Did You Read That Review?: A Compilation of Amazon's Funniest Reviews

by Amazon Reviewers

  All of the dishes in this cookbook can be completely prepared in the microwave oven, saving the cook time, money, hassle, mess, and waste, so everything is prepared in the microwave in simple containers and without the oils and fats used in traditional sautéing, frying, and broiling.

  Inexperienced cooks will be delighted with these easy-to-follow recipes. Coquilles Saint Jacques, Chicken Parmesan, Eggs Florentine, Asparagus Soup, Chocolate Custard, and Peach Soufflé are all easier to prepare in the microwave. With almost 300 recipes, Microwave Cooking For One offers plenty of possibilities for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. And when you begin with a recipe for one, it’s easy to double or even triple a dish if you need more food to go around.

  Most Helpful Customer Reviews

  29 of 33 people found the following review helpful

  A good book, but with one major flaw

  By Abreo, January 31, 2012

  I have to admit that I used to be one of those people who spent every night alone, and if I was hungry I maybe threw something in the microwave (like ramen) in between episodes of Seinfeld, and that was my dinner. A friend of mine was starting to get worried about my behavior so she set me up with one of her friends, and after this didn’t work out so well she purchased this book for me. She said she’ll keep asking some of her other single friends if they’re interested in going on blind dates with me, but until then I can at least eat well. And boy have I been! Now I do own a stovetop, but it broke and to date remains unfixable so up until now I was completely unable to cook anything that tastes good. With the help of this book I can make roast, and really anything I want, in under half an hour. My cooking abilities have really skyrocketed and so has my positive outlook on life. After just a few weeks of using this, I became so much more enjoyable to be around that a cute girl at the supermarket noticed me and started up a conversation, and well, long story short, I told her that I know how to cook and invited her over for dinner tonight! That was an hour ago; she’ll be over here in another three, and I just realized that I made a terrible mistake. I only know how to cook for one…

  6 of 6 people found the following review helpful

  Help we all need

  By John C. Gerry “John nutz”, January 12, 2013

  There was a day when I still dreamed. Those days are dead. Believe we can do it. Believe we can do it together. In 90 seconds or less.

  461 of 501 people found the following review helpful

  A Cure for Lonliness

  By Kyle Kruczek, March 25, 2010

  Alone in my dark apartment, having worn my Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt as well for countless weeks, found this book to be my bible. I sit at my dining room table, playing World of Warcraft night after night, sobbing silently for want of notice by another human being. Pizza boxes piling up, Chinese food leftovers filling my fridge, I was beginning to run out of options. I recently lost my job as a Custodial Consultant for sniffing the ammonia in the utility closet. My funding for my gourmet meals from such world-renowned chefs as Boyardee and Uncle Ben had begun running low. Stumbling in a drunken daze through the local bookstore, my elbow carelessly knocked a book onto the floor as I turned a corner. As I peered down, I saw the title, Microwave Cooking for One. Curiously, I picked it up and decided to have a quick read. As I began flipping through the pages, I began to see that this was no ordinary cookbook. No, my friends, this was a book passed down from the gods themselves, displaying the infinite beauty of their messenger, Marie T. Smith, on the cover. I knew at that moment that this book would change my life. I purchased it with the last few dollars to my name and brought it home. Because of this book, I now eat like a king. Filet Mignon? Chicken Alfredo? Caviar? It’s all in there. Not only do you never need to buy another cookbook, there will never be a book so beautifully written ever again. From that point, I have divided my life into two different categories: life before Microwave Cooking for One and life after, much like the Old and New Testament. From this book I have made more friends than I can count, gained 30 pounds of rock hard muscle, and have a new job as VP of a major financial holdings company. This book worked for me, and I am sure it will work for you.

