Paradise Syndrome

by Louise Hall

  Cate stood up and still carrying Sierra walked into the bathroom. “Angel,” Kian followed her, “what’s that on your back?”

  Cate laughed, “I forgot to use a towel when I was winding this little one. I need to clean up.”

  “Come here,” Kian smirked. He rinsed a flannel in warm water and gently cleaned his wife’s back.

  “I bet I look so sexy right now,” Cate teased, “with baby goo running all down my back.”

  Kian dried her skin with a towel, “you always…” He kissed the pulse point on her neck, “look sexy to me, you know that.”

  After a delicious dinner, which Jean had kindly prepared, she and Irene left Cate, Kian and the children to settle back into their home.

  While Kian and the children curled up in front of the blazing log fire to watch a movie, Cate snuck upstairs to e-mail Abby to make sure that everything was OK back in Seattle. They’d started 33 Rocks together and Cate felt guilty that she’d left so soon after the benefit, leaving Abby to deal with the aftermath.

  “Is everything OK?” Kian asked, placing a hand on her shoulder.

  “I think so,” Cate switched off her laptop. She shook her head, trying to get rid of any lingering doubts. Logically, she knew that Abby was more than capable of looking after 33 Rocks by herself for the next few weeks while Cate was in England – they didn’t have much planned over the holidays anyway – but she couldn’t help feeling like she’d let Abby and the charity down somehow. Then she felt guilty for not wanting to spend time with her family.

  Ugh, she really needed to go for a run – it was one of the best ways she’d found of coping with her depression. When she looked out of the bedroom window, it was already pitch-black and the snow was still coming down thick and fast.

  Cate settled Sierra down in the cot they’d used for both Lola and Mateo and then went to check on her son. When she walked into the bedroom, she was startled to find Mateo kneeling on the windowsill. He must have dragged his toy box to underneath the window so he could climb up there. He had his little hands pressed firmly against the glass. “Boat!”

  “Mats, what are you doing?” Cate scooped him up and gave him a cuddle.

  She sat down on the bed but his little body flailed in her arms, frantically kicking his legs as he tried to wriggle free. “Boat!”

  “What is it, sweetheart?” Cate looked around for his toy ferry boat but she couldn’t see it anywhere. A horrible thought crossed her mind; surely they hadn’t left his toy boat on the plane?

  He was crying so hard, Cate worried that he was going to make himself sick. She heard a loud wailing coming from the nursery and her stomach plummeted; he’d woken up Sierra.

  Lola appeared at the doorway, “it’s too loud, I can’t sleep.”

  “Go back to bed, sweetheart,” Cate sighed. “I’ll take Mats and Sierra into our bedroom.”

  Cate had just put Mateo down on the bed when Kian came out of the shower. “What’s going on?” he asked, rubbing a towel across his bare chest.

  “I think we might have left his B O A T on the plane,” Cate sighed; the jetlag was really starting to kick in.

  She went into the nursery and tried to comfort her youngest daughter. “I know,” Cate cooed, gently rubbing her back as she swayed, praying that she would soon settle down. Unfortunately, Cate’s prediction just after she was born that she was going to be a feisty little thing had turned out to be correct. Sierra was absolutely determined that she wasn’t going to go back to sleep. Cate took her back into the bedroom, thinking that at least it was sound-proofed so they wouldn’t keep Lola awake. Three cranky children was more than she could deal with.

  When she went back into the bedroom, Kian was lying on the bed with Mateo and they were watching clips of Seattle ferry boats on YouTube. “Want to go home,” Mateo whimpered, his chubby little fingers stabbing at the screen.

  Cate sagged down next to them on the mattress, gently rocking Sierra. “When we get home,” she sighed, “I’m going to buy twenty of those B O A T S so we’ve always got a spare.”

  Mateo’s eyes were drooping so Kian went to settle him back in his own bed. Cate got up and walked Sierra back to the nursery but as soon as she placed her down in the cot, she began to wail again. “Please, baby girl,” Cate bent over the bars of the cot; she was so exhausted. “Mummy needs some sleep.”

