Did You Read That Review?: A Compilation of Amazon's Funniest Reviews
Page 17
When I found this guy on Amazon, I asked myself, “So, I really need a pen, but is it really worth the money?” So then I told myself, “Nah, I gave myself a monthly budget of only $60,000 for writing utensils, and I must live within my means.” But then I read this: “the pen’s clip in the form of a sword.” Well, who could say no to that? “Budget be damned, I’ll just take the balance from next month’s manila folder expenses! I’ve got to have this pen!!!” So I put this is my shopping cart and started the checkout process. “Great!” I said. “In 2 to 3 weeks I will be writing my correspondences in style! Yay!” But then I felt my heart drop as I saw the most horrific sight I could ever imagine—they want $4.49 for shipping. For a pen!? That’s just silly. At least now I won’t have to worry about conserving my manila folders next month.
The Secret
Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/dp/1582701709
3.7 out of 5 stars
Name: The Secret (Hardcover)
ASIN: 1582701709
Price: $18.23
The Secret is truly the most outstanding book to date that we have published. I am so pleased that Rhonda Byrne was able to bring together this life-changing information so masterfully. She first did it for the movie of the same name that she produced, which has been a phenomenon in its own right. She then added, in only one month’s time, incredible additional content to the transcript of the film that brings even more clarity to the reader. This is absolutely a book that people from all walks of life can read to then “get” the concept of The Secret. It allows them to then take it and apply it to their lives. Children, teenagers, and adults of all ages are reporting miraculous stories of positive changes as a result. Rhonda Byrne is dedicated to maintaining the integrity of The Secret and to making sure that now, finally, the whole world knows about The Secret. You will want to share this with your friends and family, and they will be grateful for it. This book gives hope for what many have been waiting for: a shift in the way the world thinks. It’s a very exciting time that we are living in, and I, as well as everyone at Beyond Words and Atria Books, am grateful to be a part of it.
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
58 of 63 people found the following review helpful
Can I Give It No Stars?
By Mom of Sons, March 20, 2007
This isn’t a book, it’s a collection of silly bumper sticker quotes. I think its basic premise is even harmful: that we can control what happens to us—EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US—with our thoughts. Have a disease? You caused it by negative thoughts. Are you poor? You caused it by negative thoughts. Do you want to be Miss America? Well then, just THINK it, because even if you’re a 50-year-old, ugly, humpbacked, obese MAN, then you WILL be Miss America, because you send out that Positive Energy into the Universe. What a rip-off. Step right up, folks, and fork over your $14.95. You won’t be able to make things happen with only your thoughts—but you will definitely help make Rhonda Byrne really, really rich.
145 of 168 people found the following review helpful
Where have I heard this before?
By Michael Kelty, March 14, 2007
Oh yeah, on the Simpsons: “Greetings, friend! Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you’ve got the power inside you right now, so use it! Send $1 to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don’t delay; eternal happiness is just a dollar away!”
28 of 31 people found the following review helpful
Disappointing
By Shary, March 16, 2007
Unless you’re nine years old and have been living in a tree, this book isn’t worth the money. It’s nothing more than a slick rehash of what your mother has been telling you for years—that a positive attitude will serve you better than a negative attitude. I intensely disliked the fact that the book stresses materialism (i.e., lose weight, and you’ll be happy; win the lottery, and you’ll be happy; or acquire a five-million-dollar mansion, and you’ll be happy). But what happens if you don’t get what you asked for? Well, the author has left herself a neat little exit hole by telling you that if your wish doesn’t come true, it’s because you didn’t really, REALLY believe it would.
