Save Me

by Alexandra Page

Not long after Rachael and Lacey stopped in to tell us bye. Rachael had visited me a few times, but we hadn’t seen Lacey since leaving the ICU. She and Ellie talk about how things were going with her and Hank while Rachael flirts with me.

  She said she’d be glad to be my live-in nurse if things didn’t work out with Ellie. The woman is a hoot, I’ll miss seeing her. They didn’t get to stay long, because my docs came in to go over my meds and stuff, so we hugged them bye, and thanked them a few dozen times before they made it out the door. Ellie wasn’t able to keep all her tears contained, she and Rachael had gotten pretty close while we were up there.

  It took a good thirty minutes to finish with Dr. Mason and Dr. T. I have appointments set up already to see them both in ten days. The PT will be coming out to Ellie’s to start working with me Friday, and we have enough aftercare instructions to make a small book. I honestly don’t know who’s more nervous now, me or Ellie. After listening to the docs explain everything it began to sink in how tough the next few weeks will be, pain wise for me, and a lot of hard work for Ellie.

  Next thing I know we’re all finished signing papers, and it’s time to blow this joint. Cash came in right after the docs left, and has already headed down to load all my stuff and pull the truck around for us. The orderly helps me get in the wheelchair and a short ride through the halls and a trip down the elevator later, we’re rolling up to Ellie’s black Tahoe as Cash pulls it over to the curb.

  I slip my hand into hers, and give it a squeeze as I look up at her with a small smile. “Last chance to back out. You sure you still wanna take care of my temporarily useless ass for the next two months? I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t,” I tell her sincerely.

  I really should’ve kept my mouth shut, the poor thing has been fighting back her panic for days, but I want her to know one more time that I don’t expect her to take care of me. She’s done more than enough already in my book. Her life has been too hard as it is, I hate the thought of being the reason it could continue to be. She rolls her eyes at me, feigning exasperation, but I don’t miss the fear she swallows down, or the tremble I can feel in her hand I’m holding.

  “I’m not having this conversation again, mister. You’re beating a dead horse, and if you don’t get in that truck and hush, I’ll be beating you,” she sasses, doing her best to hide the shake in her voice. She’s not fooling me a bit.

  I should be an honorable guy and call her bluff, but I can’t do it. No more than any of the other countless times I should have. It would mean not seeing her every day, or maybe not ever again, and I can’t bring myself to risk that. It’s completely selfish, but I need to be near her. I squeeze her hand again, and concede to her orders with a wink.

  “Okay, Miss Stubborn, I’ll get in the truck.”

  Thankfully, Cash is standing there to help me in. It’s a slow painful process, but we get it done. Once I’m settled, Ellie goes around and hops in the driver’s seat, then gets me buckled. I can’t help but lean over, close my eyes, and breathe in the sweet smell of her hair as it brushes by my face.

  God, she smells good.

  When I open my eyes she’s looking at me with a mix of humor and confusion.

  “Did you just smell me, Nikolas Jensen?”

  Oops. Might as well fess up.

  “I did, and I’m not sorry either. You smell amazing,” I tell her without an ounce of regret. I might have put too much heat in my voice though. She’s blushing like a thirteen year old.

  She squeaks out a thank you before turning quickly and buckling herself up. Her blush only gets brighter when she sees Cash grinning at her through her window. She closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath before rolling it down.

  “Hello, Cash,” she says politely, despite her embarrassment.

  He chuckles at her. “Hey, Ellie. What’s got you so rosy?” he asks, with a big grin still plastered on his face.

  “Shut up,” she mutters, making him laugh. She huffs and rolls her eyes. “We need to go by the pharmacy before we go to the house, can you lead the way, please?” she asks, her manners back in place.

  “Sure thing.” He glances over at me. “Which one?”

  “The Walgreens off eighty.”

  “Gotcha. I’ll meet y’all at the entrance, and you can follow me from there, all right?”

  “Okie doke,” Ellie says, then drives us over to the entrance to park and wait on him. When she keeps staring silently out the window I decide I better apologize for being so forward with her.

