Save Me

by Alexandra Page

  “You’re sobbing, Ellie, and it’s my fault. How does that not make me an idiot?” he asks, his tone laced with regret as he strokes my hair.

  I pull away from my hiding place in his neck. “I’m not crying...because you upset me. I’m crying because you’re...so sweet to me.” I sniffle and reach for a tissue on the table beside us.

  “What?”

  I actually giggle through my tears, he looks and sounds so confused. “I know I can cry and you won’t judge me. You don’t like me to, but you hold me, and let me get it all out. It’s been so long since I’ve had anyone—”

  “Oh, okay,” he rushes out. He must have known what I was going to say, so he stopped me from having to. He kisses my forehead, and starts rubbing my neck again. I relax against him, and we sit quietly enjoying being close.

  “Thank you for not seeing me as a freak,” I whisper after a few minutes.

  He squeezes me, letting out a small sigh. “Look at me.”

  I sit up, but I have to force myself to keep eye contact with him. The look he’s giving me now is worse than his puppy one. If I didn’t know better I would swear it’s love I can see in them, but that’s impossible.

  “Nik, you can’t look at me like that, and not expect me to cry,” I whimper.

  “What?” he asks again, tilting his head and frowning. “However I’m looking at you, the last thing I want is to make you cry, Ellie.”

  “I know,” I sigh. “You…never mind. Did you want to say something?” I ask, trying to move us along.

  “Yes. I wanted you to know you are not a freak. Not even close,” he says, reaching up and brushing some of my hair behind my ear. “You’re just sad, and you have more right than anyone to be. There’s no shame in it,” he whispers.

  I try to swallow the lump in my throat, and look down at my lap. “I know I’m broken.”

  He lifts my face up with his fingers under my chin. “You’re beautiful, Ellie, not broken. I don’t mean your face or your body either, even though they most certainly are,” he says with a small smile. “I mean here.” He ghosts one fingertip over the skin above my heart. “You’re complicated and beautiful, like a pretty necklace all tangled up. I’ve never been so mesmerized by anyone before. I want to pull apart all your knots, to see and know every part of you, even the scars you have. Especially them.”

  I stare at him speechless for several seconds before I find my voice. “Why would you—”

  He puts a finger over my lips. “Because it’s all part of what made you who you are. All of it made you strong. Do you even realize how strong you are?” he asks. “You’re stronger than anyone I know. I seriously doubt I would’ve survived what you have. Despite all you’ve been through, you’re still here and your heart is pure, Ellie. Whether that’s who you’ve always been, or because of all you’ve suffered, it’s amazing. You’re amazing. You may have a few cracks, but last I checked, everyone does. And, Ellie, cracks can be filled.”

  I again stare back at him in bewilderment, feeling a rather large amount of doubt that he’s even real, not to mention his words. I think I know what he’s trying to tell me, but I can’t believe it’s me he’s telling it to. He must see the uncertainty on my face because he tries to kiss it away, his lips pressing into my wrinkled brow.

  “You told me a week ago that I saved you. I didn’t save you, Ellie. You didn’t need saving. You had already saved yourself before I ever met you. I don’t need to be your hero, I just want to be with you. Not this avoidance thing we’ve been doing all week though. I’m sorry for my part in that, by the way.”

  I manage a small smile. “Me, too.”

  He smiles back at me, then looks down at the ends of my hair while he plays with them. “I know I’m not much, but you don’t have to be alone anymore. Not if you don’t want to. I know we’ve spent the last two weeks together, but you still don’t know me that well, but I want you to,” he says, his voice slightly nervous.

  “I want to know you, Nik. It terrifies me, but God help me, I do,” I admit, my voice quivering. Where my sudden dose of bravery came from I’ll never know, but I’m glad it showed up, because his face lights up with the most precious smile before he leans close, and kisses me softly on the lips. Even though my heart is threatening to pound its way through my chest I kiss him back, pressing my lips firmer against his.

