Sanctuary Lost

by Moira Rogers

  He snorted. “Doesn’t quite work that way, sweetheart. She is you.”

  The thought hadn’t even occurred to her. The wolf felt like such a stranger that it was hard to imagine they would ever coexist peacefully, much less be one creature. “I guess this is why you don’t guide people you’re involved with, huh?” She meant it as a calm observation, but it came out trembling and hopeless.

  “I don’t do it because it’s hard as hell,” he said softly. “No matter how much you want to do it.”

  She shivered and pressed closer to him. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to do this. It’s the one thing you didn’t want to do.”

  “Nothing has gone quite like we planned, Brynn, but I guess that’s life.”

  “Is it?” Brynn tilted her head back and lifted her gaze to his. “Is this life now? Fighting everything inside me because it’s wrong?”

  His eyes darkened. “You’ll figure out the answer to that, maybe, when you stop fighting yourself.”

  Oh, that’s rich. She jerked away from him, battling her sudden rise of anger. “Well, that’s not exactly going to work, is it? Because everything I’m fighting is everything you said you couldn’t handle.”

  Her own anger was reflected in him. “Maybe by the time you get it figured out, I’ll have my shit figured out. Did that occur to you?”

  The wolf begged her to stop, show submission in the face of an angry alpha who could snap her in two without thought. Her knees started to buckle under the force of the need, but she backed up until she hit the table and reached back to brace her hands against it. “Fine. So how am I supposed to give you space?”

  “You’re not.” Some of his anger faded and he looked a little lost. “Just don’t expect me to have all the answers. This is a crazy situation, and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

  “So just leave,” she whispered. “Go take a break. Go help Keith or…go to the bar. Or anything.” She put every scrap of practice into the lie that followed. “I’ll be fine.”

  “Right.” He walked out the back door without a backward glance, leaving the half-prepared salad on the counter.

  Putting the food away gave her something to do to try to quell the frantic fear hammering at her self-control. The world felt out of focus, the colors too sharp and bright and even the sound of the rumbling fridge motor was too loud. She hadn’t realized how much Joe’s presence had helped until it was gone.

  The first hint of pain twisted inside her abdomen, and she remembered Abby’s description of how it felt when the change tried to claim her against her will.

  “No,” she whispered, addressing the wolf who struggled to break free. The pain intensified, and she heard the faint sound of the bowl in her hand hitting the counter. She ignored it, backing up until she bumped into the fridge and letting her body slide to the floor.

  She could call for Joe and he’d be back in a heartbeat. He might come back anyway if he felt her pain. But she didn’t want him to come back. She didn’t want to need him—not for this. Not if she wanted to be something more than a burden he couldn’t handle.

  She wanted that. She could pretend all day that the wolf was the only one wounded by his quick denial of what was happening between them, but it would be a lie. It had been a lie, one she’d told herself and one she’d told him.

  So stop lying and pull yourself together.

  Oddly enough, the pain eased when she admitted the truth to herself. She tried it again, out loud. “I want Joe in a creepily permanent fashion.”

  No longer alone in her craving, the wolf settled. It gave Brynn a chance to close her eyes and focus on breathing, on calming the wild anger inside her.

  She wanted Joe. But she didn’t want a twisted relationship where she cringed in fear every time he was angry, or had to fight the urge to roll over submissively and do whatever he wanted.

  Somehow she had to accept the wild creature inside her as a part of her, another facet of who she was. Fighting with herself made her weak, but embracing the wolf…

  Now I just have to figure out how.

  Chapter Ten

  Gavin lit his cigarette and flashed Joe a sympathetic look. “Sam’ll be out as soon as she gets Abby settled in with Sasha.”

  “It’ll be good for Abby to have something to do,” Keith murmured. “She’s been fretting, but I don’t think it’d be good for Brynn to have her around. Or good for Abby to be around.”

  Joe rubbed a hand over his face. “All I know is I’m exhausted, and I have no idea how to help Brynn right now.”

