Snooki In Wonderland: The Improved Classic

by Phil Edwards

  It did so indeed, and much sooner than she had expected: before she had drunk half the bottle, she found her head pressing against the ceiling, and had to stoop to save her neck from being broken. She hastily put down the bottle, saying to herself 'That's quite enough—I hope I shan't grow any more—As it is, I can't get out at the door—I do wish I hadn't drunk quite so much!'

  Alas! it was too late to wish that! She went on growing, and growing, and very soon had to kneel down on the floor: in another minute there was not even room for this, and she tried the effect of lying down with one elbow against the door, and the other arm curled round her head. Still she went on growing, and, as a last resource, she put one arm out of the window, and one foot up the chimney, and said to herself 'Now I can do no more, whatever happens. What WILL become of me?'

  Luckily for Snooki, the little magic bottle had now had its full effect, and she grew no larger: still it was very uncomfortable, and, as there seemed to be no sort of chance of her ever getting out of the room again, no wonder she felt unhappy…

  'It was much pleasanter at home,' thought poor Snooki, 'when one wasn't always growing larger and smaller, and being ordered about by shore rats and others. I almost wish I hadn't gone down that hole—and yet—and yet—it's rather curious, you know, this sort of life! I do wonder what CAN have happened to me! When I used to watch fairy-tales, I fancied that kind of thing never happened, and now here I am in the middle of one! There ought to be a show made just about me, that there ought! And when I grow up, I'll produce one—but I'm grown up now,' she added in a sorrowful tone; 'at least there's no room to grow up any more HERE.'

  'But then,' thought Snooki, 'shall I NEVER get any older than I am now? That'll be a comfort, one way—never to be an old woman—but then—always to have confessionals to record! Oh, I shouldn't like THAT!'

  'Oh, you foolish Snooki!' she answered herself. 'How can you record confessionals in here? Why, there's hardly room for YOU, and no room at all for cameras!'

  And so she went on, taking first one side and then the other, and making quite a conversation of it altogether; but after a few minutes she heard a voice outside, and stopped to listen.

  ‘Consuela! Consuela!' said the voice. 'Fetch me my tube-tops this moment!' Then came a little pattering of feet on the stairs. Snooki knew it was JWoww coming to look for her, and she trembled till she shook the house, quite forgetting that she was now about a thousand times as large as JWoww, and had no reason to be afraid of her.

  Presently JWoww came up to the door, and tried to open it; but, as the door opened inwards, and Snooki's elbow was pressed hard against it, that attempt proved a failure. Snooki heard JWoww say to herself 'Then I'll go round and get in at the window.'

  'THAT you won't' thought Snooki, and, after waiting till she fancied she heard JWoww just under the window, she suddenly spread out her hand, and made a snatch in the air. She did not get hold of anything, but she heard a little shriek and a fall, and a crash of broken glass, from which she concluded that it was just possible it had fallen into a cucumber-frame, or something of the sort...

  Next came an angry voice—JWoww’s—'Pat! Pat! Where are you?' And then a voice she had never heard before, 'Sure then I'm here! Digging for apples, yer honour!'

  'Digging for apples, indeed!' said JWoww angrily. 'Here! Come and help me out of THIS!' (Sounds of more broken glass.)

  'Now tell me, Pat, what's that in the window?'

  'Sure, it's an arm, yer honour!' (He pronounced it 'arrum.')

  'An arm, you goose! Who ever saw one that size? Why, it fills the whole window!'

  'Sure, it does, yer honour: but it's an arm for all that.'

  'Well, it's got no business there, at any rate: go and take it away!'

  There was a long silence after this, and Snooki could only hear whispers now and then; such as, 'Sure, I don't like it, yer honour, at all, at all!' 'Do as I tell you, you coward!' and at last she spread out her hand again, and made another snatch in the air. This time there were TWO little shrieks, and more sounds of broken glass. 'What a number of cucumber-frames there must be!' thought Snooki. 'I wonder what they'll do next! As for pulling me out of the window, I only wish they COULD! I'm sure I don't want to stay in here any longer!'