  “I’m sorry, Ellie. I shouldn’t have…”

  She spins her head around to look my way. “No, don’t apologize. It was sweet. It’s just been a long time, you know? There was never anyone else but him, and then,” she stops and looks down at her lap, “Well, then it was only me and the ghosts,” she finishes with a whisper.

  Damn. There is no right way to respond to that one.

  As I attempt to try, Cash pulls up and honks his horn, making both of us jump. I let out a groan, my bones aching. “Shithead. When it won’t hurt like a bitch I’m gonna give him a few licks for that.”

  “You okay?” Ellie asks, her brows all furrowed with worry.

  “I’m all right, but I’m gonna do my best not to jump out of my skin anymore. You better go, he’ll leave you behind if you don’t. He’s not good at leading a pack,” I tell her with a grin.

  It takes a bit to get to the pharmacy because we seemed to have caught every red light between the hospital and here. I felt every bump in the road, and all the breaking and accelerating, too. I am really missing the morphine right now, or any pain killer for that matter. I was a dumbass and pocketed my meds instead of taking them earlier.

  Idiot, thy name is Nik.

  I am greatly regretting being that idiot at the moment. Ellie’s been quiet, concentrating on her driving, and I’ve been doing my best not to let her hear my moans and groans. As easy as she pulls into the parking lot and stops, I have a feeling I’m not hiding it as well as I thought. She turns on a classic rock station on the radio for me and grabs her purse.

  “Will you be all right while I run in and get your meds?”

  I manage a grin. “Sure thing.” She smiles back, but it’s hesitant. “I’ll be fine, I promise. Cash is right there if I need him,” I assure her, pointing to his truck two spots down from us.

  She pauses to give me her ‘stern mama’ look, but then gets out and goes inside. I gently lay my throbbing head back against the seat, and try to concentrate on anything other than the pain. I’m failing miserably though.

  This truck is super nice, but I would swear the seats were made of concrete if I didn’t know better. My back, shoulder, neck, and head are majorly protesting their current circumstances. They want to be lying in a soft bed, not pressed against a rock-hard seat.

  Lord willing, she’s gonna be back with some pain meds soon.

  I see Cash heading my way. He climbs in the driver’s side when he makes it to the truck. “You makin’ it, man?” he asks, “You’re looking a little pale.”

  “Hurting like hell, is all. I didn’t take any painkillers before we left.”

  “Damn, Nik. That was stupid as shit.” I give him the finger for his trouble. He huffs. “That’s what she’s in there getting, right?”

  “Yeah, and antibiotics and some migraine stuff, too, I think. I hope anyway. My head feels like it’s full of ice picks right now.” I’ve never had headaches come on as fast as these damn things do. I didn’t have one ten minutes ago, and now it’s pushing a seven or eight on that pain scale chart that hung in my hospital room.

  Dr. Mason told me they should go away with time. I sure as hell hope that time is real fucking soon. I definitely have sympathy for people who have these all the time. I can’t imagine dealing with this much pain on a regular basis.

  Ten minutes later Ellie’s walking back towards the truck with several little white paper bags in her hands, and a bigger plastic one, too.

  Hallelujah.

&nbs
p; Cash jumps out and holds the door for her. “He needs something for his head if they gave him anything,” he tells her as she climbs in.

  “They did, and I got you a snack, and some water to take it with, too,” she says, already pulling stuff out of the bags. She hands me a protein bar. “Eat that before your nausea gets too bad, and here’s a water.” Opening it for me, she hands it over. “Once you get that down I’ll give you one of these,” she says, shaking a pill bottle.

  “You’re an angel. Thank you,” I whisper.

  The ride to her place is only about another fifteen minutes, thank God. I’m more than ready to be in a bed. The house is pretty much exactly what I expected, an old coastal beauty set high off the ground, and wrapped with big shady porches. Where it’s sitting is even prettier than the house. The driveway is lined with huge, stately live oaks dripping with airy Spanish moss. Depending on the time of day I’m sure it would be spooky looking to some, but with the sunlight streaming through the trees it looks like a picture straight out of a travel magazine.

