Sanctuary Lost

by Moira Rogers

  “Maybe, once I get a chance to figure all those things out, we can compare notes.” Joe studied Dylan and sighed. “I’m not one of those bastards who doesn’t care about that stuff, you know. When she’s out of danger…”

  “You’ll take care of her.” Dylan’s smile looked forced, but at least the confidence in his voice wasn’t feigned. “I haven’t spent a lot of time trusting my instincts, but right now they say that she’s safe with you. I guess I need to learn how to listen.”

  “You don’t have to worry so much about Brynn anymore.” Dylan seemed reluctant to give up his role as Brynn’s protector, but he also seemed weary, and Joe wanted to put him at ease. “You’re her friend, so you’re not going to stop worrying completely. I get that. But you don’t need to beat yourself down over it, either.”

  “Yeah. Guess not.” Dylan jerked the door open with another fake smile that made it clear Joe had said the wrong fucking thing. “See you around.”

  Trying to explain would just make it worse, so Joe nodded. “Yeah, Dylan. See you around.”

  The door had barely clicked shut behind Dylan when Joe heard noise from his bedroom, the rustle of sheets followed by Brynn’s bare feet against the hardwood floor.

  He made it to the bedroom door and steeled himself against the wide, lost look in her eyes. “Are you hungry?” He just had to focus on getting through the days one step at a time. He could do that for her, and a regular interval of meals could help. “Dylan brought some food.”

  “He was here? I thought I heard…” She tilted her head to the side. “It wasn’t a sound. It was…a feeling?”

  Joe nodded. “You’ll learn to recognize people that way. You’ll pick it up fast.”

  “It felt weird.” Her stomach rumbled, and she sighed and wrapped her hands around her body. “I’m hungry. Again.”

  “Come here.” He held out one hand.

  She came into his arms slowly, almost shyly, but her body melted against his with a perfect trust that was alarming, if only because of the tenderness it evoked. “The fridge is stuffed with casseroles.”

  “This is the Midwest.” Her voice was a sleepy mumble, half-muffled by his T-shirt. “The fridge is stuffed with hotdishes.”

  “Sorry, but I’m not saying that word.”

  “Don’t care if you say it as long as I get to eat.”

  I can help her through this. The words echoed in his head, a mantra, as if the repetition alone could make them truth. I can do this.

  Chapter Nine

  Joe tossed the last of the marinated meat onto the grill. “That’s it. We finish these up, and we’ll have enough to feed an army.” Or Brynn, at least.

  Keith leaned back against the old picnic table next to the sizable stack of food that had already finished cooking. “Sam said she’d drop off some more stuff anyway. I don’t think she trusts us to provide Brynn with a balanced diet.”

  Joe managed a laugh, even through his haze of exhaustion. Just keeping Brynn functional over the last few days had drained him. “I don’t blame her. We just keep throwing steak at her.”

  “How is she, Joe? The human part, I mean?”

  “Getting better.” The words sounded bleak, he knew, but he couldn’t help it. “I don’t know. A transformation on the night of the full moon? Christ. I didn’t know it could happen.”

  “Because it’s not supposed to happen.” Keith sounded every bit as weary, and he looked it. He rubbed at his stubbled chin and sighed. “I saw it a couple times in Europe. A witch tried to explain it to me, once. Something about the changes taking place over time, and the longer a person has between their exposure and the first change, the easier it goes. I guess that’s why we always do the ritual on the night after the full moon for people making the change. I just…never thought about it before.”

  “I asked Gavin about it a long time ago.” Joe dropped the tongs on the table beside his barbecue pit. “He said no one could survive the trauma of it.”

  “Well, hate to disparage our fearless leader, but he was obviously wrong.”

  Joe closed his eyes and fought for breath. “I don’t think he meant death, Keith. There are worse—” There are worse things.

  Keith’s hand landed on Joe’s shoulder. “She’s strong, Joe, but not so strong that she’ll fight the wolf, and maybe that’s good for her. She may be a little wild for a few weeks, but if she couldn’t submit, the wolf would break her.”

  He could only hope that keeping her on an even keel wouldn’t kill him. “How’s Abby making out?”

