Did You Read That Review?: A Compilation of Amazon's Funniest Reviews

by Amazon Reviewers

  Most Helpful Customer Reviews

  306 of 340 people found the following review helpful

  Sigma 200–500-mm Telephoto Lens

  By Christopher A. Simmons “C. Alan Simmons Fine Home Building, Inc.”, February 19, 2010

  I must admit I did not buy this monster of a lens—it came to me the old-fashioned way (no it wasn’t stolen): my parents purchased it for me—they have more disposable income than I. Well after having had it for a little while, there are a few things I have learned: 1. Don’t unleash this beast around other photographers or anyone else for that matter unless you are a total camera snob and are trying to compensate for certain inadequacies. 2. Use a monster tripod—this beast weighs over 100 lb.…3. Let the lens come to ambient temperature before using. 4. Do not use it for photographing ANYTHING from the deck of your home in San Francisco—unless you want your neighbors phoning SFPD complaining that you are a voyeur—SFPD was impressed with my photos of the Palace of Fine Arts and Alcatraz. Now I wanted this lens for nature photography—this is what I do for fun. Unfortunately, I think the lens is much too large and heavy to be transported with any ease other than hiring a Sherpa.

  196 of 268 people found the following review helpful

  Well worth the sacrifice

  By M. Daniels, February 17, 2010

  Some may feel that this lens is a tad pricey, but many forget about the needless things in their life that they can sell in order to purchase this beast. I immediately sold my vehicle because I was finally able to convince myself that I only use my vehicle a couple hours out of the day. It was sad that I even had to contemplate selling my car for this camera attachment, but to somewhat justify my hesitation in selling it, I do drop off my children at school and use it as transportation to and from work every day. So, once I sold it, I realized that I had to come up with another $21,000. I tried selling my apartment, but my landlord indicated that I could not legally do that. Whatever, Jim. (Because I have learned not to burn bridges from past experiences, I stopped having open houses. Plus, the lawyer and court fees would put a damper on my upcoming Amazon purchase). Where was I going to come up with this $21,000? That’s when a Sigma light bulb went off in my head. I sold my two children to the Pesticide & Insecticide Testing Corporation. I feel it was a solid move on my part because they explained that my (now their) children would always have enough to eat, exercise every day, and have a doctor present 24/7. With the money I made with this no-brainer sell and the under-the-table cash my wife was getting from working on the prestigious corner of Main Street and Almond Street, I was finally able to make the purchase of a lifetime. I even had some extra cash left over, so I decided to buy my first digital camera. This green monster looks great on my brand new Canon Rebel XSi. Thanks, Sigma!

  18 of 28 people found the following review helpful

  Great piece of equipment, but a little heavy

  By 6138 “6138”, April 20, 2012

  This is great. I live in Miami, and now I am able to take pictures of the Eiffel tower without travelling. That allows you to save some money. I’m planning to change direction and snap some photos of the glaciers in Alaska now. The only downside is that I had to buy a tank to carry the thing, I tried with a mule, but the poor animal died of exhaustion. The good thing about the tank is that I can also carry the 5 concrete blocks that I have to use as a tripod for this thing. For this price it’s a bargain; I would recommend to buy two just to have a backup of this amazing equipment.

  338 of 420 people found the following review helpful

  Bad color choice for lens barrel, excellent overall

  By Brett Turley “brett_turley”, April 12, 2011

  Well, I finally decided to spring for the Sigma 200–500 f/2.8. For under $30,000, I couldn’t pass up the deal. I know, carrying a 37-lb. lens around may seem like a chore, but the savings in gas to drive to photo shoots more than compensates for it. I actually do most of my Florida and Georgia area outdoor wedding and landscape shoots from my rooftop now. The IQ is tack-sharp, even wide open, at 1000 mm (w/2x converter, obviously). The issue I had was when the FBI and Homeland Security showed up at my house. I was shooting a wedding in downtown Orlando, which is only about 30 miles away, from my roof. The house was surrounded and guns drawn on me. You see, I live near enough to a major airport that the neighbors mistook its green color and imposing size as some sort of ground-to-air missile launcher. I would strongly consider coloring it a light color to minimize thermal expansion during the day, and marking the side with “Not a Stinger Missile.” Also, it is a nice walk-around lens for family trips to the zoo. Low-light performance is superb. Most photos can be taken without flash, on a moonless night, following a massive power outage, by simply lighting a fart during the exposure. Experiment with differing brands of beans, as it affects the color temperature of the raw shot.

  Hard to get entire cat in frame at 500 mm.

  71 of 99 people found the following review helpful

  Cornered the market!

  By J. Ryan, January 19, 2011

  It’s easy to see the logic Sigma followed to adeptly and ingeniously corner this market (estimated number of prospective customers in parentheses): The item is designed to appeal to photographers (1.5 billion), who are professionals (500,000), photographing wildlife or pimples on athletes’ faces (2,000), who can justify a $29,000 expense (100), who don’t mind handling 37 pounds (15), and whose professionalism isn’t threatened by it being bright green (1). Unfortunately, that guy was eaten trying to get a close-up of a lion before this thing was designed. Who knew such a ridiculously large lens could be so good for “panning”?