  4 of 5 people found the following review helpful

  The Gift that Keeps Giving

  By Now Ms. Independent, May 1, 2013

  It happened at a Christmas Eve party that one of my friends was throwing. In the middle of our merriment and much feasting on her homemade delicacies, we had a white elephant gift exchange. After dodging a weird banana slicer and a $25 gift card to Barnes & Noble (I mean, what even is that? It sounds like a cheap law firm), I ended up with a small rectangular box. I opened it and shrugged at the title that was printed on the book: Microwave Cooking for One. My ex-boyfriend that was across the circle jeered as he wrapped his arms around his new Korean girlfriend, who was wearing the completely wrong shade of lipstick, as she clutched onto the handmade Amish bonnet she had unwrapped. What she really needed was a new face, but hopefully the bonnet could at least attempt to hide her current one. The rest of the night was spent drinking and staying a safe distance from the mistletoe and the karaoke machine. When I left the next morning (apparently I wasn’t in the condition to drive home), I nearly forgot to take my book—and what a shame that would have been. Over the next few days, I avoided the book. Calling for pizza or Chinese takeout was just better—I mean, the Chinese takeout boy was kind of cute—but then that fateful Tuesday happened. My account was in the red. What was I going to eat? Was I going to starve? The answer, my fellow Amazon users, is that I did not. Somehow I remembered the book, Microwave Cooking for One. I flipped it open and made my first gourmet microwaved meal: Eggs Florentine. I don’t know what the hell Florentine means, but it was amazing, and as I was eating, I came to the amazing conclusion that, yes, I could make dinners for one. I didn’t have to waste my time at parties and dinners with friends or trying to find a man that would treat me to dinner or maybe even offer to split popcorn at the movie theater. I could be independent! I only needed myself, a microwave, and this miracle book. I was suddenly a new woman. Soon I was quitting my job, deciding to work from home, and only needing to leave when I needed more supplies for these 5-star recipes. I even started a blog about the joys of indoors and how microwaves aren’t harmful to your reproductive organs. Besides even if they are, hey, what do I care? This book is the only baby I need. I even got a Netflix account and started watching all the shows that I would have been too embarrassed to watch before—like Sister Wives and Extreme Couponing and Animal Hoarders. Not only did this product help me cook for one, but it helped me come to terms with who that “one” was. Thank you, Microwave Cooking for One. It has been about four months now, and I couldn’t be happier. Without you, I might still be going out and wasting money on drinks with friends or spending time with someone who wouldn’t enjoy my microwaved Peach Soufflé or having to use the phone to get food or, god forbid, worrying about things like makeup and personal hygiene. This product has truly changed my life.

  4 of 4 people found the following review helpful

  Don’t get carried away

  By M. Heiss, April 10, 2013

  Sure, through the miracle of microwave ovens, you *could* prepare EVERY dish on the cover of this cookbook all at once…But I caution you against doing so. See the glazed stare on the face of the Foxy Lady on the cover? It’s the Microwaves, man, the Microwaves. She tried to have 8 meals ready at once, and NOW look at her! Microwaves, I’m telling you. Can’t be too careful. Exercise restraint. Best plan:

  Cook.

  Eat.

  Pause.

  Cook again.

  Canned Unicorn Meat

  Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004CRYE2C

  3.8 out of 5 stars

  Name: Canned Unicorn Meat

  ASIN: B004CRYE2C

  Price: $12.99

  No foolin’—Unicorn meat is real! Excellent source of sparkles! Unicorns, as we all know, frolic all over the world, pooping rai
nbows and marshmallows wherever they go. What you don’t know is that when unicorns reach the end of their lifespan, they are drawn to County Meath, Ireland. The sisters at Radiant Farms have dedicated their lives to nursing these elegant creatures through their final days. Taking a cue from the Kobe beef industry, they massage each unicorn’s coat with Guinness daily and fatten them on a diet comprised entirely of candy corn. As the unicorn ages, its meat becomes fatty and marbled, and the living bone in the horn loses density in a process much like osteoporosis. The horn’s outer layer of keratin begins to develop a flavor very similar to candied almonds. Blending the crushed unicorn horn into the meat adds delightful, crispy flavor notes into each bite. We are confident you’ll find a world of bewilderment in every mouthful of scrumptious unicorn meat. Unfortunately, due to restrictions on the importation of mythical processed meatstuff, we are unable to bring you Canned Unicorn Meat in the way the sisters of Radiant Farms intended. When you open your can, you will find one tiny unicorn, which has been appropriately sliced into its main cuts of meat. Simply use your Growth Ray to re-embiggen the unicorn before skinning it and processing its flesh. Or if you’re lazy, just bring it to your local Mad Scientist-Butcher. He’ll know what to do.