  “Better, I guess.” Keith didn’t have to point out that better didn’t mean much. “The alphas met again last night, and I brought her with me this time.”

  Joe’s heart skipped painfully. “How many of them have changed their minds since the attack?” Since Brynn became one of you and finally worthy of notice, you hypocritical bastards?

  It took too long for Keith to answer. When he did, his voice sounded carefully flat. “Everyone but Mary.”

  Joe should have been angry. Instead, his exhaustion sharpened. “Figures. Now Brynn’s real competition. Mary wouldn’t like that.”

  “Mary’s going to have to live with it. Even she’s not stupid enough to go up against Gavin and Sam, so Brynn’s safe from challenges as long as she’s in her Initiation.”

  Keith didn’t seem to realize that crazy, not stupid, was Mary’s problem. “How’d Abby handle Mary’s dissent?”

  “Jesus.” Keith rubbed his hand over his face again. “For a second I thought I was going to have to haul her off Mary. Abby doesn’t seem concerned with the fact that the crazy bitch has been a wolf for fifty years and change. My sweet little girlfriend made it pretty clear that if Mary so much as looks at Brynn funny, shit is going down.”

  “I’ve said it before, and it still stands. You’ve got your hands full there.” But Mary wouldn’t hurt Brynn, even without Abby’s interference. She wouldn’t dare. “I’m not worried about the physical shit anyway. She’s…fragile.”

  “Fragile?”

  Barely hanging on to her humanity. “She’s had a hard time.”

  “How are you doing?” Keith asked quietly. “Do you need some help? My energy’s running low with Abby to contend with, but there are others who can help you. Sam and Gavin. They could try to ease some of the strain for a few hours so this shit doesn’t kill you.”

  Joe found himself loath to let anyone else shoulder Brynn’s burden. “She’s my responsibility, Keith. I’ll take care of her.”

  Keith’s quiet growl held more than a little challenge. “Yeah, you’ll be all sorts of useful to her if you’re dead from exhaustion.”

  The challenge didn’t faze him, which scared him. Drawing away the worst of Brynn’s panic and stress had left him weaker than he wanted to admit. “I promise I’ll let you know if it gets too bad, Dad.”

  His friend just grunted and jerked his head toward the grill. “Your steaks are going to burn.”

  “Well-done’s not so bad.” Joe flipped them over and drained his beer. “How’s Sasha?”

  “Afraid to poke her head out of Sam and Gavin’s house.” Keith sounded resigned. “I don’t know if she’ll be able to get over what’s happened, honestly. And a town full of werewolves isn’t where she needs to be, but what the fuck else can we do with her?”

  “Nothing.” The coals flamed up, and Joe grabbed Keith’s beer and poured it over the grill rack. “I think Dylan was going to see if he could help out. Might be good for both of them.”

  “Yeah, maybe. Sasha likes Sam, but Sam’s got stuff to do. She can’t babysit all day.” Keith pushed off the table and reached out. “Why don’t you let me finish this up. Go curl up with Brynn and relax while she’s still sleeping.”

  His cabin was dark and silent as Joe walked to the bedroom, but he didn’t need to see to find his way. Brynn was already stirring under the covers, and he lay down behind her, one arm around her waist as he leaned in to her warmth. “Go back to sleep.”

&n
bsp; She mumbled something unintelligible and snuggled into his embrace. “I was dreaming about you.”

  He smiled against her hair. “Something good, I hope, and really dirty.”

  “Mmm. So dirty I don’t think I can say it out loud without blushing.” She slid her hand over his and twined their fingers together. “It’s easier tonight. Thinking like a person, I mean.”

  Relief washed through him. “Good. I’m glad.”

  “Yeah.” She rubbed her thumb along his finger in a nervous gesture. “I have to ask you something, Joe. Something kind of serious.”

  It might have concerned him if the last week hadn’t been so insane already. “What is it?”

  It seemed to take forever for her to find the words. “It’s the power stuff. The domination in bed I can handle. The urge might be a little more extreme now, but it’s always been something I kind of liked…”

  “But you’re worried about everything else. Outside of the bedroom.”

