Growing Up Strong

by Patesel, Adela

  “It was the day after grandma’s funeral. There was a school party.” Evidently no one thought I would show up and now I wish I hadn’t.

  Mrs. Parker looked at me quizzically for a while then asked “you have yet to confront either one of them I assume?”

  “I am too mad to think clearly when I am around them. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt but…every time I see them I feel like I was lied to all over again. Kim may have been my best friend since forever but Felix was….I don’t exactly know what he was but he was special. I loved him enough to share things with him. Things I can’t ever get back. I am not sure how to deal with it.” I began to cry.

  Mrs. Parker was quiet for a few minutes then said “Thank you for sharing that with me Beth.”

  “How can you say you love someone and then destroy them like that? I just don’t get it.” I said in between sobs.

  Mrs. Parker came to sit beside me and wraps me in a hug. We sat in silence for a few minutes before the intercom beeps. She walks over to it and tells her receptionist that she will be a few more minutes.

  “Beth this is the hard part. Ignoring it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. You need to confront them. Maybe what you think you saw wasn’t really what happened.” Maybe but if it is I really don’t think I can handle that right now.

  “I don’t think I am strong enough for that right now.”

  “You are stronger than you think.”

  Chapter 11

  Felix

  Angel: I could use some skittles right about now.

  Me: Is that so. I could be there in 10 minutes with a year’s supply.

  My little addict’s choice was skittles. I remembered every year during valentine’s she would give away all her candy except the skittles. That she would hoard all to herself.

  The first time I meet Angel’s grandma I realized she was a pretty straight shooter. She would call you out no matter how embarrassed it would make you feel. I was really thankful for that. Her no-nonsense attitude is what gave me the insight as to Angel’s reluctance to date me.

  Knowing that she was interested but scared gave me the will power to keep showing her that she was not a game to me.

  ***

  I watched Angel and her grandma walk into the theater. Her grandma chuckled and I think I heard “well, well child” but I wasn’t quite sure. I was lost in my own world that I hadn’t noticed someone standing beside me. Not bothering to look who it was I just kept my eyes on Angel until the door closed behind her shielding my view.

  “Damn, she’s hot. Who was that?” Andrew my co-worker asked. It took all my self control to not knock the shit out of him. He was a cool guy and I really didn’t have any problems with him but hearing him ask about Angel lit my short fuse. I turned and walked away before I did something I might regret.

  “Hey dude. What’s up?”

  Not bothering to turn around as I said “she is someone you need to stay the hell away from. I’m taking my break.” I walked to the back of the theater and found my way outside. Taking several deep long breaths I stalked the length of the building.

  Damn, she is either going to be my savior or be the death of me but I couldn’t wait to find out.

  ***

  Beth

  I went home after that session and went straight to bed. I couldn’t sleep so I just watched the stars on my ceiling. Several years ago grandma and I found these lights that twinkle you can hang. They look just like stars. Some burn brighter than the others. It is quite beautiful and mesmerizing. At midnight my phone beeped:

  Boyfriend: I miss you Lizzy.

  Somehow I found the strength to take a step forward. It wasn’t right for me to lead him on if we were over. We needed to talk and get this over with.

  Me: Can we talk?

  Boyfriend: Yes, open your window.

  Surprised I walked over to my window and sure enough there he was standing next to the large oak tree outside by the side of my house. I opened the latch and walked back to my bed. Once he climbed in, he stood by the window unmoving. We just watched each other; willing the other person to speak first. The only light in my room is from the stars.

  Here we had our perfect bubble; our own little world. The last time he was in my room we were perfectly in love. There was no deceit, only trust. There was no speculation of what our next move would be. We would be in each others arms.

  “I have to ask you something and I am not sure I want the truth but I can’t keep this inside anymore.” I rushed out.

  He tilted his head “Angel you can ask me anything. I will never lie to you.”