  “This is a gorgeous place, Ellie.”

  “Yeah, I always thought so, too,” she says quietly as she stares forward, her expression easily showing her melancholy. I can’t help but feel a stab of regret that we chose this place. She’s haunted here, she might not have been at my house. She shakes herself out of it, and looks over at me with a small smile. “You ready to get inside?”

  “Yeah, probably should,” I say, trying to smile back. I’m sure it looks more like a wince. The pain pill hasn’t come close to kicking in yet, and as bad as I want inside, I’m dreading the process of getting there. It looks like there’s at least a dozen steps Cash is gonna have to roll me up.

  I’m not gonna enjoy that.

  He’s already waiting by my door with the wheelchair, so I might as well get it over with.

  The whole time we’re getting me settled in, I seriously think about asking him to knock my ass out so I can skip to waking up in a bed. Despite of, or maybe because of the protein bar Ellie gave me, my nausea is coming on fast. The jostling and added pain that rolling towards the house creates isn’t helping.

  Ellie notices it, too.

  She stops us with a gentle hand to my shoulder right before Cash starts to pull me up the first step. “You need a minute?”

  I close my eyes and nod a little, taking a few deep breaths hoping to work through the queasiness and pain. Ellie proves once again she really is an angel when she places an ice pack on the back of my neck while lightly running her fingers through my hair. I don’t know where she got it from, but I’m gonna kiss her for it as soon as I’m able.

  After a couple of minutes, I let them know I’m ready to go again, hooking my thumb over my shoulder. Slow and gentle, Cash starts to pull me up the first step. I keep my eyes closed, and continue to take deep breaths as we go. Ellie stays right with us, still holding the ice pack to my neck. I don’t know how long it takes us–it feels like hours–but finally we get to the top, all of us sighing when we do.

  I’m ready to puke my guts up.

  Cash tries to pull me into the house, but I have to wave him off. I lean over as much as I can, reaching back for the ice pack to put on my forehead to stave off the surge of nausea. Of course, Ellie beats me to it, placing it there as if she read my mind.

  We’re two seconds too late. Unable to hold back anymore, I throw up all over myself, and the porch.

  Lovely.

  The next several minutes are a blur of pain, more nausea, and the heavy fog of my pain killer kicking in. I know Ellie cleans me up as well as she can without changing my clothes, and Cash gets me inside and to a bedroom. They both work to get me changed. I’m completely useless in that endeavor because of being so loopy, but they somehow manage to get me into a new pair of shorts before getting me settled in the bed. I watch through hazy eyes as Ellie pulls the curtains closed, then walks back over to me.

  “I’m sorry I puked on your porch,” I mumble when she gets close. She smiles, at me and rubs the back of her fingers over my cheek before adjusting the ice pack on my head.

  “I already told you not to worry about it, sweetie. I’m just sorry you got sick at all. Go to sleep now, okay? I’ll be right here when you wake up,” she whispers, leaning down to kiss my forehead.

  “Stay with me. Please? ‘Til I fall asleep,” I ask, patting the covers on my right side.

  “All right, but let me tell Cash bye first. He has to get back to work.”

  “Okay,” I whisper as my eyes close. Then I feel the bed move, and look for her only to find she’s already lying beside me. I smile, and reach for her hand. “You came back.”

  “Of course, I did, silly,” she says, with a big smile of her own as she laces her fingers with mine.

  I stare at her while my eyes get heavier with each passing second. She’s so beautiful. I want her smiling face to be the last thing I see every night, and the first one I see every morning.

  HOPE

  ~

  ELLIE

  POOR NIK HAS NOT HAD the best day, but he’s so adorable when he’s medicated. Like a little boy with his heart in his eyes. I can’t help but smile as I lay here watching him fight sleep.

  “You’re so beautiful, Ellie. I love your smile,” he whispers, his heavy eyes finally closing. “I hope I can always make you smile, so I can see it every day and night for the rest of my life.”

  I freeze, feeling his words reach into my chest and squeeze my heart. Lying in bed with this beautiful man and holding his hand as he says sweet things to me is too much. It terrifies me how desperately I want them to be true, and of the hope they dare me to have.

