Aftermath

by Joanne Clancy

  It was a very peaceful time and in between dives they went snorkelling or swimming in the bay. Everyone was excited about what they'd seen underwater and Niall was bubbling over with details about his undersea adventures.

  The second night on the boat they crept upstairs on deck. They climbed into a hammock and slept out under the stars. It was magnificent. All they did on that boat was eat, sleep, scuba dive, sunbathe and make love. It was the best holiday they could have imagined.

  They returned to their hotel after their three day scuba diving excursion, where they spent their remaining days swimming, reading and playing like children. They found a pineapple and tossed it around like it was a football. They took a stick and played hangman and noughts and crosses in the sand. Everything was wonderfully laid-back; total relaxation.

  On their last evening in Portugal they sat on the beach talking about the future.

  “What would you like to accomplish next?” Hope asked Niall.

  He pondered her question for a moment before answering. “Everything I dreamed of doing, I've done. I think I've achieved most of my goals. I'm so happy and madly in love.” He looked at her with his beautiful blue eyes shining.

  They had dinner on the beach that night on plastic tables underneath a roof of palm leaves. There was a barbecue pit made from half a tin drum. They enjoyed fresh fish grilled with delicious spices, chicken satay on skewers with delicious peanut sauce and many varieties of vegetables and fruit. They had dined in some of the best restaurants but none could compare to that delectable feast.

  After their meal they sat at the plastic table and talked by candlelight. The full moon and twinkling stars lit up the dark depths of the ocean in front of them.

  “How many children would you like to have?” Hope asked tentatively.

  “I'd like to have one of our own and maybe adopt,” he replied.

  They had been talking about marriage for a while and Niall had asked her for a signal to let him know when he could propose. She suggested that when she started talking about children that it would be a sign that she was ready for marriage. It was a matter of timing, not a question of commitment.

  “Be careful, Hope,” he smiled. “You've just mentioned the magic word.”

  She smiled but didn't say anything. They both knew they were ready.

  After their trip to Portugal they tried to spend as much time together as possible, but they both had such busy schedules that it was proving quite difficult. Whenever Niall returned from a business trip she was always at the airport to pick him up. She loved that first moment when he appeared through the arrivals doors; seeing him, his eyes twinkling and his arms outstretched for her. She would run into his arms. He was her safe haven. He was the most thoughtful man she'd ever known. He knew how much she liked French romance films and liked to surprise her with a DVD. Her favourite was the Three Colours trilogy. She watched those DVDs over and over and Niall would spend most of the film watching her. He took such pleasure in making her happy.

  One Friday night he took her to a concert in Fitzgerald's park where a local band was playing in the open air. It was the last concert of the season and there were fireworks. They packed a picnic in a hamper, which Niall had prepared, put it on the back of his motorbike and rode to the park. They had a picnic on the freshly mown grass, listened to the music and watched the fireworks display. Everything in their relationship was going so wonderfully. They were still in the honeymoon phase and Hope secretly prayed it would last.

  Over the next few months Niall and Hope tried to catch as much time together as they could. Hope was very busy with her television presenting and Niall was consumed with his business affairs.

  Niall's workaholic nature was beginning to grate on Hope's nerves. They were always in touch with each through texts and by telephone but they were apart a lot and even when they were finally together again there were real pressures, mostly coming from Niall and his hectic lifestyle. Hope wondered if his nature would become an obstacle between them. Slowly but surely it was starting to feel as if their honeymoon period was coming to an end. He was exhausted, completely drained from all the work and still trying to maintain both his professional and personal lives. He didn't know how to give one hundred per cent to his work and a hundred per cent to his personal life. The relationship they shared was so powerful and amazing that the thought of being without him was unbearable. She needed him, she wanted him and the minute they were together their souls were united. Yet he couldn't stay with her. A few days here and there and then he was gone again.

  Hope was under a lot of pressure at work too. Her image was constantly scrutinised and she felt she had to present herself as perfectly as possible at all times or face ridicule in the newspapers and magazines. She knew that if she slipped up on even the tiniest detail that it could make a huge impact. Maybe something was wrong with her hair or her makeup or maybe her dress was too tight, whatever; it could be all-consuming. The newspapers were like vultures, ready to pick on every detail and publish terrible pictures and stories. Hope didn't want that kind of publicity. She'd seen what negative publicity had done to some of her colleagues' careers and she didn't want to experience what they had endured.

  Ironically, some people say there's no such thing as bad publicity; all publicity is good publicity, but that wasn't Hope's style. Nothing was perfect. But she was determined to aim for it. She was constantly striving for perfection and was absolutely consumed by her career. Niall didn't like what the pressures were doing to Hope and what they were doing to their relationship.

  “If we don't give time to our relationship, there is no relationship,” Niall said to her one day. “It's just glorified dating.”

  They talked long and hard and tried to figure out a happy medium between their personal and professional lives.

  “It's always been my dream to be an actress, to see my name up on the billboards in flashing lights,” she tried to explain to Niall. “I know I'm borderline obsessed but I won't stop until I achieve it. It feels like I've been running at top speed since I left school, running between jobs and acting classes.”

