe was wonderful, but as much as it had provided the most sensual salve to her emotional wounds in the recent past, sex wouldn’t close the gaping hole in the heart of their relationship.

  ***

  Gabe paced the small area of the cottage his wife had rented when he had cast her out of their marital home, marveling at how resilient she had become.

  He hadn’t kicked her out when she had abandoned him, but maybe what was unsaid between them was what had propelled her out of his world.

  Memories of her sadness struck him like a wrecking ball to the sternum, leaving him breathless.

  How many times had he watched her withdraw? His solution had always been to make a joke. Or put on her favorite television show. Or to take on more projects at work. His intentions had been good, but had they been effective?

  No.

  He had left her feeling alone even when she was by his side.

  She had been trying to deal with the hardship of losing baby after baby, or struggling to conceive. He had felt the strain and sadness, too, but whatever he had felt had probably been nothing compared to the emotional load she had carried.

  He hadn’t been able to see it then.

  But having her come back a year later as a changed person was a lot to handle.

  He loved the new her.

  She was stronger. More confident. She had found ways to nurture and love outside of their marriage. She—his mousy, sweet, quiet Kenzie—had stood up to coworkers on behalf of a patient who couldn’t speak up for himself.

  She had even learned to stand up to Gabe.

  That one was a little harder to handle, but the full package was something he’d definitely look twice at if he were meeting her for the first time.

  So why was he having such a hard time adapting to her changes?

  Maybe because he hadn’t tried to change to meet her partway.

  So when she stepped out of her comfort zone and hugged him rather than recoiling from his irritation, his heart wouldn’t allow him to walk away.

  Fatigue from sitting by her bedside all night caught up with him, and his favorite of her cats rolled over on her back, begging him to pet her on the belly. He knew this was a trap, and that as soon as he placed his hand there she would scratch and bite his hand, but it was a game he had learned to love and had sort of missed since she had taken the cats out of the house.

  He’d never admit that to anyone, though.

  He leaned against her pillow, amazed that he could so quickly get past the lingering smell of alcohol and find the sensual scent of her perfume.

  He had learned to live without her before.

  Could he learn to live with her all over again?

  Without expecting her to go back to who she was before?

  He closed his eyes for a moment, but her cats decided he had to pay his dues. He obliged, wishing he had remembered to bring his antihistamine. What was a little discomfort when it came to pleasing his feline friends?

  Maybe they could teach him a thing or two about pleasing the woman they all knew and loved.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  She took an extra minute to throw on some make-up, wanting to feel as confident and secure as was womanly possible.

  The sight she found upon returning to the living area of the small cottage melted her heart, leaving a sentimental puddle at her feet.

  Gabe had placed his coffee on the hand-carved nightstand next to the bed. His large frame made the bed look small as he sprawled across it, covered in a blanket of cats.

  She leaned against the wall and watched as Ella continuously nudged her head against his hand, forcing him to pet her as the others claimed their spots on his body.

  She should shoo them away, knowing that his eyes were probably itchy and his skin probably crawled. But the hard lines on his face had relaxed, and he looked more like the appro
achable, cheerful Gabe she had always known and loved than the angry, hostile man who had pushed her away.

  Fear of him losing the relaxed state kept her quiet. She wanted to soak in this memory of him and her cats.

  Reality had no business interfering with this future memory.

  Unfortunately, Georgie gave away Mackenzie’s presence when she perked up and stared across the room. Gabe’s stare followed, and Mackenzie was busted.

  “Thanks for not bolting while I was in the shower.” She fidgeted with the finger that used to hold her wedding band, then rubbed her suddenly sweaty palms over her hips when she realized the significance of the gesture.

  She hoped he hadn’t noticed.

  He gently removed the cats from his legs and belly and swung his feet to the floor. His eyes bore into hers, and she felt the familiar rise of heat as he studied her soul.

  “You were right. We should talk.” Gabe’s voice was strong and commanding as his long legs closed the distance between them in five easy strides.

  She did want to talk, but the back of her neck itched and her guts twisted at the idea of him making the suggestion. He sounded so…ominous. A nerve-wracking combination of threat and promise.

  He grabbed her wrist and pulled her to the oversized chair. He gestured for her to sit while he pulled the dining chair over, seating himself less than a foot from her.

  She sat at the edge of her seat, too terrified of what was to come to get comfortable.

  She had fantasized about him being more open in his communication. Now that he sat in front of her with all of his attention and focus on her, she wasn’t so sure about the reality.

  She swallowed hard, trying to push the fear and uncertainty further down into the deep sea of her torrid emotions.

  “I haven’t been fair to you,” he began, stroking the delicate skin on her wrist with his rough and ink-stained thumb. “You’ve been telling me you needed more from me, and I’ve refused to listen.”

  “I don’t need more—you are everything.” Her voice was tight and strained, with a tinge of panic she wished she didn’t feel.

  “You need more. You deserve more.”

  She stared at their joined hands. His large hand protected hers. Just like always.

  She never wanted to go another day without holding his hand. But she might have to go a lifetime.

  “I know it’s been hard for you. All of it. Losing the babies. Not conceiving easily. It’s been hard for me, too, but I didn’t want you to feel my pain since you were the one suffering the most.”

  “Gabe—” Though she had things she wanted to say, she couldn’t squeeze any more words past her tightened throat.

  “Shh. Listen. I know you left because you thought it was best. You thought you were freeing me. I’m not mad about that anymore. I hate that you did it, but I understand that you were hurting.” He lifted their joined hands and planted a sweet kiss on her knuckles. “And you came back. That was the important thing.”

  “I could never stay away from you. I love you so much.”

  He lowered his head, looking down at their nearly-touching knees. He stayed that way for several heartbeats before turning his piercing eyes back to her.