  Gavin looked pensive. “Neither do I. The only wolves like her I’ve ever seen were accidents. Flukes who all went moon-mad.”

  “It happens without a witch.” Keith hesitated, his eyes focused on something past Joe. “Not all of the wolves in Europe run with the packs. Some of them are humans who were turned on the night of the full moon. Not on purpose, because the wolves never expected them to survive. But the witches can save some of them. It’s where I got the idea for the alliance—the wolves who live with the witches.”

  Joe’s hands tightened into fists, and he concentrated on relaxing them. “Does that mean Sasha will have to help me, or Brynn will end up feral no matter what I do?”

  “No! No, they just need the witch to get through the change. But afterwards… Brynn’s already doing better than I’d expected, but both of the wolves I met in Europe were subordinates. Weak. Brynn’s tough.”

  “She’s just so goddamned worried about everything, and I can’t seem to say the right thing.”

  Gavin clapped Joe on the shoulder. “All you have to do is get through it. You and Brynn will both be stronger.”

  “Talk to the wolf,” Keith said suddenly, the words typically cryptic. His gaze jerked to Joe’s face, and he elaborated. “She may not be feral, but that’s only because she learned how to be stubborn from Abby. If she’s anything like the other ones, the wolf’s a heartbeat away from taking control all the time.”

  He knew as much from his own experience. It took every bit of his energy just to keep Brynn’s wolf in check most of the time. “Gavin, if I can’t—”

  “You will,” his alpha interrupted. “You will for Brynn.”

  For Brynn. “Okay.”

  Gravel crunched under a booted foot, the only noise that signaled Sam’s arrival. She strode past her husband and past Keith, stopping instead in front of Joe. She lifted her hands and caught his face between them, her eyes studying his for several seconds. “You can do this, Joe. I’ve seen what’s inside you.”

  What was inside him at the moment felt like a scared, damaged young wolf and a man who’d spent too long alone. “Yes, ma’am.”

  “No, not ‘yes, ma’am’.” Her fingers tightened a little. “We understand what they don’t, Joe. We understand what it’s like to come into this life the hard way. That’s why we’re so damn scrappy, sweetie.”

  He swallowed convulsively. “I don’t feel so scrappy right now, Sam. I’m just tired.”

  “I know, honey.” She pulled back and braced her hands on her hips. “Have you been taking care of yourself at all? When’s the last time you ate?”

  He’d been very careful about not skipping meals, mostly because preparing them was one of the few things left that still grounded him. “I had lunch earlier this afternoon. I’m sleeping too.”

  “He’s a big boy, Sam,” Keith drawled, earning a sharp look. “Well, he is.”

  “I don’t think there’s anything to be done about it,” Gavin observed, his face somber. “You just have to make it through this, Joe. Hopefully, it’ll get easier.”

  “I’ll talk to Sasha tonight,” Sam promised. “Maybe there’s something else she can do to help.”

  Joe had thought of it, but remembering the girl’s shocked, scared eyes had kept him from talking to her. “How’s she doing?”

  “Honestly? I keep expecting to find her barricaded in my closet.”

  The guilt that assailed him was ridiculous, and he k
new it. “I shouldn’t have run that night. I should have stayed with them.”

  “Oh, is that the way it is?” Sam leaned forward again, her face close to his. “Then shovel that blame where it belongs, kiddo. Because I should have killed him back when you were still in diapers.”

  “Sammie.” Gavin’s face hardened, and he stepped forward. “Stop it. We all feel that way.”

  Joe chanced a look and saw Sam’s guilt reflected in Keith’s eyes. “I wasn’t even talking about Matthews,” he asserted. “I just meant… Hell, I don’t know what I meant.”

  “It’s insane,” Sam said. “It’s fucking insane to imagine someone would risk violating our borders on the night of the full moon, with some of the strongest alphas in the country here. No one can predict madness, Joe.”

  Keith nodded. “He’s been smart until now, or he’d never have survived this long. There was no reason to assume he’d do something like this. But now we know…” His friend’s expression looked frighteningly fierce. “He’s got to be put down. I doubt anyone will disagree.”

