Did You Read That Review?: A Compilation of Amazon's Funniest Reviews
Page 9
53 of 55 people found the following review helpful
The milk of heterosexuality
By Leon Dekelbaum “process613”, August 11, 2006
I had struggled with homosexuality for years. I tried pills, figure-skating deprivation, even spent a weekend watching Richard Simmons workout videos. Nothing helped. Then when I was home for Fourth of July this year, my mother offered me a tall glass of Tuscan Whole Milk. Seeing how thirsty I was and how cold and pure the milk was, I eagerly drank deeply. Then it started. Images of cats filled my subconscious. Jessica Simpson suddenly seemed talented. And the desire to biologically fill the world with as many children as humanly possible filled me with a primal urgency. My mother looked up at me, smirking, as she dialed her friend Mindy Schwartz. “Mindy, have I got a boy for your Rivkah…”
Revolutionized my view of Quantum Mechanics
By Michael, June 5, 2013
It came just in time one day as I was stuck on a particular philosophical quandary. I opened up the package and lo and behold—the jug was empty. Revelation replaced agitation. The milk wasn’t there. Perhaps, it was never there to begin with. And thus, is the true nature of reality. My brain and 82-page thesis paper would like to thank the good people of Tuscan and Amazon for providing me with the catalyst for great intellectual discovery.
37 of 37 people found the following review helpful
The product name may have changes…
By Lester Moore, October 16, 2013
…but it’s the same Bantha milk those detestable raiders have been peddling for years. I will never forgive them for what they did to the Skywalker family.
Who do you think you’re fooling Tuscans?
51 of 54 people found the following review helpful
No Truth in Advertising
By GreytMom, January 11, 2013
Be sure you read the fine print -- the picture is not an accurate representation of this product. Mine arrived in a cow, “some assembly required.” On the plus side, I have to admit it WAS pretty fresh.
89 of 91 people found the following review helpful
The best milk ever.
By Maciej Murakowski “Kuactet”, September 22, 2006
I bought this milk a few days ago; it arrived today, and when I opened it, it was a literal explosion of rainbows and kittens. No cows could have made this milk. No, I suspect unicorns.
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Customer Questions & Answers
This must be Tuscan brand local milk, right? It would be too weird to bring in milk in that kind of perishable container from Italy, right? Anyone know if there’s a “Tuscan” brand near New York City?
Contrary to popular belief (perpetuated by the movie industry), Brooklyn is, in fact, a utopian land of dairy cattle and rolling plains of sweet wheatgrasses. The Malta Street Valley is known for its pampered cows and breathtaking wildflowers.
Milkspeare answered on August 5, 2006
Actually, they import the cows from the Tuscany region of Italy, then milk them in the States. Afterward, they milk us with the prices.
- answered on August 21, 2006
After reading all the replies thus far I must apologize that no one has answered your question. Let me assure you that the container is quite imperishable.
Bill answered on September 18, 2013
Does it come from cows?
No, it comes from an elegant, 1-gallon, plastic milk jug.
Doug H. answered on June 25, 2013
If I spill it, can I cry?
If you do, it is best to cry either next to it or below it. Crying over it is useless.
Marcus M. answered on February 24, 2013
Does it come in a can? Does it taste good with Ham? Does Tuscan make Jam? Sam, I am.
I like this milk, oh yes I do, it comes in gallons, white not blue. You can drink it from a cup, you can sip it, you can sup. Have it with a little ham, have it with a bit of jam. I like this milk, oh yes I do, and if you try it, you will too.
K. Corcoran answered on October 20, 2013
Uranium Ore
Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000796XXM
3.7 out of 5 stars
Name: Uranium Ore
ASIN: B000796XXM
Price: $39.95
Radioactive sample of uranium ore. The ore sample material is Naturally Occurring Radioactive Materials (NORM). Counts Per Minute (CPM) activity rate listed on the label is determined using a GCA-07W Digital Geiger Counter with an NRC certification. Activity level includes all radiation types: alpha, beta, and gamma. Uranium Ore samples are useful for testing Geiger Counters. License exempt. Uranium ore sample sizes vary. Shipped in labeled metal container as shown. Shipping Information: We are always in compliance with Section 13 from part 40 of the NRC (Nuclear Regulatory Commission) rules and regulations and Postal Service regulations specified in 49 CFR 173.421 for activity limits of low-level radioactive materials. The item is shipped in accordance with Postal Service activity limits specified in Publication 52. Radioactive minerals are for educational and scientific use only.
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
55 of 59 people found the following review helpful
Turtles now teenagers, lack karate skills
By B. Drew, January 16, 2013
This product doesn’t work as well as I would have hoped. I kept three cans in a terrarium with my 4 pet turtles for two years (starting when they were 11). Today, while they are definitely teenagers, they completely lack the following:
Any kind of karate skills
Pronounced Valley accent
Tendency to fight crime
Dislike of my paper shredder
There may have been an effect, however, as three of my turtles now seem to enjoy pizza.
