Sounds of Yesterday

by Pacheco, Briana

  Liam sinks back into his seat and nods. “It really does.” This music project is the best thing to happen to us. It’s sad to know we’ll be done with it soon and have to present it in two weeks, before the term ends. “Just don’t ever play that Friday song around me. Angelica sang that non-stop before she died.” His voice becomes a whisper as he adds, “I go right back to that day.”

  “I promise.” I lean in slowly, not sure if he wants a hug or if I even want to give him one, but I kind of do so I go all the way and hug him quickly. “Now let me out of this car or I’ll miss my flight.”

  Liam’s phone chimes from his jeans pocket. He pulls it out and smiles.

  “Looks like the boyfriend misses you too.”

  He shows me the phone and my heart melts into a pile of goo.

  Mommy’s Boy (Alex): Did you drop her off yet? I need updates, man! Did she eat too? Don’t go dark on me now. Oh, and tell me you opened her door. She hates that shit!

  His text ends with ‘laughing with tears in the eyes’ emojis. What a prick.

  I grab the handle of the door but it’s locked.

  I try to unlock it with no luck.

  “Liam.”

  Liam opens his door and makes his way over to mine.

  “Oh, god,” I whine as he stops at my door with a Cheshire smile on his now punchable face.

  ***

  The moment I see Alex as I go down the escalator, my heartbeat picks up and I want to shove all of these people out of my way so I can get to him faster. They eventually get off and I’m brought closer and closer to one of my favorite people.

  When I’m on the ground, I move my feet and I run into his arms. Four days is too long. Why he had to come home so early doesn’t make sense to me but at the same time it does. I’m not the only person in his life. He has family to see and things to do.

  “Hi,” I breathe into his neck.

  “Hi,” he echoes.

  I’m lifted off my feet and twirled in a circle, my squeals and giggles making this a very clichéd moment that I can’t help but cherish and store away for future use.

  “We should get going. Traffic is going to be a bitch.” Alex sets me down and pouts. I lean up and nibble his bottom lip. “Turn that frown upside down, lover.” I pull him into my arms for a longer hug.

  “Do you know what today is?” Alex asks, looking down at me. I shake my head because nothing matters besides me being here, in his arms, in this moment. “It’s the first time we’re back together in Boston in a really long time.”

  I pull back slowly. “This is a monumental moment. I feel like we should have make-up sex because of it.”

  Alex taps my nose lightly. “I thought you were all ‘fuck Boston’,” he whispers, so no one hears him.

  I lick my lips and don’t let why I left ruin this moment. I still am ‘fuck Boston’ but I can try and enjoy my stay here for now. “For someone so smart, you’d think that you’d read in-between the lines.” I lean into his ear and whisper, “Fuck me, in Boston.”

  “That makes much more sense!” Alex winks at me, grabs my hand and throws my duffel bag over his shoulder. “We shall see where we can do this, milady.”

  We leave the airport in a fit of laughter. He is so cheesy.

  Alex’s parents invited my family over for Thanksgiving dinner so tomorrow morning, we’re heading over there to help them set up the food. My house will be free. I let Alex in on this little fact.

  When we reach his car, he pulls out Adele’s newest album from the glove compartment and hands it to me. I about lose my shit because I didn’t have time to grab this when it released yesterday. “Because I love you,” he says, kissing my cheek.

  He is the sweetest most thoughtful man ever.

  I hug the album against my chest and sink into a world of euphoria.

  ***

  People are thankful for a lot of reasons on Thanksgiving. I’m thankful for the people in my life who have stuck with me up until now. Sophie and Zach joined the Sawyer’s and Spencer’s for a huge meal–after they ate with their families–that stuffs me to the point of saying ‘no more’ at food offered to me. I know, shocker!