  I’ve never experienced a kiss any sweeter than this one. His warm lips are so slow and tender as they explore mine, softly grazing and pulling at my eager ones while his hand is buried in the hair at the back of my neck gently holding me in place. Right before I start to kiss him deeper, he pulls away breathing hard. I want to whimper, but I control myself. He leans his forehead against mine for a few breaths then straightens up to look at me again. His eyes hold promise in them this time.

  “I want to be with you, not fix you or save you. I want to watch you live again, and be there to maybe help ease any pain along the way. Like you’re doing for me. How does that sound?”

  I reach up and rub my thumb across his cheek, smiling at him. “It sounds wonderful.”

  He smiles right back. “You just made me a very happy man,” he says, giving me quick kiss. “But I don’t want to rush you, or make things harder for you. We’re gonna do this at your pace, okay? I’m handing the reins over to you, but I want you to know I’m not going anywhere. I haven’t seen anything that would make me want to walk away from whatever this is between us. I’m a patient man, I don’t mind waiting for someone as special as you.”

  HUMMINGBIRD

  ~

  NIK

  HAVING ELLIE IN MY ARMS after wanting her there all week feels perfect. Not to mention I’m fairly certain she just agreed to give us a try. The fact that she has only responded to the last part of my little speech with silence isn’t so great.

  I wait out her hesitation with the patience I promised her, but it isn’t easy. This woman is doing things to me I have never experienced. Everything about her is a paradox, including my reactions to her; nothing but constant contradictions–wonderful highs, mixed with heartbreaking lows.

  Her heart is huge, but it’s full of so much pain. She’s incredibly strong, yet incredibly fragile, too. She reminds me of a beautiful little hummingbird. Every time you see it come near, you want a closer look, but it’s so tiny and skittish it vanishes from sight the moment you get too close, fearing you mean it harm. I can touch her, but not too much. I can look at her, but I can’t look at her the way I want to. I can talk to her, but can’t ask what I want to know most.

  I need her close, need her to be mine, but that need is clouded with worry and doubt, for both of us. Her feelings for me are hidden by a fog, like the ones that float above dark and twisting lonely roads. I can easily tell she doesn’t trust them, or mine for that matter, and she’s deathly afraid of risking her heart again.

  Who could blame her, with all the people she’s lost?

  That doesn’t deter me though. I want to break through her walls even more.

  I thought being stuck in bed with all this pain was enough to drive me mad, adding these insane levels of emotional and sexual tension on top of it? Maddening and immensely frustrating is how I would describe it.

  One minute I feel like I’ve lost my mind for wanting her so intensely this soon, the next I think I’ll go crazy if I don’t have her as a permanent fixture in my life right now. No woman has ever tied me up so tight before. It’s probably a good thing I’m damaged at the moment, because if I wasn’t I figure I would have embarrassed myself beyond repair, or scared her so bad she would’ve run away screaming.

  It scares me to even think about it.

  I never thought I’d be thankful about getting shot, but it’s helped keep me somewhat in control where she’s concerned. I can’t help but be grateful. Not only did it pave the way for her to come into my life, but it’s allowing me to take things at a speed I normally wouldn’t have. A speed she desperately needs to move at.

  The way we met was
beyond screwed up. If we last it will certainly be a story to tell our grandchildren, that’s for sure. It’s one that will be told for generations.

  Did I seriously just imagine us having grandchildren?

  That right there is what I mean. My feelings for her have hit me like tsunami, and washed me all the way to growing old with her. We’ve known each other all of two weeks. Fourteen damn days, and I’ve already fallen so far, I’m like Alice landing with a thump at the bottom of the rabbit hole.

  Call me Nik in Ellieland, or if you like a more modern spin on things, it’s like being put in some chick flick as the romantic lead, and forced to feel everything at breakneck speed so our happily ever after can be reached before the movie ends in an hour and a half.

  My head is certainly spinning, but it’s always pictures or thoughts of her that spin around with it. Very little of my past mixes with her either. Our future is front and center in my mind.