  She waited for some time without hearing anything more: at last came a rumbling of little cartwheels, and the sound of a good many voices all talking together: she made out the words: 'Where's the other ladder?—Why, I hadn't to bring but one; Bill's got the other—Bill! fetch it here, lad!—Here, put 'em up at this corner—No, tie 'em together first—they don't reach half high enough yet—Oh! they'll do well enough; don't be particular—Here, Bill! catch hold of this rope—Will the roof bear?—Mind that loose slate—Oh, it's coming down! Heads below!' (a loud crash)—'Now, who did that?—It was Bill, I fancy—Who's to go down the chimney?—Nay, I shan't! YOU do it!—That I won't, then!—Bill's to go down—Here, Bill! the master says you're to go down the chimney!'

  'Oh! So Bill's got to come down the chimney, has he?' said Snooki to herself. 'Shy, they seem to put everything upon Bill! I wouldn't be in Bill's place for a good deal: this fireplace is narrow, to be sure; but I THINK I can kick a little!'

  She drew her foot as far down the chimney as she could, and waited till she heard a little animal (she couldn't guess of what sort it was) scratching and scrambling about in the chimney close above her: then, saying to herself 'This is Bill,' she gave one sharp kick, and waited to see what would happen next.

  The first thing she heard was a general chorus of 'There goes Bill!' then the JWoww’s voice along—'Catch him, you by the hedge!' then silence, and then another confusion of voices—'Hold up his head—Brandy now—Don't choke him—How was it, old fellow? What happened to you? Tell us all about it!'

  Last came a little feeble, squeaking voice, ('That's Bill,' thought Snooki,) 'Well, I hardly know—No more, thank ye; I'm better now—but I'm a deal too flustered to tell you—all I know is, something comes at me like a Jack-in-the-box, and up I goes like a sky-rocket!'

  'So you did, old fellow!' said the others.

  'We must burn the house down!' said JWoww’s voice; and Snooki called out as loud as she could, 'If you do. I'll set Deena at you!'

  There was a dead silence instantly, and Snooki thought to herself, 'I wonder what they WILL do next! If they had any sense, they'd take the roof off.' After a minute or two, they began moving about again, and Snooki heard JWoww say, 'A barrowful will do, to begin with.'

  'A barrowful of WHAT?' thought Snooki; but she had not long to doubt, for the next moment a shower of little pebbles came rattling in at the window, and some of them hit her in the face. 'I'll put a stop to this,' she said to herself, and shouted out, 'You'd better not do that again!' which produced another dead silence.

  Snooki noticed with some surprise that the pebbles were all turning into little cakes as they lay on the floor, and a bright idea came into her head. 'If I eat one of these cakes,' she thought, 'it's sure to make SOME change in my size; and as it can't possibly make me larger, it must make me smaller, I suppose.'

  So she swallowed one of the cakes, and was delighted to find that she began shrinking directly. As soon as she was small enough to get through the door, she ran out of the house, and found quite a crowd of little animals and birds waiting outside. The poor little Lizard, Bill, was in the middle, being held up by two guinea-pigs, who were giving it something out of a bottle. They all made a rush at Snooki the moment she appeared; but she ran off as hard as she could, and soon found herself safe in a thick wood.

  'The first thing I've got to do,' said Snooki to herself, as she wandered about in the wood, 'is to grow to my right size again; and the second thing is to find my way into that lovely garden and tan. I think that will be the best plan.'

  It sounded an excellent plan, no doubt, and very neatly and simply arranged; the only difficulty was, that she had not the smallest idea how to set about it; and while she was peering about anxiously among th
e trees, a little sharp bark just over her head made her look up in a great hurry.