  “First I guess it’s sort of a confession on my part. I showed up at Gabe’s party a few weeks ago.” I watched his reaction that gave nothing away. Then I waited for a response.

  “I never saw you. Kim and I stayed for a few hours hoping you would show.” Ok so he admitted to be there with Kim.

  “You were with Kim at the party?” I asked trying to find the courage to ask him without having to really ask.

  “I didn’t take her if that is what you are asking. When I got there I met with Gabe and a few others from the football team. I saw Kim talking with Natasha and asked to speak with her. We walked off to the corner so I could ask her if she heard from you. Since it had been three weeks since either one of us had been able to talk to you, we were worried. We kept talking about what we could do to get you to talk to us.”

  “Felix, you both looked pretty chummy. Did you mess around with Kim or not.”

  He walked over to my bed and kneeled in front of me. “Lizzy, I would never treat you that way. I would never take for granted what we have. No, I never kissed, hooked up with, made any inappropriate advances toward your best friend or anyone else.”

  I felt my shoulders relax some. “You had your hands on her hip.”

  “Angel it was loud, I leaned in close to talk to her but I kept my distance. I swear nothing happen. Is this why you haven’t been talking to either one of us?”

  “Maybe?”

  “Please don’t do this to us. I love you angel. I want to share everything with you and you only.”

  He wipes the tears from my eyes and kisses me. “I love you too. I was just scared. My life was falling apart Felix and it seemed fitting that would include you.”

  We lay under my covers talking about how things were going with Mrs. Parker for a few hours. I told him that she now knows about the theater incident with grandma.

  He asks “Have you talked about the accident yet?”

  “Not yet. She understands that I am not ready yet. But I think I could be ready soon.”

  “Angel, I think you need to talk about it. There were so many things out of your control that day. You know Elizabeth wouldn’t want you to carry the blame.”

  I wasn’t ready to talk about it with Mrs. Parker and I was sure I wasn’t ready to talk about it with Felix so I kissed him. One thing lead to another and after a heavy make out session I put the brakes on. It was now four in the morning and he was sound asleep.

  I felt better at where we were as a couple. Now I just needed to talk to Kim. I know shutting both of them out was the wrong thing to do but fear does strange things to you.

  Felix’s phone beeps. I reach over him to grab it off the night stand.

  Chapter 12

  Felix

  Thank God she let me in. This freeze out was talking it toll on me.

  Cherry chapstick. My favorite flavor. I missed the taste of that. Not that I came here looking for it but that still didn’t stop the fact that it was pretty hot. She stopped us from going too far even thought we have been much further but I respect her not to push it.

  I know she only kissed me because she didn’t want to hear what I had to say. It’s a topic that can’t be avoided forever.

  I closed my eyes. I heard my phone buzz on her night stand. I knew she would reach for it like she had done so many times before so I just pretended to be asleep. As predicted she reached over to grab f
or it and I could feel the length of her body pressed up to mine.

  She took a deep breath and reached back over. So what if it was kind of a perv move. I missed holding my girl and I definitely missed the way her body felt against mine.

  ***

  Beth

  What the hell. I took a deep breath when I read the name.

  Kim: Where you able to talk to her?

  I put his phone back and grabbed mine; wondering why she was texting my boyfriend at four am.

  Me: Yes he is here and we talked. Can you come over for lunch tomorrow?

  BFF: Of course. IDK what time I can be there but I will definitely come. I am so glad you two talked. Felix has been going crazy.

  Me: Good night

  BFF: Good night Lizzy.

  “Babe, you need get up and get going.” No more holding back I am fighting for what is mine. He woke immediately. I wondered if he was even sleeping. “Why is Kim texting you at four in the morning?”

  He rubbed his hands over his eyes. Sleepily he said “we were at Natasha’s birthday party and I didn’t feel like being there. I told her and Gabe I was coming over here to see if you would talk to me. I told her I would text her if I could somehow get you to talk to me. I must have forgotten.”