  If she left her to cry, she was going to wake up Lola and Mateo again. Cate wanted to cry herself, she was so tired. She picked up Sierra once more and carried her back to the bedroom. “She just won’t settle,” Cate shrugged helplessly when Kian raised his eyebrows. Cate set up the portable cot at the side of the bed and laid Sierra down in there. She’d been fed and had her nappy changed; she was probably just grumpy because of all the travelling. Their families had made such a fuss over her this evening.

  Cate flopped face-first on top of the duvet, trying to ignore the high-pitched wailing.

  Kian shifted restlessly next to her. “Why don’t you go and sleep in the guest room?” Cate suggested wearily. When they’d found out that Kian was coming back to England for the holidays, Sky had asked if he would be one of their studio guests for Rovers home game against Doncaster Rovers. Manchester Rovers had been relegated from the Premier League at the end of last season. Tomorrow would be the first time Kian would be back at his beloved Rovers Stadium since he was sold by the club back in January.

  CHAPTER 29

  The next morning when Kian walked into the bedroom, his wife was fast asleep upside down on the bed, her bare feet propped up on the pillows. Her arm was stretched uncomfortably across the portable cot at the side of the bed, her house keys dangling from her fingers. Sierra was awake but thankfully she wasn’t crying; she was mesmerised by the morning sunlight playing off the metal keys.

  “Angel,” Kian sat down and brushed Cate’s tangled hair away from her face.

  “What time is it?” Cate asked groggily, wiping the back of her mouth.

  Kian checked his watch; he had to leave for the stadium soon.

  “Liv texted; they’ve found Mateo’s ferry boat and they’ll bring it with them.”

  “That’s good,” Cate winced, rubbing the crick in her neck. “It’s one less thing to worry about.”

  Cate sat up so she had her back against the mound of pillows, tied her inky-black hair up into a loose ponytail and massaged her heavy, aching breast. Without the keys to distract her, Sierra began to cry again. “Ugh,” Cate sighed, closing her eyes. Kian wondered if she’d managed to get any sleep at all, there were dark shadows under her eyes. He felt guilty that he’d slept so comfortably in the other bedroom the previous night. “Can you do me a favour and pick her up?”

  While Kian lifted Sierra up out of the cot, Cate took off her t-shirt exposing her milk-engorged breasts.

  “Angel,” Kian said softly, “try and express today and then I can feed her tonight. You need to sleep.”

  “I’ll try,” Cate could barely keep her eyes open, “but she doesn’t like the bottle, you know that.”

  Kian checked his watch again; if he didn’t leave now, he was going to be late. “Wait,” Cate said as he reached the bedroom door, “are you going to be OK today, you know going back…?” She knew it wouldn’t be easy for him going back to Rovers Stadium; it had been such a wrench for him when he’d been forced to leave the club he and his family had supported.

  Kian half-smiled, “I’ll be fine, angel. I’ll see you tonight.”

  Later that morning, they walked across the courtyard to Ben and Erin’s house. Ben and the children were going to watch the Rovers match on TV while Cate and Erin caught up on all the gossip.

  As she and Erin walked into the kitchen, Cate heard a soft whimper and when she looked down, Monty was curled up in his bed, wrapped up in a red fleece blanket. “What is it, sweetheart?” As she knelt down to take a closer look, she was shocked by how thin he was. His soulful black eyes looked huge. When she patted his head, she could feel the bony contours of his sku
ll. She almost didn’t recognise him as Monty.

  “We were going to wait until after Christmas…” Erin shook her head, “I think we were wrong. He’s in pain…”

  They both looked again at poor Monty. “Call the vets,” Cate urged Erin.

  While Erin was on the phone, the kitchen door swung open. “Mum…?”

  Lola knelt down next to Cate at Monty’s side. “What’s the matter with Monty?”

  “He’s…” Cate had a huge lump at the back of her throat. She stroked his gentle paw. “He’s not feeling very well, sweetheart. Auntie Erin and I are going to take him to the vets. Can you go back in the lounge with Uncle Ben?”

  “I want to come with you,” Lola kissed the top of Monty’s head. His eyes half-closed in acknowledgement. “Please.”

  Cate really didn’t know what to do for the best. “OK,” she said finally. They slowly carried Monty’s bed outside and settled him in the back of Kian’s Range Rover. Erin sat in the back with him while Lola sat in the front with Cate.