  After eating, everyone finds an area to relax. I’m starting to sway on my feet and my thoughts are fuzzy so I drop onto the floor with Alex beside me. McKenna chooses to narrow her hazel eyes at me for a few seconds before looking at Declan. She hasn’t said much to me over dinner, I’m kind of expecting the hate speech from her soon. I mean, I did leave her brother. If some chick left Declan and moved to another state without a word, I’d plot her murder.

  “So, Emily, are you heading back to Florida soon?” she asks, grabbing a couch pillow. I first think she’s about to whip it at me but she drops it on Declan’s lap and stretches out so she can lay down. “I was thinking we could do something together before break is over.”

  No one looks at them like they’re surprised of my brother and Alex’s sister getting cozy on the couch. I glare at Alex for knowing something was going on between them and not telling me about it. This must have started when I left. Ohmygod, McKenna probably went to my house and tried to kill me for breaking her brother’s heart but instead she fell into Declan’s arms and forgot about me.

  Mom decides to leave to spend some time with Charlie before he leaves in the morning. Translation: she’s going to get some so her children are not wanted at home until it’s clear.

  I shiver at the thought. And smile knowing Mom found some happiness after all this time.

  “I booked my flight back for Sunday morning,” I answer.

  “Will you be back for Christmas break?”

  The room goes quiet. I know everyone wants to know that answer. I still haven’t decided if I can/want to. School ends on the seventeenth of December. McKenna will be on break because she started school in September instead of August. If I come back, there is no school as my escape until spring classes begin in January.

  “Um, I might stay in Florida. I can babysit and work for Charlie until school starts up again.”

  Crickets. I hear crickets.

  “But…we…I…” Sophie sits up from Zach’s lap and shrugs her shoulders lightly. “Your presents are already in my closet.”

  Presents in the closet. She went old school.

  “I even wrapped them. They look so pretty!”

  I start giggling and it turns into full blown laughter. Which doesn’t stop. I’m laughing like a crazy person and I don’t know why.

  “So are yours,” I say in-between laughter. “They’ve been there since last year.”

  I hold my stomach and try to stop the noise I’m making but it doesn’t happen.

  “It must be the eggnog,” Damon says, walking into the living room with Gwen by his side. “You’ll be fine, kiddo. Just remember to breathe.” That seems hard to do at the moment.

  It must be the eggnog though. I’m pretty sure there was rum in there. And I was drinking that non-stop.

  I stand and move away from everyone, squeezing my cheeks together so my face doesn’t hurt in the next few seconds. Stop laughing! Please.

  “I spent so much time wrapping everything, making them perfect, and I didn’t even give it to you guys.” My laughter dies down but instantly turns into sobs because I’m thinking of the presents in my closet and why they were never given away. My heart cracks into tiny pieces knowing my future birthdays and Christmas’ will forever be ruined because of one night. One night that I keep trying to run from and pretend never happened. “I never gave them away because it felt wrong. Celebrating my birthday and Christmas in the same week makes me feel like I’m celebrating the fact that I was raped. The months after that were nowhere near joyful.”

  “Emily.”

  “I don’t want to celebrate my birthday. I don’t want to be here for Christmas. I don’t want to be in this damn city but I’m here because you guys are.” Leaving town breaks me a little more every time because this is where all of them have their lives. Their families. Florida is
just a pass time for college. When it’s over and we graduate, they’re all most likely coming back here. And I won’t. “I fucking hate Boston because of high school, and I hate Brookline because of Pierce. These cities suffocate me. I–”

  “Em, look at me.”

  Alex takes my face into his strong hands and his eyes are all I see. The room around us fades. I’m surrounded by memories of us. All of them. All of our firsts. The first time we met, our first conversation, the first tutor session, the first time we had sex. Our first date on Halloween.

  I was so happy.

  We were so happy.

  Alex wanted to surprise me with a trip to California for my eighteenth birthday. He was going to show me where he grew up. He was going to show me what he never showed other people, and Pierce ruined that.

  “He ruined everything!” I scream.

  I have completely broken apart. I’m cracked open and the secrets I’ve held pour out.