  “I do everything you say. Everything, Joe. It’s not like…I’m scared, or I do it because I think I should.” Her fingers tightened on his hand. “I don’t even think, and that’s the scary part.”

  “It’ll get better when the bond is released,” he assured her. “But it won’t ever go away, Brynn. Not really. It’s instinct. It’ll happen with Gavin and Sam, and with Keith and Abby. The stronger wolves.”

  “So I’m…weak?”

  There was no more delicate way to put it. “You’re in the middle, I guess. Kind of like Dylan.”

  Brynn rolled away from him and lifted her head, and fear trembled down the bond between them. “I’m not sure I’m okay with having no will of my own.”

  “I didn’t say that,” he protested. “I said instinct is going to tell you to submit. You don’t have to. Hell, Keith and I buck Gavin’s orders all the time.”

  “But you just said you and Keith are strong.”

  “Not as strong as Gavin.” He lifted himself on one elbow and stared at Brynn. “Everything about this is relative. Around some wolves, you’re going to feel strong. You’re going to know you’re alpha. Around others, not so much.”

  He could feel her wolf, sleepy but interested, and she barely seemed to notice the way her body shifted closer to him again. “So I’ll be able to fight it, later?”

  “It depends, some. On who you’re fighting, and what it’s about.”

  She reached out and traced her fingers over his stomach, her touch warm even through his shirt. “What if it’s you?”

  I don’t know. “It should get better after a while. Maybe even more once the bond is dissolved.”

  She grasped his shirt as she shifted and pressed her cheek against his shoulder. “I’ve been playing the game for so long I’d almost forgotten it was all an act.”

  Joe felt like he should have known what she meant, but he had no clue. “The submissive thing, you mean?”

  “Being tough. Being a leader.” She turned her face until her words were muffled against his chest. “I got so good at pretending. At faking it. Now I can’t hide it anymore, and I feel sort of naked.”

  “Nothing like the change to strip all that stuff away.” He stroked her hair. “But the truth will be good too. It’ll be you.”

  “Whoever that is.” Her laugh sounded a little scared. “Let’s hope you still like her. From the way Mary was staring me down, I’m pretty sure she’s convinced I don’t deserve you already.”

  Telling Brynn the truth about Mary didn’t seem like such a good idea. “That’s a long, stupid story. I’ll tell you sometime over beers.”

  He could tell he’d said the wrong thing when she stiffened slightly. With her face hidden, all he had to go on was the tense fear echoing through the magic between them. But her response was bland and toneless. “Okay.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that.” He wasn’t sure what that was, but it couldn’t be good.

  She rolled away from him, coming to her knees with an easy grace she hadn’t possessed a few days ago. For several moments she stared at him, looking wild with nothing but her tousled hair covering her naked body.

  When she finally spoke, her voice was a low, hoarse whisper. “Do you want someone like her? Someone strong?”

  “God, no. Christ, Brynn, Mary is the last thing I would want. She’s strong, but she gets off on bossing people around. It’s a power trip for her.”

  The fear in her eyes didn’t clear. “Gavin and Keith have strong women.”

  “Gavin and Keith have chosen mates.” The words slipped out before he could stop them. “Shit, I didn’t mean that, either—”

  “Yes, you did.” Her gaze dropped to his chest as she inched back and slipped from the bed, every movement careful, a terrified, submissive wolf trying to escape.

  Chasing would only make her bolt. “Look, you’ve got to give me a few days to wrap my head around it. That’s all I meant.”

  She shook her head and continued to back up until she hit the wall. “It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have—I don’t know why I said that.”

  “Hey.” He patted the bed. “Come on. Don’t run off.”

  “I can’t move,” she whispered, sounding torn between fear and embarrassment. “She won’t let me.”

  Joe sighed. “Brynn. Come here.”

  She made it two steps forward before her body went rigid. A low, terrified whimper escaped her, and it sounded more wolf than human.

  He couldn’t make her come to him, not when she seemed truly petrified, so he rolled off the bed. “I’m going back out to help Keith.”

  He was almost to the door when she turned her head to look at him, her gaze falling somewhere near his shoulder. “I just need a little bit. Could you—could you stay inside? In case I need help?”