  I had no clue my life was going to irrevocably change the moment I walked into that Starbucks. Getting shot was not something I ever thought would happen to me. I’m certain it’s going to be a rather large dip in the road of my life, but meeting Ellie is where the big changes have originated from. Surprisingly, I’m content with those changes, and even looking forward to more. As long as she’s a part of them.

  “Thank you,” she says, breaking her silence, her quiet voice reaching my ears.

  I wait for her to say more, still running my fingers through her silky hair, but when she doesn’t, I decide I’d better. “Whatever it is you’re thanking me for, it isn’t necessary.”

  She sits up, and looks at me with red puffy eyes full of pain, but they’re shining with determination, too, giving me another view of the enigma she is. It breaks my heart as always.

  “It is necessary, Nik,” she protests softly, lowering her eyes to her lap. “You have no idea how much I’ve needed to hear the things you just said. I didn’t even know how much I needed them.” She looks up again. “So, thank you. For them, and for everything else you’ve done for me in the last two weeks,” she says, cupping one of my cheeks and giving a soft kiss to the other.

  I stop her from going too far, sliding my hand around the side of her neck, and pressing one to her cheek. Rubbing my thumb over the spot my lips just left, I stare into her eyes. “I could say the same you, know?”

  She shakes her head and lays her hand over mine, pulling it away enough to kiss my palm. “No. You can’t. We won’t be even for a very long time, if ever.” I start to argue, but she puts a finger over my lips. “Nope. Next subject,” she says, then snuggles back into my side.

  I huff with amusement, but see no need to stir that pot. I’ll stir a different one instead. “I was thinking, maybe we should stay at your place instead of mine.”

  She cranes her neck back to look up at me, her brows furrowed. “Why? I thought you wanted to go home to your house?”

  I know the thought of us going to my house caused her to have an attack this morning. While I really don’t think it was my house that did it–more than likely it was the fear of us being totally alone–I want her to be as comfortable as possible. So, I’ll paint it as a better fit for me and my recovery, which I guess if I really think about, it is.

  “I miss home, but you and I both know the stairs are going to be too much for me to handle. I’ll be stuck to one floor. My shop will be calling to me constantly, and it’ll make me really cranky that I can’t get down there. Same for my bed. Maybe if I’m away from the temptation it won’t be so hard to cope with.”

  “Cash told you he could get the chair on your staircase if you wanted.”

  “Ellie, I don’t think you realize how much I love that staircase. It’s over a hundred years old. It’d be a sin to mar it in any way. It makes my neck tight just thinking about it. Besides, that would only get me to my bedroom, not my shop.”

  That part of my argument was most definitely true. Nobody is screwing with my staircase.

  “Well, if my place is where you want to go, that’s fine with me, but it isn’t near as nice as yours. It hasn’t been updated since the seventies, and there are still stairs you’ll have to deal with to get in. You’re so big I don’t even know if you’ll fit in the showers, or any of the beds,” she warns me.

  Damn, I was hoping there was only one bed there. Oh, well.

  “I don’t care about it being old. Cash can roll me up the stairs in the wheelchair. I can sleep corner to corner on the bed, and I’ll need a chair thing to sit on in the tub anyway. I’m still way too unsteady to stand up that long. Falling in the shower would not be a good idea right now,” I point out, trying to tip the scales a little more to my side.

  “What about your therapy, Roxie, and Leia coming?” she says, trying one more time to dissuade me.

  I’m beginning to think she does want to stay at my place. Maybe I read her wrong.

  “Where do you want us to go? Where would you be most comfortable?” I ask, not wanting to make a mistake and screw things up from the get go. She needs to feel safe and at ease.

  “Nik, this isn’t about my comfort. I’m not the one recuperating, you are. I’ll go wherever’s best for you. We just need to figure out where that is, so answer my question,” she prods me.

  I let out a sigh.

  Stubborn woman always wants to put me first.

  “Jake said he can get a PT to come to me, and if you’re okay with it, Roxie can stay with us. She’s housebroken. If not, Stan won’t mind keeping her. Leia will be fine at my house. She always stays with me when she’s in town,” I say, hoping that’s the end of the arguments.