5,502 of 5,713 people found the following review helpful
So glad I don’t have to buy this from Libyans in parking lots at the mall anymore
By Kyle J. Von Bose “Kyle von Bose”, January 21, 2009
I bought this to power a homemade submarine that I use to look for prehistoric-era life forms in land-locked lakes around my hometown in Alaska. At first I wasn’t sure if this item would (or could) arrive via mail, but I was glad to see it showed up with no problems. Well, almost no problems. Unfortunately, my mom opened my mail, because she does not respect people’s privacy. She was pretty upset to see Uranium Ore. After a long argument and me running away from home again, she finally stopped being such an idiot, and I was able to get back to work. The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was buying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision Sasquatch radar; an electromagnetic chupacabra cage; a high-velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net; and a super-heated, instant grilled cheese sandwich maker.
I have to submit to a polygraph to buy Sudafed, but radioactive material…
WARNING: Freebasing uranium makes you paranoid.
79 of 87 people found the following review helpful
I “thought” it would be a good idea
By smumum, December 29, 2009
Well…I had an awesome idea that if I combined my newly purchased Uranium Ore and a container of Marshmallow Fluff, the outcome would result in a smaller version of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. However…what soon followed my unfortunate science/cooking experiment was the creation of something that resembled a 10-foot-tall adaptation of the Michelin Man meets Chuck Norris! Immediately upon its creation I received an unprovoked roundhouse kick to my face…fortunately, his marshmallow-pillowy-like foot softened the impending blow. We battled through the kitchen, then it saw the open door. As soon as this sticky-sweet creature made it outside…it escaped. So I guess this “review” is more of a public service announcement…I probably should’ve said that first.
541 of 573 people found the following review helpful
The Traveler’s Friend
By
Shady Ave Reader, September 14, 2012
Whenever I fly, I always pack a can of this wonder stuff in each piece of my luggage. As we all know, so many bags look alike. How often do you get to your hotel, only to find you have walked away with the wrong bag, and are forced to wear a stranger’s underwear for the rest of the trip? We’ve all been there, right? So when that confusing luggage starts whirling around the baggage claim carousel I just whip out my Geiger Counter and let the Uranium Ore go to work for me. I merely wait for those comforting clicks (and after longer flights, look for the glowing hot spot), and I know I have found my bags. Occasionally, airlines lose my bags (yes, it does happen, people). But whenever I fill out that claim form and let them know my Uranium Ore is missing—well I tell you, they literally SPRING into action. They’ll track down that errant bag faster than you can say “Chernobyl.” And I cannot tell you how many new friends I have made in TSA and Customs since I’ve adopted this sure-fire system. Nothing brightens their day quite like finding a traveler with potentially fissionable material. Throw away those gaudy rainbow-bag straps forever and step into the atomic age. It’s no longer just Uranium; it’s my-ranium. Thanks, Amazon!
248 of 265 people found the following review helpful
Hard to Find Refill for Madame Curie Play Set
By Wandrwoman “Wise as Aphrodite, Beautiful as Athena…”, March 6, 2010
My daughter was heartbroken when she ran out of the uranium ore supply that came with her Madame Curie Playschool set. These things always happen at the most inconvenient times…in this case, when she was almost halfway through recreating the Theory of Radioactivity. Of course, she has done this already over 20 times (and demonstrated the difference between polonium and radium), but like most 8-year-olds, if she likes something, she just does it over and over again! My husband and I looked everywhere for the uranium ore refill, and I don’t have to tell you how hugely popular the Madame Curie play set was over Christmas! The refill was sold out everywhere…even in Toys“R”Us and Costco. Finally, we found it on Amazon. The price is a bit high, but it is certainly worth our daughter’s happiness. She’s been looking a bit pale lately (she’s always been a little anemic), and this will certainly brighten her day!
15 of 17 people found the following review helpful
Shiny
By paul.ward395 “pw”, September 4, 2012
Package was leaking when it arrived but I believe that’s an old custom in the industry so I haven’t marked it down. Both the kids and our cat have had a great time playing with this since it came and I’ve saved electricity as they can play with it in the dark. Indeed, I can now play with the kids and the cat in the dark. Super stuff and I’m buying more for all my friends.
14,717 of 15,003 people found the following review helpful
Great Product, Poor Packaging
by Patrick J. McGovern, May 14, 2009
I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.
Horse Head Mask
Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003G4IM4S
4.5 out of 5 stars
Name: Accoutrements Horse Head Mask
ASIN: B003G4IM4S
Price: $39.95
We’ve discovered yet another universal truth—a person wearing a Horse Head Mask looks downright disturbing. But don’t take our word for it; wear this latex mask with realistic fur mane to your next social function and watch as people scramble to avoid you. Fits most adult heads. Bagged with illustrated tag.