  I can’t stop it.

  I grip Alex’s t-shirt until my knuckles are white.

  “He said ‘happy birthday’ before he left that fucking bathroom.”

  It feels like someone shoved their arm through my chest and is squeezing my heart in their fist.

  I never told anyone what happened in that bathroom or what was said. When a person says they were raped, people don’t need more information. They’ll understand that someone forced themselves on you. But holding in those words was poison. Coming back here, released it into my system.

  “He said ‘happy birthday’,” I repeat, sinking to my knees. “I hate my birthday.”

  Alex is kneeling in front of me, his eyes shiny and wet. His face is pulled into the most heartbreaking expression I’ve ever seen. His body sags and I want to hug him to make him feel better. He understands now why I shoved him away the morning of my birthday. He understands that waking up to someone’s fingers teasing me, their lips kissing my neck, and then having ‘happy birthday’ whispered in my ear made me snap.

  Alex hated himself for touching me just hours after I was raped.

  It was his words that shattered me completely.

  I never want to hear those words directed towards me again.

  My arm is pulled and I look to my right at Declan’s tear-stained face.

  My limp arms fall from gripping Alex’s shirt and I fall into my big brother’s arms, sobbing into his chest.

  He hums something softly, the vibration from his chest soothing my cries. I recognize it as a lullaby, All the Pretty Little Horses, Mom used to sing to us when we were younger so we’d fall asleep. Declan sang it to me when Dad left and I was getting stitches. He became my ‘protector’ after that. Mom stopped singing us the lullaby when Declan took over and declared it our song. It was and still is the best thing he’s ever done for me.

  By the end of the song, my heart feels partially whole and I can breathe a little easier.

  Gwen walks toward me with a cup of something steaming in her hands. She must be worried that this is the first time I’ve come here after the last one and had a breakdown. I don’t know how she does it but my walls are dropped when I enter this house. I’m vulnerable and super emotional. Everything I try to hide is left in the open for the world to see.

  “Drink this,” she offers.

  I sit up and take the cup from her. All eyes are on me so I drop mine to the hardwood floors, to Zeus lying beside us, as I drink up her miracle tea. It warms me up and clears my head within minutes. I reach out my hand, searching for Alex’s. When I find his, I lace our fingers together.

  I look up slowly, meeting his eyes.

  Say something, please.

  “I love you,” I whisper.

  He squeezes my hand and leans into me, wrapping me in his arms.

  Without struggle, there is no progress.

  This moment had to happen.

  Chapter 25

  Two weeks into spring classes and Sophie has a ‘no music while studying’ rule so I’m trying to do everything softly with my headphones on. She’s always been nice about it but now she has so much to do in so little time that she’s going crazy. My humming isn’t helping her.

  With my sheet music notebooks lying around me, my pencil scratching against paper, and my fingers hitting keys at a fast pace, I’m good. I’m great, even.

  Everyone has been calling me cocky lately because after Liam, Tyler and I got an A on our final exam/musical piece for our skills ensemble class, I’ve been playing the shit out of my songs and telling everyone that they’re that good. I’m done doubting myself. I love what I create and I don’t care what anyone thinks.

  My gifts to them for ending the year and hopefully starting a much better one is a song I composed just for them. Sophie cried tears of joy and attacked me. Zach and Alex had tears pooling in their eyes after I played their own songs but they didn’t go full Sophie. They are men, they said. They don’t cry over music. Yeah, right.

  We didn’t exchange birthday or Christmas gifts. I stayed in Florida and helped Sallie with the kids while Charlie went to my mom’s house and kept me updated on what they were doing. I spent my time trying to set Sallie up on a date. Landon knew a guy who knew a guy so we played matchmaker. Sallie hasn’t told me anything about their actual date but I do know the details of how their night ended. I really wish I wasn’t there for that but I was babysitting the kids and was the only one awake at two in the morning to witness Sallie coming home with flushed cheeks.