  “Did the docs say when you’re getting outta here?”

  “Wednesday afternoon is the plan. I need a few more days to come off the morphine, and they’re taking out all my stitches and staples tomorrow or the next day.”

  She sits back up, and looks at me with her beautiful face all scrunched up. “Ouch!”

  “Yeah, my thoughts exactly. I’m not looking forward to it.”

  “I’ll stay and hold your hand till it’s over,” she says, smiling sweetly at me.

  I laugh a little and kiss her temple. “Thank you.”

  “Well, I had better get the house in order, and get some groceries then.”

  “You’re okay with it?” I ask, to be sure, tucking some hair behind her ear. “I never really asked, I sort of invited myself. Sorry.”

  She shrugs. “No, it’s okay. I’m fine with it. It’s only a house to me. It’s not like you’ll be intruding into my sanctuary or anything. It’s almost as new to me as it will be to you. Until two weeks ago I’d only stayed there one other time. I think you’ll like the view from the back porch, the marshes are beautiful when the tide’s up,” she tells me.

  “You’re sure? We can do my house if you’d rather,” I backtrack a bit.

  “I’m sure. I promise,” she answers with her smile still in place.

  “All right, if you’re sure, thank you. I bet it’ll be a nice peaceful place to get back to normal in.”

  I pull her hand up to my lips and kiss her fingers. I’d really rather kiss her perfect lips again, but I’ve pushed her enough today.

  ~

  It’s Wednesday morning, and in a few hours Ellie and I will be leaving this hellhole. I hope I never have to grace one of its beds again. She should be here soon so the docs can go over everything with us before we leave. Cash’s coming, too, to help her with my transport. She’s been in a tizzy since we made the decision to go to her place. I’ve hardly seen her the last three days. I keep telling her to stop worrying about the house, but so far she hasn’t listened to me. I decided to just let her do her thing.

  I have Leia so I know not to get in the way of a woman on a mission. It’s a sure-fire way to get your ass chewed out.

  I’m sitting here waiting since my nurse, Miss Nettie, helped me take a shower, and get dressed this morning. Neither of which was fun. She scrubs my damaged body a bit too hard for my
liking. She doesn’t take any whining about my ‘delicate sensibilities’ as she calls them either.

  She told me the first time she helped me take a shower that her ‘big, black, fifty-five year old ass wasn’t interested in my lily-white one. I was ten shades too light for her. And as big as I was I still wasn’t big enough so I needed to get over myself’. I was more red than lily-white during that experience. Whether from embarrassment or holding in laughter, I’m not sure.

  We’ve become pros at it this past week, so we got through the routine this morning without any fuss. Having all my stitches and staples out certainly helped.

  It’s gonna be Ellie helping me from now on, and I already know that’s gonna be painfully sweet torture. I’m gonna have to keep a constant stream of dead puppies floating through my head for the next several weeks.

  Speaking of sweet torture.

  “Hey, you. You all ready to go?” Ellie asks as she walks in wearing her nervous smile.

  “I couldn’t be more ready if you paid me.” I grin up at her as she comes over and kisses the top of my head. She’s gotten into a habit of doing that since our talk the other day. I’m ready for it to be my lips she kisses every time she sees me.

  “I bet not,” she says absent-mindedly, while taking in all my bags on the floor. There’s four so far. “What’s all of this?” she asks, bending over to see for herself, and giving me a lovely view of her ass in the shorts she’s wearing. They’re little blue jean cutoffs, and they fit her like a glove–a very short, tight glove.

  Dead puppies, dead puppies, dead puppies.

  Screw dead puppies, I want to grab her with both hands and squeeze.

  “Nik?”

  “Hmmm?”

  “Earth to Nik.”

  Shit. Time for evasive maneuvers.

  I throw her my biggest smile. “Sorry. I blanked out there for a sec. Did you say something?”

  She smiles back at me sweetly, and asks again about the bags.

  Crisis averted.