  Joe rubbed his eyes again. “The question is how.”

  “No, the question is when.” Keith’s hand fell on his shoulder, a warm, comforting weight that came with the feeling of pack.

  Sam nodded her agreement. “Go get some rest. You boys are starting to look a little ragged around the edges. Pretty soon Brynn and Abby won’t want you in their beds.”

  Joe forced a smile. Sam had no way of knowing Brynn already wanted him as far away from her as possible. “We wouldn’t want that.”

  She studied him for a moment, looking as if she didn’t quite buy his words. Then she jerked her head toward the porch door. “I cooked some food for you two. Why don’t you come get it before you leave?”

  “Thanks, Sam.”

  He and Keith headed for the house, but Gavin stopped Joe with a hand on his arm. “You know what you need to do, Joe.”

  He did, but still he hesitated. “I don’t know if I can. I really don’t.”

  “You will,” Gavin insisted, echoing his earlier words. “You will, because you’re not going to bail on Brynn when things get tough. You’re not going to do to her what Tamara did to you.”

  Joe’s chest ached at the thought. “Yes, sir. I understand.”

  “No, you don’t.” Gavin’s expression grew dark. “You’re not going to do it because I tell you to. You’re going to do it because you love her.”

  Keith nearly choked. Sam just sighed and gave her husband an annoyed look. “I was going to do that in the kitchen, Gavin. With a little more subtlety and without the audience.”

  “No time for subtlety, Sammie. I’m getting too old for it, anyway.”

  Joe finally found his voice, but he chose to ignore Gavin’s words. “I’ll handle things. You can both count on me.”

  “We know.” Sam looked at Keith, and something in her eyes brought him to his feet without hesitation. “Round up Abby and take her home to rest. There’s a picnic basket on the table for you two, too. Olivia even made cookies.”

  Keith’s smile was wan. “Tell her thanks, Sam.”

  Joe followed Sam and Gavin into the kitchen, but his thoughts were centered on Brynn. He had to find a way to get past her confusion and fear as well as his own anxieties, or he was going to lose her.

  He found Brynn dozing on the couch, still wearing one of his discarded T-shirts and nothing else. He tried to shut the door without waking her, but her head jerked up and she turned to look at him with naked relief. “Hi.”

  The pain and guilt that had gripped him earlier rushed back. “Hi. Did you get some rest?”

  “A little.” She rose to her knees and held on to the back of the couch. “I was worried about you.”

  “No need to be. Just met up at Gavin and Sam’s to talk over some stuff. Mostly about finding someone to help Sasha.”

  “Oh.” Her gaze dropped, down and a bit to the side, but she didn’t seem aware of the subtle show of submission. “Is she okay?”

  “Still scared.” He walked into the kitchen and pulled a bottle of beer from the refrigerator. “Want one?”

  She settled back against the couch. “I don’t think I should.”

  It obviously hadn’t yet occurred to her that the change could have affected her alcohol tolerance. “You could probably drink a frat house under the table now, Brynn. Do you want a beer?”

  “Okay.”

  He popped the top of a bottle for her, as well, and handed it to her as he dropped beside her. “They’re going to ask Dylan to help Sasha. Maybe he won’t be as intimidating as your sister.”

  “Dylan’s really good at being soothing.” She picked at the edge of the label on her beer and didn’t look at him. “I’m sorry. For upsetting you. I’m trying.”

  His stomach twisted, but he resisted the urge to reach out to her. “No. It wasn’t your fault, Brynn. You—hell, you’ve been through some drastic shit these last few weeks. I don’t even have an excuse.”

  She didn’t even seem to hear him. “My whole life it’s been about control. I always know what to say and when to say it, but now everything I think and feel comes tumbling out of my mouth. I’m sort of scared shitless of that.”

  “Can’t say I really know what that’s like. I started off pretty crass, and none of that has really changed.”

  Her nail scratched against the glass bottle as she continued to worry at the label. “I just wish there was one thing that hadn’t changed. One thing I could hold on to.”