  Most Helpful Customer Reviews

  18 of 20 people found the following review helpful

  Must be fake due to severe shortage of virgins

  By Mjolnir, July 9, 2013

  It has long been known that a unicorn can only be captured by a virgin (female) sitting alone under a tree in a forest. Due to the virtual nonexistence of adult virgins and strict child labor laws, this product clearly must be a fraud.

  1,218 of 1,233 people found the following review helpful

  It’s delicious, but…

  By Irma Gerd, May 10, 2013

  Do NOT eat too much of this stuff at once. I had the rainbow runs for a week. The entire complex smelled like hopes and dreams.

  1,209 of 1,311 people found the following review helpful

  The Agony of the Unicorns

  By V. Zhirinovsky “Vlad the Mad”, April 21, 2012

  Don’t order this product if you have a conscience. The unicorns in the industrial unicorn farms live in appalling conditions, in many cases worse than those of the Pegasus ranches. Don’t believe the propaganda of Lisa Frank and the other tycoons of big unicorn; all that awaits these poor creatures is the abattoir and the rainbow factory. Be ethical and buy (kosher) dragon meat instead.

  26 of 27 people found the following review helpful

  Wishes

  By Tim Turntine, December 18, 2012

  I can’t believe no one is talking about the WISHES!! I bought this years back thinking I’d use it for a gag. Instead I got hungry one day and decided to skip a trip to the supermarket. I popped it open and said, quote: “I wish I had a beer with this.” I opened my fridge and found a six-pack! Since then my fridge has always had a six-pack in it. I’ve won the lottery 20 times. I can breathe underwater. I have my own Batman lair, complete with the Bat Jet. I have a DeLorean time machine. I’m not sure if the wishes ever run out, but the meat is getting pretty smelly. Maybe I’ll wish for it to be forever fresh!

  38 of 43 people found the following review helpful

  Mmmm…Toasty

  By Keith Jason “CJ” Chadwick, July 5, 2012

  I’m not the typical classless moron. See, people usually slap a few sausages on the grill for dinner and call it a night. But me, I like to put in a little bit of effort. When the missus is feeling a little something something, I take her out to a special place in the country where we watch the sunrise. All I take with me are a few slices of emu steak. And when the guys are over for the big game, I’m not serving flat Coors and bland hot dogs. Nosiree, Bob. I’m watching my Lions lose in style with nachos dipped in pterodactyl chili and a cool pitcher of Loch Ness Monster Ale. The point here is, I’m no schmuck. The problem is, lately I’ve been running out of endangered/extinct/fictitious creatures to make into delectable servings. That’s why I thought I was the luckiest guy in the world when I happened upon canned unicorn meat. Hell, I put this in everything from steaks to smoothies. I even tell my vegetarian daughter it’s organic, wholesome, gluten-free, pesticide-free, PETA-approved tofu as I grind it into her salads. All I can say is, praise the lord for Canned Unicorn Meat!

  19 of 21 people found the following review helpful

  No Way

  By S. L. Kelly “SMLKArden”, July 9, 2013

  I have worked all of my adult life to save the unicorns because they are endangered, and here they are, all smashed up and available in can form for eating. Well, I hope you’re happy. Just so you know, the horn is highly poisonous. If there’s ground up horn in that mess and you eat it, you will die. So, if anybody has eaten this stuff and died, you should post reviews so everybody else will know about it, and maybe that will stop people from killing and canning unicorns. So there.

  15 of 16 people found the following review helpful

  Magically delicious

  By couchshopper, April 24, 2012

  After first putting myself on a strict diet of Unicorn Meat and Leprechaun Sneezes I only felt a light tingly sensation after a week. I was naturally skeptical of its true powers but after that first week I started to notice things that weren’t typically normal. For instance, I was asked by my brother to go get the tractor and after walking over to it I didn’t even think to get in it and drive it over I just grabbed the front of it and pulled it over with ease. Since this time I have been asked to star in numerous movies and do all my own stunts and honestly I just don’t feel this is fair to the hard working stunt men of our time so I am cutting back on my daily diet of Unicorn Meat and switching to Gargoyle breath. Overall a wonderful product but maybe just a bit too strong for its own good.