851 of 944 people found the following review helpful
A bestseller; folly of the masses
By E. Cetin, June 25, 2007
This book was given to me as a gift on Father’s Day. I started reading it the way I read any book, but soon I started reading faster and faster, more like scanning with speed-reading techniques, and finished it in 2 hours, while taking notes at the same time. I have no interest in self-help books or concepts like power of positive thinking. This book combines the two, with the main thesis being that the “secret” to anything in life—wealth, health, success, love, romance, happiness—is positive thinking, thinking positive thoughts. More specifically, imagining things that you want to have and really, truly believing that you already have them, and feeling good about having them now! For example, if you want to be rich, you should first imagine that you are already rich; second, you should really believe that you are already rich; and third you should feel yourself in a rich lifestyle and feel happy about it. If you keep doing this for a while, miraculously the doors of wealth will open to you, all the opportunities will line up at your door, and you will be well on your way to becoming that rich person you are imagining. Similarly, if you want to lose weight, you should imagine yourself in your ideal weight, really focus on that; only allow yourself “thin thoughts” and avoid “fat thoughts,” and you will get thin. I quote, “If someone is overweight, it came from thinking fat thoughts.” Another one: “Food cannot cause you to put on weight, unless you think it can.” I felt like putting a smiley face right after the last sentence as I am smiling now, and was smiling throughout the book. All you have to do is just ask (oh, and believe, and feel) for the thing you want and, lo and behold, thou shalt have it! I quote: “Make a command to the Universe. Let the Universe know what you want. The Universe responds to your thoughts.” Another one: “The Universe will start to rearrange itself to make it happen for you.” Really? I didn’t know the entire universe cared so much about me! The method even works for some frivolous things. Like always finding a parking spot, never having to wait in lines, never being late etc. And a lot of people are, allegedly, already doing it: “We have received thousands of accounts of The Secret being used to bring about large sums of money and unexpected checks in the mail. People have used The Secret to manifest their perfect homes, life partners, cars, jobs, and promotions, with many accounts of businesses being transformed within days of applying The Secret.” One look at the titles of the co-authors of the book says a lot: Metaphysician, moneymaking expert (ha?), healer, life coach, law of attraction specialist, feng shui consultant (sure)…How about gullibility specialist, swindling expert, or snake-oil salesman? Actually, I shouldn’t be so hard. At least one person, the main author of the book, made her wishes come true. In the foreword of the book, and elsewhere inside, she says that she was going through a very bad time; her company of 10 years was about to be history. In desperation she looked everywhere for answers and that’s how she discovered “the secret.” Judging from the success of the book and the film, it must have worked for her. I suppose she must have thought, believed, and felt something like this: “I want a large number of credulous people to buy what I am saying (and the book and the DVD) so I can make a lot of money.”
I tried a couple of fotos, but the book keeps radiating this strong shine!
257 of 290 people found the following review helpful
Here’s the REAL Secret
By S. Denaro “Susan6868”, March 1, 2007
The wealth that is bestowed on the small percentage of people in this world is acquired through heredity, ingenuity, hard work, or just dumb luck. No one obtains wealth or cures cancer by simply obsessively wishing for it. The first step in increasing your wealth is to take the money you would have spent on this mindless drivel and put it in your pocket. See? You�
�re doing better already.
Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag
Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000EVQWKC
3.1 out of 5 stars
Name: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag
ASIN: B000EVQWKC
Price: $25.00
Sugar-free gummy bears with five real-fruit flavors and jewel-like, sparkling clear colors. Made with Lycasin. Available in 5-pound bags only. Contains approximately 216 pieces per pound.
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
109 of 140 people found the following review helpful
For the love of god and all that is holy
By Laura, September 18, 2013
Tastes like regret. Highly recommended by gastroenterologists and colonoscopy nurses everywhere. Sponsored by all toilet paper companies. Frustrating colonic cleanse “spas” for years. Confusing those who tout herbal diet “cleanses.” Angering stool-softening representatives since 2009.
129 of 165 people found the following review helpful
Perfect for roommates and freeloaders
By Brandon B, September 25, 2013
After reading these reviews, I decided to buy a couple bags to test on my roommate. He’s that guy that will just take a bite of your sandwich, OR if you just so happen to have a bowl of delicious gummy bears on the table, he will take it upon himself to handful after handful :) After he consumed about 1½ bags of these time bombs, he decided to go to his girlfriend’s house…I think we know where this goes. I get a text from him this morning complaining about having to s*** literally all night long and all day at work. I then refer him to this page and proceed to laugh. I don’t think he learned anything valuable from this, but I couldn’t not try it. 10/10. Well done, Haribo.
67 of 91 people found the following review helpful
Excellent candy to keep around the office for greedy coworkers
By Andrew Schaefer, April 16, 2007
I bought 10 lb. of these bears while I was doing the “Atkins thing”…and I found the same gastric issues that others experienced. However, we like to keep them around the office for newbies to experience. They’re so tasty that people will sit at your desk and snarf down a whole bowlful. We’d warn them not to eat too many, but they’d just nod and keep munching. The next day they’re believers in moderation. Apparently we’re all masochists, as we ate all 10 lb. in a month, regardless of side effects.