  The days after that are filled up with me working for Charlie a few hours of the week, babysitting, writing music with Liam, and Skype calls with my loved ones.

  Spring classes are a blessing for me because I finally get my friends back full time.

  My phone vibrates on its spot on my piano and I’m instantly distracted, my fingers coming to a halt. I throw a ‘sorry’ over my shoulder so Soph doesn’t hate me. When I see Alex’s name on the screen, I immediately feel myself lighting up. I’m one hundred percent sure there’s a mega-watt smile on my lips.

  I sit back and pull up his message.

  Alex: I miss you, blue

  I bite my bottom lip and frown, seeing the extra sad faces he includes next. I can go over to his room for a few minutes. I haven’t moved from this spot in a few hours.

  I pull down my headphones and turn, getting ready to stand.

  I stop and fall back into my chair, a squeal leaving my mouth, among other things.

  Alex is lying down on my bed, staring at me, trying not to laugh because–

  “Did you just fart?” he asks.

  “No!” I reach for my perfume bottle and spritz the air because I just did and I’m not going to admit that I farted because he scared me. What the hell am I, a moron?

  Alex falls back on my bed, laughing his ass off. “That was hilarious!” He’s holding his stomach and I’m just glaring at him but it is funny and I want to laugh but I’m not going to because he’s laughing at me and that’s just rude.

  My eyes roam over to Sophie’s side and I find it empty. Where the hell did she go and when did Alex get here?

  “Babe, come here.”

  “No.”

  “Please.”

  I narrow my eyes at Alex again. He gives me the saddest puppy-dog look.

  “Stop laughing at me. I thought Soph was here.”

  “She was. Then I came over and she needed a break. I was here for five minutes.”

  Well, I’ll be damned. I didn’t even notice. I usually do. Like, all the time.

  “Will it make you feel better if I say you didn’t fart?”

  I nod.

  No woman in her right mind will willingly fart in front of her boyfriend until they’re living together or engaged. That way, your other half can’t leave you for knowing you’re just like him. Just saying. Us girls like to keep our men thinking we’re clean and proper. Later on in life is when you let loose. Wink wink.

  “It was just a puff of glitter then.”

  I look at him like he’s
the dumbest person on the world. Which is saying something because he’s hella smart.

  “Because you’re a unicorn…”

  My heart melts.

  I spring out of my chair and land on Alex. I assault him with kisses then leave him to take a much-needed shower. I think about him the whole time, which is not a good idea because I almost slip twice. He just makes my knees weak and the butterflies in my stomach flutter.

  It’s everything he does that makes some part of me want to explode.

  On Christmas, Alex was in Boston so I made him go into my bedroom closet and get the Christmas gifts that haven’t been touched in a year. I got him a Barcelona soccer team jersey because believe it or not, the dude never had one. The moment he landed in Miami and I was there waiting for him at the airport with Liam by my side, he was wearing the jersey with the biggest smile on his lips. It wasn’t much but to him, it was everything. That smile of his is what keeps the nightmares away. The day he came back for a visit, I gave him a coffee mug that has a human heart on it that says, ‘I (heart) you’. I don’t do Christmas gifts anymore but when I found that mug, it screamed Alex. His gift to me was having him with me. I tell him that constantly. I don’t need material things. I just want him.

  When I’m clean and feel good about myself, I throw on clothes, hop onto my bed and straddle Alex’s legs. He looks up at me with a smile on his kissable lips. His arms are behind his head and I’ll much rather them be on me. Every time his hands are on some part of my body, I’m transported onto a different planet. I love that feeling.

  Alex licks his lips and lifts his head up slightly.

  I’m about to lean down and kiss him when I’m blindsided by a pillow to the face. Alex drops the pillow that he whipped from under his head like a ninja. I stare at him, stunned.

  He sits up, wraps his arms around me and pulls us back down until we bounce on the bed. He laughs underneath me, making it up by kissing my neck and throat in-between breaths.

  ***