Can't Lose Me

by Amanda Torrey

  “How?”

  He shrugged. “A grateful client dropped these off at the shop yesterday. I forgot to bring them in.”

  Her stomach growled and her mouth watered.

  “You’re an amazing man.”

  “Can’t disagree with you there.”

  She laughed and retrieved plates and forks as he rested the tray on the small dining table.

  After they had each devoured a pastry or two, he leaned back and rubbed his belly.

  He leaned forward on the table, resting his powerful arms in front of him. Suddenly she wished she had never felt the need for conversation.

  “I’m glad you shared your thoughts and feelings with me, Kenzie. I know I suck at talking about the important stuff, but everyone says it’s important to do.”

  She blushed.

  He continued, “Most importantly, I love you. I want you. I always have and always will.”

  His eyes met hers directly. With his hands clasped and his shoulders so strong, he looked like a bigwig businessman negotiating an important contract.

  “No matter what happens between us, I want you to know that I don’t blame you for what happened with that man.” He made a face as jealousy colored the tone of his words. “And if you need to keep working there, I’ll get over it. Because I love you.”

  Thoughts rushed through her head like an out of control train tearing off the track. She couldn’t stop herself from letting all of her fears pour out as she struggled to hang on for dear life.

  “I have never once doubted your love, Gabe. But things are different, and I need to know that you’ll be happy with this new version of me. Even if I leave this particular job, I’ll want another one just like it. You like a regimented schedule, and my schedule will be irregular. And you want a baby, a family—I do, too. But I don’t know if I can even try anymore. Sometimes I wonder if that ship has sailed and left me standing on the shore, you know?” She wished her cheeks would stop burning.

  He stared at her, his gaze burning holes in her soul that only he could repair.

  She thought the sun would force its way through her room-darkening curtains and swallow her alive before he’d speak.

  She wanted the openness between them, but could he handle hearing her say—again—that she wasn’t sure she wanted to try to have more kids?

  After what seemed like half a century, he pushed away from the table and walked away.

  Should she follow him? Or give him space?

  This was unchartered territory in their new quasi-marriage, and she had no idea what the rules were.

  He didn’t leave her waiting for long. Within seconds he turned around and headed back to her, an enthusiastic spring in his step.

  She studied him. What was the deal?

  “Let’s take a trip down memory lane,” he offered, hitching his thumb through a belt loop on his jeans.

  Her belly tightened. She didn’t want to do that. She wanted to figure out the future.

  “Remember when we were deciding on colleges and we decided to give each other space and time to pursue our own interests?”

  She nodded. Okay, that past.

  “We didn’t break up, but we left things open. You wanted to make sure we knew for sure that we wanted to be together forever, and you thought I’d need to experience other women.”

  She groaned. That had been the worst. Knowing how badly she wanted him to want her all while telling him to go on dates with other women. He had made her date other men, too, but neither of them had ever gone beyond a friendly first date with anybody else. Until Antoine had kissed her, she had never even felt the lips of another man.

  “Remember when we decided to test our love?” He rubbed his chin. “I don’t know whose idea it was—probably yours, because I already knew I was in for the long run.”

  “Yes, I remember!” She giggled like a schoolgirl as the memory returned full force, then rubbed her forehead as her own noise agitated her day-after headache. “I convinced you of that stupid plan to not talk for a while and then we’d meet up on Christmas break. We’d give each other some sort of nonverbal sign and we’d each have to respect the sign and the other person’s wishes.”

  “You showed up at Miss Molly’s holiday party with a Mrs. O’Brien t-shirt on.” His smile filled his face.

  “And you showed up with an engagement ring you had saved all semester for with your pizza delivery money.”

  The feelings the memory brought on were as potent as they had been the moment he had fallen to his knee. He hadn’t proposed. There was no need. He had read her answer on her t-shirt, and she read his question in his eyes.

  She needed to be in his arms. She needed to feel his touch, his kiss. She needed him deep inside her as they relived the happy moments that had formed the foundation of their love.

  He swept her into his arms, pulling her hips into his so she could feel the blatant evidence of his love and lust for her.

  She’d never complain.

  “I think we should do that again,” he said.

  She wrapped her arms around his neck and nipped at his chin.

  “I’m ready when you are.”

  He grinned.

  “Yes, that. But also the first thing we were talking about.”

  She pulled away enough for him to read the confusion on her face.

  “The time apart. To be sure we are fully in love with this new version of our love and not falling into the old familiar patterns that made you unhappy.”

  The idea of more time apart should have hurt her, but it didn’t. It made perfect sense. It had worked for them in college, and she hoped and prayed it would work now. But she’d never know if she didn’t agree to try.

  Emotion clogged her throat.

  “You’ve never made me unhappy.”

  He kissed her forehead, lingering there for a moment. She breathed in his scent, wondering how she’d ever go another day without experiencing him in all of his dimensions.

  “We have work to do to put this relationship back on course,” he finally said, not removing his lips from her forehead.