  Hope.

  That’s been a foreign word to me for years now. One I lost all faith in, and refused to even acknowledge existed in my world anymore, but Nik is forcing me to see that it’s still there. Just because I didn’t want to feel it, didn’t mean it wasn’t still a part of me. I have to acknowledge it now, because it’s crawling its way out of the darkness inside of me, refusing to let me hide anymore, but of course my panic fights back as always.

  I can’t be here with him right now, it hurts too much to look at his beautiful face. It’s too scary to feel these things for him, to know he might feel the same for me. I carefully pull my fingers free from his hand and get off the bed, hurrying out the door as quietly as I can.

  Rushing out onto the back porch I breathe in gulps of salty air hoping to calm my racing heart. I’ve been fighting to keep the attacks at bay for the last five days, but there’s no stopping this one.

  Pacing up and down the porch, counting my steps as I go, does nothing to sway it. When my breathing gets so out of control my vision starts to go black I curl up on the lounger. Giving in to the terror, I let it consume me. The only way I’m getting over this one is to go through it, and come out the other side.

  It could’ve lasted only minutes or possibly much longer, but the fear slowly begins to let me go, and I return to the land of the living. The sun is still relatively high in the sky, and the tides are only beginning to come back in. I must not have been down long.

  Oh, God! Nik!

  I scramble back in the house to check on him, but I worried for nothing. He’s still out cold, snoozing away. I ignore the clenching I feel in my heart at seeing him, like I have every other time it’s done it when my eyes have landed on him. I’m too afraid to think about what it means. I shuffle back to my bedroom, and collapse onto the bed with a giant sigh.

  How in the ever-loving hell am I gonna make it through the next couple of months like this?

  I know I have not a single clue how to answer that, but I know someone who might. I need Vicky. I find my phone and dial her.

  “Ellie! How are you? It’s so good to hear from you,” she gushes enthusiastically.

  “Hi, Vicky. How are you?” I reply, with decidedly less enthusiasm.

  “I’m well, but I can tell that you are not. Tell me.”

  “Nik was released from t
he hospital today.”

  “Well, that’s wonderful news. Why would that have you out of sorts, dear?”

  “I brought him to my place. We’ll be staying here together. Alone. For at least two months,” I tell her, not hiding my nervousness.

  “Oh, I see. You’re worried about developing feelings for him, aren’t you?”

  I take a deep shaky breath before answering. “I think I already have, and I think he has for me, too. It terrifies me, Vicky.”

  “I can understand that. I felt the same when I met Richard. It was very hard to move forward with him after losing Mark. I dealt with fear and guilt, just as you are. I was afraid of risking my heart again, too. It’s scary to gamble with our hearts after losing someone, but we must, if we ever want to move on and find joy again.”

  “But I’m still such a broken mess. I feel like I’m stuck together with kiddie glue and tape. I know if the least little thing happens, I’ll fall to pieces. If I do, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put them back together again. If I let myself feel anything for him, and it doesn’t work out… It’ll be the end of me. I can’t survive another heartbreak. I can’t,” I finish with a whisper.

  “Sweetheart, just because things have gone wrong in the past, doesn’t mean they will again. Don’t let your fears stop you or let you run. You could leave Savannah right now, and it wouldn’t change what you feel for him, and you do feel something for him, Ellie, you know you do,” she tells me gently.

  I do. God help me, I do.

  “Be honest with me, and yourself, too, sweetheart. There is a part of you that truly wants to feel things for Nik, isn’t there?”

  It takes me a minute to find the courage to answer that, but when I do I can’t stop the words that seem hell-bent on being voiced. “Yes, there is. A bigger part than I care to admit. I want to be the reason he smiles. I want the comfort he is so willing to give me, just like I can’t help but give him. I want to laugh with him, and talk about nothing for hours just so I can listen to his voice. I want to touch him, and I want to feel his hands on me. I want to kiss him, and be kissed by him. I want so badly to be loved by him, but I’m so afraid of loving him in return. So afraid if I do that he’ll be taken from me like the rest of them were.”