  He barely bit back a snarl. “I’ll be in the kitchen.”

  She didn’t move as he walked out and closed the door carefully behind him. Then again, he hadn’t expected her to.

  Brynn had never felt anything as awful as having the wolf inside her fight tooth and nail against what the woman wanted. Tears stung her eyes as she heard Joe’s footsteps in the kitchen, but the wolf wouldn’t let her go after him. All the wolf wanted to do was hide.

  She ended up in the corner behind the bed, huddled with her back against the wall and her arms wrapped around her legs. Joe’s scent, which had been such a comfort before, now made her fidget uncomfortably.

  It was almost impossible to decipher where the wolf’s feelings began and hers ended. The embarrassment—humiliation—that had to be hers. After a week of casual flirting and a few rounds of sex, she’d compared their relationship to that of a husband and wife married forty years or more. It took crazy stalker girlfriend to a level she wasn’t entirely comfortable with.

  But the wolf…

  Brynn still didn’t know how to interpret the wild feelings coming from the intruder inside her. Fear was too simple a descriptor. The wolf wasn’t scared of Joe. She was just scared. Scared because the world that had been safe and secure had turned cold and hostile when the strong mate she’d chosen had rejected her.

  Which was stupid. Joe hadn’t rejected her. Them. He hadn’t rejected the wolf, and he certainly hadn’t rejected the woman. But while Brynn understood Joe’s calm, rational words as the only sensible thing he could have said, the wolf had taken them as a withdrawal of his affection. Of his protection.

  Trapped between conflicting reactions, she’d made a fool of herself and probably enraged Joe in the process. His words hadn’t been a rejection, but she wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to distance himself from her.

  Except he wouldn’t. She knew that as clearly as she knew anything. After what his Guide had done to him, Joe would suffer whatever insanity she put him through. He might hate her by the time it was over, but he’d help her anyway.

  She didn’t want him to hate her. As uncomfortable as she was with her sudden urge to submit to him out of bed, the sex they’d had since her change had been addictiv
e in its giddy pleasure. It was the only time the wolf rested inside her, the only time she wanted the same things that her crazy new instincts demanded.

  Almost the only time. Sleeping in his arms soothed her too. The warmth and safety, the peace—she needed them now. She needed him now.

  The wolf cringed and whimpered at the thought. Brynn closed her eyes, dragged in a deep breath, and told the wolf to go to hell.

  Silence from the wolf. Feeling a little more confident, she uncurled her body and rose, first to her knees and then to her feet. The wolf whimpered again, and Brynn hissed as the urge to drop back to the floor washed over her.

  No. She ignored the increasing discomfort from her angry instincts, suddenly pleased that her wolf wasn’t as strong as Abby’s. She could vaguely recall Keith talking about how hard it had been for Abby at first, with so much strength inside her that controlling it had been nearly impossible.

  So she wasn’t as strong. But she was stubborn. Three steps took her to the end of the bed, and she found one of Joe’s discarded T-shirts that smelled strongly of him. The wolf grew edgy as she pulled it over her head, tense and nervous as yearning battled with fear. The fear would do her no good, but the yearning… I can work with that.

  Stubbornness carried her out into the kitchen, where she found Joe putting together a salad. He looked up, his expression guarded. “Hi.”

  “Hi.” She made it to within arm’s reach of him before the wolf’s nervousness overrode her ability to ignore it. She stopped and fought the instinctive urge to keep her eyes lowered, instead lifting her gaze to his. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how to control her.”

  Joe wiped his hands on a kitchen towel and opened his arms to her. “Come here, Brynn.”

  It was gentle, and she used the wolf’s quiet longing to close the distance between them. “She’s so scared. I don’t know how to make it stop.”

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered as he folded his arms around her. “I wish I knew.”

  She closed her eyes and let her forehead rest against his shoulder. “I know this isn’t a fair thing to ask, but I need to know where I stand. Because the wolf thing… It’s new to me. And all the possessive, hot sex is obviously giving me confusing feelings that I shouldn’t have. So maybe I shouldn’t be having it anymore until I can keep her separate from me.”