  “You’ll find something.” He didn’t even know if it was true, but it was all he could say. “Everything can’t be different.”

  “I guess not.” She finally looked at him with a wary, tired smile. “I mean, I still want to do kinky things to you.”

  She sounded like she was trying too hard to make it a joke. Instead, her words brought Gavin’s declaration rushing back. Did he love her? He wanted her to be happy, safe. His. He wanted it in a way that was new to him. Now she was testing him, and he knew he was closer than he thought to losing her.

  But love? He didn’t have the slightest damn idea what that was. Tamara had made sure to inform him of that when she’d left. He couldn’t really chalk her words up to anger or hurt, because she’d left her pack, her life, just to be free of him as soon as possible, and none of the women he’d had since had wanted anything more than a convenient night in his bed.

  He could take Gavin’s words as truth and tell Brynn he loved her. But he didn’t want to say that to her unless he knew. So he leaned over and slid his hand around the back of her neck. “I don’t want anything kinky. I just want you.”

  She tensed under his hand, so nervous she trembled a little. “If I give in to her, it won’t just be sex, Joe. I don’t know what it is, but I know it’s not just sex.”

  She didn’t move, so he lifted her over onto his lap. Her knees dug into the couch as he framed her face and kissed her forehead, her nose and finally her mouth. “Not just sex, Brynn. I know. Me either.”

  Her lips crushed against his, her teeth scoring his lower lip as she kissed him hard. Power rose around them, a tingle of magic, and Brynn groaned into his mouth and bit his lip again.

  Some of the strain inside him eased as she stopped fighting and gave in. Her need raged across the bond between them, driving his own desire higher. Joe pushed his hands under the T-shirt she wore as his tongue pushed into her mouth, and he groaned when she rocked down against him, her hips settling in to a slow, taunting grind.

  Brynn grabbed his shirt as she tore her lips from his. The fabric ripped easily under her hands and she let out a breathless laugh as she dragged her fingernails down his chest. “Oh, she likes you.”

  “You knew that already,” Joe whispered hoarsely. He dragged the T-shirt over her head and slid one hand up her back, pressing her close to his chest. “Show me how much.”

  She yanked his head back, and he felt her breath on his neck as her other hand squirmed between them. She licked his
pulse with a moan and worked her hand lower until her fingers brushed his cock.

  Her body tensed, then rocked as she ground down against her own hand. “I want you so much I’m going to get myself off in about ten seconds just thinking about it, unless you stop me.” Then her teeth closed on his neck.

  He shuddered and gritted his teeth as pleasure shot through him. “Why would I want to stop you?” His arms held her tightly as he rose from the sofa and headed for the bedroom. “Go ahead and get yourself off. I’ll watch and help.”

  “Yeah?” She bit him again and dragged her tongue over the spot with a soft growl. “Maybe I want you to stop me.”

  “Do you?” He pressed her to the wall just inside the bedroom door and angled his hips until he could grasp her wrists and drag them up over her head. “Like that?”

  “Hot,” she whispered, her tone hoarse and breathless. She wiggled her hips a little, grinding against his cock, and her body felt hot even through the rough denim of his jeans. “So now do I get to see what you kinky Special Forces werewolves like?”

  The idea seemed to excite her, so he turned and dropped her on the bed. “Yeah.” His bedside drawer stuck, and a quick yank pulled it free of the table and sent silk and condoms flying across the floor. “Shit.”

  She was on her knees before the sound of the drawer hitting the hardwood floor had faded, her fingers around his belt-buckle. “Naked. You need to be naked.”

  “I was getting around to it.” He caught her hands. “Get back on the bed.”

  It was an order, and she followed it without question. She stretched out on her back and ran one hand over her stomach as she watched him. “You’re missing out. That would have been a hell of a blowjob.”

  Joe flashed her a slow grin. “Plenty of time for hot blowjobs later.” He snagged a few of the scarves and lifted her arms over her head. “You’ll be able to tear through these, so you’ll have to be careful not to.”