  73 of 105 people found the following review helpful

  The “Big Bang” Looks Beautiful From Here

  By online shopper, November 24, 2010

  I purchased this lens with the intent to look back in space-time and see the Big Bang unfold firsthand. I must say it was a little difficult to find the correct line of visibility within the Hubble Deep Field, but after a few precision adjustments, I was finally looking at the origins of our universe. Seriously Awesome!

  I don’t want to spoil it for you, but you CAN make out God quite nicely while he’s assembling the fundamental forces of physics. Teaser: He’s NOT a white dude with a beard!

  25 of 36 people found the following review helpful

  Totally worth it

  By Paul Asher “paul”, September 23, 2011

  First, let me say that I am not a photographer. Just an eccentric who likes to impress his friends with cool technology. And boy, were Ryan and Betsy impressed. Right after reading this review, they texted me and put on Facebook how cool I am for owning this lens. So now that you own a primo lens like this one, what do you do with it? I tried to build an attachment for my Blackberry 9700 cuz it takes decent pix, but I always thought the distance zoom was lacking…didn’t fit…tech support said something about a metric lens and a standard Blackberry. *shrug* After a few more similar incidents and calls with tech support I was almost ready to give up (although I did have a good call with Apple where they said that they thought that there might be an app and a 3rd party attachment for the iPhone 5)…until I hit upon the solution. I could turn it around and use it for an off-label purpose. It’s so cool. I live in South Florida and am able to burn ants in Belize. Boy are the locals surprised when they see fire ants actually catch on fire. Totally a find. 5 Stars.

  6 of 10 people found the following review helpful

  A bit small

  By ReedLight, July 10, 2013

  Sigma almost had it perfect; I’d say if they had it about a foot wider, and a couple feet longer, this would be a useable UTP Lens. Also, don’t shine a flashlight through it. I didn’t do it, I swear, but I think the moon is on fire. Someone should do something about that. Once again, it wasn’t because I pointed this lens at the moon and shined a flashlight through it and unwittingly created a homemade star-destroyer death ray…I. did. not. do. that.

  12 of 24 people
found the following review helpful

  Superb, amazing lens

  By Gunasekhar Tirupati “Gunasekhar” (Bangalore), July 6, 2012

  One night when I was sleeping in my farmhouse in South India, an UFO appeared over my fields, fried the paddy and disappeared. When I went to see that location around 12:30 AM I found this olive greeny thing along with a note saying that I should find the highest peak possible and do photoshoots from there. I rented an Army war plane, went to the Everest in Himalayas, occupied a cave and mounted this on a tripod made of rare earth metals. The aliens gave me my first wedding shoot happening in Kerala and while I was tracking a young kid playing with a ball, he threw it up, I followed it, and suddenly a satellite came in view. The lens focused on it and it was burnt!

  In the night times I used to search for the bigfoot in the Himalayas and I found his fallen tooth 10 miles beneath the ice. I even thought of using it to find the Higgs Boson, but the CERN found it few days back (had to check if they purchased this lens). I am also using this to fry the animals to eat and melt the ice caps as there are less rains this season.

  All in all this lens is a great piece of alien technology. Just buy one…!!!

  * * *

  Customer Questions & Answers

  FOR REAL? Has anybody actually purchased this lens? How could you possibly handle this thing?

  Ancient aliens gave this lens to the Egyptians to help them build the pyramids…

  D. L. Suttle answered on January 21, 2012

  I can’t afford it, so I guess I’ll need to sneak up on them birds. I guess this would be a heavy monster, so carrying it? No, thanks. My only worry would be if I dropped and it broke…Ouch for the wallet.

  Kenneth A. Drake answered on December 2, 2012

  Montegrappa 18k-Gold Rollerball Pen

  Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B006ZYY15U

  3.8 out of 5 stars

  Name: Montegrappa Chaos Limited Edition 18k-Gold Rollerball Pen

  ASIN: B006ZYY15U

  Price: $69,350.00

  Sylvester Stallone’s “Chaos” pen is fashioned from precious materials and produced in limited numbers. The body of the pen is made of black, pearlized celluloid with overlays in solid 18k gold. The overlays are finished by hand by Montegrappa’s skilled craftsmen and feature an antiqued finish with accents in red and yellow translucent enamel to represent the colors of fire. The pen design is characterized by the juxtaposition of life and death, with reptiles representing the early forms of life on Earth, and the skull signifying death. The ultimate defining detail, bearing both a fist and a skull, is the pen’s clip in the form of a sword. The “Chaos” pen is the first from the “Cult” collection and is available as a limited edition of 100 rollerballs in solid 18k gold.

  Most Helpful Customer Reviews

  384 of 392 people found the following review helpful

  Cute pen, but watch out for the refills

  By C. Yu, February 16, 2013

  Nice pen, but I keep losing it. This is the third one I’ve had to buy. They should offer it in a box of 20. Be sure to look around for good deals on the refills, BTW. They really get you on the refills.