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
1,399 of 1,498 people found the following review helpful
Great for Halloween
By HIJKay, July 16, 2011
I absolutely loved this! Last year, I dressed as Sarah Jessica Parker for Halloween, and this really helped pull my costume together. I’m really glad I was able to find it! I won the best costume contest at my work. :)
74 of 84 people found the following review helpful
A Gift from God?
By The $heriff, December 7, 2011
I, like many of you around this time, was expecting several different packages for Christmas. I was pretty good about tracking my packages and did not expect to see one addressed to me today but thought nothing of it. I opened the box expecting to see some toys for my son, a book, or maybe a sweater for my wife. This was none of those things. I was truly puzzled. As I pulled the box open, the first thing I saw was that eye…that glorious eye. It was surrounded by brown rubber and what appeared to be hair. What is this? I thought to myself. There was no packing slip in the box to tell me what this was, but I could tell it was something of wonder. I quickly opened the plastic bag, shooshing my wife who was asking me what it was and telling me not to open it. To my amazement, it was a large, life-like horse mask. I quickly unflattened and brushed off my new stallion facade. I did not place the order for this mask, but when I cast my eyes upon it, I knew it was mine. I thank God for choosing me. When I put the mask on, something came over me. Suddenly, I felt the urge to run through the canyons, and Disney’s “Colors of the Wind” had new meaning. Something is very different now. I no longer feel the pain of man; I fear nothing…I am the embodiment of valiantry. Trust me, this mask will be a great addition to your family, provided you take the proper care and provide the TLC. Just be warned of its powers. Your family will know loyalty, courage, valor, and most of all, you will gain a trusty steed.
45 of 48 people found the following review helpful
Finally I’m a horse
By Jim, February 11, 2012
I was never interested in being transgender like some people seem to be. I always wanted to be a horse. I’m going to get straight to the point with this review. I am now a horse, thanks to this mask.
59 of 69 people found the following review helpful
This mask is the best mask
By Hammertime, September 22, 2011
I take this mask everywhere. It is scary and good for terrifying elderly folks, women, and small children. I wore it to a rave once. Some dude freaked out so much that he just froze in place as I stared at him and shook my head violently. It is made out of rubber, and when you shake your head around, the nose portion also flops around due to inertia. Sometimes, I’ll just put it on and sit in the middle of the park. The mask is approximately 2 inches shorter than a standard beverage bottle. So, you can receive nutrients via bottle and never have to take it off. I must warn you, though, it is quite hot in there.
388 of 407 people found the following review helpful
Why don’t you have one?
By Ian, October 23, 2011
The biggest question I get asked is, “Why do you have that?” I simply reply, “Why don’t you have one?” and then gallop away and eat some grass.
504 of 598 people found the following review helpful
Useless
By Selig7, January 31, 2012
It’s not big enough to completely cover a horse’s head, and it doesn’t provide enough airflow for them, either. I guess it doesn’t matter. Even if those problems were fixed, it didn’t convince my daughter her horse wasn’t dead. Thanks a lot, Accoutrements.
70 of 81 people found the following review helpful
Great For Difficult Business Negotiations
By Narutakikun, September 30, 2011
I was having difficulty in my negotiations with a business affiliate in Los Angeles. Try as I might, I just couldn’t convince him to see my point of view on an important matter. Now, in the old days, I might have had to use an actual horse’s head in order to help get the point across, but in this age of animal rights, that’s not as easy as it used to be. This rubber horse head might not send quite as forthright a message as the real thing, but believe me, waking up with one of these next to you in bed can still be plenty persuasive. All in all, this is a fine way to get your point across without risking getting in trouble with the “politically correct” crowd or having to engage in unnecessary anima
l cruelty. All in all, this is highly recommended as a business tool.
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Customer Questions & Answers
How do you keep the mask in place? It keeps sliding down so I can’t see anything.
Consider a bridle (bit optional).
Shelwood answered on June 19, 2013
Will this fit my large head?
Only if it is smaller than the head of a horse. Otherwise, you should probably seek medical care, anyway.
Carly answered on August 22, 2013
Rare sighting of giant Pacific Sea Horse
Day 32, the horse community has accepted me as one of their own and thoroughly enjoys my jokes. I only pray they never find out the horrible truth that both you and I know…
Office meeting to discuss the new change request.
Microwave Cooking for One
Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1565546660
3.8 out of 5 stars
Name: Microwave Cooking for One (Paperback)
ASIN: 1565546660
Price: $13.82
Cooking for one doesn’t have to mean opening a can of soup or living on dry sandwiches and frozen dinners. The person cooking for him- or herself can easily learn to prepare delicious, satisfying meals in minutes. The recipes in Microwave Cooking For One are ideal for individual cooks, whether they live alone or share busy, modern households. Fresh, appetizing meals can be prepared to satisfy personal preferences while fitting tight schedules. The diet-conscious can resist the temptation to overindulge by following these perfect-for-one recipes.