  “I think it’s time,” the vet said kindly after he’d examined Monty. “Would you like to stay with him?”

  Erin clasped her hand to her mouth, “I can’t, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”

  “I can stay with him,” Cate offered. “Would you like me to?”

  “Are you sure?” Erin was so grateful.

  Cate turned to Lola, “why don’t you go and sit in the waiting room with Auntie Erin?”

  “I want to stay with Monty,” Lola said firmly, “please, Mum.”

  After Erin had left, Cate wanted to make sure that Lola knew what was going to happen. “Sweetheart, this isn’t like when Jimmy hurt his leg…” She gulped. “Monty is very poorly and unfortunately, he isn’t going to get better.” She glanced across at the poor, almost emaciated dog lying still on the examining table. His beautiful black eyes were half-closed. Her heart felt like it was being torn right down the centre. “He’s in a lot of pain right now.”

  “I know,” Lola said quietly. She gently stroked Monty’s soft paw. She surprised Cate by reaching out with her other hand and slipping it inside Cate’s. “Please let me stay, Mum. I want to be here for him and for you.”

  “Sweetheart,” Cate’s voice cracked. “You don’t need to worry about me.”

  “I want to be here for Monty then,” Lola begged. “Please, Mum.”

  “OK,” Cate acquiesced. She squeezed Lola’s hand, “but I want you to promise me that if at any moment, you feel like it’s too much for you, that you’ll go and sit with Auntie Erin in the waiting room.”

  “I promise,” Lola said solemnly.

  Monty didn’t even flinch as the vet gave him the injection. As his eyes slowly closed, Cate kissed the top of his head, staining his silky fur with her tears. “You were there for me when I needed you the most,” Cate murmured, “I’m not going anywhere.” When she’d been at her most desolate, rain-soaked and barefoot, slumped in the hallway at Ben and Erin’s house the night of Eamon’s funeral, Monty hadn’t left her side, even when she’d tried her best to shoo him away.

  Lola rested her head against his side, “it’s OK, Monty, Grandpa Eamon will look after you.”

  When the vet came back to examine Monty; Cate hugged Lola tightly. “I’m so unbelievably proud of you sweetheart, you were so brave just now.”

  The vet confirmed that Monty had passed away. He reverently covered the small, lifeless body with the red fleece blanket Monty had been wrapped in and Erin came back into the room, looking almost translucently pale. Cate and Lola both squeezed her hands. When the vet asked Erin what she wanted to do with the body, she said that she wanted him to be cremated. She planned to spread the ashes in the back garden, where Monty had been at his happiest. The vet said that he would make the arrangements and they could pick them up after New Year.

  “Thank you for staying with him,” Erin croaked as they walked down the stone steps at the front of the surgery. She could hardly see; her eyes were so full with tears. “I didn’t want him to be alone but I just… I couldn’t do it.”

  “It’s OK,” Cate hugged Erin. “I understand.”

  “Tell me he wasn’t in pain…” Erin asked, her eyes wide with fear. “Please.”

  “He wasn’t,” Lola shook her head. “I told him that Grandpa Eamon would look after him.”

  When they got back to Ben and Erin’s house, the match had almost finished. Erin said that she was going to go upstairs for a lie down. “Can you ask Uncle Ben to come in the kitchen?” Cate asked Lola. She got a plastic bag and started packing away Monty’s belongings; she was going to put them in the garage so Ben and Erin could decide what they wanted to do with them.

  “He’s gone?” Ben asked croakily.

  Cate nodded, “Erin’s upstairs. She needs you. I’ll finish packing this lot up and then I’ll take Oliver back with me; he can have a sleepover with Mateo.”

  “Thanks,” Ben nodded. While she finished packing up, Cate was overwhelmed with her own memories of Monty; he’d been a part of their family since she was a teenager. She thought about when she’d been housesitting for Ben and Erin while they were on honeymoon in Thailand and Monty had barked so furiously one night, she’d felt sure that there must be a burglar downstairs but it had just been a small, rather terrified-looking grey mouse in the middle of the kitchen floor. In her haste to get rid of the mouse, she’d set off the burglar alarm and Kian had had to come over and switch it off for her. He’d stayed over that night, sleeping on the uncomfortable sofa in the lounge just to make sure that Cate and Monty were OK.

