Snooki In Wonderland: The Improved Classic

by Phil Edwards

  We are going to Space..

  Space means like guidos,

  juicehead gorillas,

  sexy, tanned, sweaty boys

  … AND country music.'

  'It can’t have been country music! I'm sure those are not the right words,' said poor Snooki, and her eyes filled with tears again as she went on, 'I must be on Sweet Sixteen after all, and I shall have to go and have a special guest appearance by a rapping artist, and cry about my frilly dress, and oh! ever so little alcohol to drink! No, I've made up my mind about it; if I'm on Sweet Sixteen, I'll stay down here! It'll be no use their putting their heads down and saying "Come up again, dear!" I shall only look up and say "Who am I then? Tell me that first, and then, if I like being that person, I'll come up: if not, I'll stay down here till I'm somebody else"—but, oh dear!' cried Snooki, with a sudden burst of tears, 'I do wish they WOULD put their heads down! I am so VERY tired of being all alone here!'

  As she said this she looked down at her hands, and was surprised to see that her arms were no longer long enough to reach the highest shelves. 'How CAN that be?' she thought. 'I must be growing small again.' She got up and went to the table to measure herself by it, and found that, as nearly as she could guess, she was now about two feet high, and was going on shrinking rapidly: she soon found out that the cause of this was the gum she was chewing, and she spit it out rapidly.

  'That WAS a narrow escape!' said Snooki, a good deal frightened at the sudden change, but very glad to find herself still in existence; 'and now for the garden!' and she ran with all speed back to the little door: but, alas! the little door was shut again, and the little golden key was lying on the glass table as before, 'and things are worse than ever,' thought the poor guidette, 'for I never was so small as this before, never! And I declare it's too bad, that it is!' She stared at her skin and could swear she was already growing paler. Snooki began to wonder if she would ever see a tanning bed again.

  As she said these words her foot slipped, and in another moment, splash! she was up to her chin in salt water. Her first idea was that she had somehow fallen into the sea, 'and in that case I can go back by jet-ski,' she said to herself. (Snooki had been to the seaside many times in her life, and had come to the general conclusion, that wherever you go to on the Jersey Shore some guido would be willing to pick you up in a nearby jet-ski). However, she soon made out that she was in the hot tub of tears which she had wept when she was nine feet high. They had a hint of the drinks she had guzzled the night before.

  'I wish I hadn't cried so much!' said Snooki, as she swam about, trying to find her way out. 'I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being drowned in my own tears! That WILL be a queer thing, to be sure! However, everything is queer to-day.'…

  Just then she heard something splashing about in the hot tub a little way off, and she swam nearer to make out what it was: at first she thought it must be a grenade or a zoo creature, but then she remembered how small she was now, and she soon made out that it was only a Shore Rat that had slipped in like herself.

  'Would it be of any use, now,' thought Snooki, 'to speak to this Shore Rat? Everything is so out-of-the-way down here, that I should think very likely it can talk: at any rate, there's no harm in trying.' So she began: 'O Shore Rat, do you know the way out of this hot tub? I am very tired of swimming about here, O Shore Rat!' (Snooki thought this must be the right way of speaking to a shore rat: she had never done such a thing before, but she remembered her father telling her ‘you must respect the shore rats, Snooki, or they shall eat all your leftover pizza'!) The Shore Rat looked at her rather inquisitively, and seemed to her to wink with one of its little eyes, but it said nothing.

  'Perhaps it doesn't understand English,' thought Snooki; 'I daresay it's a French mouse, come over with a shipment of French Toast.' (For, with all her knowledge of brunching, Snooki had no very clear notion how anything was made.) So she began again: 'Ou est ma chatte?' which was the first sentence in her French lesson-book. The Shore Rat gave a sudden leap out of the water, and seemed to quiver all over with fright. 'Oh, I beg your pardon!' cried Snooki hastily, afraid that she had hurt the poor animal's feelings. 'I quite forgot you didn't like cats.'

  'Not like cats!' cried the Shore Rat, in a shrill, passionate voice. 'Would YOU like cats if you were me?'

