Sanctity

by S. M. Bowles

  When we got to the restroom she didn’t hold back, “So, obedience school, huh, haven’t seen one another for years. You’re awfully cozy together.”

  “I know but it just feels nice. He is super-sweet and,”

  “And I think he is leading you on.”

  “What? Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “Lily, I think he knew you would be vulnerable because of the whole Brooke/Jake/you situation and is just taking advantage of the damsel in distress thing you’ve got going on right now. How long is he here for, when is he going back to school, how do you know he doesn’t have a girlfriend up North?”

  “Danielle, really, I appreciate what you are trying to do, I know you think I am going to get hurt but it’s not like that.”

  “Did you sleep with him tonight?”

  My jaw dropped, “How could you ask me that? That’s none of your business!”

  “God, you did!! You’ll never see him again, you know that don’t you? After tonight, he’ll take his good looks and his charm and he’ll be gone. I think you are making, no, you have made, a huge mistake.”

  My eyes were swelling with tears, “You’re wrong,” I turned away.

  “Am I?” She asked as she turned on her heel and made her way out of the restroom and back to the tables.

  Our food was arriving by the time I regained my composure and headed back to the table. I had no appetite though and just pushed my dinner around on my plate. I tried to join in on the conversation whenever it seemed necessary. Michael was masking his concern well but I could feel a little nudge in my head like he was trying to uncover whatever was drowning the buoyant happiness I felt just a few minutes earlier. I was hesitant to share because I would never doubt him or his feelings. I could not, however, pretend that it didn’t bother me that there was no realistic way to defend Michael to Danielle. She had no intention of hiding her animosity. She sent little barbs of suspicion at him across the table and every little stab at Michael felt like a stab at me.

  “So, Michael, what are the people like up North, anything special?” I knew Dani meant anyone special and tossed a please behave look at her.

  “No, not really. People are pretty much the same wherever you go. Lily’s from the North, though, and she’s pretty special,” he put his hand over mine.

  It was an obvious response and Danielle was clearly not satisfied, “When do you plan on going back?” She asked.

  “I’m not sure yet. I’m not in any hurry, though.”

  She let the conversation drop for the moment and continued to eat her dinner and chat with the others. The topic of colleges came back up and I heard Brooke mentioning her interest in either applying to an arts or theatrical school. Jake seemed a little surprised and disappointed by this.

  “I thought you were going to State with me?”

  “Well, I haven’t made any decisions yet. I’ve always thought I would go to a 4 year school and get a degree and fall into some career doing something. But after Lily said culinary school, I mean who does that?”

  I was momentarily offended but as she continued I realized that what she was trying to say was that it never occurred to her to go to school for something she would actually enjoy doing. Expressing my desire to study for a less traditional career and to do something I at least had some enthusiasm for seemed to have been a catalyst to get her thinking of a more agreeable path to pursue.

  “Well, it’s your decision,” I turned from Brooke and looked to Dani, “and no one should decide what is right or wrong for you, only you know the truth of your emotions and where to steer your passions.”

  “Just don’t steer them into a tree. Ouch!!” Danielle laughed even though she was the only one who found the humor in her words.

  By the time everyone had finished with their dinners it was decidedly late. No one was interested in dessert and we asked for the check. Michael motioned when the server returned and insisted on paying for everyone.

  “I had a really great time tonight getting to know all of Lily’s friends. Let me thank you for being kind enough to let me intrude on your evening.”

  “That’s very generous, Michael but really, you shouldn’t,” I put my hand on his arm as he handed the check back to the server.

  “Hey, thanks, Michael,” Charlie and Zach had no problem accepting a free meal. Jake was a little hesitant but Brooke persuaded him that it was OK, “I saw his car when they pulled up, he can afford it, trust me,” she whispered.

  Missy and Christine decided to use the restroom before we all left and excused themselves. Everyone else retreated to the lobby, though I elected to stay with Michael. Once we were alone I felt a bit of a respite from some of the anxiety I had been feeling.