  When Kian got home that night, at first he couldn’t find Cate. After the match, he’d gone out for a drink with one of the other pundits. He checked the nursery but Sierra was asleep in her crib – hopefully last night had just been first night home blues?

  He heard the shower running in one of the guest bathrooms and pushed open the door. Cate was sat naked on the floor of the bath with her knees pulled up to her chest. Her slender shoulders were racked with sobs.

  “Angel?” Panicked, Kian jumped into the shower fully clothed, not giving a fuck if he ruined his suit. “What’s wrong?”

  Cate’s battle with prenatal depression had scared the crap out of him. It was his job as Cate’s husband to protect her but just how was he supposed to do that? While she’d been trying to work out how many rocks she needed to fill her pockets with to drown herself in Puget Sound, he’d had no idea of how desperately she was feeling. They’d been living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed every night and he’d had no fucking idea... Of course, he’d known that she wasn’t happy but how could you tell if someone was just unhappy or if they were clinically depressed? How could he fight an enemy that he couldn’t see?

  “Monty…” Cate choked. “He had to be put to sleep today.”

  Kian switched off the spray and lifted Cate up on to his lap. Was it wrong to be relieved that the reason Cate was so upset was because she was grieving for Monty instead of it being a relapse of her depression?

  After Cate explained what had happened, she noticed he had a tiny frown in the shape of a v between his eyebrows. “What is it?”

  “I don’t know,” Kian shook his head. “I feel like I’m questioning myself all the time. When I left this morning, you were exhausted…”

  “I’d been up all night with Sierra…”

  “I know but…” Kian dragged his fingers through his damp hair. “I worry about you. What if it’s not just that?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “When you were pregnant with Sierra, I didn’t know that you were depressed. I knew you were unhappy but… I feel so fucking powerless, Cate. I’m your husband, it’s my job to protect you but how do I do that? I didn’t see it the first time. How will I know if it comes back?”

  Cate took his face in her hands, “I’ll tell you. It’s not as simple as A + B = C. Before you came home, I was sat here and I was trying to work out whether I was just sad because Mo
nty died or whether it was something else. I don’t have all the answers. My depression was triggered by my pregnancy – I’ve had the baby now so my hormones are beginning to settle down again and we’ve decided that we’re not going to have any more children. I can’t say for certain that my depression won’t come back – that’s why I go and see my therapist every week and why I’ve taken up running - but I’m hopeful.”

  Kian shrugged off his soaked jacket and tossed it on the bathroom floor. He rolled up his shirt sleeves to just below his elbows showing off his incredibly sexy forearms. “I need to touch you,” Kian said huskily, stroking his wife’s hip. Smoke curled languidly across his black eyes. Cate shifted restlessly; she could feel him beginning to thicken against her thigh.

  He palmed her slippery breast, drawing his fingers slowly out to her peaked nipple. Cate needed to feel him; she tore at the front of his shirt, running her fingers over the bumps and dips of his hard muscles. As he slid his other hand up her trembling inner thigh, he chuckled. “What are you laughing at?” Cate yelped.

  He couldn’t click his fingers and fix his wife’s depression but he could do this. He parted the lips of her pussy; her flesh was already slick and tender. Kian circled her throbbing clit with his thumb before pushing two fingers deep inside her. “Mm,” Cate cried, her head falling back. Kian took her breast inside the wet heat of his mouth and grazed her soft skin with his teeth. She clenched so tightly around his fingers; her juices trickling down his wrist.

  Cate slid her hand down his damp chest, trailing her fingers through the soft hair underneath his belly button. She dipped her fingers inside his trousers, already feeling the tip of his cock straining for her touch. “What are you doing?” Kian grunted, as she unzipped his fly.

  “What does it look like?” Cate said sassily. She wrapped her fingers around his thick shaft.

  “Fuck,” Kian cursed, “I’ve left the condoms in the bedroom.”

  Cate gave him a womanly smile, “then we’ll have to be inventive.”