  79 of 94 people found the following review helpful

  Try as I might, it revisits me anon

  By Gregory Bogosian, March 19, 2013

  Day 453: I cannot seem to rid myself of this accursed instrument. Thus far, I have resorted to attempts at incineration, exorcism, a dip into the coldest waters of furthest Antarctica, and even the enchantments of a Voodoo Woman whose acquaintance I made through some of my more unscrupulous associates. Yet still, each morning when I awaken, I find it firmly ensconced in my trouser pocket, taunting me with its death’s-head grin as the slithering lizards entwined upon it also encircle my soul. At times, I have heard it gently calling my name from a space between my own ears, in a sinister aspect, as if to portend some ominous event yet unseen by mortal eyes, unimagined even in the darkest moments of Humanity’s struggle to attain civilization. Perhaps it is a relic of a bygone time prior to the rise of modern man, the last visitation of an ancient civilization upon an unsuspecting soul who is to be their pawn in an eternal game of human sacrifice, appeasing their God even as they have perished from the Earth. I must go now, as it once again begins to grow warm in my pocket (I dare not utilize it for its intended purpose, lest I willingly contribute to the evil imbued therein), and I suspect that it knows of my treachery in some dark recess of its twisted being and plots as yet toward my eventual fate at the hands of its cold cylinder of gold, steel, and suffering.

  29 of 38 people found the following review helpful

  Perfect for closing the deal

  By Hey_ross, May 22, 2012

  If you have decided it’s time to sell your soul to Satan, this is the pen you want for signing the contract. It’s easy to grip, loaded with great symbolism, and the ink flows freely. Being a rollerball, it is a little more complicated than expected to fill the ink cartridge with your blood or the blood of an innocent, hence the 4/5 review.

  This pen is NOTHING without the watch

  By Neil Schwartzman, July 24, 2013

  I don’t know how anybody could own The Pen without owning the watch. It shows a complete lack of class to own one, without the other. Therefore, I spent my inheritance, and pledged myself to indentured servitude so I could own both, and come off as the classy guy that I am.

  297 of 322 people found the following review helpful

  Every night I have the same dream

  By Mayor McCheese, January 31, 2012

  I’m standing on the bank of the Brenta River; I hear the pope calling me from a distance. I try to call out to him, but we don’t have any signal where we are standing. I begin to feel a calm come over me, a warm embrace let’s say. I turn around, and I am completely amazed every time at who is standing behind me. It’s Bono. He says to me, “Why are you here with the pope on this river?” Startled, I reply, “I think this is a dream; nothing feels real.” Then I wake up. As always, I look over to my bed stand and there is my Montegrappa Chaos, the source of these dreams. Before you leave and disregard this in disbelief, let me ask you…Is Bono real? Is the pope REAL? The answer is yes. I can say this for sure because this pen is what brought the 3 of us together on this journey. Every day starts the same: the pope tries to make breakfast, and for 2 weeks now I’ve had to ask him not to put corn flakes in the toaster. Bono does not help this by encouraging Popey to throw eggs at my exotic fish. Let’s get back to the Pen. You can’t see the true infinite detail here on these pictures, but I promise you there is an ancient prophecy inscribed in the art. The gold, the hand-laid leafing, all wonderful, but the true value is the “secret.” This pen puts all others to shame, but sadly these pens cannot be held by the meek. The MCL, for short, is amazing. Once again, the item description doesn’t even scratch the surface. I will list for you the most amazing features:

  -self-refilling ink

  -writes underwater/upside down

  -creates its own gravitational field

  -spell check

  -easily located if lost with built-in GPS or telepathy

  -night-light

  -ability to bring random people into being with you

  -communicates with dead trees

  -Wi-Fi/USB/320 DDRAM

  -built-in vibrator with 3 speed settings

  -remote control

  -translates any language (except Yiddish)

  -built-in parachute

  -microphone/webcam

  -82 mpg

  -interface allows you to use pen on a computer screen and words will show as type

  -fire retardant

  -windproof

  I’m sure I am missing some crucial information, but I cannot stress how much your life will change after this purchase. I must go now as I am being told Pope wants to go potty. Please use your best judgment and buy as many of these pens as you can get your hands on!

  49 of 55 people foun
d the following review helpful

  Great gift!

  By kchan, May 22, 2013

  This pen is great! It writes smoothly, and it has a nice, solid weight to it. I picked it up at a thrift store (great find!), and I was immediately drawn to it. Now I reach for it over anything else! Highly recommended!

  Edit: It’s almost hard to type this as I’ve been handwriting everything recently. I’m so exhausted when I finish writing, but the pen feels so nice that I never want to stop. My wife picked it up the other day and almost bit my hand off when I asked for it back. I’m thinking about getting another one.

  Edit 2: I’ve taken out a loan to buy a pen for my wife. She wouldn’t stop taking it away from me, and I need it with me always.

  Edit 3: My brother asked me to leave the pen behind for a bit. I’ll never put it down. It’s mine.

  8 of 8 people found the following review helpful

  Nice pen, but…

  By Psycosyin, July 6, 2013