  17 of 19 people found the following review helpful

  LIFE CHANGING!

  By yamaguchim, February 13, 2013

  As a human who’s diet strictly consists of meat from mythical creatures, this product is life changing. Now unicorn meat is produced and shipped to my house, I can now live somewhat of a normal life. Before this ingenious invention I had to move constantly. Unicorns are not only fast gallopers and flyers but they also migrate every week. Every week I would have to repack and lug my unicorn hunting gear to my customized unicorn hunting jet. Just like any hunter wearing camouflage clothing, I too must camouflage with my environment. Because unicorns most often reside in the clouds I have to camouflage myself into a cloud. I dyed my hair white and custom made a cloud costume made of 5,000 cotton balls. My custom made plane is also covered with over 50 million cotton balls to remain unnoticed in the clouds. To attract the unicorns I have to dispense at least 50 pounds of glitter into the sky. This is all very tedious work. This also gives me no time for social activities. I currently have no friends and have never met someone who shares the same dietary needs. However, now that I can easily ship unlimited amounts of unicorn meat to my house I have time to live a normal life!

  * * *

  Customer Questions & Answers

  Does the unicorn meat contain unicorn blood, and if so, should I strain it out before eating it? I don’t want to live a cursed half-life.

  I didn’t detect any blood. If your life is cursed, don’t blame the unicorn.

  Sharon Bernstein answered on July 10, 2013

  No blood. Just rainbows and stardust.

  And a little blood…

  Jeffrey D. Bell answered on July 10, 2013

  I would get an Aztec priest to bless one potato that you must eat raw before you consume the meat, just to make certain you will be immune to eating such a potent meat-product. It’s not the blood of the unicorn you should worry about, it’s tiny fragments of the horn which will cause you and any children you will have to lead cursed lives. Happy thoughts…

  Thomas Murray answered on July 10, 2013

  Does anyone know if this unicorn meat is gluten free?

  Unicorn meat is naturall
y gluten free, but it is not processed in a gluten-free facility, so there might be some cross contamination. Eat at your own risk.

  Melody H. answered on July 9, 2013

  Classic Grey Sevruga Caviar

  Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001JKPLK4

  4.2 out of 5 stars

  Name: Classic Grey Sevruga Caviar—4.00 lb. / 1800 g (Free Overnight Shipping!)

  ASIN: B001JKPLK4

  Price: $18,773.00

  FARMED. Russian “Classic Grey” Caspian Sevruga Caviar has a distinguished, smooth, buttery flavor, with a long, subtle aftertaste. Its small, pearly grains are of a pale grey color. Sevruga is the smallest sturgeon of the sturgeon caviars and, compared to the Beluga and Osetra sturgeon caviars, Sevruga has the strongest flavor of the sturgeon caviars. The world’s finest Sevruga (latin: Acipenser stellatus) caviar is found in the Caspian Sea, where it is produced both in Russia and Iran. From Russia, JustCaviar carries this Classic Grey Sevruga Caviar, as well as Traditional Sevruga Caviar and Royal Sevruga Caviar. From Iran, we carry Iranian 000 Sevruga caviar. The caviar is prepared only with pure gourmet sea salt, yielding “Malossol” caviar of exceptional quality. Our 1-, 2-, and 4-ounce selections come in glass jars. Our 1.75-and 5.5-ounce selections come in attractive crystal glass jars, perfect for gift giving. All other sizes come in elegant, traditional tins. Labeling may vary slightly. Shelf life 4 to 6 weeks, refrigerated (ideally at 28 to 32 degrees Celsius).

  Most Helpful Customer Reviews

  20 of 25 people found the following review helpful

  Not bad

  By Stephen T. Early “StephenT”, May 16, 2013

  Goes great with Cool Ranch Doritos on a Saturday night! Definitely worth the home equity loan and the divorce settlement.