  He smiled and wrapped me in his arms “anyhow, I haven’t spent any time with you in the past five weeks and you already are kicking me out. What the hell is that all about?” Felix buried his head in my neck “tell you what I will run home shower and change. But I will be back at 8 and I am taking you to breakfast.” He smiles and pulls me on top of him. “I love you Lizzy. Thank you for talking to me; even if you did kiss me to shut me up.”

  “I love you too, but you need to go before my parents wake up.” He slowly gets up, walks over to the window and watched me for a minute.

  “I’ve got you, you know that right? I know what it’s like to lose someone you love and feel absolutely fucking helpless without them. I couldn’t do it alone and you shouldn’t either. But we can do this thing together; if you let me. If you let us…We could.”

  I nodded and gave him a smile. A real one this time, because I knew it was true. We could do this together. Once I heard the window close I fell back to a peaceful sleep.

  Chapter 13

  Beth

  I was lying on top of the blanket we set up next to the big pecan tree. “Grandma, do you believe you can find your true love in high school?” I asked as I watched her enjoy the small picnic basket we brought. Today was amazingly warm and comfortable; perfect picnic weather.

  “I do. You just have to keep your eyes open. I met your grandpa when we were just twelve; loved him just as long.”

  “How did you know he was the one for you?”

  “If you love someone completely you learn to love the changes that take place within them and help them overcome what they can’t do on their own. Your grandpa did that for me.”

  “I wasn’t a happy person when I first met him, but he didn’t care. He said he saw the good that was inside of me. When I finally learned to love myself and overcome the challenges I put in my own way he still loved me.”

  The wind started to pick up and the clouds started to turn grey so we decided to pack up and head back to the retirement home. My phone beeped with a text from Felix:

  Boyfriend: I wanted you to know once again….I love you and thank you for last night. ;)

  Me: I don’t think I will ever tire of hearing that.

  Boyfriend: Good because I plan on saying it every day.

  Me: Yes please

  Boyfriend: I know I just snuck out your window a few hours ago but I already miss you.

  Me: I miss you too. Is it to much to ask you to come by tonight?

  Boyfriend: Angel I was hoping you would ask.

  Me: Gotta go. Taking Grandma back to the retirement home.

  Boyfriend: Be safe

  “That smile of yours gives you away you know” grandma said. “I take it that was Felix.”

  I nodded.

  The first drizzle of rain started as we reached the car. Grandma hurried in while I placed the basket and blanket in the trunk. She looked out at the clouds through the windshield “today was suppose to be clear. Those damn weather folks don’t know the first thing about Texas weather.”

  I laughed “are you ready to head back? We could do something else if you like.”

  “No that’s ok I am feeling kind of tired. Take me home child. These bones need to rest.” She laid her head back and turned toward me with her eyes closed. She let out a sigh.

  Lately grandma had been sleeping more. She was rapidly losing weight and stopped her painting classes. I still had a few more months I kept telling myself. Not willing to believe that she was dying right in front of my eyes. I turned to look out the driver’s side window to wipe the tears that had moistened my eyes. Grandma cold frail hand reached out to touch mine. “Is there something bothering you?”

  I shake my head no.

  “Let’s head back.” I started the car, grabbed my IPOD and hooked it up. I found grandma’s new favorite song Wings by Little Mix and hit repeat. As the first words left the speakers a small smile played across her lips.

  When she first heard this song she had told me “child these are words to live by.”

  By the time we reached the park’s exit it was pouring. Luckily the retirement home was only ten minutes away. The clouds had turned an eerily dark grey, almost black.

  We heard a loud pop, the car started to slide as I took my foot off the gas. Grandma grabbed onto the arm rest with her left hand and with her right hand she braced herself on the handle by the passenger window. Once I was able to get the car under control, I pulled onto the shoulder. We took a calming breath, looked at each other and smiled.