  “I understand your drive and ambition because I'm the same way about my career. It's all-consuming at times.”

  “The problem is that the pace of our lives seems to have increased exponentially over the past few months,” Hope continued.

  “I suppose because we enjoy our work so much we didn't realise that we have become all work,” Niall paused for a moment. “You don't think that we should break up for a while, do you?” he asked hesitantly.

  Hope was shocked. It was like he had slapped her sharply across the face with his words. The colour drained from her cheeks and she suddenly felt overcome with fear. Her heart plummeted into her stomach and she thought for a brief moment that she might throw up. She took a few deep breaths and tried to blink back the tears that had welled up in her eyes.

  “Hey,” he said softly, leaning over and lifting her chin to look at her. “Don't cry.”

  That was it, Hope promptly burst into loud uncontrollable tears. Niall held her close in his arms and made soothing noises until her tears began to slowly subside. He kissed her hair and tenderly dried her tear-streaked face with his handkerchief.

  “I don't want to give up on us,” Hope stuttered eventually. “I can't give you up. I love you too much.”

  “I love you too, sweetheart, more than words can say,” Niall held her hand.

  “We can make this work, I know we can,” Hope continued, her voice full of determination. “I'm prepared to do whatever it takes.”

  “Me too, sweetheart, me too,” Niall whispered, with a faraway expression in his eyes.

  Their relationship became Hope's new project. She read countless books on how to attain a work-life balance. The books suggested that they each write out a “wish list” concerning their relationship and then, when each list was achieved, tick them off one by one.

  Hope's wish list was loving and caring. She wanted to
try to ensure that no matter how stressed-out or unhappy they might get, that they'd always be able to communicate with respect and compassion. Her self-help books had advised that it was important they share the positive and the negative with each other and crucially, they needed to truly actively listen to each other. More than anything else, she wanted to remember the very early days of their relationship, before they even knew how close they would become. This was their opportunity to get their lives into perspective and to try to enjoy life more fully.

  However, Niall wasn't quite as forthcoming about his list. He began writing it, but he had to put it aside; claiming he had too much work to do, but Hope was resolute to keep after him. There was no way that she was going to lose him; not now, not ever.

  “Find a few minutes to call me, Niall,” she tried to coax him. “Not when you're jumping out of a taxi on your way to another meeting. Take five or ten minutes in the day to really talk to me, only me, without multi-tasking. If you honestly can't talk then email me, but don't make it something that you're doing while you're in the middle of something else. Give me your full, undivided attention for even a few brief moments. If we invest the time in our relationship, then we will reap the benefits.”

  Slowly, through Hope's wise words, Niall began to learn how to make the balance. Her “lessons” were easy to follow because she tried not to nag or scold him; often she teased him into relaxing. “You know, Niall, if you take two days off, it's called the weekend.”

  Gradually, Niall's attitude and actions began to change. He stopped running from one endless meeting to another. He made time, for himself and for Hope. Their phone calls were more frequent and longer. Most revealing, he even delegated a few meetings to spend more time with her. Their relationship went from strength to strength, just as the books had promised.

  Hope had always wanted to go to Barbados and Niall was eager to go too. Amazingly, in spite of his busy schedule, he researched the entire trip and took care of all the arrangements. Niall usually took care of the financial side of their trips while Hope organised the itinerary, but this time, Niall did everything. He would be travelling from London on December twenty-second and Hope would travel from Cork. They would meet at the hotel in Barbados. Hope got there on time but Niall missed his plane.

  “I am so sorry, darling,” he apologised profusely on the telephone to her while he waited for the next flight. “My meeting ran way over time and it was vital that I finalise some documents before everywhere shuts down for Christmas. There was a traffic jam a mile long by the time I got to the airport, nothing was moving. Would you believe I got to the gate just as they announced that the flight had closed? I tried to sweet-talk them into letting me board, but they were having none of it. I must be losing my touch.” He tried to crack a joke, anything to break the tension which was palpable down the telephone line even with a distance of thousands of miles between them.

  “I see, well I guess I'll see you when you get here,” her voice was dripping with disappointment as she abruptly hung up the phone, putting an end to his excuses.

  Hope was very upset. She felt completely let down by him, especially when she'd worked so hard to make their relationship work. The thought was beginning to play on her mind that maybe he didn't really care if it worked out or not. He certainly didn't seem to care as much as her.

  Niall finally arrived two days later, on December twenty fourth, just in time for Christmas Eve. They were staying at the Haven Lodge. The concierge directed Niall to the private residence that he would share with Hope; a cute little two-storey house. The lights were on and big lizards were crawling up the outside walls as he approached, wheeling his suitcase behind him. The concierge had offered to have someone bring his bags for him but he had declined the offer, wanting to have the first moment with Hope unspoilt by the presence of someone else.

  He knocked tentatively on the front door and Hope swung it open to greet him. Her whole body went weak at the sight of him. Every time she saw him after an absence, her reaction was always the very same. She seemed to deflate. She ran into his arms and they hugged without speaking for some moments, breathing each other in, reconnecting.