  She shivered at the vibration of his lips against her skin as he spoke. She grabbed his forearms as he held the sides of her head.

  “I want this to work.”

  “So do I.”

  His agreement meant the world to her.

  “Do we really have to spend more time apart?” Though she knew it made sense, she still felt like the class bully had snuck up and punched her in the kidneys.

  “I think we should. Because once you commit to me again, it’s going to be forever. I’ll follow you to the pits of hell if you ever get the idea that you want to free me from you. So you’d better be certain.”

  She nodded, using the promise that he would never let her go to ward away the hot tears that threatened to spill.

  “We’ve already been in violation of the court order. I guess a little more rebellion won’t hurt anything.”

  “To hell with the court order. They’re checking off boxes.” He pulled away enough to look down into her eyes. “This is our life.”

  She pressed herself against him, wrapping her arms around his neck. He stared down at her, and she studied every pore, every random freckle, every line in his face.

  What if she never got to be this close again?

  What if the next few days proved to him that he could and should live without her? That she had changed too much and she was no longer the girl he had fallen for in high school?

  Tuning in to the negative shift in her emotions, he lifted her chin with his index finger and stared into her eyes.

  She willed herself to mask the sadness and fear and regret and anticipation and worry and hope and instead turned her gaze into an invitation.

  Luckily for her, he accepted the nonverbal invite. His lips were warm and soft against hers, and though she could almost feel a riptide below the surface, neither of them pushed the boundaries to demonstrate the passion that was never too far away.r />
  She gripped his neck tighter when he started to pull away.

  “I’ve got to go, babe.”

  “I hate that.”

  “Me too. But we made a plan.”

  “I know,” she whined. She hated the plan. Hated it. But she loved him and she had to make sure their marriage could survive. She had to know that he’d decide to make a life with her even though she had changed.

  He brushed his thumb over her moistened lip.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  She faked a smile, but she knew he could see right through her deception.

  “I was just thinking that this could be our last time together. Our last kiss.”

  He reached up and stroked her cheek. She pressed her cheek into his palm.

  “Don’t think like that, Kenz.”

  But he had to be thinking the same thing, because he pushed her against the wall and made love to her mouth. If they had to have a last kiss, this kiss—with his pelvis grinding against hers and his hands memorizing every inch of her head and face—was the one she’d bring to bed with her every night for the rest of her life.

  If she couldn’t have him.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  The moment of truth felt more like a crappy rainstorm, frizzy hair, and a bout of nausea.

  Oh yeah, and don’t forget the headache.

  After a few days of nonstop of soul searching, crying, laughing at her own idiocy, too much tea with Sabrina, a lying-through-her-fingertips update email to their court mediator, and major work avoidance, Mackenzie O’Brien had finally made up her mind. For sure.

  The final court hearing would happen in three hours and seventeen minutes, which left just enough time for an impromptu trip to the hair salon where she’d chop her hair off and hope that if Gabe had chosen to stay with her, he’d like her new style in spite of the fact that he had always loved her long, wavy hair.

  And if he didn’t?

  She couldn’t worry about that.

  She had spent far too much time worrying about what Gabe would decide.

  She hoped he would choose her at court.

  She hoped she’d be leaving the courthouse a married woman.

  But she couldn’t lose herself if he chose differently.

  She’d be okay.

  She had to be okay.

  ***

  He wasn’t okay.

  He had lost sleep. He had lost his appetite. And he was about to lose his mind.

  He had allowed his feelings to rule him for far too long.

  Time for his brain to make a damned decision for a change.

  He couldn’t worry about how his decision would impact her.

  Gabe collected some things that he thought she should have and prepared himself to say a final goodbye.

  Driving to the courthouse, he refused to think about it anymore.

  His brain was the driving force, and his feelings had to take a back seat.

  Because his brain had never hurt him as much as his heart—and Mackenzie—had.

  ***

  Shorter hair made a lighter spirit, and it was that spirit that carried her into the courthouse. Though Sabrina had taken the day off specifically to accompany her to the courthouse, Mackenzie had banished her, promising she wouldn’t slit her wrists or cause a dramatic scene or scream and cry and beg Gabe to reconsider.

  Those scenarios only mattered if he decided against staying with her.

  And she had built enough of a life that though she didn’t want to live without him, she could.

  She’d survive.

  Though her pride didn’t mean anything to her, she had already promised that she’d let him go if that’s what he needed.

  If that’s what he wanted.

  Please don’t let that be what he wants.

  After checking in at the registration window, Mackenzie slipped into the restroom and pulled her wedding veil out of her bag. She had stopped at her mother’s house to retrieve it while she knew her mom and sister were at an appointment.

  Carefully holding the pearled edge, she slid the comb into her shorter, wavier hair. She watched herself transform from an insecure maybe-soon-to-be-ex-wife into a blushing bride once again.

  Taking a deep breath, she watched her eyes brighten as she draped the front of the veil over her face.