  “Everything alright,” he asked.

  “Yes, of course,” I smiled at him. “Danielle is worried, that’s all.”

  “She’s a good friend.”

  “Yes, she is. She certainly means well but I just have no way of explaining you to her. Either I have been keeping you a secret from her all these years, or you show up out of the blue with malicious intentions and in my sorrowful state I fall for your good looks and charm only to end up with nothing but regret.”

  “I see.”

  I wondered if I should have told him, because he suddenly looked deep in thought, as though he was contemplating all the difficulties that we would be faced with if we tried to continue our relationship. He looked circumspect all of a sudden, as if he just then realized what a huge endeavor it would be. I knew I couldn’t keep him secret from Margaret. He was able to cast a glamour on my friends but Margaret would certainly know Michael no matter what guise he chose. He signed the check and abruptly stood up, suddenly anxious to leave.

  “Michael?” Now I was the one with all the worry.

  He reached out his hand and helped me up. As he guided me to the lobby I saw that everyone was still there, waiting for the limo.

  “You should go with your friends,” Michael whispered in my ear and kissed me on the cheek. Before I could protest, he was gone.

  Everyone was piling into the limo as I stood there in a sea of disorientation wondering what just happened. Dani snapped me out of it as she called me to hurry and get in. I was in shock during the whole ride. Conversations were taking place all around me, Danielle was holding my hand in an effort to soothe me and as we dropped our friends off one by one I drew deeper and deeper into myself. Eventually it was just me and Danielle and a silent five minute drive from Charlie’s to my house.

  When we got home the driver helped first Danielle and then me out. We thanked him and remembered the envelope Margaret had given us to cover the cost of the limo and the tip for the driver. Dani handed it to him and took my elbow as she guided me inside. Kaley was waiting for me and Margaret was up as well. She asked us about our night and I prayed Danielle registered my don’t say a word squeeze.

  “Best night ever!!” She chirped.

  “We had a great time, Aunt Margaret, thank you for everything.”

  Dani stifled a yawn and muttered how sleepy she was, “Me too,” I concurred and we trudged upstairs to get ready for bed. I hastily changed out of my dress and into some lounge pants and top. I decided to take Kaley for a quick walk.

  “I’ll be right back,” I held the leash up for Margaret.

  “OK, I’m heading up to bed myself.”

  I took Kaley to the greenway and back and gave her a good night hug. Margaret had gone to bed just as she had said she would. I popped open Danielle’s door to say goodnight but her snores greeted me and I quietly snuck away. When I got to my room I noticed the window was open and wondered if Margaret was airing my room for me. I stepped over to close it but stopped midstride.

  Michael was sitting on the edge of the bed opposite me with his head in his hands. “Elayna, I think tonight may have been a mistake.”

  “Oh, God, no,” I fell to my knees. I felt like I was about to lose my insides as he gathered me close.

  “You are my who
le world Elayna, the only reason I am still here, still alive,” he started to explain. “It’s just not the right time for us; you must know that, surely you feel the truth of it. You are so young; there is still so much you need to do. I can’t keep that from you, I can’t keep you from living a normal life.”

  “Well, you’ve done that already, now haven’t you?!” My sorrow was quickly replaced by anger as I reflected on all the times he had slipped into and out of my life. I thought about my family; my mother and father, whose memories he tucked away into a corner of my mind where I couldn’t retrieve them. I thought about Victor and how Michael’s preoccupation with me brought about Victor’s wrath and my family’s demise.

  All the little walls were crumbling and everything was coming back to me. I was so angry and so resentful. “How could you do this to me, how could you make me love you after,” I was sobbing uncontrollably.