  “I love you, too. God, Kenzie. I love you so much it hurts. But you said something else, and we need to figure it out.”

  Blood rushed through her ears, making everything louder and quieter all at the same time. What had she said? She struggled to remember every word she had ever spoken, desperately trying to figure out a response for whatever was about to be slung back in her face.

  “You said you didn’t like the way you were feeling. I thought you meant the way I made you feel, but now I think I was wrong. I hope, anyway.” He smirked. “Can you explain? Slowly. In words even a numbskull can comprehend?”

  She smiled at their old high school joke. An English teacher had called him a numbskull one time when he was mouthing off about the validity of some essay they had been forced to read, and the teacher had taken offense with his attitude.

  “I shouldn’t have said that. About me feeling whatever.”

  “No. You should have said it. Maybe you should have said it long ago, but the important thing is that you said it now, and I need an explanation. I want to do better. Help you feel better. And I can’t if you don’t tell me what you need.”

  She inhaled deeply, wishing she could drag him to the bed and forget about this conversation. How could something she had wanted so badly for so long feel so dreadfully uncomfortable? Talking about this was like slipping a coat of cactus over her bare skin.

  But it had to be done. She had come this far. He was asking for clarification.

  She owed it to him to not lose the bravery she had been practicing.

  “Promise you won’t yell?”

  His lips were tight, but his eyes were full of compassion. He shook his head gently and squeezed her hand.

  “I won’t yell.”

  “Okay then.” She took a long, fortifying breath. This was it. She’d tell him all of her thoughts. Her needs. Her desires. He’d either accept her for the new her or kick her to the curb.

  Their relationship would change. For better or for worse, she wasn’t sure. But since their marriage had already hit rock bottom, there wasn’t much further down they could go.

  And if she didn’t get this out, she’d be living a lie and dragging him down with her, forcing him to live a life along the scummy bottom.

  “When I was away, I had to learn to be more independent. You’ve been there to take care of me since I met you. Even when we were separated through college, I wasn’t on my own. I lived in dorms, had meals prepped, and had your emotional support. When I left here, I was on my own, alienated from the only man I’d ever love.”

  She cleared her throat. She wouldn’t cry.

  “Something happened to me. I was ridiculously lonely. Scared. Shy. I didn’t talk to anyone. And then the money I had brought ran out and my mother couldn’t spare any more, so I had to put myself out there. I got a job in a residential home for the elderly, sort of like the one I’m working in now, but bigger. Suddenly I felt like I was where I belonged. With people I understood. Doing something that took me out of my own self-pity and allowed me to nurture and care for others. I started speaking up on behalf of the residents in a way I had never been able to speak up for myself. And though I missed you every single moment of every single day, and though I cried every single time I thought of our precious baby girl and all the other lives we had lost, I finally started feeling good about the person I was. Finally started to think there was something more to me than a woman who couldn’t do the thing I was supposed to be able to do so easily.”

  “I thought you liked working at the print shop. With me. I thought that was our dream we built together.”

  “I did! It was! I never once regretted anything we’ve done together or any of the dreams we fought so hard to achieve. I just didn’t know until I was on my own that I wanted more for myself. That I needed to find an outlet for this need I have to care for others.”

  A warmth spread through her heart and down her arms as she felt herself grow taller in her seat. This was right. She was being fully honest for the first time in her life, and it felt perfect.

  “I want you, Gabe. More than anything. I love you so much, it’s borderline insane.”

  “Why do I sense a ‘but’ coming?”

  “Buuuuuut,” she dragged out, smiling into his eyes. “But I can’t go back to living the way I was. I need to do more. Be more. I love you, but I have to love and honor myself, too. I have to be able to let go of old dreams, and I need to know for sure that you’re okay with that.”

  The silence formed a barrier between them, and though he held her hand, she felt him slipping away.

  Where he went, she had no idea.

  But man, she’d give her left arm to be able to climb inside his head and hear his thoughts.

  Ella must have sensed the tension, because she
jumped onto Mackenzie’s lap and flicked her tail across Gabe’s cheek. The motion brought life back to Gabe’s eyes as he suppressed a sneeze.

  “What are you thinking, Gabe?” She needed to know. She couldn’t wait any longer.

  He shrugged and stroked the cat, smiling as Ella’s rear end lifted into the air.

  “Please. Don’t leave me hanging here.”

  “Like you left me hanging for a year?”

  She stilled. And maybe died a little.

  He hadn’t forgiven her.

  He probably never would.

  He smiled to soften the blow of his hard-hitting words.

  “I’m teasing, Kenz. I’m just trying to take it all in.”

  She allowed her breath to penetrate her lungs.

  “Will you throw that in my face for the rest of my life?”

  He managed to look confused.

  “You’re right. It was a low blow. Consider that particular incident dead and buried.” He quirked an eyebrow and gave her the half grin that always made her knees tremble. “Promise.”

  But could she reasonably expect him to keep that promise?

  “Don’t cry. Please. Your tears kill me.”

  She blinked away the tsunami that had begun to build behind her eyelids. She owed him the peace of not having to comfort her.

  They had decisions to make, and they had to be made as adults.

  Emotion could come later.

  Right now they had to figure out the business of their marriage.

  “I’m starving,” he said, breaking the once-again painful silence. “You hungry?”

  She nodded, but bit her lip when she remembered that she was down to one yogurt and a few wrinkly grapes. She had meant to pick up some more groceries to restock the small fridge, but she had followed Miss Molly’s advice and gone all party girl instead.

  She smiled sheepishly. “We’ll have to go out to breakfast.”

  “Nonsense.”

  He bolted up and was out her door before she could question his sudden moves.

  Seconds later he returned with a tray of pastries from Tiana’s downtown.