  She’d be mortified to enter the courtroom like this, especially if he didn’t give her a sign that he wanted to stay together.

  She’d be signing divorce papers in her wedding veil.

  She shuddered at the thought.

  How humiliating that would be!

  Her stomach twisted and knotted and threatened to spill its meager contents, but she pressed her hand to the back of her neck and forced herself to think only positive thoughts.

  Positive thoughts had to save her marriage.

  They had to.

  If she didn’t hurry and leave the restroom, she’d never go through with her plan. And she’d probably miss the hearing, too.

  Hands shaking, she pulled the door open and nearly passed out at the full courtroom. This was going to be worse than she imagined.

  But Gabe was the potential prize, and she’d strip down naked if it would prove to him that she was ready to make a life with him. Forever.

  A crying baby pulled her out of her silent self-talk and almost made her run out the door.

  What was she thinking? How could she do this to him?

  Was it fair to force him into a childless life or deny him his greatest wish of a biological child?

  Though she could hear people whispering, she was finally happy to have the veil. At least it hid her blushing face and moist eyes.

  As if coming out of a yearlong coma, she startled when she heard her name called.

  This was her moment.

  But where was Gabe?

  She could barely see past all the people gawking at her. The lighting wasn’t great in the courthouse, and to top it off, a fluorescent bulb kept flickering, disorienting her. The baby started crying again. Mackenzie gripped her belly, tormented by the needy cry.

  Just as she was about to turn around and walk out the door she had so assuredly walked through, a warm hand gripped hers.

  He looked so serious. So sad. So ready to say something.

  Was it goodbye?

  She could hear nothing but her own breath and the rise and fall of her expectations.

  They had made a deal.

  And he didn’t show a sign of taking her back.

  She couldn’t blame him.

  He needed more. He needed the old her, and that was just one of several things she couldn’t offer him.

  “It’s okay.”

  She wasn’t sure if the words came from him or from her, but for the first time in over a year, she knew the words were true.

  No matter what happened, it was all going to be okay.

  She’d hold on to his love forever. Even if she couldn’t hold on to him.

  She lifted the veil off her face, not really knowing what she should do next. His lack of a sign was all she needed.

  She gave him the only thing she could give him at this point.

  A smile.

  She wouldn’t make him remember her as a whimpering, sad, pathetic woman. She’d give him the gift he had always wanted from her—her happiness. And her blessing for him to lead the life he always wanted. To become fulfilled in a relationship that met his ideals.

  Maybe someday he’d tell his children about her. Maybe they could learn to be friends one day. Maybe she could find a way to be part of his life.

  That would take time.

  But what else did she have but time?

  The bailiff called her name again. She smiled brighter.

  “Shall we?” She gestured toward the front of the court as she vowed to herself that her hands would be steady as they signed away her past. And her future.

  He offered her his arm as they took that one last walk down the aisle. As badly as she wanted to touc
h him, to hold on to him for one more blink of an eye, she shook her head gently and moved forward.

  On her own two feet.

  The judge read through the paperwork as if it were as inconsequential as the grocery list. Mackenzie tuned it out. There was nothing being said that she wanted to hear. Certainly nothing she wanted to remember.

  Suddenly there was a ruckus in the back of the courtroom. The judge had just begun to ask them direct questions about how they had spent the mediation months. He wanted information on the dates they had taken, the dinners they had eaten, and the work they had done to try to save their marriage.

  Before either of them could answer, a group of Mackenzie’s favorite people were parading down the aisle of the courtroom and making a semi-circle around Gabe and Mackenzie.

  Miss Molly donned a white silk eye patch with a tiny flourish of tulle—very similar to the wedding veil Mackenzie felt burning her head. Sabrina was dressed in a set of scrubs that had a Minnie and Mickey Mouse with flowers and big kisses. She pushed Mr. Clark in a wheelchair. He was dressed in what he called his Sunday Best, complete with a boutonnière and an only halfway grumpy smile.

  Her mom and sister stood beside her, smiling like goofballs. A few guys Mackenzie sort of recognized but didn’t really know rounded out the semi-circle, standing by Gabe’s side and elbowing each other as if this was the funniest thing they had ever witnessed.

  “What’s going on?” she whispered to her mom. When her mom raised an eyebrow and gestured to Gabe, Mackenzie turned toward him, eyes wide and smile so far gone, she couldn’t remember ever making her lips curl upward. “I’m so sorry. I have no idea.”

  “Your honor,” Gabe said, winking at Mackenzie and turning back toward the judge. “Thank you for agreeing to my unconventional request.”

  “This is unconventional indeed. Let’s get on with it. We have other cases waiting to be heard.”

  Gabe pulled something from his pocket and handed it to Mackenzie.

  She opened the box to find her engagement and wedding rings.

  She looked at him, unable to hide the confusion she felt.

  “I thought you should have them. They were yours, after all. I didn’t really understand why you left them behind.”