  'Well, perhaps not,' said Snooki in a soothing tone: 'don't be angry about it. And yet I wish I could show you my friend Deena. She can be quite catty, but she is very nice. She is such a dear quiet thing, and hasn’t eaten a single shore rat' Snooki went on, half to herself, as she swam lazily about in the hot tub, 'and she says that she is class in a glass—and she's such a capital one for catching shore rats—oh, I beg your pardon!' cried Snooki again, for this time the Shore Rat was bristling all over, and she felt certain it must be really offended. 'We won't talk about her any more if you'd rather not.'

  'We indeed!' cried the Shore Rat, who was trembling down to the end of his tail. 'As if I would talk on such a subject! Our family always HATED cats: nasty, low, vulgar things! Don't let me hear the name again!'

  'I won't indeed!' said Snooki, in a great hurry to change the subject of conversation, though she did wish to remind the mouse that Deena was merely catty, and not actually a cat…

  'Are you—are you fond—of—of dogs?' The short rat did not answer, so Snooki went on eagerly: 'There is such a nice little dog near our house I should like to show you! A little bright-eyed terrier, you know, with oh, such long curly brown hair! And it'll fetch things when you throw them, and it'll sit up in its handbag carrier, and all sorts of things—I can't remember half of them—and it belongs to a club owner, you know, and he says it's so useful, it's worth a hundred pounds! He says it kills all the rats and—oh dear!' cried Snooki in a sorrowful tone, 'I'm afraid I've offended it again!' For the Shore Rat was swimming away from her as hard as it could go, and making quite a commotion in the hot tub as it went.

  So she called softly after it, 'Shore Rat dear! Do come back again, and we won't talk about catty people or dogs either, if you don't like them!' When the Shore Rat heard this, it turned round and swam slowly back to her: its face was quite pale (with passion, Snooki thought), and it said in a low trembling voice, 'Let us get to the shore, and then I'll tell you my history, and you'll understand why it is I hate cats and dogs.'

  It was high time to go, for the hot tub was getting quite crowded with the birds and animals that had fallen into it: there were a Duck Phone and a Dodo, and a Juice Head who could barely swim because his arms were twice the size of his legs. Snooki led the way, and the whole party swam to the shore.

  CHAPTER III. A Grunting Festival and a Long Tale

  It was not the Jersey Shore, of course, but a different one, sadly bereft of the cameras and clubs that Snooki found she missed so greatly. They were indeed a queer-looking party that assembled on the bank—the birds with draggled feathers, the animals with their fur clinging close to them, and the Juice Head doing one-armed pushups and shooting steroids in the damp sand.

  The first question of course was, how to get dry again: they had a consultation about this, and after a few minutes it seemed quite natural to Snooki to find herself talking familiarly with them, as if she had known them all her life. Indeed, she had quite a long argument with one the Juice Head, who at last turned sulky, and would only say, 'I could lift you over my head, and must know better'; and this Snooki would not allow without seeing him lift her, and, as the Juice Head said he needed to conserve his muscles, there was no more to be said.

  At last the Shore Rat, who seemed to be a person of authority among them, called out, 'Sit down, all of you, and listen to me! I'LL soon make you dry enough!' They all sat down at once, in a large ring, with the Shore Rat in the middle. Snooki kept her eyes anxiously fixed on it, for she felt sure she would catch a bad cold if she did not get dry very soon.

  'Ahem!' said the Shore Rat with an important air, 'are you all ready? This is the driest thing I know. Silence all roun
d, if you please!’

  "Many things in the world have not been named; and many things, even if they have been named, have never been described. One of these is the sensibility- unmistakably modern, a variant of sophistication but—"

  'Ugh!' said the Juice Head, with a shiver.

  'I beg your pardon!' said the Shore Rat, frowning, but very politely: 'Did you speak?'

  ‘Forget about it!' said the Juice Head hastily.

  'I thought you did,' said the Shore Rat. '—I proceed.

  "but hardly identical with it—that goes by the cult name of camp. A sensibility (as distinct from an idea) is one of the hardest things to talk about—"'

  'Why is it hard?' said the Duck Phone. ‘Is it a type of stone?’

  'Difficult,' the Shore Rat replied rather crossly: 'of course you know what "hard" means in that way.'

  'I don’t really see what is difficult about a stone,' said the Duck Phone: ‘in fact they are quite easy to understand, though they are certainly hard. Shall we be drying ourselves with stones?'