Please pay close attention to the NET carbs.
117 of 138 people found the following review helpful
Funding problems, NASA? Give this a try!
By Anonymous, October 11, 2013
Why are we hitching a ride to space with the Russians when we could just be using these babies? If I achieved liftoff on just a few of them, a pound and a half should have no trouble getting a much lighter person into lower orbit. Our astronauts will become asstronauts!
5,589 of 5,661 people found the following review helpful
Just don’t. Unless it’s a gift for someone you hate
By C. Torok, October 3, 2012
Oh, man…words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummy Bear “Cleanse.” If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN! First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety…I was a happy camper. BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these, all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I’ve ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I’ve had food poisoning from some bad shellfish, and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me. Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell…the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors. But wait; there’s more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond) as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible. AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS. I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005. I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking, delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands. Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she had listened. I think she was crying. Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5-pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can’t imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump. If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don’t post a video review during the aftershocks.
290 of 353 people found the following review helpful
I won’t hand them out on Halloween
By New crafter “New crafter”, August 9, 2013
I’m so glad I read these reviews, or I might have been tempted to hand these goodies out for Trick-or-Treats on Halloween. I’m now planning to send them as Christmas gifts to a few carefully selected individuals.
3,720 of 3,809 people found the following review helpful
Ideal Gift for Your Congressional Representatives
By DeleriouslyHappyTaxPayer, October 3, 2013
The reviews are so helpful. It is so difficult to be sure you are buying something over the internet that is exactly what you are searching for.
I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude.
* * *
Customer Questions & Answers
Is this a good item for an office candy bowl?
No, but it’s great for an ex-spouse!
I. N. Fellenzer answered on September 26, 2013
Not unless you want to play a cruel joke on the office. Whatever they put inside to eliminate the sugar portion of this product will give you the “runs,” if you know what I mean. I’m so glad I was home when I began eating them. I love them, but I had to discard them since I’m not in a position to run to the bathroom constantly.
Janey M. Perry answered on August 28, 2013
No. First—the candy is not individually wrapped. Second—this stuff can cause serious gastric distress.
Evelyn Sims answered on August 28, 2013
I would say no due to the fact that it could make some sick. If your place of work is similar to mine, people don’t take just a few.
Chelle answered on August 28, 2013
Yes, it is. You can’t even tell they are sugar free from the taste. If you enjoy regular Haribo gummy bears, I highly suggest these!
Jay answered on August 28, 2013
Natural Water-Based Lubricant—55 Gallons
Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005MR3IVO
4.1 out of 5 stars
Name: Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant—55 Gallons
ASIN: B005MR3IVO
Price: $1,297.99
What are you going to do with all this lube?! Wrestling match? Biggest adult party ever? If you are looking for a simply jaw-dropping amount of lube, Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant is ready to get the fun started with this
55-gallon drum! With its superb formula, you will have a natural feel that keeps you moist longer and also works great with all toy materials. Easily washes away with warm water and mild soap. You may never run out of lube again! Size: 55 gallons. Note: Includes pump. Ships via freight due to weight limit.
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
1,385 of 1,467 people found the following review helpful
Excellent veterinary applications
By William A. Hooker, October 12, 2011
As a fertility specialist for pachyderms, this was exactly what I needed to help rebuild elephant populations all over Sub-Saharan Africa. It’s not all just medications and IVF treatments. Sometimes you need a loudspeaker, a Barry White CD, and a 55-gallon drum of lube.
1,271 of 1,328 people found the following review helpful
It’s been 10 long, amazing years
By Malcolm D. Campbell, October 2, 2011
A little over a decade ago, I bought my 55-gallon drum of lube. I never thought I’d use it all, but a few days ago the pump finally ran dry. I’ve had a lot of good times with it. My wife, too. And not just what you’d think. One day I just hosed down our hardwood-floored hallway so I could use it as a Slip ’N Slide. You shouldn’t think of this as a “purchase.” It’s an “investment.” An investment sure to pay off in spades.
16 of 17 people found the following review helpful
Great for parties!
By Adam Rubin, June 3, 2013
You don’t buy individual packets of ketchup for a barbecue, and you don’t buy tiny bottles of lube for a party. This barrel will last all night long, no matter haw many people you are hosting.
614 of 707 people found the following review helpful
Hazard for cats