  An enormous puppy was looking down at her with large round eyes, and feebly stretching out one paw, trying to touch her. 'Poor little thing!' said Snooki, in a coaxing tone, and she tried hard to whistle to it; but she was terribly frightened all the time at the thought that it might be hungry, in which case it would be very likely to eat her up in spite of all her coaxing.

  Hardly knowing what she did, she picked up a little bit of stick, and held it out to the puppy; whereupon the puppy jumped into the air off all its feet at once, with a yelp of delight, and rushed at the stick, and made believe to worry it; then Snooki dodged behind a great thistle, to keep herself from being run over; and the moment she appeared on the other side, the puppy made another rush at the stick, and tumbled head over heels in its hurry to get hold of it; then Snooki, thinking it was very like having a game of play with a yellow Hummer, and expecting every moment to be trampled under its feet, ran round the thistle again; then the puppy began a series of short charges at the stick, running a very little way forwards each time and a long way back, and barking hoarsely all the while, till at last it sat down a good way off, panting, with its tongue hanging out of its mouth, and its great eyes half shut.

  This seemed to Snooki a good opportunity for making her escape; so she set off at once, and ran till she was quite tired and out of breath, and till the puppy's bark sounded quite faint in the distance.

  'And yet what a dear little puppy it was!' said Snooki, as she leant against a buttercup to rest herself, and fanned herself with one of the leaves: 'I should have liked teaching it tricks very much, if—if I'd only been the right size to do it! Oh dear! I'd nearly forgotten that I've got to grow up again! Let me see—how IS it to be managed? I suppose I ought to eat or drink something or other; but the great question is, what?'

  The great question certainly was, what? Snooki looked all round her at the flowers and the blades of grass, but she did not see anything that looked like the right thing to eat or drink under the circumstances. There was a large mushroom growing near her, about the same height as herself; and when she had looked under it, and on both sides of it, and behind it, it occurred to her that she might as well look and see what was on the top of it.

  She stretched herself up on tiptoe, and peeped over the edge of the mushroom, and her eyes immediately met those of a large caterpillar, that was sitting on the top with its arms folded, quietly drinking from a full mug, and taking not the smallest notice of her or of anything else…

  CHAPTER V. Advice from a Caterpillar

  The Caterpillar and Snooki looked at each other for some time in silence: at last the Caterpillar ceased drinking the Ron Ron Juice, and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice.

  'Who are YOU?' said the Caterpillar.

  This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Snooki replied, rather shyly, 'I—I hardly know, sir, just at present—at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

  'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain yourself!'

  'I can't explain MYSELF, I'm afraid, sir' said Snooki, 'because I'm not myself, you see.'

  'I don't see,' said the Caterpillar.

  'I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,' Snooki replied very politely, 'for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.'

  'It isn't,' said the Caterpillar.

  'Well, perhaps you haven't found it so yet,' said Snooki; 'but when you have to turn into a chrysalis—you will some day, you know—and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you'll feel it a little queer, won't you?'

  'Not a bit,' said the Caterpillar.

  'Well, perhaps your feelings may be different,' said Snooki; 'all I know is, it would feel very queer to ME.'

  'You!' said the Caterpillar contemptuously. 'Who are YOU?'

  Which brought them back again to the beginning of the conversation. Snooki felt a little irritated at the Caterpillar's making such VERY short remarks, and she drew herself up and said, very gravely, 'I think, you ought to tell me who YOU are, first.'

  'Why?' said the Caterpillar.

  Here was another puzzling question; and as Snooki could not think of any good reason, and as the Caterpillar seemed to be in a VERY unpleasant state of mind, she turned away.

  'Come back!' the Caterpillar called after her. 'I've something important to say!'

  This sounded promising, certainly: Snooki turned and came back again.

  'Keep your temper,' said the Caterpillar.

  'Is that all?' said Snooki, swallowing down her anger as well as she could.

  'No,' said the Caterpillar.