  The Shore Rat did not notice this question, but hurriedly went on.

  "—But there are special reasons why Camp, in particular, has never been discussed. It is not a natural mode of sensibility, if there be any such. Indeed the essence of Camp is its love of the unnatural—"

  ‘How are you getting on now, my dear?' it continued, turning to Snooki as it spoke.

  'As wet as ever,' said Snooki in a melancholy tone: 'it doesn't seem to dry me at all.'

  'In that case,' said the Juice Head solemnly, rising to its feet, 'I move that we find a tanning bed to lie in and dry out dampened bodies—'

  'Speak English!' said the Dodo. 'I don't know what a tanning bed is, and if we wished to sleep in a bed, we might do it well while still soaked with water!' And the Dodo bent down its head to hide a smile: some of the other birds tittered audibly.

  'What I was going to say,' said the Juice Head in an offended tone, 'was, that the best thing to get us dry would be a tanning bed today. But since we lack one, we should have a grunting festival.'

  ‘What is a grunting festival?' said Snooki; not that she wanted much to know, but the Juice Head had paused as if he thought that SOMEBODY ought to speak, and no one else seemed inclined to say anything.

  'Why,' said the Juice Head, 'the best way to explain it is to do it.' (And, as you might like to try the thing yourself, some winter day, I will tell you how the Juice Head managed it.)

  First he marked out an area, in a sort of circle (‘the exact shape doesn’t matter,’ he said), and then all the party were placed along the area, here and there. Without a count off, the Juice Head began to do abdominal exercises and grunt with increasing volume. The rest of the party did the same. When they had been grunting half an hour or so, with occasional ‘spotting’ during particularly heavy lifts, they were quite warm and dry again, the Juice Head suddenly called out ‘Stop grunting!’ and they all crowded round him, panting, and asking, ‘But who has won?’

  This question the Juice Head could not answer without a great deal of thought, and he sat for a long time with one bicep flexed (the position in which you usually see muscle builders, in the pictures of them), while the rest waited in silence. At last the Juice Head said, 'EVERYBODY has won, and all must have prizes.'

  'But who is to give the prizes?' quite a chorus of voices asked.

  'Why, SHE, of course,' said the Juice Head, pointing to Snooki with one finger; and the whole party at once crowded round her, calling out in a confused way, 'Prizes! Prizes!'

  Snooki had no idea what to do, and in despair she put her hand in her pocket, and pulled out a box of Tic Tacs, (luckily the salt water had not got into it), and handed them round as prizes. There was exactly one a-piece all round.

  'But she must have a prize herself, you know,' said the Shore Rat.

  'Of course,' the Juice Head replied very gravely. 'What else have you got in your pocket?' he went on, turning to Snooki.

  'Only a hair clip,' said Snooki sadly.

  'Hand it over here,' said the Juice Head.

  Then they all crowded round her once more, while the Juice Head solemnly presented the hair tie, saying 'We beg your acceptance of this elegant hair clip'; and, when he had finished this short speech, they all cheered.

  Snooki thought the whole thing very absurd, but they all looked so grave that she did not dare to laugh; and, as she could not think of anything to say, she simply bowed, and took the hair clip, looking as solemn as she could. She used it to fix her pouf.

  The next thing was to eat the Tic Tacs: this caused some noise and confusion, as the Dodo complained it could not taste his, and the Duck Phone choked and had to be patted on the back. However, it was over at last, and they sat down again in a ring, and begged the Shore Rat to tell them something more.

  'You promised to tell me your history, you know,' said Snooki, 'and why it is you hate—C and D,' she added in a whisper, half afraid that it would be offended again.

  'Mine is a long and a sad tale!' said the Shore Rat, turning to Snooki, and sighing.

  'It IS a long tail, certainly,' said Snooki, looking down with wonder at the Mouse's tail; 'but why do you call it sad?' And she kept on puzzling about it while the Mouse was speaking, so that her idea of the tale was something like this:..

  'You are not attending!' said the Shore Rat to Snooki severely. 'What are you thinking of?'

  'I beg your pardon,' said Snooki very humbly: 'you had got to the fifth bend, I think?'

  'I had NOT!' cried the Shore Rat, sharply and very angrily.