  “I love you,” he said simply enough. “I shouldn’t have, I knew I shouldn’t have. After…After Victor…I couldn’t stop myself. I was so different after he did this to me.” He held me even tighter to his chest, “I didn’t make you love me, though. I wanted you to, yes, I have always wanted you to love me but I never made you. When you were a little girl, that night I came to you. You were so brave and you shared your story with me. You comforted me and made me feel as though I could be forgiven for all that I had done. You gave me the courage to resist, the strength to live with restriction even though you never realized you were doing it. When you held me I could feel your little heart beating against mine. You were so good and trusting and your convictions were so strong. Then I wanted you to love me, I could think of nothing else but wanting to be worthy of your love from that day to this. I am guilty of that and of hoping, knowing the woman you would become that if I was patient, if I waited you would love me, too. If you do, I swear, it is because you want to and not because I made you. It doesn’t work like that. Not for you.”

  “How can I possibly believe you? I know what you are capable of; I’ve seen what you are capable of!”

  “No, no, not with you, not since, not since,” he was shaking with the effort to express himself, “not since the first time, when we met, at the fountain, all those years ago. Elayna, when I didn’t…” he paused, breathed deeply, “something happened that day. It always happened, somehow I would feel,” he searched for the word, “attached to the person I planned to…” another deep sigh, “take. But when I didn’t, I couldn’t take you, that link, that bond, whatever it is, it was never broken. I can’t force anything on you. I haven’t been able to, not since then. Not without hurting you,” he cautiously added. He was putting images in my mind, giving me back the memories of that long forgotten night. It was not just my memories though; he was sharing his own, showing me his fears and regrets from the same events but through his eyes.

  I could see the anguish in his expression, his eyes glistening in the dark and I knew he was telling the truth. “I’m sorry Michael. I just… I’m so angry because I can’t bear the thought of losing you again.”

  “I know, I can’t stand it either. But Elayna, you can’t imagine what you’d be missing, there is so much for you to look forward to; college, career, marriage, a family. You don’t understand what you’d be giving up.”

  “I’m not sure I want those things if I can’t share them with you.”

  “You wanted them before tonight, if I hadn’t needed to see you, if you hadn’t remembered me, you’d want them now.”

  “I’d want them, yes, but you know Michael, there has never been anyone else, I’ve never been able to care for anyone the way I care for you. I’m not sure that I can.”

  He lifted me up and sat down on the bed with me on his lap. I used my cuff to wipe away his tears as I kissed his cheeks and brow. I tried a sympathetic smile and put a gentle kiss on his lips. As it lingered the tension between us melted away. I started to pull back but he held me tighter and any semblance of reluctance was futile. There was no madness this time, just a gentle controlled exploration of one another, a complete and emotional exchange of affection.

  “Why did you come back Michael, why tonight?”

  He shook his head and nervously laughed, “It’s a little ridiculous.”

  “Try me,” I said as we lay together my head on his chest, his arm curled around my shoulder.

  “I wanted to see you and I came by one night with that intention but I lost my nerve and couldn’t face my mother. Then, I had a dream,” he sounded reflective as he tried to recall it. My heart skipped a beat and I had an intuitive feeling of what he was about to say, “I saw you walking Kaley. She had gotten away from you somehow and she ran to me, nearly knocked me over. As you came to me, she lay down at my feet and I took you in my arms,” I trembled as I recognized the sequence of events. “I kissed you, here,” he caressed my collarbone, “and when I looked up, Victor was standing near the end of your driveway. That is all I remember but afterwards, I just needed to know that you were safe.”

  “I came as quickly as I could. I did visit my mother the day you were biking with Charlie. She told me you had an episode she called it, the very same night. Kaley woke her and she found you passed out in the hallway, you said you had a headache and were trying to make it to the bathroom but you exerted yourself too much and blacked out.”

  “I didn’t remember any of that at the time but Michael, the dream, I had the same dream too, though there was more to it than that. Victor, he pointed at you and he said “I haven’t forgotten.” What does that mean Michael?”