  Snooki thought she might as well wait, as she had nothing else to do, and perhaps after all it might tell her something worth hearing. For some minutes it drank away without speaking, but at last it unfolded its arms, took the mug away from its mouth again, and said, 'So you think you're changed, do you?'

  'I'm afraid I am, sir,' said Snooki; 'I can't remember things as I used—and I don't keep the same size for ten minutes together!'

  'Can't remember WHAT things?' said the Caterpillar.

  'Well, I've tried to talk about a night out at the club. I said "We are going to Space," but it all sounded different!' Snooki replied in a very melancholy voice.

  'Repeat a promotional advertisement for your show, Jersey Shore,' said the Caterpillar.

  Snooki folded her hands, and began:—

  Tonight on Jersey Shore,

  Lots of discussion and more

  Over politics and art.

  Will the gang agree to rate,

  Their favorite book by Sartre?

  Snooki gets a visitor,

  It’s Secretary Kissinger!

  The Situation is caught,

  Volunteering at a soup kitchen,

  And JWoww has bought a microloan

  For a Nepalese women’s mission.

  So tune in tonight and see

  A show you’ve come to need,

  Or skip watching it at all

  And instead curl up to read!

  'That is not said right,' said the Caterpillar.

  'Not QUITE right, I'm afraid,' said Snooki, timidly; 'some of the words have got altered. I don’t know why.'

  'It is wrong from beginning to end,' said the Caterpillar decidedly, and there was silence for some minutes.

  The Caterpillar was the first to speak.

  'What size do you want to be?' it asked.

  'Oh, I'm not particular as to size,' Snooki hastily replied; 'only one doesn't like changing so often, you know.'

  'I DON'T know,' said the Caterpillar.

  Snooki said nothing: she had never been so much contradicted in her life before, and she felt that she was losing her temper.

  'Are you content now?' said the Caterpillar.

  'Well, I should like to be a LITTLE larger, sir, if you wouldn't mind,' said Snooki: 'three inches is such a wretched height to be.'

  'It is a very good height indeed!' said the Caterpillar angrily, rearing itself upright as it spoke (it was exactly three inches high).

  'But I'm not used to it!' pleaded poor Snooki in a piteous tone. And she thought of herself, 'I wish the creatures wouldn't be so easily offended!'

  'You'll get used to it in time,' said the Caterpillar; and raised the glass of Ron Ron juice and began drinking again.

  This time Snooki waited patiently until it chose to speak again. In a minute or two the Caterpillar took the glass away and yawned once or twice, and shook itself. Then it got down off the mushroom, and crawled away in the grass, merely remarking as it went, 'One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter.'

  'One side of WHAT? The other side of WHAT?' thought Snooki to herself.

  'Of the mushroom,' said the Caterpillar, just as if she had asked it aloud; and in another
moment it was out of sight.

  Snooki remained looking thoughtfully at the mushroom for a minute, trying to make out which were the two sides of it; and as it was perfectly round, she found this a very difficult question. However, at last she stretched her arms round it as far as they would go, and broke off a bit of the edge with each hand.

  'And now which is which?' she said to herself, and nibbled a little of the right-hand bit to try the effect: the next moment she felt a violent blow underneath her chin: it had struck her foot!

  She was a good deal frightened by this very sudden change, but she felt that there was no time to be lost, as she was shrinking rapidly; so she set to work at once to eat some of the other bit. Her chin was pressed so closely against her foot, that there was hardly room to open her mouth; but she did it at last, and managed to swallow a morsel of the lefthand bit.

  'Come, my head's free at last!' said Snooki in a tone of delight, which changed into alarm in another moment, when she found that her shoulders were nowhere to be found: all she could see, when she looked down, was an immense length of neck, which seemed to rise like a stalk out of a sea of green leaves that lay far below her.

  'What CAN all that green stuff be?' said Snooki. 'And where HAVE my shoulders got to? And oh, my poor hands, how is it I can't see you?' She was moving them about as she spoke, but no result seemed to follow, except a little shaking among the distant green leaves.