  Her smile faltered as she reached for her chest clutching it with both hands. “Are you ok?” She shook her head. I reached for phone readily dialing 911, when I heard tires screeching. The next thing I knew we were being thrust forward to the edge of the bridge. The impact had caused me to hit my face on the steering wheel. Blood was trickling down my cheeks.

  Everything was happening in slow motion. I called for grandma but she wouldn’t answer. The blood was running in my eyes making it hard to clearly see anything in front of me. A slow panic began to crawl up when I started to feel dizzy. I needed to make sure grandma was okay. I tried to reach for her hand but nothing was there. I could feel something wet falling on me. Then nothing.

  I woke up days later with some bruised ribs and stitches above my left eye and at my hairline.

  From the news reports that night I was told the lady driving the car that slammed into us had just found her husband cheating when she flew out of his office. Her car hit the debris from the tire that I had just blown. When she swerved to miss it she lost control of her car and in her panic she pressed the gas instead of the brakes.

  The guardrail shattered the windshield and grandma hit her head on the dashboard and that knocked her out. A week later she had a massive heart attack and died. The doctors said that the day of the accident she had a mild attack.

  ***

  I woke with tears running down my face. Normally panic seized me. This time only it felt different. Before I would wake up barely able to catch a breath, struggling to make sense of what was real and what was a nightmare. This time I knew she wasn’t here and I was slowly becoming aware that life was still moving forward.

  Chapter 14

  Felix

  I sat on Angel’s bed watching her sleep. I saw the first tear slide down her cheek, a small whimper escaped her lips as she whispered goodbye. I can only assume she was dreaming about her grandma again. I reached down to wipe her tears.

  As she opened her eyes I could see the surprise. “I’m here for breakfast. Your dad let me up.”

  She smiled “Last night I asked Kim to drop by.”

  I know she needed to get her life back but I was really starting to hate Kim right now. I just got
her back and now I have to share? Hell no not happening. Kim could wait. It was my time to get my girl back to the person she was before. In the meantime, Kim could sit on the sidelines and watch.

  “Ok I guess she can join us, if she must.”

  Angel laughed and said “how generous of you to offer but I was thinking of maybe having some private time with her. Girl Time.”

  “Can’t you have girl time later, much later? I missed you. I want to spend time with you.” Damn I sounded like chick.

  “You did last night. Plenty of quality time, might I add?”

  Oh, yeah I did, which brought a grin to my face and with that I leaned down to kiss her.

  “Damn I hate your friend.”

  Chapter 15

  Beth

  Mom and Dad were waiting in the kitchen as Felix and I may our way down stairs. I could smell the fresh coffee and something sweet baking. Mom handed me a blueberry muffin and some orange juice. She nodded toward the table behind us.

  I turned to find Kim was sitting at the kitchen table already eating. “Good Morning” she smiled brightly at me.

  Felix mumbled something that sounded like ‘you have got to be fucking kidding me.’ I was so low I couldn’t be sure.

  I sat down across from her, placed my napkin down before I saying “Good Morning to you too.”

  Felix kissed me on the cheek before he said “I am going to join your dad in the living room to watch the game.” Mom followed him out leaving me and Kim in the kitchen.

  “Thank you for inviting me.”

  She was wearing a letterman’s jacket even thought it wasn’t that cold outside.

  “Who’s jacket is that?” I asked. The last time I talked to her she wasn’t interested in anyone special. I was starting to feel like a shitty friend but then I remembered what I saw at the party. I needed answers. If she was my best friend she would know better than to flirt with my boyfriend or going behind my back to talk to him.

  A mile wide smile placed across her face. “Gabe’s” She seemed genuinely….. happy.

  I only knew of one Gabe but I had to ask for clarification. “Felix’s friend Gabe?”

  She nodded. Wow. Gabe…he was often referred to as Demon in training. I wonder if Felix knew they were together and why he didn’t bother telling me. “Wow, when did this happen?”