  “I suppose you better come in,” she smiled eventually.

  He reluctantly released her from his arms and pulled his suitcase inside. She led him on the grand tour around the darling little house. Downstairs was a kitchen and bathroom and a sitting area. Upstairs was a hall, a bathroom and a large double bedroom. They went into the bedroom where Hope had spread out many beautifully wrapped presents for Niall.

  “I'm so sorry, darling,” Niall reiterated. “I so badly wanted to show you that I could put you before my work.”

  “Don't worry, you can make it up to me later,” she winked flirtatiously at him. All was forgiven as soon as she'd seen him again. She loved him too much to stay sulking for long and didn't want their precious time together to be spoilt; more precious than she could ever possibly realise.

  They enjoyed a lovely Christmas Eve dinner at the main hotel and then strolled back to their little house. They talked for hours and fell asleep entwined in each other, like two spoons that fit together perfectly. They were a “single bed” couple. Hope could never understand the couples who liked to separate in the night and have their privacy and distance. King-size, queen-size, full-size; they were too big for Hope and Niall. They wanted to be close. Whenever there were twin beds, they used only one. Many times when they made a hotel reservation, they'd ask for a single bed. The hotel receptionist usually apologised profusely when they'd check in together, assuming of course that an error had been made with their booking. Nobody could quite believe that two people actually wanted to be in the same small bed.

  Christmas morning they awoke bright and early and went to a beautiful beach with the most amazing sparkly black sand and white driftwood scattered everywhere.

  “You could walk for an hour to the right and an hour to the left on this beach and still not see a living person,” Niall laughed. They were sitting in a rock pool just chatting and relaxing. They spent the whole day on the beach, just the two of them.

  The rest of Christmas Day was spent watching old black and white films, such as “Miracle on Thirty Fourth Street” and “It's a Wonderful Life.” It was such a refreshing change to be somewhere warm and sunny and to experience something other than the traditional Christmas at home.

  The next day, St. Stephen's Day, they spent exploring along the shore and splashing about in their “secret” rock pool. When the sun began to fade and the cool of the evening was setting in, they built a fire and grilled the chicken fillets which they'd taken from the hotel. When the fire died down to a few embers they curled up together on the beach and slept under the stars; their very own single bed.

  Their days were pleasantly active and their evenings were quiet. They played in the water, relaxed on the warm sand and read. Hope's guilty pleasure was Mills and Boon romance novels which Niall teased her mercilessly about. They played tennis and Niall taught her the game of chess and they talked and talked. He told her more about his childhood and how he'd spent most of his early years in and out of foster homes. He didn't know much about his parents; all he knew was what the social workers had told him; that his mother was only a teenager at the time of his birth and couldn't cope with a baby.

  “Have you ever tried to find her?” Hope asked, full of sympathy for him. It was obvious that it hurt him deeply to talk about his childhood.

  “No, if she really wanted to keep me she would have found a way. She took the easy option and gave me up.”

  “You don't know that for sure, darling,” Hope protested. “She was so young when she had you. Maybe she had no choice. Try not to judge her too harshly.”

  “You don't know what I've been through,” he snapped, his eyes flashing fire. “You don't have any idea what it's like to be passed from one family to the next, never being in one place long enough to really bond with anyone. I didn't belong anywhere or with an
yone and I never felt loved or wanted as I child. Luckily, nobody was ever particularly mean or cruel to me, but I always had a pervading sense that I was an outsider, standing on the edge of things, looking in and I blame my mother for that. I was her responsibility and she abandoned me. Why on earth would I want to find her or know anything about her?” His face was full of anger and hurt.

  “You don't know what her circumstances were at the time of your birth,” Hope persisted. “I'm sure she didn't want to give you up.”

  “I don't want to waste my time talking or thinking about her,” Niall interjected. “She's my past. I spent enough time wondering why she let me go and I don't want to dwell on her any more. That's why I'm so happy I met you. I feel like we belong together and one day we might have a family of our own.”

  Hope kissed him gently and laid her head on his chest. She could feel his strong heartbeat under his shirt and she tried to imagine what it must have been like to be a little boy lost and alone in the world. Her heart ached for him and the obvious pain that he still felt no matter how deep he tried to bury it. Then she thought about the young woman who'd had to give her baby up. No mother would do that without good reason, she knew it. She made a silent promise to herself there and then that she would find Niall's mother and get the answers she felt he needed to get some closure in his life and start to heal.

  On New Year's Eve the hotel staff built a magnificent bonfire and along with the other guests, Niall and Hope sat around the fire, eating and chatting. There was no Champagne, but they didn't need it; they were drunk on conversation. Niall and Hope never ran out of conversation.

  Hope taught Niall how to bake scones. He loved to eat them as much as he loved to bake them! They got food from the hotel; fresh fish, vegetables and fruit and they cooked it in their little house. They laughed constantly. One day Hope laughed so much that she actually thought she might pee her swimsuit! Niall was funny, witty, silly and at the same time tender and caring.