  'A knot!' said Snooki, always ready to make herself useful, and looking anxiously about her. 'Oh, do let me help to undo it!'

  'I shall do nothing of the sort,' said the Shore Rat, getting up and walking away. 'You insult me by talking such nonsense!'

  'I didn't mean it!' pleaded poor Snooki. 'But you're so easily offended, you know!'

  The Shore Rat only growled in reply.

  'Please come back and finish your story!' Snooki called after it; and the others all joined in chorus, 'Yes, please do!' but the Shore Rat only shook its head impatiently, and walked a little quicker.

  'What a pity it wouldn't stay!' sighed the Dodo, as soon as it was quite out of sight; and an old Crab took the opportunity of saying to her daughter 'Ah, my dear! Let this be a lesson to you never to lose YOUR temper!' 'Hold your tongue, Ma!' said the young Crab, a little snappishly. 'You're enough to try the patience of an oyster!'

  'I wish I had our Deena here, I know I do!' said Snooki aloud, addressing nobody in particular. 'She'd soon fetch it back!'

  'And who is Deena, if I might venture to ask the question?' said the Dodo.

  Snooki replied eagerly, for she was always ready to talk about her friend: 'Deena is my particularly catty friend. And she always stands up for herself! And oh, I wish you could see her flip the bird! Why, she'll flip the bird countless times each day!'

  This speech caused a remarkable sensation among the party. Some of the birds hurried off at once: one old Magpie began wrapping itself up very carefully, remarking, 'I really must be getting home; the night-air doesn't suit my throat!' and a Canary called out in a trembling voice to its children, 'Come away, my dears! It's high time you were all in bed!' On various pretexts they all moved off, and Snooki was soon left alone.

  'I wish I hadn't mentioned Deena!' she said to herself in a melancholy tone. 'Nobody seems to like her, down here, and I'm sure she's a great guidette! Oh, my dear Deena! I wonder if I shall ever see you any more!' And here poor Snooki began to cry again, for she felt very lonely and low-spirited. In a little while, however, she again heard a little pattering of footsteps in the distance, and she looked up eagerly, half hoping that the Shore Rat had changed his mind, and was coming back to finish his story.

  CHAPTER IV. JWoww Sends in a Little Bill

  It was JWoww, walking slowly back again, and looking anxiously about as she went, as if she had lost something; and Snooki heard her mutter
ing to itself 'The Duchess! The Duchess! Oh I swear on all the silicone in my body! She'll get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets!' Snooki looked about—everything seemed to have changed since her swim in the hot tub of tears, and the great hall, with the glass table and the little door, had vanished completely.

  Very soon JWoww noticed Snooki, as she went hunting about, and called out to her in an angry tone, 'Why, Consuela, what ARE you doing out here? Run home this moment, and fetch me presents for Duchess Angelina! Quick, now!' And Snooki was so much frightened that she ran off at once in the direction JWoww pointed to.

  ‘She took me for her housemaid,' Snooki said to herself as she ran. 'How surprised she'll be when she finds out who I am! But I'd better take her the presents—that is, if I can find them.' As she said this, she came upon a neat little house, on the door of which was a bright brass plate with the name 'JWOWW, Trademark Pending' engraved upon it. She went in without knocking, and hurried upstairs, in great fear lest she should meet the real Consuela, and be turned out of the house before she had found the presents.

  'How queer it seems,' Snooki said to herself, 'to be doing this for JWoww! I suppose Deena'll be sending me on messages next!' And she began fancying the sort of thing that would happen: '"Miss Snooki! Come here directly, and get ready for your walk!"

  "Coming in a minute, nurse!’

  ‘Only I don't think,' Snooki went on, 'that they'd let Deena stop in the house if she began ordering people about like that!'

  By this time she had found her way into a tidy little room with a table in the window, and on it (as she had hoped) a package of premium tube tops, which were the presents JWoww needed. She took up the tops, and was just going to leave the room, when her eye fell upon a little bottle that stood near the looking-glass. There was no label this time with the words 'DRINK ME,' but nevertheless she uncorked it and put it to her lips. 'I know SOMETHING interesting is sure to happen,' she said to herself, 'whenever I eat or drink anything; so I'll just see what this bottle does. I do hope it'll make me grow large again, for really I'm quite tired of being such a tiny little thing!'