  “It was just a dream, we,” he kissed my temple, “we shared a dream that is all,” he didn’t sound convincing. “Are you sleepy,” suddenly I was very sleepy, my eyes heavy, my body relaxed.

  “Wait, no, I know what you’re doing Michael! Please don’t. Not yet.”

  “It’s safer Elayna, safer for you to be Lily. I can’t be in your thoughts.”

  “No! You can’t keep taking this away from me, you have no right! I won’t let you!” I tried to rise up, to run away but he quickly blocked my escape. He held me to his chest as I vainly attempted to push him away from me and tried to shut my mind to him.

  “Please don’t fight me,” he coaxed. “It has to be this way. I don’t want to hurt you but if you won’t let me, if you force me to do this it will.”

  I looked up and saw how grief stricken he was. He took my face in his hands and brushed the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs.

  I sighed and clenched my jaw and tried to force a wall up around my mind, “I love you,” I said believing that he was lying and would never hurt me.

  “Elayna, please, don’t make me do this.”

  I was trembling and begging, pleading with my eyes for him not to take my memories again. As I closed my mind to him Michael seized me by the shoulders and in an instant he was not Michael, the man I loved but someone else, something else. I was paralyzed as he sunk into my neck. Instantly I understood why he was so angry with me. He was afraid of what he would become if I was not with him, reminding him, helping him to be strong. I saw Brenda from the ballet and the horror he felt at what he had done to her all those years ago when I left him.

  “Oh, what have I done? I’m sorry Michael, it’s my fault,” I whispered, “I’m sorry, I love you, come back, oh, please come back.”

  It seemed too late, though, our connection, it was unwinding, faster and faster, leaving me and tangling itself around Michael. I imagined myself grabbing it and pulling it back but it was slipping and I was slipping, falling into some unimaginably deep abyss.

  “Michael,” I faintly heard someone scream as the door burst open. A massive bundle of fur toppled us, growling and snapping at Michael. Kaley had his arm in a death grip and was yanking him away from me.

  He let go of my shoulders and I fell to the floor. Michael turned in instant awareness and surveyed the damage that he had done.

  “Mother, I,” he sunk to his knees.

  Margaret rushed to wh
ere I was laying and checked my pulse and my breathing. “She’s still alive, oh, thank God, she is still alive. Go, Michael, go!!”

  He didn’t know what to do. He crawled to where Margaret and I were sprawled on the floor. She was looking at him with tears streaming down her face, “Michael, you have to go, now!!”

  He took his fingertip and made a little gnash in it. He smoothed a drop of blood over the punctures in my neck and they immediately begin to heal and seal themselves back up. He absently wiped the blood away.

  Margaret was awestruck and helplessly watched until Michael tried to put his fingertip to my lips. “No,” she shouted and grabbed his wrist. “I won’t let you! She’s had enough of you!!”

  Michael drew away from us and before anyone could see in which direction he went he was gone.

  Chapter 16

  Margaret looked up and saw Danielle standing in the doorway. She motioned her to come in. “Please help me get her to bed.”

  “I heard Kaley, what happened?”

  Margaret tried to hide her fear and wondered how much Dani might have seen or heard, “Kaley was just trying to wake me; she was worried about Lily. Sometimes Lily gets migraines, some residual damage from the crash and if she exerts herself, she blacks out.”

  Danielle nodded, “Oh, how sad,” she was clearly satisfied with the explanation.

  They piled me into bed and Margaret tucked the covers all around me. “She’ll be alright Danielle, she just needs to rest.”

  Danielle was staring at me in concern, “She never told me,” she said.

  “I don’t think she remembers, once she comes to it’s like it never happened and she is completely unaware.”

  “Wow,” Danielle shook her head in disbelief. “I’m so sorry Margaret, I feel so badly for her now.”

  “Don’t, please, it will only upset her. I have tried to give her a good life, a happy life, not a life of pity and regret.”

  “I understand,” Dani said and reached out to squeeze Margaret’s hand.